I can't believe I've fallen again.

Hi everybody!       
          
                   This week is crucial for me. The reason why is because the first few days after a fall is when I am the most likely to give in and more than that totally give up. I Know that until my fall i gained plenty but the YH always works full time to turn a fall into full 180 and turn me in completely the other direction instead of letting my fall just be part of my journey. Today was no exception with the YH whispering in my ear during the seven o'clock hour that you should just know that you want this really bad and you don't really have motivation not to do it. BH I got past it with a little distraction and other tactics. But still it felt so strong I'm not sure exactly how I didn't fall, there must have been some heavenly intervention.

                    So anyway because this week is important for me to get back on track i figured id post more often and let you guys know that BH I'm at day two clean and imyh many more! Thank you guys!  
                                                                             yours truly, jwbf 

Hey yosefthetzadik! welcome to the forum i joined pretty recently myself (although I've been in touch with gye mentors for some time) and I totally get what you mean about gye being an addiction, at first I was thinking did I replace one with another!?

Just wanted to respond to a couple of your points which resonated with me. Number one I totally understand what you mean about a difficult home life triggering this behavior, its very much the case with me and I think you'll find others on this forum in similar situations. I will say something obvious yet which deserves to be emphasized that although its fair to say that it adds tremendously to the nisayon, it makes you a whole lot cooler in every little victory because your fight is so much harder and you can bet Hashem keeps that in mind.

Also let's just say your not the only single who hangs out on here...  I also would think that its harder for guys in our situation but at the same time you never know. For me personally it helps to think about the fact that at least you can look forward to a happy marriage with pas besalo (which of course doesn't mean that marriage is a replacement for P)  For example let's say a guy is struggling with shalom bayis or maybe isn't interested in his wife that could be in a way much harder because he can start feeling deeply dissatisfied  and he knows this is it there's no other form of pas besalo for him which I can imagine leads to all types of problems. That perspective sort of keeps the thing in perspective for me that you cant say the next situation in life will be the main time to deal with it because you just never know.

Anyway glad you've joined the struggle fellow bochur, yours truly, jwbf

trueme wrote on 01 Jul 2025 01:57:

That’s precisely my point.

This widespread "turn the other cheek" idea — where forgiveness is preached as the automatic and ideal response — is, in my view, mistaken. Not only that, but the phrase “I’m moichel you,” which is tossed around so casually today, likely accomplishes very little, halachically or emotionally.

Here’s the language of the Mechaber in Choshen Mishpat 422: החובל בחבירו אע"פ שנתן לו ה' דברים אינו מתכפר לו עד שיבקש ממנו וימחול לו ואסור לנחבל להיות אכזרי מלמחול כי אין זה דרך זרע ישראל אלא כיון שבקש ממנו החובל ונתחנן לו פעם ראשונה ושניה וידוע שהוא שב מחטאו וניחם מרעתו ימחול לו וכל הממהר למחול הרי זה משובח ורוח חכמים נוחה הימנו

To me, it’s clear: the derech Yisrael is not to be mochel automatically before real teshuvah has occurred. Of course, one may choose to forgive anyway, and that can be a high level. But it’s not demanded or expected halachically. And it comes after a lot of inner work.

The nightly tefillah you mention, from Megillah 28a, "כל דצער לי מחילנא ליה", is a midas chassidus. We don’t know if mar zutra was referring to those who apologized or not. Even if he meant all offenders, it likely referred to daily interpersonal friction, not serious and repeated abuse or trauma.

As for asking mechilla erev YK, it likely fits more in the spirit of Yom Kippur, a day of achdus and cleansing. See levush... With regards to tefilla zaka the hope is that with the spirit of the day one will be able to utter those words and mean it. But it's not a chiyuv and again the mashmoas is on aveiros that are not known (besides for the chutz) The emphasis in halacha is on asking for forgiveness so that others may forgive. The halachic obligation is still for the offender to seek mechilah, not for the victim to offer it unconditionally.

