farblunjet wrote on 14 Nov 2019 17:51:

For now, all can I say to you is, first, a Refua Chelema : even if it's technically impossible, Hachem is the Ruler of the world and nothing is impossible for Him...

Just a little story : one day, the Lubavitcher Rebbe said to a chassid who has a broken leg and was in a wheelchair  
- Do you think that Hachem will cure you ?
- Yes
- Liar !!! You don't think it ! Again : do you think that Hachem will cure you ?
- Yes
- Liar !!! One again : do you think that Hachem will cure you ? Really ?!
- (With tears) Yes, absolutly !
- Then, get up and walk !
So the chassid did, and he was cured instantly...

If you really think that Hachem is the real Rofe, nothing is impossible...

Second : I can't even imagine how can we feel when we learn such a thing, but please stay here, and stay connected to Hachem...
Nothing is terminated, and you have for sure many reasons to appreciate life and the future, even with this disease...

Stay strong and high, and may Hachem helps you

Today went very well thank god. i had a very busy and productive day and ready for tomorrow.

Yes, thats for sure true. I see that very clearly now

I had a long time in bed today thinking about others
i came on this site to find some options I foun

In addition to this method, if I felt that I couldn't mentally shake myself away from illicit thoughts, I would imagine one of three things: either the illicit image in my mind suddenly became digusting (in my case I chose the mental image of maggots erupting from the body), or I would imagine the same thing done to my own body, or an image of what they would do to me in Gehinnom if I continued to waste seed. If for some reason I couldn't shake the illicit thoughts, then I forced myself to get up from my bed and start to walk around/go to the bathroom/release my pent up energy. I only returned to bed after making sure I was no longer aroused
i hope to try it
still going strong at 6 days

to me keeping busy in the house and reading books is very helpful plus doing daily exercise  

Here is a great dvar torah from jbuff.com on the power of giving & also on the concept that true love comes after marriage-not before (even if it may “feel” that way)

After the near sacrifice of Yitzchok (Isaac), Avraham realizes it is time for Yitzchok to get married.

From the sequence of events which lead up to the marriage of Yitzchok, we can glean many valuable insights into the ideas of love and marriage.

Avraham instructed his servant, Eliezer, to find a wife for Yitzchok (Eliezer, besides being a trusted aide to Avraham, was also a tremendously pious and perceptive person; finding a spouse in such a fashion is certainly not a recommended procedure for this generation). How would Eliezer know who would be a fitting bride for Yitzchok? Let us look to the narrative of the Torah: “She (Rivka, also known as Rebecca) said, ‘drink my lord’, and quickly she lowered her jug to her hand and gave him a drink. When she had finished giving him drink, she said, ‘I will draw water even for your camels until they have finished drinking.’ Later, Rivka tells Eliezer: “Even straw and feed is plentiful with us as well as a place to lodge” (Gen. Ch. 24). Rivka was a young girl, and as we know, camels are extremely thirsty animals. This, obviously, was very strenuous work, especially for a stranger! Yet Rivka does this work happily. This shows she has a very giving nature.

When Yitzchok is introduced to his future wife, the Torah tells us the sequence of events: “And Yitzchok brought her (Rivka) into the tent of Sarah his mother; he married Rivka, she became his wife, and he loved her” (Gen. Ch. 24 V.67). The sequence of events is seemingly out of order. Shouldn’t Yitzchok have loved Rivka before he married her?

Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler has a classic piece in his seminal work “Strive for Truth”. He explains that “the world is comprised of givers and takers.” It is of utmost importance, and in reality it is the key to our happiness, both with in our relationship with our spouses, family, friends and with G-d, to strive to be givers. Being a giver is the antithesis of being selfish.

Logically it would seem that a person loves someone because of what he could get from him. In reality, the exact opposite is the truth. Think of the relationship between a parent and a child. What does a child, certainly in the first couple of years of life, give a parent? Yet which normal parent does not have boundless love for his child?

It is giving that develops and increases love.  In modern society, pop culture and movies often portray people as “falling in love” within the first few times they meet. This is obviously false and should more appropriately be proclaimed as “falling in lust”.  One of the main reasons for the tragically high divorce rate is that people don’t understand that relationships take work, and above all giving leads to love, not vice versa.

