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Re: Marriage in general 15 Sep 2019 23:19 #343576

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The desire you have to change makes you a special person. I agree you should look for a new yeshiva or a new Rav. Hashem has a special girl who is waiting for you to work on yourself to get ready and marry her and have an amazing life together. This is something you must KNOW! 

Also please see the affects of porn on our brains. search on youtube "Your Brain on Porn: How Internet porn affects the brain"
Last Edit: 15 Sep 2019 23:22 by yen.
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Re: Marriage in general 15 Sep 2019 20:14 #343574

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Buddy i don't know where you stand religiously but why does that mean there is a strong chance that you won't get married, you got all kinds of girls on the lady's section as well? 

What kind of rosh yeshiva speaks like that? I don't know all the details but if I'm understanding correctly. It might be time to find a new rosh yeshiva, who can properly help you find your own unique personal path in life, as I'm sure there are a lot of girls who will appreciate a good person like yourself, who is a work in progress and is trying as much as possible to improve.
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

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Last Edit: 15 Sep 2019 20:18 by Iampowerless.
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Marriage in general 15 Sep 2019 19:59 #343573

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I haven't been in gye for a while unfortunately, I did go to therapy witch kind of helped but not really. I understand that there are a lot of benefits to quiting porn, and I am trying hard to do so. But I've seen that one of the main benefits is to not lessen this great urge and purpose of creating children and repurposing it for selfish reasons. How watching porn can ruin the relationship you have with your wife in a very real way. There is a very good chance I will never get married just because of who I am religiously, even my Rosh yeshivah said so. (I only mention that so people don't come to me saying, "you don't have enough self esteem" I am just being realistic).How am I supposed  to find the motivation to stop knowing that if I quit today most likely I will never have another orgasm on purpose in my entire life?
if someone could point me to some articles on this topic that would be super helpful, or your own thoughts on the matter would be great too.
Thanks so much
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Dvar Torah from Rav Kook ztl

The Torah portion opens and closes with the same theme: simchah, joy. It begins with the mitzvah of offering bikkurim (first-fruits) in the Temple, an exercise in appreciating what God has given us, as it says,



“You shall rejoice in all the good that the Lord your God has granted you and your family” (Deut. 26:11).


Afterwards, the Torah describes the terrible trials that will befall the Jewish people if they are unfaithful to the Torah’s teachings. This section concludes with the root cause for these punishments:



“Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joy (simchah) and contentment (tuv leivav).” (Deut. 28:47)


Not only does God expect us to keep the mitzvot, but we are to perform them with joy and contentment. What is the difference between these two emotions?

Joy and Contentment

Simchah and tuv leivav are two distinct levels of happiness. Interestingly, they are the result of contradictory perceptions.

What is the source of tuv leivav? This is a sense of satisfaction that we feel good about our service of God. We pray, study Torah, and perform mitzvot out of a feeling that we are doing what we were created to do. As one of God’s creations, it is natural for us to serve Him. We are grateful to have been blessed with the intellectual and spiritual capabilities needed to worship Him through Torah study and mitzvot.

Simchah, on the other hand, comes from the perception that some unexpected boon has befallen us. We feel joy in serving God when we are aware of the tremendous privilege in being able to connect to God — a gift far beyond our true level. Awareness of this amazing gift, while at the same time feeling that our service is appropriate and suitable, allows us to feel both simchah and tuv leivav.

Cultivating Joy

How does one attain this simchah in serving God? The secret to developing and enhancing our sense of joy is to reflect on two thoughts:


  • Appreciating the significance and wonder of every medium - such as Torah study and mitzvot — that allows us to connect with the Master of the universe.

  • Recognizing the Divine source of our soul and its inherent holiness, even though it may have become soiled through contact with the material world.


We experience genuine joy in serving God when we are able to thoroughly internalize these two insights

Re: from zero to 90 15 Sep 2019 13:38 #343566

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drust wrote on 14 Sep 2019 15:06:
double damn. I just masturbate because of imagination what I'd seen yesterday. I thought about that pics and watched inappropriate movies again today.
It's not good at all. I should do something. 
disappointment, stressful condition and loneliness would led me to this endless circle.
God please help me. I'm all ears to your orders.

Don't get discouraged.  All beginnings are hard.  There will be alot of ups and downs.  I think a great start in this battle is to begin reading through the GYE handbook.  Have you started that yet?
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Re: Ashrei HaIsh - How? 15 Sep 2019 12:49 #343565

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Welcome to a great place. Here if you hang around, b'ezras Hashem you will get better. For starters, where are you watching the shmutz? At home? At work? Phone? Is there a reason that device is not properly filtered?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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wishing you all a wonderful week!!

