Reb Jolly, I hope you don't mind that I respond here based on our messaging.
(I've heard various versions of this story, and whichever version is true, the message remains).
When Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, the great Rosh Yeshiva of the Mir, was a young bachur learning in Grodno, he went to visit to his uncle, the Rosh Yeshiva of Novardok, Rav Avrahahm Yaffen. During his visit, he asked his uncle to show him the best bachur in the Yeshiva. Rav Yaffen pointed to one bachur and said this is the greatest amkan in the yeshiva, he has the most penetrating insights. He next pointed to a different bachur and said he is the biggest masmid in the yeshiva, he is the most diligent. And he continued to point to different bochrim and point out each one as the greatest. This one for his Yiras Shomayim, incredible piety, or that one for his bekius, breadth of knowledge.
Rav Chaim said to his uncle, these are all great talmidim, but in the end which one is the greatest bachur in the yeshiva? The Rosh Yeshiva answered: “None of the above.” Rav Chaim was stunned. “None of the above? You just spoke about each of their virtues and nobility. If not them, who is the best?” His uncle took him to one of the corners of the Beis Medrish and showed him a bachur and said: “This is the greatest bachur in the whole yeshiva.” Rav Chaim was perplexed – in mentioning all the previous great bochrim his uncle never even mentioned this bachur, yet he is the greatest in the whole yeshiva?!
The Rosh Yeshiva answered, “This bachur’s defining trait is greater than all of the other bochrim in the yeshiva – this bachur is a mevakeish, he is a seeker and a searcher. The others may be smarter, more diligent, more pious, but he is the hungriest, he wants it the most.” That mevakeish ended up being the great Steipler Gaon, Rav Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky.
Brother Jolly, you are one that wants it badly. You look at others as if they are greater than you because they have this
maileh or that perceived
maileh. You have a hard time seeing in yourself what others see in you. Past any mistakes and regrettable choices is a man that desires deeply to do the right thing and give it his all to connect with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
ישמח לב מבקשי השם
Please see what we see. Be inspired by what inspires us. Not someone that is perfect, no, davka someone that is imperfect, and still, he seeks Hashem with all his heart. The same heart that will be filled with joy when you accept that you have this greatest
maileh. וכן , when you are willing to realize the potential of this koach that you have, I believe you will find the strength to accomplish the madreigos that you seek. Stop looking at where you are not, so that you may see the value in who you already are.
Kol Tov and a gutten Chodesh