There are a lot of new guys who have taken advantage of Ellul-Tishrei to sign up here and work on really living life.

A lot of them don't know where to begin. The ones who have started their journey being clean, can't help but wonder how long it will last.

First of all, I would like to extend a hearty welcome. Make yourselves comfortable and tell us about yourselves.

I would like this thread to be an information booth of sorts, a first stop for people who are trying to figure out where to start.

Please do not get into discussions on this thread. If there is something that works for you, post it here. If there is something on the forum that helped you, quote it here. If you have questions about something posted here, please quote and ask about it elsewhere. I would like this thread to be clear so that people don't need to go digging for it.

Hatzlacha!

Eye.nonymous

Gibbor120

inastruggle

AlexEliezer

AlexEliezer

The following was originally posted in my thread.

I have been asked to post the method I use to stay clean. To be honest, when I first started, I didn't really have any method. I just decided to stop and I did. Along the way, I've picked up some gems of wisdom and found myself giving them over to others who have also seen some success using them.

I will attempt to start posting some of those tips here. As we are on a continuing journey, I'm sure I will always be adding things to it.

#1: A commitment to stop -
This is the first thing that must be made. Sometimes this comes from inspiration that we see, or something that we feel. I know for me, I started coming to Guard Your Eyes and snooped around without any commitment for a few months. Many times I had the browser open with one tab on GYE and the others on pure shmutz. I was here, but without the commitment, so no change was happening. Then one day, particularly after being steeped in garbage, I decided that I had had enough. I decided to stop.

Many people on here say that they want to stop. The thing is that though they have that feeling, a large part of them doesn't really want to let go of the stuff. It simply feels too good.

We need to make a firm decision. Have we had enough or not? Are we ready to give up the pleasures in order to lead a much happier life?

If the answer to that is yes, we're on our way.

#2: Let go of the past, forget the future, live the present -
Many of us are plagued by thoughts of our pasts. We have failed so many times in the past, why will this time be any different? Is it just a matter of time before I’ll fail again? Why bother?

We need to realize that each moment, each choice, and each action is independent of the ones before and after it. We need to let go of the past, it doesn’t matter what happened back then (even 5 minutes ago!), and it really doesn’t matter if I might fall in the future. We need to live the present and concentrate on making the right decisions when we are faced with them moment by moment.

#3: Negative programming, positive programming -

This is somewhat tied into letting go of the past and the harmful messages we’ve been telling ourselves.

I heard this concept from an expert salesman. He says that a lot of sales people are so afraid of the word no, they are constantly coming up with excuses to push off their sales calls. In the morning when they get to the office they tell themselves, "It's way too early, I don't want to seem too eager! I'll make the calls later." A couple of hours pass and then the excuse changes to, "They're probably going out to lunch. I'll call afterwards!" After lunch, time has to be given to allow the prospective client to get settled in by their desks. Then when they're finally ready to make the call, they glimpse at the clock and, "Oh well, the day is practically finished. Don't want to call them as they're getting ready to leave the office! I'll call tomorrow!" The excuses and procrastination are made using different words, but the real message going through their mind is, "They'll say no and I'm going to be a failure as a salesperson!"

In order to combat this, he says, a salesman has to literally talk to himself, smile and say things like, "I am great! I can sell anything to anyone!" Over and over again, you say these things and you're recording it into your subconscious to be retrieved later when you need it.

If we are telling ourselves things like, “It’s only a matter of time before I fail, I always fall after X amount of days, when I see such and such I have no choice but to fail, etc.” we are not failing! We are doing exactly what we said we’d be doing!

We need to change these messages and replace them with positive messages. “With Hashem’s help, I will make the right choices as they present themselves to me, moment by moment!”

#4: Be aware of underlying issues -

The only instance the past is important, is to learn from it. What was going on in the past that made us feel the need to indulge?

For most of us, it’s to escape parts of our lives that are too painful to live. Let’s face it, doing this stuff makes us feel good, temporarily. It’s like taking a Tylenol - temporary pain relief. All it really does is mask over the feelings for a few fleeting moments. As soon as we’re done, the pain comes flooding back, only this time with much much more strength, because now we have the added anguish of having allowed ourselves to sink so low.

We all have underlying issues. Usually it comes in the form of stress, whether it be marriage problems, money issues, anxiety over an upcoming event, self-pity, or anything like that. It’s important to realize what issues we’ve been trying to run away from and learn how to deal with them in a healthy way.

Staying clean without working on the underlying issues is like mowing over weeds without pulling out the root. It may look nice to start out, but eventually, they will grow back.

#5: Don’t actively count the days -

I’m not really for the 90-Day Challenge for a couple of reasons.

1) It keeps you focused on trying to “make it through” each day when really we should just be living our lives.
2) It could give us the false expectation that as soon as we make it to 90, we are cured. As guys, it is normal to have sexual curiosities and cravings, we will live with that for the rest of our lives. Giving into those cravings in an inappropriate way, at any point in our lives, has the potential to bring us back to square one.