This is how Yitzchok was able to marry Rivka, because he knew she was a giver. And through understanding the principle of giving, we see why only after he married her, and would have the opportunity to give to her, would he love her. Let us all undertake to work on being givers and to improve our relationships with our loved ones and with God

Welcome 2!

I share many things you mentioned in your 3 posts.
And yes it’s possible here on GYE to get a Sobriety Date and be totally clean thereafter with zero falls for many months / years, and lots of fulfilled days and still be happy :-)

Take things day by day.

Just because you might have ben clean for a long while, it does not mean that you can be complacent.

Very helpful, I agree.

Keeping busy so important.
Also reads to me a if you get highs and lows, so your personality may be mildly manic depressive?

In which case, routine helps to focus you.
And not being tired helps also, getting proper exercise and sleep.
But not obsessing over either...life is life..and there are days where we d not get to do much exercise (might fit in a few push ups?) or get less sleep than we want.

Also, if alone, then daven personal prayer...and have a lost of books to read.
Perhaps even write notes abut the books, so that it becomes a focus activity rather than something you can drift from and go on the computer and then aimlessly wander.

The advice for being clean long term is the same as being clean for one day....take things day by day, hour by hour or minute by minute if need be.
Focus on that moment.  

Shteigen613 wrote on 28 Oct 2019 22:19:

I hope not in jail
but I don't have any opinions on outside issues

Hi,
I'm not speaking from a place of "being clean" for a significant amount of time or so, just want to share what I noticed does help, and what, in my own experience tends to bring me down...

1. what helps is being out there, in real life, talking to people, and in general being active, doing things.
2. very important to go to shul every day, even, and especially, after a yeridah.
3. make sure to learn torah, and especially chassidus every day.

what generally brings me down is,
1. Loneliness at home, when wife and family are sleeping and Im not tired...
go on computer, and after a while... you know..
for me, it's sometimes better to be in shul late then come home and potentially waste my time and get to these things chas vshalom

2. when I'm really excited, and on a high, for good reasons, but don't know how or where to channel that energy... unfortunately it many times brings to this.... oh well.
3. emptyness. if I haven't studied Torah that day at all, or not davened maariv yet....

also helps to have an active day by day and in general to be productive and "giving", i.e. not just reading or keeping to yourself but talking with people, and accomplishing things.

and ALWAYS ALWAYS get right back on track, keep davening, learning, aderabe, that is what helps you get back on track.

i wish I had advice on how to stay clean long term, but sadly can't say that yet...

but there is always hope, and as hard as it is, the fact that were still alive means H' is giving us another chance, and is waiting for us.

hey so it clearly been about two weeks since i last wrote. basically i caught up in work and just being busy and missed a few days of writing on the forum. I made a large mistake by stopping because i thought that i had a lot of chizuk and i was set. unfortunately i had a fall, but i didn't let that stop me and i got right back. In a way, I'm okay with falling, along as i don't fall the same way twice in a row.(this time i believed the reason is because i stopped posting). The time though, with the true help of god, i will try my best to not miss a day of writing. This is a battle that requires the strongest of our generation(the times of moshiach) to stand up and fight...... WE ALL KNOW WHAT WE WANT, SO LETS GO GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Day 33 A new week just started. Who knows what will happen.  But I know what will Not happen. I will fight (harder than last week), and make it awesome. 

79 days! This was a very difficult week.  I had a few nights of insomnia because I was anxious about something. B”H I made it through clean. I realize this battle is fought one day at a time. At the same time I need to remind myself in the future no matter how bad things are I have  gone through something very difficult stuff without acting out, there’s  no reason to act out now.

This really resonated with me, because I'm pretty sure I've been attacked by every one at some point or another.

Which ones are most common for you? And do they cause you to remain stuck?

thank you
day 3
its definitely an easier day 3 than my last so that's good

Day 31 So definitely had stressful last few days (unrelated to..) but of course that makes everything harder. 
Either today is a 30 day celebration party but I can’t really invite anyone. 

greenland55 wrote on 15 Nov 2019 09:05:

Keep in mind, that we are not in this world to coast.  Life is a journey.  There will be times, when things are running smoothly and our avodas Hashem is going well and we feel "good" about ourselves.  But there will be "low" days as well.  I know this is easier said than done, but perhaps this perspective will help you ride this out.  Things will get better.  I promise.  You are doing a great job so far. 

Your honesty and courage are impressive. Do you speak to anyone about all this? Do you have a rebbi/mentor? Or at least a good chaver to speak with? Probably that would be the way to proceed, just my opinion (because it has worked for me...)