Dvar Torah-Tavo

https://guardyoureyes.com/media/kunena/attachments/2149/tavoi-5779.pdf
Last Edit: 15 Sep 2019 11:07 by yechidah.

Re: Ashrei HaIsh - How? 15 Sep 2019 04:41 #343563

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Hi yidanochi,
​Happy to have another sincere person as you join us here on GYE. Try the tools from this great site and see what works for you, everyone here has their own recipe that works best for them. So stick around , and keep on posting your questions/comments (and even c"v falls).............. and you will get some great advice from so many who 'have be there' already and have recovered.
Hatzlucha raba!! 
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#64
If we are not willing to work and change ourselves, then our problems can be endless and we can be helpless. But if we are willing to get to work and change, then with Hashems help nothing will stop us!
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Re: from zero to 90 15 Sep 2019 00:06 #343559

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Fund out another activity for when you get stressed.

Walking, reading, calling a friend etc.
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quick thought
we leined this week bout יפת תאר where the torah was matir bc hkb"h knew that people wont be able to withstand the yetzer hora.
got me thinking; the only ONE situation the torah deems not withstandable is war. which needs understanding.
the answer is simple, in all other situations you have to make sure to avoid getting into the situation in the first place. of course once youre in it youre stuck, but why are you in it at all. wheras with war where the torah sent you to war [even if its milchemes reshus its still al pi Sanhedrin] so you have a rught to be there. therefore the torah is matir יפת תאר 
have a good week!
I don't mean to discourage anyone by this
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Re: from zero to 90 14 Sep 2019 15:06 #343557

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double damn. I just masturbate because of imagination what I'd seen yesterday. I thought about that pics and watched inappropriate movies again today.
It's not good at all. I should do something. 
disappointment, stressful condition and loneliness would led me to this endless circle.
God please help me. I'm all ears to your orders.
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Re: from zero to 90 14 Sep 2019 15:00 #343556

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sleepy wrote on 13 Sep 2019 18:23:

drust wrote on 13 Sep 2019 16:52:
damn it.
after 8 days I broke my promise and I slipped in God's path. I watched inappropriate things and I fell into huge sins. at least I have my purity in practical ways. it's the positive status that could be mentioned. 
I hope to withstand in that way for a long period (even for always)

comon! 8 days is great! dont give up!
do you mind explaining 'at least I have my purity in practical ways. it's the positive status that could be mentioned.'

yesterday I only watched inappropriate things and didn't masturbate. but today I couldn't tolerate anymore and I did it.
sorry. I think I should set my mind first. because it's disruptive extremely.
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Re: from zero to 90 13 Sep 2019 18:23 #343555

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drust wrote on 13 Sep 2019 16:52:
damn it.
after 8 days I broke my promise and I slipped in God's path. I watched inappropriate things and I fell into huge sins. at least I have my purity in practical ways. it's the positive status that could be mentioned. 
I hope to withstand in that way for a long period (even for always)

comon! 8 days is great! dont give up!
do you mind explaining 'at least I have my purity in practical ways. it's the positive status that could be mentioned.'
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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Re: from zero to 90 13 Sep 2019 17:42 #343554

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drust wrote on 13 Sep 2019 16:52:
damn it.
after 8 days I broke my promise and I slipped in God's path. I watched inappropriate things and I fell into huge sins. at least I have my purity in practical ways. it's the positive status that could be mentioned. 
I hope to withstand in that way for a long period (even for always)

Sorry to hear

Our Trucks are not designed to go from 0 to 90 in 1D. 

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Re: from zero to 90 13 Sep 2019 16:52 #343553

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damn it.
after 8 days I broke my promise and I slipped in God's path. I watched inappropriate things and I fell into huge sins. at least I have my purity in practical ways. it's the positive status that could be mentioned. 
I hope to withstand in that way for a long period (even for always)
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Re: from zero to 90 13 Sep 2019 16:46 #343552

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sleepy wrote on 08 Sep 2019 09:05:

drust wrote on 06 Sep 2019 15:05:
both ways.... Unfortunately both internet and real society make me fall. In real society I should control my eyes but it's so difficult. and at home I should to avoid of being alone, but It's difficult to go out , too.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.

have you read the gye handbook, it might help in both areas, i know for me  in the street , listening to a shiur  that i like (or even nice jewish music sometimes)with headphones helps a lot.
one thing that im trying although havent gotten there yet ,is working on my bitachon/trust in Hashem,and that is ,if these things that i want to look at in the street were really good for me Hashem would give it to me, and if Hashem doesnt want me to look at them,it must be that its not good for me even though i may desire to look , Hashem knows best , so trust Hashem and as much as you can ,hold yourself back from looking , and one day youll understand why Hashem told you dont look .Trust Hashem , He knows what Hes doing,Hes not trying to deprive you.Hatzlacha!

