Did too !!!

This is unbelievably valuable insight!! 
recognizing those patterns of thought, and realizing that you do have a choice- this is invaluable growth! 
Change is sweet. The courage to do so is sweeter! 

Keep on trucking, Chaver! 

Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

p.s.  Tonight the רבש״ע said that we should be a Mamaleches Kohanim and a goy Kadosh. Why a Mamleches? Because it takes Malchus to become so. And your self-aware control is the Midda of MALCHUS!!

BH finishing up day 3. Was an intense day emotionally at home but BeH will finish it up without fallin. As chancy says, even though I have an urge doesnt mean I have to follow through with it.
Thanks Proudyungerman for your response! I have reached out to others...but im sort of stuck in a catch 22....on the 1 hand im too scared to meet others in person...but on the other hand for me personally I feel that over the phone or messaging isnt enough of an emotional connection.....(in a healthy way obvs)....
Having said that it would be remiss for me not to mention HHM who has saved me multiple times and has been a shoulder to cry and laugh upon at times....
Any ideas welcome!

8 days clean !  Some urges in later afternoon bh holding strong ! 

Wow.

All I can do is offer you a warm hug and a shoulder to cry on...

Just said a kapital for you, brother.

sdny wrote on 28 May 2025 04:00:

I know I left a thank you, but I want you to know that this is very meaningful to me. Thank you for sharing. I'm just here trying to motivate myself and hold myself accountable to clean myself up and really be the trueme and I didnt think anyone would be encouraged at the same time. 

On that vein, I am reading some of the threads here and I am very humbled (and inspired) people really worked hard on themselves and changed. They are living life. Vehkam's thread is special but there are many others. Thank you for those that are posting these incredible posts and for those that are thanking so the one posting know his post made a difference. (Or to those that respond or reach out the one that posted)

Another thing I noticed as well. As Im reading the threads, some posts can be triggering. Some seem to be written in a very casual and honest way but are very explicit or crass. Regardless of whether a moderater deems to allow it or remove it, please consider before posting that tens of thousands can be reading on GYE looking for refuge and might end up looking at certain posts just to get a lust high. Same goes for the chat. Just pointing this out, I dont mean to preach and Im not worthy of doing so either, I have to clean up so much...

Anyone relate to the above?

I'm back to posting after this 2 week break, with several mini falls. Its been a rough sefirah after an almost 180 day great stretch. Those 180 days felt accomplishing and was quite impressive, but also a letdown when life just got harder.

I'm trying to keep expressing my hard feelings and my physical desires to Hashem - "velo chasachta". That is a yirei Hashem - not to hide from or deny the feelings or quash the desires, but to let Hashem know I am aware He gave them to me and I don't know how to manage them on my own. Also not to have one area I keep holding onto as one area I want on my terms, even if it is to help me deal with the challenges of life.

I am editing out my long post. Just in short - life has really been not easy for a very long time. I trust Hashem will pull me out of this. Hashem, please give me reason to keep trusting and not give up.

I had a insight today after Bh being much more in control of my thoughts and actions over the last 25 days. I realized that bh Ive been avoiding physical triggers (not looking, listening.. to things that may trigger me) But so far the hardest urges ive had, are due to my thoughts. Not thinking about inappropriate things just when im stressed or having a hard day, It causes me to doubt my abilities. After paying attention to this for the past couple weeks I noticed how ridiculous a stressful day in my life looked. I wake up to my baby screaming and hes not falling back asleep, I get upset and my mind starts to tell me HEY its time to watch porn now, (because obviously that will put my kid to sleep.) Im learning first seder its a very hard sugya nothings making sense. I leave first seder feeling unaccomplished. My mind tells me HEY its time to mastrbate. (because obviously that will help me understand Rashi) Its completely ridiculous but till now I never noticed how ridiculous it was.
Im not even sure if at this moment the fact that im realizing how funny it is, helps me fight these urges. Its still a struggle. But it definitely feels good to be a little more in CONTROL that I even notice these things!!!

Also I had a win today not in the area of kedusha but related. Im usually a more relaxed guy. But today something ticked me off pretty bad, And to add salt to the wound after that, the guy that ticked me off  asked me for a favor directly related to what he did to me. My initial thought was what the heck, no chance. But as I was about to text this guy it popped into my head HEY your 25 days clean. Your a diff man! And I was BH able to control myself and actually did the favot for the guy!!

Thanks

I heard an amazing מימרא from Reb Yehuda Jacobs Zatzal, Mashgiach in BMG. Speaking in a vaad to Yungerleit in yeshiva, he said. No Yungerman should ever walk around with too much cash in his pocket, because maybe he'll pass by an unsavory establishment.
This is so powerful for us on GYE. He wasn't talking at a GYE convention, he was talking to regular Yungerleit. He felt that, yes, even someone who has never even had a thought about such things still has to be careful, Because were all vulnerable. 
This means, we are NORMAL!!!! Yes we fell in our battles and maybe some of us took it pretty far... But the thoughts and the fantasies are what normal healthy Yidden, like us, have to deal with. 
Its true that we fell and let ourselves get carried away with our Taayvos. But that doesn't mean in any way that were bad or different, just means that were Hashems children who he placed in this world to experience such challenges and fight to the best of our ability.
The only reason why guys like us may be different, Is because when we win our battles we soar higher than we could have ever imagined!

KOMT Hatzlacha!!!

Day 11 yesterday. Was overall good. Wasn’t careful and looking into something with my wife and looked at her phone to see what she was showing me and it was prepared to click on links that could be risky. I was doing it to figure out the information, so I’m going to count as staying good but it is a danger and I need to be careful. These things could easily get out of hand. Overall, I try and avoid doing anything at all on her devices being that they are not filtered.

continuing to try and be in touch with others from here which is also helping me push forward. Great line from vehkam Keep choosing what you really want.

guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/mindshift

I tried to attach but it didn't work.  There's a link, hang on. 

simchastorah wrote on 28 May 2025 06:17:

You know? I come in here every day, and while clicking on this thread I pray silently "Please Hashem let it be another clean day for Simches Torah" 
Its like we have our own Sfiras Ha'Omer going on over here....

Keep on going upwards. 
P.S. you know you can call me whenever you want. Or chat, or PM or email. or mail. Whatever works for you.........

70 Days Clean!

Vacation did have some ups and downs but reaching out to my accountability partner was a huge help!

Got 20 days left to 90!

Hi, do you mind sharing the pdf?