I recommend writing your start date and time somewhere and once in a while, or when someone asks you how far along you are, you can look it up and make the calculations. This could encourage you and the questioner to keep on going and to be thankful to Hashem for giving you the strength to get that far.

#6 : Be aware of positive changes -

After a few days, you are probably noticing some of the positive effects of being clean. Savor the good feelings and remember them. Is your relationship with your wife or other people you deal with on a regular basis improving? With me, my wife began noticing the change in me before I even let her know I was working on myself, and she said so. When the little cravings would try to get at me, I would tell them that I was much happier being clean and promptly dismissed them. On the flip side, I would...

Remember the negative consequences of giving in -

Remember how falling would really make you feel after the short-lived high, the impact it would make on your relationships, the way it made you feel like you were living a double life, etc. It's just not worth it.

#7: If you know Alef, teach Alef -

The Lubavitcher Rebbe would tell people that nobody knows too little to teach others. If you know Alef, he would say, teach Alef. Reach out to others, if something works for you and it could help others, rather than keeping it to yourself, share it with others who it could help. We are often unaware of the wellsprings we have inside of us. Often when someone asks me about something they're having trouble with, I ask them what they would tell an imaginary friend who just logged on with that exact issue. Usually their advice is really good! When we teach others, we are teaching ourselves. When we help others, we are helping ourselves. Each time we share how we should be looking at a situation, we are reinforcing it in our minds.This is one of the first things I started doing and it has helped me tremendously.

#8: Everything is hashgacha pratis -

There are guys I speak to on here who are down because they are single and want so badly to get married.
There are other guys who wish they were still single because they long for the freedom that being single allowed them, or because they wished they could deal with their issues without it affecting their wife.
I've met guys who so badly want kids.
I've met guys who long for the days when they had uninterrupted quiet time with their spouse.

In short, the grass is always greener on the other side.

Things not going the way you had envisioned it?
Smile and relax, it's ok.

Everything that happens in this world is Hashem's doing and everything Hashem does is good. We think we know how things should be. Hashem knows how things should be. We have just one piece of the jigsaw puzzle, Hashem sees the whole picture. Everything is being orchestrated precisely for our own good. If we're in a situation, even if it's a difficult one, we can relax knowing that the sole purpose of the situation we are in is for us to grow.

Be the best you can be in the situation you're in!

#9: The only person I can control is myself -

Sometimes the people around us behave in ways that make us angry or upset. Sometime women on the street aren’t dressed properly. We can’t control how they behave. We can only control how we react to them. When it comes to people we deal with who get us down (a wife, parents, siblings, for instance), sometimes it just takes some understanding and putting ourselves in their shoes. It won’t necessarily change things, but it could help us tolerate the behavior, and respond appropriately. If it’s a woman on the street, we have the choice to drink in the sight or to look away. If the situation is one that we are incapable of changing, we can remember what was written above regarding hashgacha pratis and grow from the situation.

#10: Ivdu es Hashem b’simcha! -

It’s a very big mitzvah to be happy and to serve Hashem with joy. In fact, it’s just impossible to serve Hashem properly when we’re down. The yetzer harah (the selfish part of us) is very much aware of this and therefore, it doesn’t really care so much if we sin, what it wants is for us to get all sad about it. Why? Because sadness breeds more reason to make ourselves feel better and the YH always has good ideas of how to go about doing that... (What he conveniently lets us forget is how miserable we feel after!)

Feel like acting out? Find something to smile, laugh, be happy about, and give the YH the boot!

#11: Did you slip or fall? -

Just breathe, it’s ok. We’re working on a middah that in most cases has become an ingrained habit over many years. Though we’re trying, it’s a bit unrealistic to expect to change things completely overnight, or even in a few weeks or months. The minutes, days, or months are not lost. They are a huge accomplishment that we need to continue to build upon.

Take a moment to reflect. What worked, what didn’t work? What can you tweak to do better?

The important thing is to be thankful to Hashem for giving us the strength to achieve what we were able to achieve and ask for more strength to continue. Pick yourself up, wipe off the dust and keep on moving forward. B’ezras Hashem you will grow in ways you never imagined and your life will be the happiest it can be!

#12: Asking Hashem to take it away -

A few days ago, I was having a really tough time controlling my thoughts. Out of desperation, I thought to myself, "There are guys on GYE who say that they just ask Hashem to 'take away the lust,' and they say that it works. Why not give it a shot?"

I didn't verbalize it, there were people around, I just thought it: Hashem, I'm having a difficult time with these thoughts. Please take them away from me.
Poof! They disappeared immediately.

Why does this work?