Thanks a lot for your motivating words. But my mind deviate me in real social life. I really I want to be clean but sometimes my eyes don't obey my order to look straight way.
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Re: Wake Sleepy up! 13 Sep 2019 16:45 #343551

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i have to share something that gave me a chizuk, and hope others will get a chizuk as well.
Quote :
I read an essay about a man who saw a cocoon ,and noticed the butterfly inside trying to make its way out of the tiny hole.The butterfly struggled mightily to exit the cocoon,and spent several hours trying to force its body through the small opening.Finally it appeared as though the butterfly had reached an impasse ,and could not proceed any further.The man felt sorry for the butterfly,so he took a pair of scissors  and cut a large opening through which the butterfly  could leave.Sure enough ,the butterfly easily exited the cocoon,but the man noticed  that the body was contorted and its wings were shriveled.He kept the butterfly ,figuring that eventually,as it grew, its wings would develop and it would be able to fly. The man failed to understand that the struggle to exit the cocoon has the effect of transferring fluid from the butterfly's body to its wings ,which is how they develop.He thought he was doing the butterfly  a favor  by ending its struggle, but in reality, he thwarted  its growth. 
  Sometimes , a struggle is precisely what we need in life to develop our "wings" so we can soar and reach  great heights.
(Living Emunah volume 1 pg 90)
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 13 Sep 2019 18:07 by sleepy.
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Re: from zero to 90 13 Sep 2019 16:41 #343550

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sleepy wrote on 08 Sep 2019 09:11:

drust wrote on 06 Sep 2019 15:05:
both ways.... Unfortunately both internet and real society make me fall. In real society I should control my eyes but it's so difficult. and at home I should to avoid of being alone, but It's difficult to go out , too.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.

how is your Torah learning going?do you try to learn every day?

unfortunately my answer is negative. but i'm doing my best in this subject.
I'm learning from any source that I could get from the internet.
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Re: Ashrei HaIsh - How? 13 Sep 2019 16:17 #343549

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"How do I get back to myself, back to Hashem, back to my family and be joyful like the Ish in Tehilim?"
welcome,stick around ,and find out from the succesful ones over here!
wishing you hatzlacha! have you tried reading the gye handbook?
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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Ashrei HaIsh - How? 13 Sep 2019 16:03 #343548

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Hello Everyone,

I had been struggling with this problem for many many years. I have tried different things to try to overcome, but none have yet succeeded. I have told myself over and over again to just stop. My struggle and problem is with internet use. Perhaps I am not trying hard enough. Perhaps my path is incorrect. How do I get back to myself, back to Hashem, back to my family and be joyful like the Ish in Tehilim?

yidanochi
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Re: Elul-new start 13 Sep 2019 03:16 #343547

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I made it to 2 weeks! 


I’ve started reaching out and make connections with other people. It is important I do that. A conversation with someone in this community made me realize there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to give up some things. This is a process, but I know there are things I need to give up to overcome this struggle. Such as the freedom to have access to internet any time I want. I’m sure there is more.
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sleepy wrote on 12 Sep 2019 14:14:

sleepy wrote on 12 Sep 2019 14:11:
sg, jack 123, might have been scared by that post,it really depends in what nigun it was read. 

or maybe not everyone is paranoid like i am...

and what may i ask are YOU staring at? 
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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sleepy wrote on 12 Sep 2019 18:49:

jack123 wrote on 12 Sep 2019 18:20:
how is anyone meant to figure out who you are?
whats with the paranoia?
dunno I feel relatively safe and anonymous.
keep shteiging

its good to know that youre Jack and Chill

see now you know a bit more about me!!
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jack123 wrote on 12 Sep 2019 18:20:
how is anyone meant to figure out who you are?
whats with the paranoia?
dunno I feel relatively safe and anonymous.
keep shteiging

its good to know that youre Jack and Chill
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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It's been discuss elsewhere on the forum (Hashem Help Me mentioned it on his thread) that meeting fellows GYE members is a very liberating experience.  The forum provides anonymity, which allows its member to "unload" their burden and discuss/share freely about their struggles.  At the same time, sharing the burden with real people takes the recovery to a whole new level.  I'll admit that the thought of people finding out about my problems is terrifying, but if I have a chance encounter with another GYE member, it would probably be a powerful experience. Kind of catch 22
Last Edit: 12 Sep 2019 18:45 by Dave M.
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how is anyone meant to figure out who you are?
whats with the paranoia?
dunno I feel relatively safe and anonymous.
keep shteiging
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sleepy wrote on 12 Sep 2019 14:14:

sleepy wrote on 12 Sep 2019 14:11:
sg, jack 123, might have been scared by that post,it really depends in what nigun it was read. 

or maybe not everyone is paranoid like i am...