This has not been a good night at all. I have not been sleeping well for the past week or so. Today I slept through all of my classes which is pretty mortifying when you wake up to the prof looking you in the eye. But I go down to sleep pretty early because I was tired.
(spoilered for describing fall, feel free to skip)
I wasn't immediately sorry for what I had done because I was angry at Hashem for the fact that I hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a week and because of other social and personal complications caused by starting to be Torah observant. Turns out not every mitzvah is convenient.
But on the other hand, there is an entire book in the Tanakh (Job) about being angry with Hashem for things not going my way which I just thought about while writing this post (incidentally, reading it caused me to delete an entire depressing paragraph). What I need is to strengthen my Emunah but I'm not sure how.
If people have any comments on what to think about this or advice on how to deal with this situation in the future I'd really greatly appreciate it.

You write beautifully. Keep on writing and inspiring! Hatzlocha.

Snowflake

what made you fall?

I know you blame the YH, but was there a trigger?

Were you stressed or tired or lonely?

90 days is just an incentive.

For the rest of your life, you have to take it day by day, and sometimes hour by hour or ten minute block by ten minute block.

Do not be hard on yourself...be nice to yourself.

Acknowledge your emotions, but you do not have to act on them.

thank you all for viewing my posts
i think i decided to first focus on porn with a side focus on masterbation not sure if this is the best option but it seems that i should focus on the one that has the potential to destroy my marriage first. besides that is the one that i feel is less frequent and therefor easier to get to 90.
i realize now that 90 isn't a magic # and you are safe.
not that i am not trying for the masturbation but i have one counter for now and will start with viewing porn.
i feel that i need to come back to this site for more frequent chizuk i have signed up for the daily emails i hope that will help
if you have any comments please post
thank you

sleepy wrote on 14 Nov 2019 17:51:

dont give up,no matter what we are all Davening for the precious yid whose username is farblunjet

yes!

Amen. But a refuah sheleima is not naturally possible, as far as I know.

farblunjet wrote on 14 Nov 2019 17:10:

if so, then why dont i have a virus,must be because you are closer to Hashem ,therefore Hashem expects more from you than from me...

..................

@Markz

I can't vaccinate,
it is too late.

To demonstrate, I may go, 
But help me, it won't, no no.

farblunjet wrote on 14 Nov 2019 17:10:

refuah sheleima

farblunjet wrote on 14 Nov 2019 17:10:

So vaccinate

I did avyris, and now I got a virus. 

Just don't become a blizzard...

Unfortunately I had a fall yesterday. 
I think the main issue was not calling for help. The YH was very clever. I was in the midst of that debate and didn't even have an urge, but then the YH convinced me it was ok, even though I didn't really have an urge. At that time, I should've logged in here and talked to someone. Not calling for help is something I really need to work on. I feel a lot like a self sufficient guy, which can be detrimental sometimes.
Still, I'm not depressed. I'll keep on trying. Day 1 again.

Hello fellow GYE members!

I'm on my journey to 90 days, currently holding in day 17.
Yesterday I experienced something remarkable that I'd like to share with you all. I found myself feeling the familiar feeling of taavah, but it was missing it's edge. The part of the taavah that sort of says, "therefore, you have to do something," was missing a little bit. 

Usually I, and I would guess others as well, tend to relate to the taavah and the feeling of needing to do something about the taavah as one unit. But this experience showed me that I can feel the taavah, and not need to do something about it, I can just let it be. And you know, it wasn't so bad!

In fact, it felt kind of good! Throughout these last couple of weeks I have had so many moments where I've said to myself, "Ah! I feel good! I feel clean!" Like I just took a much needed shower. But there have also been times where my desire was through the roof, and believe me I didn't feel too good then. But this experience yesterday was something different, I was able to feel the cleanliness of staying free from the aveira, while simultaneously feeling the taavah.