Ultimately, this discussion is less about whether forgiveness is good, of course, ideally, we want to reach a place of peace. It’s about whether there's an obligation to get there prematurely, without an attempt for reconciliation, and whether pushing that can cause more harm than healing. Specifically the thought process some bochurim come away with; that Hashem wont forgive them unless they forgive is very harmful and a real chillul Hashem.

Each person has their own journey. I fully agree with you that there is tremendous healing and bliss in true acceptance and emunah, but that can’t be rushed or forced on someone still in the thick of their pain.

 And we have to be real with ourselves and realize if we are still angry that we are allowed to be human.

Hey yosfthetzadik,
Please feel free to reach out whenever. I am 23 and single (soon not to be as BenHashemBH mentioned ) 
I used to use Porn and Masturbation daily or multiple times a day from age 12. Baruch Hashem I am currently at around 580 days of no Porn and 440 days of no Masturbation. 

Heres another post of mine from a while ago 
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/412126-Jewizard21s-Journey?limit=15&start=120#432410

As for married men having it easier, its not so simple and I can elaborate when I am not running off a few hours of sleep, 3 coffees, and it being 12:30am 

Also there is a stage where nobody really talks about and that is the engagement period, which I will also elaborate on at a different time.

For now, what have been your main motivators so far? and why do you think they haven't worked long term?

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!

tanks wrote on 30 Jun 2025 20:42:

It's very special of you to come back here after years of not being here.

Even more so is it special that after so much years of fighting you still won't cross that line you made for yourself!

KOMT!!!!

Hope you're doing a little better now. Hang in there brother. 
Blessings,

Hi Everyone,

I am having trouble staying clean consistently.  I seem to be able to resist for about a week to 10 days or so, but I am having trouble maintaining beyond that.  I have the Covenant Eyes filter with Web Chaver on my phone and computer, but they are not perfect.  I am reaching out to ask if anyone would know of or would be willing to be an accountability partner.  Any tips would also be very welcome!

Thanks!

Photog

Jonathan, I am having trouble messaging you.
Do you have a rav?

Thank you, brothers. 

SisonYishecha wrote on 01 Jul 2025 03:04:

3 comments:

1 - I think that there is a machlokes Rishonim if the issur of Lo Sisna is only "bilvuvecha"
2 - Regardless, the mitzva of v'uhavta takes out some of the punch of your comment, no?
3 - The "bilvuvecha" aspect would require the wronged party to confront the one who caused him pain, no?

Forgiving someone for the wrong he has done to us doesn't take away from the fact that what he has done is wrong and we should still label it as wrong. Also, although perhaps we should forgive someone who hurt us physically, emotionally or financially (after he paid), I am not sure that it applies to someone who hurt us spiritually.

Trauma and abuse doesn't seem to be the topic of discussion but since you brought it up I heard from someone who was sexually abused that he received a psak that he isn't obligated to forgive. I wonder whether this holds true for everyone who was sexually abused and whether it also holds true for those who were physically abused.

According to psychologytoday.com psychologists tell their clients who were abused that they aren't obligated to forgive. Psychologists also say that it causes a lot of harm when people push those who were abused to forgive when they aren't at a stage where they are capable of forgiving. Psychologists will suggest forgiveness at a late stage of therapy if and when it is feasible.

I also don't know of an obligation to forgive someone who didn't ask for forgiveness but there seems to be a source to go over to the person who hurt you and tell him that you were hurt so that he can ask for forgiveness. Obviously, this would only be in a case where there is a chance that he will regret what he did and he will have true remorse. It definitely wouldn't apply in a case where you would get hurt even more by talking to him. in my experience, abusers are in denial of their actions let alone to have them admit that their actions were hurtful to others and they were wrong.

I agree with everything ChaimOigen wrote about the system. I also believe there are more things at play in many cases that the system failed than the system itself. I am not taking responsibility off of the system but what I am saying is that you have to look into every failure of the system, and look at all the components that were at play so that you can get a full picture. Sometimes there are people aside for the educators that are at fault when a child gets hurt in the system. Sometimes it can be parents. Sometimes it can be a third party that interacted with the child the wrong way. Sometimes it can be that a child was placed in the wrong school. Even when it is the system it is usually an educator or principal who did a poor job and not a general problem with the system.

