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Recent Posts
  • Snowflake
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Thanks for the feedback David.
You're right, you need both the filter and the environment.
I'm indeed a little bit concerned if my filter is easily bypassable. Should I investigate the concern further? I fear learning how to bypass it and actually go for it. Although perhaps it's better try it now, that I'm sober, and willing to put up another fence, then risking staying with an easy filter. Right now I'm using qustodio, for free. And I have the password. Although I fear that if I give it to my wife she might just ask why. She knows half the story about my struggle. She knows about the M, not the P. Perhaps I will just give the password to my brother. He knows of my struggle.

Day #11
Erev Shabbos, so much to do, little time to think about unkosher stuff, which is great. B"H clean so far. I slipped a bit these days, looking at some innapropriate TV shows. B"H nothing explicit, but definetely not kosher.
My main triggers are really my emotions. In my childhood I've learned to supress them. But now I can't anymore. When I'm sad, I'm sad, when I'm angry, I'm angry. Problem is I'm more of a silent sufferer kind. I don't communicate my feelings. That makes me prone to acting out, as a relief. I'm going through some very personal stuff right now which now and then triggers those feelings. I try and reassure myself, acting out will only make my personal problems worse. And indeed, in these 11 days of not acting out, my life has definetely improved. More sleep, less depressive, etc etc.I was so anxious about my personal problems, that I was somatizing some feelings. I'd scratch and itch my hands until they were scarred. I couldn't sleep or eat properly. I was acting out on a daily basis. It's amazing how removing the acting out part of the routine, suddenly eliminated all these horrible symptoms. Sure enough, my problems are still there, and I try to find healthier outlets, like sports and other fun activities. I think not acting out is also allowing to look at my personal problems from a sober perspective, which leads to better judgement.
Have a great Shabbos everyone!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
Last Edit: 21 Feb 2020 15:08 by Snowflake.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Gevura Shebyesod, DavidT, sleepy

Re: The Last Fight 21 Feb 2020 02:12 #347475

  • ybsys
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welcome back good luck i love your user name:blush:

Re: my loving wife 21 Feb 2020 02:01 #347474

  • ybsys
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dear i love myself                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        you are realy bringing out strong points its will realy help me  this point  (i am sure its not easy to be involved with having a husband with this struggle) is wonderful this i didn't think before                                                                                                                                                                                                      thank you good luck

Re: from zero to 90 21 Feb 2020 01:49 #347473

  • Hakolhevel
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Recently I was listening to a podcast on recovery. The presenter asked pointed out, he asks people, on a scale of one to ten, how desperate are you to come clean, he says, he only takes clients who say 11 or higher. His point was, if you really want to be clean, you will do whatever it takes, the question is how much do you want it.

P.s webcvaver recently came out with screen accountability, that means, no matter what app you are in, of you view something inappropriate, your chaver will know.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

Re: My Clean Days Log 21 Feb 2020 00:52 #347471

Thank you Brother Fightingaddictionnow for the replies and thank you all for the "Thank You"s.

Day #26

היום לעשותם ולא למחר לעשותם היום לעשותם ולא היום ליטול שכר (עבודה זרה ג.)

Today [is the time] to perform them, [the time] to perform them is not tomorrow. Today [is the time] to perform them and today is not [the time] to take reward. (Avodoh Zoroh 3a)

This statement is quoted in the first chapter of Mesilas Yeshorim along with other similar statements. Statements that charge us to optimize our performance of mitzvos in this world because this is our only chance and then we will take our reward in the world-to-come.

Through my struggling with issues of guarding my eyes whether it is lustfully gazing at women or pornography and masturbation, I have somehow internalized [spiritually and emotionally] that the barometer for my success in this world has solely to do with how I am doing in these areas. This morning when I got off the train, I thought about this concept "today is the time to perform them" as a way of helping me not gaze at the women. Now, that is a great thing in and of itself, don't get me wrong. Anything that helps to not objectify women and violate Torah law is great.

However, I thought about how I never think about those statements when I do all of the other mitzvah activities. It's as if, ShabbosKashrusTefillin, relationship with Hashem, compassion to family, friends, neighbors and strangers, etc. are not a fulfillment of me accomplishing today to get the reward in the next world.

I am claiming tonight (and any of the readers who relate are invited to as well) a broader experience. My spiritual and religious success is not solely determined by these kedusha areas. And saying so does not take away from the severity of the infractions one iota. It is just an honest balance.

