First of all, congrats on posting. It's a huge step, and welcome to GYE.

Secondly, the fact that you have held off on having a physical relationship for 15 years is truly inspirational, and your attitude of "I've done it this long, I can do it longer" is amazing. (BTW, Jordan Peterson is absolutely terrific.)

I cannot tell you how much I relate to your post. I'm a 20 year old bochur in the States, and have been struggling with porn for 3 years. My story is here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/366231-I-want-a-girl-so-badly />

Again, welcome to GYE, Hatzlacha with the fight, and may Hashem bentch you with finding your bashert soon!

Hi! Welcome

I don't have much to say at the moment, I just wanted to welcome you here. 
It's a great place to hang around. Please stick around and keep us updated. 

Look around at other threads and see what might work for you. There is a lot here. 

I wish you lots of luck!
HappyYid

Hi,

I joined several years ago but I never got to this point. 

I am 26 years old and I have struggled with shmiras einayim since I was a boy of 11. But only recently have I gotten to a point where I do believe I understand myself. 

I used to think the yetzer harah was a living thing, something separate from myself which inhabited me and made me watch what I did. To be fair this is how they teach you at a young age. I always thought there was something twisted and wrong with me. 

I then went to yeshiva in israel and I thought this time I would beat it. But I didn't, and the guilt consumed me. Eventually I spoke with a rebbe who gave me some clarity and changed my perspective a little. He gave me enough tools to start really thinking about. Once I left yeshiva I had a moment of clarity, the yetzer harah is not a thing, it is me. It is my physical essence, it does not have conscious thought, it has only physical need.

But despite thus clarity I began to hate that physical part of myself. I thought it evil and disgusting. I had moments of success and then moments of failures but the deep misery was mostly abated.

Fast forward to 2020 a beautiful woman joined my work place, not religious but Jewish. She had some struggles and I helped her, I knew she wasn't for me but I still wanted to help her. Maybe for some selfish reason, maybe I was genuine. The result was I helped her and she has had some successes. We became friends. 

We had a lot of conversations, she hated religion for various personal reasons which after hearing I couldn't really blame her. Our conversations were enjoyable and actually changed my perspective a little. But as time wore on I began to develop deep feelings for her, sexual and emotional. In a way she had the same for me. But all I could think was I loved Judaism, God and my mother. The disrespect i would show all three by having a relationship with this woman would be tragic. So I kept my distance but we had a conversation about my feelings and hers. We both knew it shouldn't happen. Thankfully I have strong feelings against hook up culture which means I didn't ever want to just hook up. I wanted a relationship. I have a reason for mentioning this but I will digress first.

I began to watch a lot of lectures from someone I believe to be a righteous non Jew called Jordan Peterson. He spoke about Carl Jung and his theories of the shadow self, the self we repress. In 2021 I had a massive break through, I let my thoughts wonder and wrote out my feelings of guilt, anger and disgust (my shadow self) and found under all of it there was a simple need which I was repressing. I wanted a physical relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that. But I also want an intimate emotional relationship and above all I want a spiritual relationship. All of which are not just permitted in halacha, but emphasised as important.

So what keeps me from engaging in a hook up? The fact that for 15 years I have waited for all those physical firsts is amazing, and I can wait longer. I no longer feel shame or angry about that, it is one piece of a relationship to look forward to. Along with the challenges and conversations and all the other great things a marriage can bring.

Unfortunately I still have issues with pornography and shmiras habris. And I need some advice. The problem is more than being single, the problem is when I feel trapped or anxious these two things act as a comfort. Also when I see this woman I mention I feel tension and some resentment that I can never be with her. I do really like her as well as have some lust towards her. I refuse to feel guilty for being human as I do not think it helps, my sins will be atoned for in the right time. But how does one gain control over his physical desire with repressing it?

Fear. I was afraid to start the book at first, for the same reason that I always found it hard to quit. I was afraid that I was giving something up. Porn was "my friend and my crutch", and I was afraid of living without it. Afraid like someone's going to kill me? Don't be ridiculous, you know what I mean. I felt like I was giving something up and making a sacrifice. As a result I initially was afraid to get started, it was hard to face the prospect of a life without porn, a life without my "friend" (what a great friend, it ruins your life, and damages your brain and body).

You don't have to quit before starting the book. In the original book on quitting smoking, readers are instructed to smoke while reading the book. Sounds counter-intuitive, but remember that you have nothing to lose by reading the book. The worst thing that could happen is you end up right back where you are now – addicted. There's no downside, only upside.

I discovered a new tool that kept me ongoing for a few month now. It's a powerful tool, but it should be used with the due respect. 
I saw a video that REALLY disgusted me. Once I saw that, it impact me so much that I stopped watching porn. 
I know that disgust may not be the nicest choice, but it surely works for me. I remember reading that that's how Rabi Najman of Breslev overcome his yetzer hara. 
Hope this helps you!

Hi Chevra,
I had a slip yesterday.  Looks at somethings I should not have.  Posting here to help create some additional accountability.

IN regards to an unfiltered device... I have the same issue as you (FWF). I have a kosher phone but at home there are unfiltered devices.
a big thing that I do is taphsik shvua/neder it Helpss alot!!
you can Read how it works on this site (under tools I think)
feel free  To pm me if you'd like.
All the best keep it up!!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks brother.

BH every day I am slowly getting over it.

In any case, 
Today I was not as careful when I went to drop and pick up my daughter. It wasnt to see the people there but I could have been more careful. Tomorrow I will IYH try to be more careful.

I hope everyone is doing well

Happy summer 

soaring high wrote on 03 Aug 2021 16:00:

Great attitude!

Hatzlacha

vhaereiny wrote on 01 Aug 2021 16:34:

Just click guardyoureyes.com/ebooks

hey guys! feel like I need to share this, you see my last post was how how to take down the tough situations and push through but i must say right now I'm feeling pretty depressed, had a really rough day (losing color war was from the easy stuff that happened:) ) a bunch of stuff went wrong and put me in a bad mood, also all the guys I'm with have smartphones and i don't have one since since i got rid of mine and i feel kind of like left out or restricted, I'm in camp so its not like im doing nothing and just with these guys, but at the end of the day i just want to lay down in bed and watch youtube or movies for the next 6 hours, hopefully everything will be alright, but i just wanted to share my feelings and also tell you guys that I'm not Mr always positive and always happy and can pull through tough situations and right now even after my whole post on Acceptance and commitment therapy i cannot unhook myself and accept the situation its just really depressing, but at least i have you guys to share this, because i couldn't get through to anyone else and honestly i feel like you guys are much more in the same boat as me, so again hopefully this all goes well and we'll all keep on hustling and pushing through because were freaking warriors of the 21st century!!!!!!! may hashem bless us!!


all the best,

smokey

Oh I just realized your message was in regards to this. My response remains what I replied to you.

Easy Peasy Method

You read the book, and then you don't want to watch porn anymore. It's pretty great.

Oh, and then you move on with your life and don't have to worry about this stuff anymore.

So I have come to realize that I need to stop

Reviving my old thread because, well, yeah, I'm back. Pretty ironic if you look at my last post from a few years ago...