When I was in school, both in elementary school and Beis Hamedrash it felt like the principal and Mashgiach were out to get me. There were only a few Rebbes in elementary school that showed me that they cared about me and in high school and Beis Hamedrash none of the Rebbies showed me that they cared. I was a very sensitive child so this made a great impact on my personality. Perhaps I should have went to different schools where they give personal attention but then I might not have grown up as strong in Yiddishkeit as I did. My father beat me until I was 15 years old. I could have easily ended up thinking that Hashem was out there to get me but for some reason it didn't happen. For some reason I grew up believing that Hashem loved me, perhaps because of the love I received from my mother, or perhaps because of the mercy and compassion I had for others.

I heard from someone professional that the relationship a person has with Hashem is usually based on the relationship he has with his father. For some reason what my father did hasn't affected my relationship with Hashem but when someone feels that Hashem is out there to get him it would be worthwhile for him to check his relationship with his father. Of course someone could have the inverse of my experience where the father is a wonderful person and the child still feels that Hashem is out there to get him. My point is just that it can sometimes be because of the father and not because of the system.

Eerie I'm not physically capable of one word answers. If I must: Both
lol.

Moreaccessto online contentathome, morefreedominyeshiva.

Except now I just remembered the tekufah where I got a hidden smartphone in yeshiva. Darn. I'm still sticking with both.

Wait I have a different one word answer: Depends.

Depends on the age, high school yeshiva exposed me to many things (that I eagerly "researched" at home), early bais medrash yeshiva gave me freedom to explore and indulge. But later on yeshiva was better for most of the time - less access and more torah.

The Issur of לא תשנא את אחיך לבבך would seemingly imply that the הנהגה your referring to is somewhat of a Darga, and not necessarily demanded of the המון עם. 

But I may be totally wrong in my understanding. 

how you doing? 

Checking in for a sec.

Today's highlight:Extending a conversation on the phone with my wife so I could stand on that street corner a minute longer to get an eyeful of the woman I spotted in the distance heading my way. Grateful I can be honest with myself about what was going on there. Also grateful for the vaad where I was able to honestly share about that. It bothered me equally or greater than porn, actually. The same amount of going to take in lust, with the added bonus of being a shtickel sicker by shlepping in my wife as an unwitting accomplice.

Also grateful that I didn't have the opportunity to overreact to some mild criticism by escaping to porn (like I wanted to). 

Also grateful for the awareness that if I keep up taking in lust and fantasizing it's only gonna end one way.

Hoping for a saner day tomorrow.

hey im back again  its day 1. many wins and falls since.  I dont come on here alot because i try to stay off the internet...
but it really helps to be on here, the group effect etc.
thanks

Home was worse.
What's the goal of this poll?

when i rushed out of a store, i opened the door very quickly and bumped straight in to a heimishe women.. that was really awkward!

yosefthetzadik wrote on 30 Jun 2025 22:46:

Shalom Brother,

Might I suggest the following posts from our (soon to no longer be) single Magic Man:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/412126-Jewizard21s-Journey?limit=15&start=135#434605

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/412126-Jewizard21s-Journey?limit=15&start=105#430003

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/417787-nechama-for-the-singles?limit=15&start=15#424553

Hatzlacha!

First of all I respect all here and I appreciate the topic.
I get that anyone suffering trauma and doesn't want to forgive shouldn't be judged.
No compelling obligation? Nu nu. I think there is a compelling reason and argument.
What is tefillas zakah about? Dont we ask straight out that Hashem should put it into the hearts of those we have wronged to forgive us - is that talking only if you asked them forgivness (Hold on guys, pause the davening I gotta go ask, aww shucks he lives chutz l'tchum...) ? And that we forgive everyone as well - only if they asked us forgivness!? 