Thank you all for reading and Hashem should bentsch us all to optimize our lives and fulfill our potentials.
Last Edit: 21 Feb 2020 01:28 by שבע יפול צדיק וקם.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Fightingaddictionnow

Re: from zero to 90 21 Feb 2020 00:29 #347470

Hashem Help Me wrote on 20 Feb 2020 21:44:
If for a while you have to give up Twitter to save your life, do it buddy.

Amen.

I would say if you have to give up Twitter indefintely to save your life, do it buddy. Get filters for your devices. Denying myself access to masturbatory materials was a game-changer for me.
Last Edit: 21 Feb 2020 00:29 by שבע יפול צדיק וקם.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Hakolhevel

Re: my loving wife 20 Feb 2020 21:46 #347467

  • i love myself
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Dear ybsys,

First of all i have to acknowledge you,  for taking the courage and share your struggles with your wife...
Just the fact that you were OK to share it with her already earned a tremendous amount of trust and love towards you. this showed her how important she is to you and that she is your go to the person when you need to share something private.

Now regarding your question, i would say that the best thing to do that can make her feel more confident and less scared about you is:

1) whenever the topic comes up or whenever you see she feels scared... just tell her.... i totally understand that you are concerned... i am sure its not easy to be involved with having a husband with this struggle and i really appreciate the fact that you care and you are concerned about me... i couldn't have wished for a more supporting wife... thank you so much... etc.  

2) after you acknowledged the way she feels about it.. just try to tell her that this is not WHO YOU ARE its just a bad place WHERE YOU FELL INTO but you are truly a pure loving person...

Hope this helps,
Best of luck,
The following user(s) said Thank You: DavidT

Re: from zero to 90 20 Feb 2020 21:44 #347466

  • Hashem Help Me
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If for a while you have to give up Twitter to save your life, do it buddy.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
The following user(s) said Thank You: Hakolhevel, שבע יפול צדיק וקם

Re: my loving wife 20 Feb 2020 21:20 #347463

  • DavidT
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ybsys wrote on 20 Feb 2020 20:57:
i tell for my wife the whole situation 3 weeks ago b"h she is supporting me very much i feel that i do %100 the right think for telling were because only this way i am holding by 14 days but my wife is very scared that i will not make it                                                                                                                                i would like to hear from other people were how i could build my wife to be much stronger that i will get out thank you

Dear ybsys
We are working together for a few weeks and I can tell you that it is very rare to see a person that is so committed to recovery like you. 

The best way to make your wife confident is to be open and she will see how you're growing and becoming better and stronger which will make your relationship much better too.

​You are definitely going on the right track and you will be clean and fully recovered very soon with Hashem's Help.
Keep is all posted on your good progress. 
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
The following user(s) said Thank You: ybsys

my loving wife 20 Feb 2020 20:57 #347462

  • ybsys
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i tell for my wife the whole situation 3 weeks ago b"h she is supporting me very much i feel that i do %100 the right think for telling were because only this way i am holding by 14 days but my wife is very scared that i will not make it                                                                                                                                i would like to hear from other people were how i could build my wife to be much stronger that i will get out thank you
Last Edit: 20 Feb 2020 21:13 by ybsys.

Re: fall 20 Feb 2020 20:16 #347460

  • DavidT
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Ely wrote on 17 Feb 2020 13:46:
hard to write, was on wall o.h. over 250 days clean; now zero
shattering that couldn't say no
fell previously in shovavim 
yh'r strong then?

Hi Ely
First of all it's good for you to know that you are not alone and we are all feeling along with you in your difficult challenging situation.

I wanted to share with you how the SMART program deals with falls which they call "Relapse".
-----------------------------------------------
Along the way to permanent cessation or stable reduction of a bad habit, most people experience relapse.

In fact, it is much more common to have at least one relapse than not. Relapse is often accompanied by feelings of discouragement and seeing oneself as a failure. While relapse can be discouraging, the majority of people who successfully quit do not follow a straight path to a lifetime free of self-destructive bad habits. Rather, they cycle through the five stages several times before achieving a stable life style change.

Consequently, the Stages of Change Model considers relapse normal.
There is a real risk that people who relapse will experience an immediate sense of failure that can seriously undermine their self-confidence. The important thing is that if they do slip and see themselves as having failed. Rather, they should analyze how the slip happened and use it as an opportunity to learn how to cope differently.
In fact, relapses can be important opportunities for learning and becoming stronger.
Relapsing is like falling off a horse- the best thing someone can do is get right back on again. However, if they do “fall off the horse” and relapse, it is important to not fall back to the pre-contemplation or contemplation stages. Rather, restart the process again at preparation, action or even the maintenance stages. People who have relapsed may need to learn to anticipate high-risk situations (such as being with their family) more effectively, control environmental cues that tempt them to engage in their bad habits (such as being around drinking buddies), and learn how to handle unexpected episodes of stress without returning to the bad habit. This gives them a stronger sense of self-control and the ability to get back on track.