I think the answer is that when we're asking Hashem to help us through it, we are forcing ourselves to think about Him, even if it's on the most basic level. Intrinsically we know that these desires are all about making ourselves feel good, throwing Hashem and all other victims to the sidelines. If I believe in Hashem enough to ask Him to help me through a hard time, I'm putting Him at the center of it all and then there's no room for entertaining such thoughts and desires.

May we all have the strength to keep Hashem at the center of our lives and ask Him for help when we need it.

Someone once told me that he sometimes feels like a hypocrite. How can he do some things, or take on new mitzvos when there are others he is not currently doing?

I told him that one mitzvah is not dependent on the other. I told him to look at it like a game of Super Mario Bros. All the coins you collect add to your points, but if you miss one or two or even more, it's ok as long as you keep trying to get as many as you can. Points aren't subtracted because you missed a coin. You can only gain by collecting more.

And that's really how we need to look at our challenge. Every moment we hold back and every mitzvah we do, we're gaining points. If we fall, we "lose a life" and need to start over. Except that with life there's no game over until the Game is really over. We just need to try to beat our previous score.

Do we get depressed and give up playing when we lose a life?
Most people try to learn from that failed turn. They know that a monster showing up is inevitable - it's part of the game - so they try to remember in what circumstance it showed up and they learn from failing what they did wrong so they could try to beat it the next time.

When we start over playing a game like that, we're not thinking about our past failure except to say, "Hey, I got killed because of such and such - Next time let's try this!" We're not intimidated by the big monster at the end of the level. We're thinking how to successfully beat it and are determined to get to the next level.

Do we know what will be tomorrow or the next day? Will this attempt be like the others?
We never know what life will bring and thinking about any point in time beyond the here and now is pointless. Don't think about the monster except to strategize how you're going to beat him when/if he does rear his ugly head.

Keep positive. Savour every clean moment whether it's an hour, a day or a month. They're all accomplishments. Remind yourself how happy you are being clean. When you have temptations, tell yourself that it's really not a good "medicine."

Keep collecting those coins and be proud of them!

inastruggle


nitzotzeloki

This is a question that many newcomers to this site find themselves grappling with.

First off, I'd like to point out that if the title, 'Addict' makes you uncomfortable, don't use it. If you are an addict, you will eventually figure that out. The bottom line is that you came here because you have an issue that is taking over your life, and you haven't been able to make progress on your own.

Now that that is out of the way, I would like to touch upon what addiction means to me, and how a basic function of human life can turn into such.

Take a piece of cake.

It's a tasty food, but not a very healthy choice for nutritional value.

Now, most people can have a slice or two on occasion, and it will be enough for them.
In the grand of scheme of things, though unhealthy, it won't be very harmful to these people because they are able to stop eating once they've had enough.

For overeaters, however, they have no off switch. They are obsessed with food and they can't get enough of it. Every minute, they are eagerly awaiting their next feast. Before they get to an event, their minds are preoccupied with what might be served.

It's that way for lust addicts as well. For most people, they may be able to have a bit of lust. We can argue about whether it can be healthy or not, but for those people, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal.

For me, I know that once I allow myself to entertain one tiny thought of, "wow, cute looking girl," or whatever, my mind does not let go. There is no off switch. One thought leads to the next, which leads to the next. The next thing I know I'm on the computer saying, "5 more minutes." Three hours later, it's one or two in the morning, I know I have to be up at 6:30, and I'm still having a hard time pulling myself away to go to sleep. Then in addiction mode, I wake up at 5:30 to get on before I need to leave the house. I'm exhausted and not functioning properly, but who cares? I like it. So the whole day I'm looking forward to getting back to my garbage and I'm irritable if I'm unable to return it when I was anticipating it.

This is the picture of addiction, but keep in mind there are many people on GYE who are going through the same struggles. Being an addict doesn't mean that we are bad. It just means that over time we have taught ourselves to deal with life in an unhealthy way. It's a journey to get and keep ourselves healthy, but there are many many success stories.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Stay out of isolation and keep on moving forward!

airmale613

The.Guard

thanx so much for all those tips. every time i fall i get chizuck just from reading this, by realizing that theres still hope

i wanted to add to this list a topic that i did not come across yet in GYE's topics which is the inyan of Goishe Music. Music produced by Goyim from Rock to puerto rican salsa. All of it even if obscene words are not said ; the music in its essence , in its neshama , carries the neshama and the mind that its author owns. So by being a music fan or follower you get exposed inadvertently in a subtle but sure way to the dirt that dwells in its composer. I am not sure about classical music , but it may as well be the same . So if you are doing many steps to stay sober and its a rocky road , maybe its the music that you are listening to . Its my opinion , being from southn america and love latin beat. i have about six months that stopped listening altogether to my favorite type of music. And i do feel that it adds to my being sober. my opinion , take it or leave it.

Very pertinent video on how to view personal challenges/shortcomings.

Are our weaknesses actually our strength?

“And Yaakov Remained Alone”: Our Lonely Battles

newaction, with you on this music thought, all the way