Forget that.
Dont we say (at least some of us anyway, I wish I was one of them:wink:), the tefillah of ribono shel olam I am mochel each night to forgive anyone and everyone...who here has a nightly line of the people waiting to ask forgivness????
A holy wise jew once told me that when someone wrongs someone that is "himmel zachen", even though we are perplexed by bechira, no one can harm you, it's all Hashem's plan. If the fellow is a bona fide rasha, that is a different story, 'באבד רשעים רנה, אהבי ד' שנעו רע וכו...but most Jews are not like that even if they do very wrong things. (eh...like me, why else am I here...)
Im not saying it's easy or hard or what not.

The parsha of Yosef is a difficult parsha to say the least and it's very difficult to say that the same Yosef who said that the shevatim didnt do this, Hashem did this, and pacified the shevatim(!) Also at the same time never forgave them. I was always taught, and I believe there are strong sources for this, I apologize I don't have them offhand, that because Yosef didn't say with words I AM MOCHEL YOU - that is why we still suffer from that חטא. (Hence why many people are particular to get an explicit, verbal, forgivness) But It could be it was overlooked then that such a detail was imperitive. I dont believe there is any proof from Yosef to our discussion in reagrds to whether one should find it in his heart to forgive.
Regarding a Talmid Chochom, the pshat (IMHO) seems to be (פשוט) like the first pshat mentioned above - davka a ת"ח and davka because of k'vod hatorah. That's for sure the pushut pshat, remember we are talking about a massive shift l'massah (at least in perspective) you need a solid ראיה להפך. 
With all due respect and admiration (there really are special people here and also people that suffered alot) there definetely is a compelling argument, and although that might have not been the focus of the discussion, I think it should be brought to the table.
Matter of fact I think it's the objective truth, dare I say obvious, and it's just hard. It's more based on how far from a person's personal pain and trauma he has come and risen above. How far he is connected that it's all Hashem and everyone is puppets! (No offense of course, we all are puppets in that sense )
Love you all. 
P.S. Yes, I suffered trauma (as I think I mentioned) from the system, yes I was hurt by others in what I thought was in a thoughtless and coming out to be in a cruel manner, and yes I stand by what I said 1000%! 
Sorry, Im just a small fry, with my own trauma, but I think it is helpful to recognize the truth...when we will be holding there is different but at least we have the proper goal posts so we can say that we are trying.
Most importantly.
I believe the health and recovery that one attains when he reaches a state of acceptance in Hashem's ways and total loving reliance on him, including forgiving those that wronged him...I think that that stage is bliss. And we should at least aspire to that bliss.

lamaazavtuni wrote on 01 Jul 2025 00:09:

Well, it’s quite obviously because we don’t realize how uchy it is when there’s some שיריים of our shavings in/around the sink. 

Y don't women Realize how nasty it is to leave HAIR in the shower.
             Grossed out 

You mean you've been struggling since you've been on the forum years ago.
brother I ligit feel for you, that's gotta stink.
Maybe rejoin your fellow yidden who are having the same struggles as you, we can use guidance and wisdom from experience from someone that's been around the block.

My friend, we are here for you. It's kedai to have a connection with people for exactly such a time, so you can reach out and get some personal chizuk (and hugs). But even if you haven't established such connections, it's not too late. You can reach out to some guys here.
Feel free to reach out to the email in my signature

Stop acting like we don’t want the last slice of pizza. 

My dear friend Yosef, keep in mind although a lot of ppl on here are married kmat all of us if not every married person here struggled since they were a bochur .
so we can definitely relate to you , although i hear your point of that it's easier in a way cause we're married...

WOW!!! YHaTzaddik! Your progress up until now is SUPER impressive!!! You are fantastic! Keep up the amazing work, and you'll be soaring in no time!
BTW, While I am married, I have had the pleasure of getting to know many bachurim, many of whom have really gotten this whole thing under control, so don't worry at all, you can too!!!
Looking forward to hearing more from you

There is tremendous wisdom here.  Listen. Connect.  Implement some of the suggestions.  

