EvedHashem1836 wrote on 14 May 2021 17:06:

Uh oh. I've been there my friend. Been there and....unfortunately done that. It can keep spiraling in small steps. Unless you shake yourself to the bones. Find something to completely reaffirm your commitment, make yourself FEEL you don't want it. Live it. Breathe it. 

Everyone has their own way. Read your old posts. Listen to a specific shiur, etc. The point is once our grip gets shaky, if we continue whiteknuckling...eventually we slip off.

Day 2
To communicate with a minimum of  one person at every Tefillah.

22 b"H!

Been having lots and lots of desires recently - unfortunately also looked at some images on purpose that I shouldn't have

Haven't let out zera so thats good

Told myself I'm just going to make it to shavuos thats how I didn't act out

after shavuos hopefully I'll have the strength to keep going but ill worry about that when it comes around

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 11 May 2021 03:36:

Kudos to you on the enormous courage by posting in the very next day and not letting it get to you. This takes enormous gevurah and is, IMHO true kedusha.
I think everyone has already said every Dvar Torah in shaychus with what just happened, so I just want to say that I'm your big fan, and please keep inspiring us (and trucking :p)
Well I thought of something, anyway:
"Lev nishbar zevach lelokim"... A contrived heart is an offering to Elokim, G-ds name in hester, occultation, which is, in a certain way connected to a higher level. The level of hester is so high a level, that it comes to us as something negative. It's so high, that we don't understand it, it looks like darkness. But in it, is contained the ultimate light.

Day 29
BH today was clean
Been a bit more stressful with the situation in EY, but seem to be doing fineBeH motsei shabbos will be 1 month clean

Have a great shabbos everyone
Looking_to_Improve

I happen to be a huge fan of guitar playing----ive been playing for twenty years and for me its a great kosher release of tension and anxiety------if you can learn to play an instrument id highly recommend it, there's nothing like it 

Returning to Yeshiva now. Held back from Masterbating last night. First time holding back in awhile.
I have an off Shabbos next Shabbos so will see y’all then.
Hatzlocha guys, and thanks so much for the support.

YeshivaGuy

I strongly second this. being engaged was VERY hard. Still remember it well. Would have loved to have this website and the ideas here to guide me through. 

Sorry about that, I've used chess.com only a few times and didn't even notice that. Lichess is the website I always use. As far as I know it's completely clean of ads. In fact I think that's why it's .org, it's kinda like a non-profit and relies on donations.
But again, like you said, chess really sharpens your mind. I have the lichess app and do some puzzles daily.
In fact, it's very good for when I have urges. Kinda mind numbing.

Hey there R'Meyer. How are you?
Please send us news.

I've been over 90 days quite a few times (as many members here I'm sure) and it definitely helps. It's certainly not a magic pill, which afterwards the urges are gone. But there really is some serious rewiring. I like HHM's mashal. It's almost like an intensive treatment, which may not be viable for the long term, but coupled with a long term plan, could be just the thing.
Usually, people with lower streaks (like me right now), can't get past a week or two. Sometimes it's a daily thing and you can't break free. The 90 day process can help break the vicious cycle of acting out, feeling dirty and repulsive, acting out again, promising never to do it again, act out, etc. To reach 90 days you also can't just "white knuckle" or go "dry drunk". Unless you implement serious strategies, you'll never make it. So it forces you to make a plan.

Hey guys B"H day #4 and #5 clean.

Not much to say, B"H trying not to think about shtus and focusing on more kedusha in general (i.e. studying more Torah).
Not dwelling on the past is helping me a lot. Also when the kids leave I try not to take it to the heart. I must always remember it's not "farewell", only "goodbye, till next week". No need to get too emotional.
The meeting with the shadchan was pretty interesting yesterday.
One the one hand he threw me the cold water bucket (is there such an expression in english?). I'm 29, almost 30, with two kids on the side. I'm not exactly a "most preferred match" for most women. On the other hand, I have B"H a very good parnossoh, am a decent guy yada yada and it's kinda of a men's market here in Brazil. Meaning, there are more single women out there looking for shidduchim than men. He reassured me we don't really need to look for divorcees with the kids on the side, but also don't expect a perfect 21 yr old. We're aiming towards the 25 yrs old with some kind of "downside" (not for me, but for the general community out there). I.e. the father's a goy, she's BT (I'm BT myself so what), gyores, etc.
The community here is very picky, meaning, they reject very good matches for unjustified reasons, which is good for me I guess lol.
Anyway, again, focusing on the future is my thing now. Dwelling on the past, makes me hella sad, which in turn is a trigger.
Bez"H I should get married to my REAL bashert soon.
Thank you all and hope to keep up...
On a final note, R'Grants challenge is really helping too. An intrusive thought came up last night and I was like hold on, are you really gonna spend 800 USD? (Again, that's what it feels like to us in Brazil, since the USD is more than 5 BRL).
A gut und heilige und noki Shabbes for our fellow brothers.

Your honesty is refreshing and will iyh be a key component of your recovery.  Let's review. You have radically changed your life by BH having kept yourself clean from pornography for a long time. Your masturbation is more of an anxiety issue than a ta'avah issue. Your kallah is on the same page as you about setting up a home technologically safe. You have more clarity than most chassanim about the purpose of the bedroom. You are heading toward iyh a beautiful married life.

Disclaimer - Of course it is far from geshmak to masturbate while on the phone with the kallah. Meeting and shmuesing as chassan and kallah is very teasing and challenging. I would dare say that it is quite common that things like that happen with many guys. Of course i am not saying "it is ok", but you are normal buddy. Maybe next time shmuess while outdoors... or come up with some other practical deterrent. 

How the urges manifest themselves is not really relevant. The extremely wide array of triggers different people have is incredible and sometimes even amusing. But as mentioned, it does not really make a difference. Usually one's past holds the explanation to why one leans towards specific urges and triggers. Besides knowing that fact - which helps one understand his drives and accept who he is, and feel less guilty and ashamed, it is usually a waste of time to analyze the past. One should not beat himself up because he has this or that urge. As far as recovery is concerned, it is all the same. A warped understanding of sexuality which can b'ezras Hashem be fixed.