Emes-a-Yid wrote on 27 Mar 2023 13:20:

Thanks.
Get back up? I’m up bh, still clean despite the terrible whirlwinds of betrayal, manipulation, and disrespect.

Yosef Hamevakesh wrote on 28 Mar 2023 04:33:

Hey welcome back, I like your writing/ typing of your thoughts on this matter, I have done similar things like this in the past, it “airs” you out and helps you breath all those feelings and thoughts and eventually try and aim a direction somehow somewhere.

Anyways, as you said there are a lot of people could be way worse, and yet still surpass “this seemingly impossible road”. How? Each with his own ideas. It can happen, it is possible to change. It may be extremely hard but can very well be doable. 

what some “veterans” say may help and some may not.. You can try some mehalechim.. every now and then. Keep at it bhatzlacha!!

Zedj wrote on 28 Mar 2023 04:18:

I’m holding exactly as what he said.. Bhatzlacha you got to keep at it with gishmak, and soon bzh you will get there 

Slowly trying to shift away from yt, Did a week straight then break for a day or so, then another week right now about to be done, 2days down 5to go!

Thanx to all those who reached out to me in emails and pm for support.

I haven't posted in a few weeks cuz I didn't really know what to write, but I decided to just post now anyway.
I've been having a lot of falls recently. As per the advice of Reb HHM (and others who I've spoken to), I'm trying to focus right now more on making sure to not watch porn (which I haven't been doing too well), and to not obsess over falling with masturbating.

I have honestly no clue how I'll ever be able to stop masturbating, but I'm trusting those who have gone through it that the right thing for me to do right now is to let go of the struggle and to not think at all about falling. Until now, I let my successes and failures in keeping clean decide if I will be happy or sad, and whether I will feel accomplished or not. I never let myself put any real energy into working on any other aspect of my life (especially in my avodas Hashem). The only thing that mattered to me was to not masturbate, and when I was successful in that, I would allow myself to be happy and experience life and do something with my life; but when I wasn't successful in keeping clean, I felt like a failure, and I wouldn't have any energy left to put into living life and accomplishing anything in real life. Therefore, what I'm trying to do now (although not in an obsessive way...) is to keep in mind that even though I feel like I can not and never will be able to stop masturbating, there is still a life for me to live. Even if I'm a complete failure in this aspect of my life (I don't actually think that I am a failure, but the fact that I can't break free sometimes makes me feel pretty hopeless), I can still go out and accomplish something with my life. I need to stop letting masturbation take over and be the sole focus of my life, because if I don't, I'm not really living, I'm just dragging myself around waiting for something that'll never happen on it's own to happen, before I let myself start living.

For the past bunch of years I've been masturbating and putting all my energy into trying to stop, and it's a very hard thing to finally, just let go of the struggle which, for years has literally been my whole life. I think that I've been getting better at this, but I still have a long way to go. I really don't know how I can just give up thinking about something which was all I thought about for many years. I guess what I gotta do is just trust those who walked this path before me and follow the advice that helped them to break free.

I had some pretty long stretches of time where I was able to keep my thoughts clean, and I had a positive mindset when I fell (you can look back at some of my earlier posts to see when), but for some reason, now, I'm falling more than ever, and I don't have any clue of a strategy that I can work on that'll help me stay clean in the future, and all the positivity that I had in the past, is just gone.
The fact that even after the times that I did so well, I could be doing so hopeless now, and seem to have forgotten all the ideas that I worked on in the past, kind of makes it pretty clear that I have no control over stopping and it's really a hopeless battle for me to continue fighting. I know that it's not actually hopeless and that many guys who were doing much much worse than me were able to break free, but this is just how I feel, and I do think that there is some truth to the fact that I won't actually stop if I continue doing what I'm doing. Whatever I have been doing until now is clearly not working, and I guess that this is why I gotta just trust the veterans when they tell me what I need to work on. It's hard to accept but I'm trying, and hopefully, with Hashems help I'll be Matzliach, and be a step closer to breaking free.

1084 wrote on 24 Mar 2023 04:00:

I'm in shidduchim aswell.
My experience has been frustrating for reasons that i wont mention here.

I don't know the right answer...I'm sure you will read the previous responses as they will be a lot more helpful than my post....

Just wanted say that your not alone and Bez"h before you know it, you will be under your chuppa. 
All the best!

Turning in for the night. No falls to report. 

@1084

Be easy on yourself.

Being in Shiduchim is hard.

It can bring highs and lows.

The hope that the next introduction is "The one", the low after you realise they are not.

Or sometimes, that can be relief too.

I recently thought I had met "The one".
But she was not keen on me, so nothing happened.

It has made me wobble and stumble and I feel low and crave intimacy and physical pleasure.

I just have to accept that there are reasons she was not for me, and that I cannot see those reasons right now.  Perhaps I never will.

Perhaps her rejecting me is a test in itself?

But I have to believe that Gam Zu L' Tova.

Thanks.

I had another stumble.

Two in four days

Was even closer to falling than the first.

But just avoided it.

To be expected, the Yetzer Hara usually lets you think you have won a battle, then attacks again.

As with the firs time I knew dee down that I didn't want what it was offering.

That is was a false high, a fleeting high that then leads to feeling bad about one's self.

I guess I was saved by mindfulness, in an extreme form.

chancy wrote on 27 Mar 2023 15:39:

Chancy, you are a very observant yid  

I'm very curious to know which sentence it was that got you so excited….

I went to therapy when I was younger which really helped me gain a stronger sense of identity and taught me to reflect from a young age. I do also take a daily medication for ADHD. 

I am currently in very constant contact with HHM who is seemingly unendingly patient and also knows when to knock my teeth out when necessary. 

jusy to be clear - I do not feel like I am constantly slipping out of control, rather expressing some raw emotions. As HHM expressed it, it’s like when a person is becoming BT, he won’t talk during davening. Once he’s in maintenance mode and the changes are more slow and long term, not talking during davening becomes a challenge. 

I feel like I passed the initial “Teshuva infatuation” stage and am now pushing through the daily grind of becoming a more sincere and consistent Jew. 

but the crazy feelings are still sometimes there. I’m learning to deal with them and over time to handle my stressors without sexualizing or numbing them. 

just learning to face my life like a big boy.

Day 29! Today was a very stressful day that a month ago would almost have certainly driven me to P&M as an escape and distraction. There were definitely some urges but nothing that I wasn't able to overcome with a little bit of effort.

Special shout out to Emes-a-yid for keeping the pressure on not to fall more than 5 days behind him! 

Good luck, buddy!
I for one will say a kapitel Tehillim and learn a bit as a zechus for you to succeed in holding your desires at bay.

You got this!
OivedElokim

Day #1.

Posting here for accountability. Not sure how long I'll be up tonight, but I do have a lot of work that involves sitting in front of a screen. Will update before turning off my computer for the night that I didn't fall. Praying to Hashem for success.

Why aren't we allowed to work on Chol Hamoed Peisech

What do you mean.. small portion of my overall success.. what's your message not entirely sure.

You had an almost 3 month streak then a one-day break followed by another 33 day streak. That is a 99%+ success rate over the last 4 months which you don't have to like math to know is AWESOME! Can you imagine how impressed you would be if someone told you that they had a 99%+ success rate at shmiras haloshon over a 4 month period?