Wishing you much success 
vehkam

Glad to hear, my friend!

KOMT!

I'm a beginner, not really a mentor on here. All that i can say is that it worth it! The greatest feeling in the world is being in control of yourself. Think about how proud g-d must be of you. If someone has a wife that loves them with all their heart, and some random offered them a night out, they would say; are you crazy?!? The same with g-d; when you would only grasp how much g-d loves you, more then any love in the world, how can you cheat on him? 
Pray to g-d, without his help man can not control his urges. 
Think long term: where do you want to stand in six monthes around?
weigh the short term relief vs the long term satisfaction, is it worth to give up your streak.
Hope this helps.
Good luck on your journey. 

Seniors on here, please correct me if I'm wrong about anything.

I feel that pretty soon I'm gonna have to join an addiction recovery program to break free from this forum, I'm nearly addicted by now... 

Thanks you guys for all the love and support, it really means a lot and makes me feel good.

Even more when I check out the profile of each of you guys that commented, and I get a picture of you guys's struggles, endurance, resilience and i see the large number of Holy days under your belts, it gives me hope, chizzuk, and what to look forward too. 

I feel honored to be part of such a holy family. A part of Hashem's most Elite Commando Unit, "Guardians of the Eye.

P.s. I see that almost everyone active on the chat sharing their story are married. Although it is a similar struggle, i do somewhat feel that a married person has somewhat of an advantage. Not that this is a competition. When I look at the 90 day chart, I see a trend that the higher you go, the less percentage people are singles. I set my eyes on that 90-day target, and it would be great to hear advice from singles how they reached that goal, and if in their opinion there is a difference between the struggles. 

Hoping to be up there one day, and thanks again.

Yosef

wow!!!

at this point you should be proud of yourself, the fact that you're able to overcome these tough Nisyonos you are like Yosef Hatzadik.... and with Hashems help you will be able to bring this to the level and iyh get rid of your remaining struggles....

yosefthetzadik wrote on 30 Jun 2025 19:42:

Welcome Yosef!! 
It's great to have you on board! Your determination and honesty will get you far iyH!!
So you've decided to skip the 20 chapters – looking forward to hearing the full version (maybe a little about your difficult childhood?) when you're ready... no pressure obvs.

From my experience, as long as we're not 100% convinced that M* is wrong and bad for us, all the counting in the world won't help. I am not sure what you've read so far to educate yourself, but it may be worth learning all of the sources properly inside (not the scary ones) until it becomes your passion to win this battle. Once you have that clarity and strong will, you'll find it much easier to overcome. Just like you've managed to overcome the P* challenges with such success – you clearly have what it takes to beat the YH!!

Much Hatzlachah!!

Looking forward to hearing from you,
UpAndDown

I see a few people have read this post. It's not so interesting, I know. If anyone would be so kind as to reply so I can continue to engage here and stay away from drek I would be most grateful!

Hey there tanks,

Sorry to hear you are having a tough week. Hang in there. We're here for you if you want to reach out to anyone.

Kol Tov

Having a really rough week with urges. Haven't been on this forum in years. Trying to do anything I can to prevent things from crossing a line. 

Well said 
And don't forget the Gemora in Yoma about a תלמיד חכם שאינו נוקם ונוטר כנחש, which one could seemingly deduce from there that their are instances they the pain is more than justified.

אע"פ שלכאורה הביאור הוא דוקא עניין של כבודו של תורה ושל מקום, שת"ח איני יכול למחול על זה, מ''מ ייתכן לומר שמהא גופא חזינן דפגיעה הפוגעת בכבודו של מקום מחייבת נקימה ונטירה, ונידון דנן חד הוא.

I'll leave it the Talmidei Chachamim of GYE,  to say pshat in the Gemora 

Shalom and Welcome Yosef the Tzadik!

Sounds like you've been doing some tough and meaningful work already. Kudos!

Check out some of the great resources that ProudYungerman posted and reach out anytime.

All the best!