Hello, fellow Guard Your Eyes members,

I'm not going to reveal my name, but I'm 23 years old and tired of the life that I've lived. Every day I'm saddened at where I am in life and where I potentially can be. Most of my existence (starting in 6th grade) I've been addicted to pornography and recently I've been obsessed with asking girls inappropriate things over chat. I've realized that I want to marry a girl that is looking at connecting with Hashem (our creator) and someone that has had there struggles in life. Well, I'm using this website to help me get out of my addiction and enjoy my life devoted to Hashem. Now, I was wondering if there's anyone that can help me with my addiction and set me free of porn. 
Thank you for whoever is reading this post. B'ezrat Hashem I will remove these inclinations before I study at Yeshiva. 

There was an article printed in the Yated Ne’eman by Rabbi Baruch Rabinowitz who put our current situation into perspective, imagining what his father-in-law, a Holocaust survivor, would say about it. And this is what it says, “You are restricted where to go and how many people can congregate, but you could stay at home and be in your own bed? You mean, you don’t have to stay in a bunker? No ghetto? No sleeping with animals in a barn? You could go to sleep at night and expect to find yourself and your family in the same place in the morning? You have enough food in your home to survive for a few weeks? No rationing of a few grains of barley per person per day? You have fresh water to drink and you don’t need to limit it? You don’t have to boil it first? You can go to the bathroom and you don’t need to use a pail in a corner with other people around? You can go outside to get food and they’ll be food available? You can go outside to get food and you won’t be shot dead if discovered? You can take a shower? With soap? With warm water too? You have a tallit and tefillin? You can pray as long and as loud as you want and not be afraid of being discovered? You could gather on your own porches and sing Kabbalat Shabbat and let it fill the whole street? You could have a Shabbat seuda with real chicken soup, not a little salt in water and leave the rest to the imagination? Real fish? Fresh Challah, soft and chewy? Not hard and moldy? White and not coarse black? You can get more than one slice of bread a day? You don’t have to hide it from other people? You could think about making plans for the next month or even the next year and have a reasonable chance of keeping those plans? Heat? You can feel your fingers and toes when you wake up? You have air conditioning? You don’t feel suffocated by the heat and stench? You have shoes without holes? More than one pair? Really? You have sefarim to learn from? Any sefer that you want? You have access to shiurim by phone or by computer? You have a way to keep in touch with the outside world and at least know there is an outside world? You could actually know what’s happening out there? You could be in touch with family and see how they’re doing? You never think that maybe you’re the last one alive? If you need medicine you could actually get it? You’re planning to make a Seder with real wine and real matzah? Shemura? You have a choice of where to get it from, regular or whole wheat? Spelt, oat? You have enough kezatot for whatever shiur you desire, for each person? You have maror, regular or pre-checked, enough for each? You have chicken and meat too? Fresh vegetables? No moldy potatoes? Potato peels with something inside? Wine, dry, semi-sweet? Four cups for each person? Large cups? Grape juice too? Mevushal, not mevushal? Choice of wines by region and country?”

Yes, we have a lot, although it might seem otherwise. Let us think about all the blessings that we have, appreciate what Hashem has done for us in the past and appreciate what He does for us now. Let us make this Seder the best ever. For some it’s going to be extremely difficult, missing their loved ones who were accustomed to running the Seder. What looks like a time of tachtonim will one day be seen hafuch, that it was a really a time of elyonim. Let us strengthen ourselves and make this a great Seder, a great Pesach and reach great heights. Amen.

Chag kasher v’same’ach

farblunjet wrote on 08 Apr 2020 03:09:

My signature should be a good guide for you...
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
wishing you all the best!

Man, can I relate. Unfortunately, I am way past my 20's, still never got married (I was the type that could have married his first girl, but my "Mazel" in dating was always challenged, and it has never been easy, and am still single many years later). It is a life challenge. Even after you marry, you will still see people that are attractive and catch your attention. This is a life fight - a fight for your life. 
People like us imagine the greener pastures of being on the other side; the truth is that the only problem solved by marriage is bachelorhood. Aside from your issues, your wife is not your hand; she is a person. That is why these porn-related items are so detrimental to our minds. We lose the humanity that needs to be there for healthy, mature relationships. 
I have no answers, who can say they do? I pray for you, for me and all the singles and all the marrieds to find true Shalom Bayit. 

problem with me is that i'm an introverted extrovert. I cannot function in isolation, but i get anxious with people as well. Between a rock and a hard place. Go figure...

Sometimes that's a struggle for me as well...

From your own experience, when (if ever) do you feel like doing stuff? 

yes i need friends/people in my life. don't have that now. never did. i got mental issues that make it very hard to start/maintain relationships.

trua dat. but how do i get interested in doing, and not only posting?

farblunjet wrote on 07 Apr 2020 23:51:

You have the interest to post and ask a question. Hmm 

how do i get interested in doing things? 