Think of relapse as a stepping stone. Instead of viewing your slip as a step backward, think of it as a progression on your road to recovery. Many people lapse or relapse, and if you think of each attempt at sobriety as a means of getting closer to your end goal — a lesson in your cumulative recovery learning, so to speak — this setback won’t be in vain.

Look on the bright side. A slip may feel like the end of the world, but really, it’s an opportunity for growth and reinforcing basic life skills that need more work. Many people emerge from relapse with a fresh scare regarding what they are up against, as well as a deeper commitment to becoming sober. This renewed motivation can help you come back from a relapse even stronger than you were before.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 20 Feb 2020 20:17 by DavidT.
The following user(s) said Thank You: ybsys

Re: fall 20 Feb 2020 16:15 #347456

  • Mark18
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Ely wrote on 17 Feb 2020 13:46:
hard to write, was on wall o.h. over 250 days clean; now zero
shattering that couldn't say no
fell previously in shovavim 
yh'r strong then?

Our dear brother ely we have all fallen even after a significant time of being clean. I have posted this before but it bears repeating. The possuk says Sheva yipol tzadik v'kom - a tzadik falls seven times and falls and gets up again again and again. Rav tzadok asks why is the guy called a tzadik after he falls-atr you a tzadik after you fall? Rav tzadok answers yes because he knows he will get up again and again. So Tzadik, pick yourself up go to the mikvah or take a good shower speak to Hashem your father about what happened say tikun haklali in hebrew and in english so that it gets into your heart and soul and then pick yourself up and totally forget that this ever happened and move on. Keep strong our dear brother!
The following user(s) said Thank You: Snowflake, iwillnevergiveup

Re: from zero to 90 20 Feb 2020 16:05 #347455

  • drust
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Every time I read the posts that have been written related to this topic I tell myself: "look boy! they are talking to you.... these people want to save you from the hell.. these people want to release your soul from sin... and you.... you are wasting your whole time in a day..."
But after a while I forget these thoughts.... I imagine some prnstars in my head and my hand goes to twitter involuntarily and search some prnstars names and search and search and start my fall...
one week ago I deleted twitter app from my phone. but today I checked my twitter in my laptop and my bad thoughts attacked me again. I couldn't fight them and I lost again.
​I can't delete my twitter account because I want to practice writing, want to finding good friends, want to communicate with the people around the world ....
so....
can someone tell me how can I run away from the thoughts which are ruining my whole life?
Thank you All....

Re: fall 20 Feb 2020 15:42 #347454

  • Snowflake
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Hey Ely,

Haha halevai to be a Rav, I don't have smicha, but thanks!
Don't worry about the age too. I've been here for a while and have seen people from all ages and backgrounds. I myself am not so young anymore too. Unfortunately or fortunately ours is a chronic struggle. In fact, GYE has taught me to see it as fortunately. We are "zoche" to have this struggle. If Ribono shel Olam gave us this task, it's because he chose us. Perhaps others wouldn't make it. They'd be forever trapped in it. Think about it. It may be even our mission down here. Think too about how happy He is that we're trying our best and actually suceeding. Look at you, 250 days+ is no small feat.
Again, think not about the numbers, but do think about what led you to the fall, how can you improve, etc. And most of all, keep coming here. The chizuk, tips and motivation is invaluable.
Finally, depression is just a trick of the YH. All it does is lead us to more falls. It's eitzas a YH that you should be depressed if you fall. There's zero gain on it. If C"V you fall, just pick yourself up like nothing happened, and try again with redoubled effort.
We are here for you.
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו
The following user(s) said Thank You: Dave M, sleepy
Hi snowflake! Thanks for the post. Glad to find a friend who relates to my story!
In terms of old advice, some has been helpful and some less so simply because of my current lifestyle compared to back then. But some of the helpful ones include:
• Doing your best never to touch yourself at all - even when relieving yourself etc. It helps.
• Staying busy - I know I find myself straying when I've got nothing else to do, so making sure I'm not in a situation where I'll be free to fall is a really helpful 'fence' for me.
• Talking to Hashem - He knows our struggle better than anyone, and the more you talk to him the easier I find it. This applies to my work, learning, relationships and so on too.

In other news, I've reached 50 days clean! So excited and thankful to Hashem. 
The following user(s) said Thank You: Snowflake, שבע יפול צדיק וקם
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