I B"H have children and grandchildren and I have been struggling since the age of 6 in what evolved to M. I called out for help from my Menahel in Yeshiva and a few Rabbanim over the years but none of them were able to suggest an adequate solution. Originally GYE wasn't around yet and when it was around they probably weren't educated enough about GYE. In any case, it has been a terrible struggle for all these years. I tried every piece of guidance I ever heard about but I was overpowered and never succeeded, although I never gave up.

Somebody asked me a few weeks ago what my take was about such issues, not because he had them but because he had to address the issue since it has gone public in the streets with people promoting improper behavior. I did a google search and came across GYE. I have seen advertisements before but I thought that GYE was to help people decide to get proper filters. I was unaware of how powerful GYE is and that they address things like M. I cry because of the question of where have I been for all these years. I signed up to GYE and I am in the middle of the F2F program. I read a lot on the forum and I decided that it is time to post my story. I haven't tried to reach 90 days before but knowing my struggles and what I've been through I decided to get a head start and post.

I look up to all of you and am proud to join the GYE forum. Contrary to what some people believe that people who have struggles in this area have a lack in Yiras Shamayim I challenge this misconception. I believe that many if not all of us have much more Yiras Shamayim than the average Yid. We have a struggle that some others never had. Some of us had addictions and felt powerless over our struggles and others without addictions also felt powerless, notwithstanding our tremendous desire to be good. Without GYE it can be almost impossible for some people to transform their behavior and even with GYE it can be a long process. My challenge might be for life and I am grateful for GYE and for all the members who take the courage to post on GYE. 

yitzchokm wrote on 19 Jul 2023 17:39:

You did your crying over the past. Don't let that suck you down 
Now its time for a smile for the future. A future that looks bright & promising ( promises made -promises kept)
You're clearly ready for a  change and joining this wonderful chevra is the best way to get that change .
Looking forward to getting to know you .

Wow!



Dear R' Yitzchok, It pains me to read that you are struggling for so many years. Thank goodness you found this stunning community.

Read. Learn. Share. Grow.

Keep on fighting,

Great post. I agree it’s often not a lack of yiras shomayim. I hope you will stay and post often.

Best wishes
Vehkam

Welcome! Please stick around and let us grow together. 

Well said redfaced.
Yitzchokm - You have joined and are making a sincere effort to succeed on the road to sobriety. All the power to you. 
Keep striving to succeed with boldness of spirit. Do not look back and lose confidence.

Wow, to still be trying to change after all these years... a real chizuk! Yes, I believe if yiras shamayim was the issue, we could spend a couple months learning mussar and the problem would disappear. Unfortunately thats not the reality. 

Thank you everyone for the encouragement and helpful guidance. As Grant400 said I hope to stick around and grow together.

Welcome. Your post resonates deeply with me. Although our struggles are different I, too, just found GYE after many lonely years of walking this road alone. Everything is different with friends to reach out to, to learn from, to share with. There are special , growing people in this community . And you are clearly a valuable addition, please stick around , as the General says! 

chazak vamatz!

For anyone who is wondering, although I haven’t posted about my struggles except for twice it isn't coming from greatness. I started taking medication for something else and the side effects decrease desire. I had struggles like everyone else on the forum for decades and I can identify with everyone's struggles all too well. I am unsure why Hashem only exposed me to GYE now but I am constantly changing doses of my medication and from time to time I change to a different medication altogether and all the struggles can come back. It is great that I am fortifying myself for the future but it is ambiguous to me why destiny had it that I was only exposed to GYE now and not when I had my difficult struggles. If anything, I am at a lower level than everyone else, although I don't see it as a failure. I just wish I would have been lucky enough to fight my struggles when they were as powerful as the struggles of everyone else on GYE. I did learn many of the tricks of the trade from the F2F and from the forum so I wouldn't say that I would necessarily fall if I did have great struggles. I understand other people's feelings. I was wondering the other day whether other people feel hurt when I am posting as if I am the biggest Tzaddik.

I definitely have what to gain from reading on the forum. Until today, I definitely needed to post in order to heal but after communicating with a few people on GYE in PM I might have revealed a new horizon. Cordnoy encouraged me on the forum a few days ago to keep on posting so perhaps I will. But believe me the ones fighting on the forefront are the other people posting. I am just joining them from behind the battlefront and learning from everyone else how to fight. Social media never shows the full picture.

It was necessary for me to post to release my pent up stress and emotions from my struggles for so many decades, in order to heal. I understand that most people are posting for reasons other than mine but it was necessary for me to post for my own reasons. I won't hesitate to return to the forum, reading and posting as necessary but at the moment I believe that at least for now, for the most part, I have already healed. I will continue updating my daily check-in and completing whatever is left of the F2F program and I believe that by then, at least for now, I will have completely healed.

Thank you to everyone posting and to the administrators for welcoming me and making me feel comfortable posting, guiding me and helping me heal. A special thank you to everyone who sent me a PM. You are my teachers and through you I have come to a new revelation about myself. I bless everyone using the GYE website and everyone contributing to the website that Hashem should grant you success in overcoming all of your struggles in all areas of your lives. Thank you very much everyone. All the best.

yitzchokm wrote on 11 Aug 2023 17:05:

I cant tell you the ways of Hashem, but I had a similiriar situation with medication when I was younger... Perhaps now is a time to prepar, where you can build solid foundations and walls, while not under enemy fire.

bright wrote on 13 Aug 2023 14:07:

I did have to use many tools in the toolbox including urge surfing but only for the first few weeks. Now that I got it under control my urges are very easy to handle. I wouldn't call it a struggle any more. I believe I did build solid foundations of how to make it through an urge and how to get up after a fall. I already helped others and it worked. I only faced the challenge of whether to give in to an urge or fight it for the first few weeks of my journey but I did help others that were about to give in. It is much easier to help others than to fight for myself so it is good in a way that I am fortifying myself before going out to a tough battle. Only that I lost so many battles until now and I could have already been an experienced fighter.

Well said! Don't be so uncertain about yourself, keep on growing! You are doing great!

I completely healed from my struggles with M. My posts about my personal history, reaching out to HHM and some criticism from Cordnoy made me heal emotionally as well. I am grateful to everyone who posted on the forum or reached out to me in private messages or in chat. It is through you that I have healed.

I stopped posting on the GYE forum because I got addicted to it. I used the Flight to Freedom program to overcome this addiction and together with my psychologist I overcame the addiction within a few weeks. At some point he ended up saying something that was enough for me to stop cold turkey.

I have a special place in my heart for everyone on GYE. I shed tears for all of us on the first day of Rosh Hashanah when we daven for Ruchniyus. I really care about everyone on GYE and I am thinking about you. I am considering keeping chat open for short intervals a few times a week so I can help others but as of now I am still unsure whether it is wise for me to do so. I will be discussing it with my psychologist.

I bless everyone on GYE that Hashem should grant you all freedom and that everyone should have a gmar chasima tova and a gut gebentched sweet year. All the best.