I only see one way that it can be read, but I have no idea who he is. That was my point. We have no idea and therefore we might be talking yo ouw own brother here 

I'm major paranoid, but I've come to feel that if I'm 'caught' in recovery by people who are struggling themselves... well it might not be so bad afterall...
BIG SHOT!
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sleepy wrote on 12 Sep 2019 14:11:
sg, jack 123, might have been scared by that post,it really depends in what nigun it was read. 

or maybe not everyone is paranoid like i am...
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 12 Sep 2019 14:23 by sleepy.

Re: Lessons Learned 12 Sep 2019 14:12 #343539

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 12 Sep 2019 01:55:
Sexuality is a koach Hashem put into this world. Lets examine a different force that Hashem endowed us with, electricity. Its power can be harnessed to light up hospitals and yeshivas, pump life giving water, among myriads other tikun olam accomplishments. Unfortunately it can be used in a destructive, even murderous fashion as well. When such an unfortunate occurrence takes place, it means one has corrupted a gift/brocho given to Man to better the world, and has used it against the Benefactor who so graciously gifted it to us. Similarly, sexuality, an incredible force, was given to Man to resemble Hashem and procreate. And in reality when a couple is involved in bringing children to this world, chazal tell us that Hashem is in some way part of the goings on, as a 3rd partner in the development of the fetus. The actual act itself is the pinnacle of intimacy between a husband and wife, if they are living a truly intimate life outside of the bedroom consisting of loyalty, care, concern, support, love, patience, respect, and selfless giving. We refer to such an act as menucha, for when appropriately together, we are returning to the original male/female joined matzav of Adam HaRishon before Chava was separated from him. The human nefesh (of all mankind, regardless of geographic location, culture, or religion) yearns for this state of intimacy and calming satisfaction. This is using the koach of sexuality for true tikun olam -giving, uniting, procreating, all in a G-dly manner causing a nafshiyus'dig uplifting pleasure of serenity, satisfaction, true calm, and yes - holiness. Our Western "sex is evil" poisoned minds must be rewired to understand that our forefathers and the tzaddikim of all generations engaged in sex as avodas Hashem with both components of bein adam l'chaveiro (spouse), and bein adam l'makom. When one unfortunately views pornography he is being trained to corrupt that incredible force and use it selfishly to use and abuse others. The "stars" on the screen have to "protect" themselves from becoming pregnant, so having children is simply out the window.  Intimacy, love, loyalty, and care are totally non existent. Its all about my pleasure. Menucha?! Erotic is the goal. Holy? Uplifting? Better sex means more and more animalistic and objectifying. That great brocho Hashem granted to Man is perverted beyond recognition. Of course one who has received his education in the online college of sex cannot fathom how tzaddikim have children. The ironic twist to this is that the pleasure of pornographic sex as compared to the real thing is as negligible as the beauty when comparing a cheap neon light to an awe inspiring magnificent sunset.

We established that pornography is absolute poison and chas v'shalom will cause major issues in marriage. Not only the obvious danger of the wife finding out that her supposedly frum husband is watching filth and that she is obviously "not enough for him", but even if never caught, the damage is horrendous. As nice as he may be to his wife, there is a most powerful underlying programmed message that his wife is his object, his toy, his "kosher masturbating tool". It is tragic to think that one can be married for decades, and without even realizing it, selfishly use and abuse his wife. Once one has come to the realization that this is the reality, his heart and mind should be ready to undertake to never watch pornography again.