The Chazon Ish is quoted as often having referred to the great taanug of overcoming the yetzer. Not just feeling good about yourself because you overcame the yetzer, but while the fight is raging, feeling good overcoming the yetzer. The Gemara tells us that l'asid lavo, the yetzer hara will appear to both the tzadikim and the r'shaim (albeit differently) and they will both cry. Why must the tzaddikim cry? About what will they cry?
Rav Moshe Shapira Zatzal explained that the crying of the tzaddikim means that they are reliving the experience of the yetzer hara, and this is necessary for it is only possible to experience the tremendous oneg that is in store for them in the most profound way through experiencing it's contrast with the darkness of the yetzer.
Perhaps this lends some understanding to that taanug the Chazon Ish spoke about. If when overcoming the yetzer we can simultaneously access the sense of kedusha that we are maintaining by not giving in, we can experience an extra strong kedusha literally while feeling the taava, by virtue of the contrast to the taava itself.

May we all be zoche to strive for kedusha, and to always feel the joy of kedusha while overcoming out taavos!

What did I learn today?

Heard In a shiur

As long as one is learning things to tell other people, one is not learning anything.

now for my commentary we are all quick to dispense advice that we hear from others. But the best advice you can give someone, is something you lived yourself

While guilt can sometimes be good for us, often it ends up being bad for us. Sometimes it gets us to give up. Sometimes we end up stuck in the same behavior and don't get out because we identify as a person who "does those things." And there are many other ways guilt can keep us stuck.

I found a great section on this subject from The Battle of the Generation (https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation). It really resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with everyone. Here is a quote from the book (pages 347-348):

When you sin, the yetzer hara might cause some of the following thoughts:

            “I am a failure. The sin I just did makes me worthless. I am off the derech, exactly like those who have rejected everything. I am just as bad. I am a sinner.

            “I should have controlled myself. I could have done better. If I had just pushed myself harder, I would have won the battle. It would have been so simple for me to control myself had I tried harder, but I blew it again! I should have much more control over myself.

            “I am so ashamed. I’m embarrassed to even go near anybody. Anyone who would know what I did would look down on me. Nobody would empathize with me about my struggles, not that there is much to empathize with anyway. Everybody does much better than me. I am probably the only person who does these things. No one else sins in this area, and I give in left and right. I am messed up.

            “All the good I ever did is meaningless because I did this huge sin. I am horrible. How hard I fought and my effort to change myself is irrelevant; my sin is all that matters.

“Even though I labored and managed to control myself for the past two days, two weeks, or two months, that is worthless. I am the same out of control person I always was. All my effort was a waste; I’m just as horrible as I was before.

“Besides, any good I did doesn’t count because I was obligated to do it anyway. All that matters is falling short — which I just did when I violated my obligations.

            “I bet Hashem is furious with me. He hates me and has rejected me. It is hopeless! He will always look down on me. Even if I do teshuva, Hashem won’t accept it. It’s impossible to undo something this severe. I did it; how can I get rid of it?

            “Further, what happened is all my fault. I brought everything upon myself when I befriended those people and experimented with these sins. Had I controlled myself then, things would be so easy. If I didn’t watch those movies and hang out with those friends, I would still be pure. I activated my desires.

            “And now that I have awakened my temptations, it is too late. I can’t stop myself. I am incapable, as I just proved. I do these things. I am an addict and I will never regain control, no matter what I do. I can’t even improve the situation. I’m doomed.”

            These thoughts intensify the more severe the sin is. They are especially tough when it is something you haven’t done before. You feel so guilty, worthless, and helpless that it keeps you stuck in the muck. The first step is to realize that these thoughts come from the yetzer hara. They destroy your drive to serve Hashem and stop you from improving. That automatically shows it’s one of his tricks, no matter how convincing these arguments seem. Then, we can think about the situation rationally and figure out how these thoughts are incorrect.


Do any of these resonate with you? Are you able to see such thoughts making it harder for you to break free?

(See the book for more on how to deflect these thoughts, starting on page 348. Or start from the beginning of the chapter on page 341. Download the book here: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.)

Thanks MarkZ, but I am and probably most of us are here and we'll be so until Moshiach. I'm recovering BH but we've all got to understand that some innocuous things might not be options for us, the same way it is not bad for me to drink, but if a drunk with kids does (G-d forbid) it is.
But thank you kindly, it's been a blessing (and my part of theroom is extremely clean)

ColinColin wrote on 12 Nov 2019 22:09:

i saw this moshal  on rewarding ones self with lust because he had a good streak in refraining from lust
A guy who was struggling with his drinking walks into a bar and orders a drink. he looks at the glass and holds himself back for one minute, ten minutes ,and then a whole hour! wow he says to himself, i kicked the habit, you know what , this calls for a drink! and down the hatch it went...