Fell after 74 days.


I was Resentful and Tired.


Two simultaneously out of the four key HALT triggers -



Hungry

Angry (Resentful)

Loney

Tired



The scary things are:



1.) I did not even try to stop myself from falling.



2.) And I was resentful against Hashem for something that did not go "my way".



I feel ashamed.



I have to now be humble and thankful for what Hashem has given me and know that the thing I wanted was not meant for me, for reasons I cannot understand and am not meant to know.



I have a lot of Teshuva to do.

How are you holding up?

It's amazes me what I could do to myself! I never realized to what extent I am actually my greatest enemy. I am constantly out to mess up my life in one way or another. 

Today, yet again, lust caused me to miss an opportunity that was not to be missed. I don't want it, I don't need it, and I keep on doing it. It's not that I fell really bad or anything, it's just that it takes up so much of my time and brain space that there is no room for things that are really important to me.

In working on certain things with my therapist, he told me that it's okay to sometimes make mistakes. I asked him, so it's okay to masturbate sometimes (by mistake)? He said no, it's not okay, but it's to make mistakes even when it's not okay. I took this as "don't stress" about it, so I didn't. Pretty soon, more and more things became okay until everything was okay besides outright porn and masturbation. 

Now I realized that it's really not okay what I am doing, I really need to nip it in the bud. I need to starve the monster and instead I am feeding it. If I fight it when it's still small, then I may stand a chance. 

I think I understand what he meant. It's not okay to masturbate, but it's okay to make mistakes sometimes as long as we are not complacent. It's not okay to be complacent. I was. 

Another thing is the fake friend component. Whenever I feel lonely, not taken care of, or not worthy, I can turn to my trusted and safe friend to make me feel loved and wanted. The problem is that she always makes matters worse because she causes me to isolate and prevents me from building real relationships. I need to build real relationships and keep up old ones.

One more thing and this is a little off topic, going through therapy has helped me a ton but has also caused me to focus a lot on myself and my needs. I found that Hashem kinda got lost in my search for myself, Anyone else have that? These days, my avodas Hashem pretty much consists of how it will make me feel more productive or what will I gain from it. (Better than it used to be; do it so that G-D doesn't smite you)

I think I used to be able to feel love by being grateful, haven't felt that in a while, I wonder if I am maybe becoming too self centered and need to find some middle ground. (Yes I will ask my therapist)

Just sharing some thoughts.


Oh, and thank G-d for filters!

   

Well done on staying clean

Take each day by day.
If you feel stressed or down then go for a walk or log into here.

yiraishamaim wrote on 17 Oct 2021 21:40:

we should try to learn from yiraishamaim how to be a true yirai shamaim 
keep it up!

Hey your awesome, I’m sorry for the deep pain your in  I hope it works out for you soon and you heal very quickly Iyh! Many of us relate to you and know what it feels like! Your going through alot.. be kind to yourself and Hashem measures according to the hardship and pain.. You can get through this! Hey, look what you’ve gotten through until now.. your almost at the finish line I’m sure you- (the powerful strong you that held out through so much already) can get through the rest! Rooting for you! Hatzlacha. 

Wow your an inspiration! Keep it up! 

taherlibeinu wrote on 18 Oct 2021 16:02:

The Yetzer Hara replies:
Yes! I am after you... But I will tell you a secret. We both have the same goal, to do the will of Hashem. When you listen to me and go against Hashem's will, we both failed. 

One of the greatest gifts Hashem gave you in life is your Yetzer Hara. The Midrash teaches us, :”וַיַּרְא אֱלֹקים אֶת כָּל אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה וְהִנֵּה טוֹב מְאֹד”- And Hashem saw all that He made, and it was very good. ‘וְהִנֵּה טוֹב’- זה ‘היצר הטוב’. ‘וְהִנֵּה טוֹב מְאֹד’- זה ‘היצר הרע It was good– refers to the Yetzer Hatov. And it was very good– this is the Yetzer Hara (Bresh*t Rabbah).  

The Vilna Gaon explains that one cannot change one’s mazal, one’s negative nature, one’s Yetzer Hara. That would be going against one’s grain. The only choice one has is what one does with that nature. 

Our strengths and weaknesses are like a seesaw, “package deals”, that you can’t have one without the other. Torah is the solution to that balance. G-d does not want us to uproot the seesaw, to throw out the whole package because there are some parts that we don’t like. אל תהי בז לכל אדם ואל תהי מפליג לכל דבר שאין לך אדם שאין לו שעה ואין לך דבר שאין לו מקום.  Do not hold any person in contempt, and do not consider anything worthless. For there is no person who does not have his hour. And there is no thing that does not have its place (Avot 4;3). If not for the Yetzer Hara, people would not get married, have children, build homes, businesses, etc. (See Yoma 69b; Midrash Tehillim 37a).

Day 48.. one day at a time.. each day is a special milestone to celebrate.. if i can make it to tomorrow night it will be my own special Pesach to Shavuos!!

Yetzer Hara - I know are after me. You know me better then i know myself.. this is a battle for the long run. There is one thing i have that you don't.. I have a Father in heaven who is my mascot.. who is shouting my name from the sidelines.. who is fighting in my corner.. He is with me every step of the way and I know with His help I have chance. Yes we might visit the depths together every now and then but I am determined to free myself from you. 

Hashem please help me keep strong..

back to work now.. 

anonymousmillenial wrote on 18 Oct 2021 12:57:

We're all applauding your amazing goal and commitment.
We also hope that you celebrate each clean day and actually each time you have an urge and you stay strong. 
Looking forward to see you reaching your goals and eventually achieving full sobriety for the help of Hashem. 

Things are potentially looking a little more promising.
We’ll see what happens.

Take care,

YeshivaGuy

Hey guys, 

I've come B"H quite a way from where I started but I have a way to go.
I still fall quite regularly with masturbation.
I thought that maybe making a goal of something doable and realistic would be the way to go for me.
The goal: 5 days no masturbation
Extra commitment: post here daily from today until the end of the 5th day (it can be something short).

I'm currently on day 2

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 18 Oct 2021 11:33:

Mazel tov for reaching day #35 
wishing you that you should reach Year #35 
מתוך נחת והרחבת הדעת

If you don't mind allow me to share what I have tried lately,. All the expressions in Tehilim about the enemies I have in mind the ultimate enemy of man which is the Yetzer Hara, so in honor of day #35 let's have a look into chapter 35 in Tehilim

(translating from ArtScroll)
Dovid is asking Hashem. Fight O'Hashem my adversaries, battle those who do battle with me. 
May they be ashamed and humiliated  those who seek my life.
O Lord, how long will you look on? Rescue my soul from their destruction, from the young lions my essence. 

comment's and suggestions are welcomed

Day #35.

Rebuild613 wrote on 18 Oct 2021 10:17:

If you ask me it's not a bad idea to stay in touch with people whose inside is the same as yours, even for the people who get better "for good."

Plus, if you stay in touch you can help others, and that action is irreplaceable. As they say in medicine: see one, do one, teach one.