HHM, your post should be (theatrically speaking) hanging in all the streets of town (instead of all those horrible adds..............). You pointed out so well what sexuality is in it's essence, and how we corrupt our minds with all the porn etc. stuff out there.
As usual, here too you so beautifully brought these points to light. Thank you so much for your clarification, and congrats on reaching 1000 days clean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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jack123 wrote on 12 Sep 2019 04:57:

sleepy wrote on 11 Sep 2019 20:25:
just a little humor , sorry.

since when dyou need to be sorry for being humorous?!
anyway I hit 3 whole full complete weeks clean, beh many more to come

good for you,and keep it up!
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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sg, jack 123, might have been scared by that post,it really depends in what nigun it was read. 
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
Last Edit: 12 Sep 2019 14:24 by sleepy.
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#63
​Our problem is not that we can't change, our problem is that we don't believe that we can change.
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jack123 wrote on 12 Sep 2019 10:35:
now that was a good pun/metaphor! 
its funny that my most real friends who want you to succeed, are the ones ill never know... 

Or maybe you already know....
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now that was a good pun/metaphor! 
its funny that my most real friends who want you to succeed, are the ones ill never know... 
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Hey Jack, stick with us. 

Keep climbing the beanstalk, and I pray you don’t fall. 

I heard Gevura found a whole a pot of black j-beans, maybe you guys can open a private kiddush club up there. 


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sleepy wrote on 11 Sep 2019 20:25:
just a little humor , sorry.

since when dyou need to be sorry for being humorous?!
anyway I hit 3 whole full complete weeks clean, beh many more to come
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Re: Lessons Learned 12 Sep 2019 01:55 #343531

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1 (continued). We established that pornography is absolute poison and chas v'shalom will cause major issues in marriage. Not only the obvious danger of the wife finding out that her supposedly frum husband is watching filth and that she is obviously "not enough for him", but even if never caught, the damage is horrendous. As nice as he may be to his wife, there is a most powerful underlying programmed message that his wife is his object, his toy, his "kosher masturbating tool". It is tragic to think that one can be married for decades, and without even realizing it, selfishly use and abuse his wife. Once one has come to the realization that this is the reality, his heart and mind should be ready to undertake to never watch pornography again.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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Re: Lessons Learned 11 Sep 2019 23:03 #343530

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Although 1000 is a milestone, what is more important is understanding that there really is no difference between day 1 and day 1000 if the mind is healthy and kosher. Yes, a streak of x amount of days is mechazek someone that he can b'ezras Hashem be in control, as well as be a mechayev "I don't wish to ruin my streak". However of much greater importance is rewiring the brain.



I will try to share some points that were helpful for me, and hopefully will help others.



1.Sexuality is a koach Hashem put into this world. Lets examine a different force that Hashem endowed us with, electricity. Its power can be harnessed to light up hospitals and yeshivas, pump life giving water, among myriads other tikun olam accomplishments. Unfortunately it can be used in a destructive, even murderous fashion as well. When such an unfortunate occurrence takes place, it means one has corrupted a gift/brocho given to Man to better the world, and has used it against the Benefactor who so graciously gifted it to us. Similarly, sexuality, an incredible force, was given to Man to resemble Hashem and procreate. And in reality when a couple is involved in bringing children to this world, chazal tell us that Hashem is in some way part of the goings on, as a 3rd partner in the development of the fetus. The actual act itself is the pinnacle of intimacy between a husband and wife, if they are living a truly intimate life outside of the bedroom consisting of loyalty, care, concern, support, love, patience, respect, and selfless giving. We refer to such an act as menucha, for when appropriately together, we are returning to the original male/female joined matzav of Adam HaRishon before Chava was separated from him. The human nefesh (of all mankind, regardless of geographic location, culture, or religion) yearns for this state of intimacy and calming satisfaction. This is using the koach of sexuality for true tikun olam -giving, uniting, procreating, all in a G-dly manner causing a nafshiyus'dig uplifting pleasure of serenity, satisfaction, true calm, and yes - holiness. Our Western "sex is evil" poisoned minds must be rewired to understand that our forefathers and the tzaddikim of all generations engaged in sex as avodas Hashem with both components of bein adam l'chaveiro (spouse), and bein adam l'makom. When one unfortunately views pornography he is being trained to corrupt that incredible force and use it selfishly to use and abuse others. The "stars" on the screen have to "protect" themselves from becoming pregnant, so having children is simply out the window.  Intimacy, love, loyalty, and care are totally non existent. Its all about my pleasure. Menucha?! Erotic is the goal. Holy? Uplifting? Better sex means more and more animalistic and objectifying. That great brocho Hashem granted to Man is perverted beyond recognition. Of course one who has received his education in the online college of sex cannot fathom how tzaddikim have children. The ironic twist to this is that the pleasure of pornographic sex as compared to the real thing is as negligible as the beauty when comparing a cheap neon light to an awe inspiring magnificent sunset.     To be continued...…..
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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and be well, btw.
For an explanation on my choice of username and avatar see my first post
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