Hi Notek,

You asked why married men would want to watch others do it when they can do the real thing. I think trying613 has a couple things right: sexual needs and desires are different, and tiavah comes from H' -- it's something inherent to people. It may seem obvious, but surprise, surprise, your wife isn't going to want to have sex every moment that you do. And, surprise, surprise, that "urge" isn't necessarily going to go away just because you're having sex a couple times a week (hopefully). And (last surprise) you'll still have that urge in moments when you're not able to be with your wife: traveling, niddah, heck--being at work.

I hope I'm not coming across as preachy--these are my experiences I'm talking about.

I also couldn't stand the pain of that urge; the sensation of feeling like I needed release. I'm just talking about the physical sensation here--not the mental urge/need/desire. What has worked for me is giving that urge some attention. Focusing on it and really feeling what kind of sensation it is, or how it compares to other physical sensations. Sitting and paying attention to how bad it is compared to other types of pain. Does it feel like a needle in the arm? Hitting your funny bone? For me, I realized that it was roughly comparable to a day-old bruise. Like getting hit hard by a baseball on your thigh. A bad bruise, certainly sore, but still just a bruise. 

Man. Just a bruise? It felt so much more intense than a bruise, I had a hard time believing myself. But by actually sitting still, and paying attention to that sensation for a good 5 or 10 or 15 minutes, I started have perspective on the urge/pain. That means that nowadays I can have that urge, that sensation--I have it right now--and be aware of it, and remind myself that it is just a "bruise," it's just sore; I can handle it.

It took some time to get there, and I'm only just starting my shmiras eineyem journey seriously now, but you can do this too.

Lastly, why is it so bad? Our urges--since the physical part, once in perspective, is managable--why are they so bad? Well, I think that's the hard part. The mental/psychological/spritual aspects of urge are the harder things to conquor. But that's another conversation. Sorry this ran on so long. B'Hatzlacha & a chag kosher v'sameach. 

Wow, I identify with this post so much! I too grew up with a majority of my time spent in front of a screen and now have a much stronger Torah Value!

It is so important that you realize that need for a ''kosher'' outlet in your life right now in a healthy way. Lakol zman v'es. However, the same way that right now this may be what Hashem wants from you, it still may be possible that after you are stronger in this area, Hashem was want to you to redevote yourself to spending more Torah time over entertainment time.  I am sure other people may disagree, but I am only saying this to you because you mentioned having been in such a place in the past. I am just suggesting that life isn't so black and white that when you were in yeshiva or kollel you didn't do something and now you are out so you can. There are times when we are focusing on other areas of avodas Hashem that limit the amount of time we have to devote to learning Torah, but then it may come back around to refocusing on devoting more time to learning, or other areas of avodas Hashem.

Either way, congrats on day 70!!! Keep up the amazing work!!

It's so good to hear that the smart recovery program helped you...
Keep it up!

Rav Dessler (Chelek 1, page 42)brings a Gemara which tells of a man hiding in the walls of the house of a woman with whom he was having an affair. The husband came home and was about to drink water that this man knew was poisoned. At the point, the man jumped out and rescued the husband.

Abayei says: It is certain that the man did not commit adultery with this woman; otherwise, he would have wanted the husband dead.

The Gemora asks: Isn't this obvious?

The Gemora answers: I might have thought that he preferred the husband alive in order to enjoy the woman as mayim genuvim; km"l not so.

Tosafos asks: Maybe that is the case?
Tosafos answers: An adulterer is unaware of the concept of mayim genuvim yumtaku.

Explains Rav Dessler: The vast majority of lust is the desire to have that which is not ours. We tell ourselves, "If only I had it, I would be happy." Once we do have it, it is now under our belt and part of us and therefore not special anymore. If we truly understood this, we would not run after lust.

Hi,

I hope everyone is doing well during these times. BH I am clean as of signing up! The SMART method helped me alot and just knowing I can check in on GYE when I felt a little down is super helpful as well.
The thing that I am finding tobe difficult is the replacement for "stolen waters". Even if my wife and I are in a great place I sometime just have that feeling of- i wish I can have some stolen waters right now. How do I approach that?

We are a few days away from the holiday of Pesach, the holiday of emunah. A holiday where we are going to appreciate how much Hashem does for us. Some people have enormous challenges that they are currently experiencing. Some have lost relatives, some are ill, some are struggling to stay afloat financially and some are experiencing all of the above. If they can take chizuk from David HaMelech who had the most difficult life, who said about himself “כל משבריך וגליך עלי עברו”– any tragedy that anyone in history will go through, he had already experienced. Instead of getting down, he sang mizmoreh Tehillim with joy to Hashem and he became the great David HaMelech as a result. He became the fourth leg of Hashem’s Divine Chariot.


The harder a person’s challenge is, the greater he will become if he’s able to accept it with emunah. We hope very soon the Mashiach will be here and we will be present at that grand seudah for the Tzaddikim where Hashem will explain how everything was for the best, including what we are going through now. But if we could believe it before it’s revealed, that will make us the great people that we are capable of becoming.