Don’t wanna write this, I will but shorthand.

Been going to a pharmacy for awhile. There’s a pretty pharmacist who knows me, flirtatious etc.
I always fantasized of being with her, asking her out- would be too easy.

Spoke once I go to a gym, she said I should check out her gym and wanted to send me a link with a free few days, so last week she took out her phone and took down my number, called me so I got it.
I asked what time she goes and we made up to meet there at a certain time.
I said I’ll let her know what day works for me…

I came back to Yeshiva. This was a day after.
I can easily steer this wherever I want. She has an apartment, wouldn’t be too hard especially since I’m way too smooth, idk why or what I’m supposed to do with that gift of mine, but I’m a great talker, speaker, communicator…..

Erev Shabbos I went back and forth, sent a message which would escalate but then deleted it, masterbated then decided to delete her number.

Its just a lot to deal with. I really want it- I want to feel like a free man who women are attracted to. But this could go downhill very very very fast.
And what worries me more is that I know once I cross this red line then it will be, GD forbid, a nisayon when married as well. And that’s not what I need in my life.

Its too much to deal with though. I was horribly triggered on Friday of past trauma, without getting into details, but a guy tapped my shoulder while showering at the Mikva…
Im still in immense pain from that trigger, and dealing with this. Though now I don’t have her number. Idk, things are just nuts.

Didnt tell anyone at first, not even my therapist, cuz I was 100% committed to doing this and not being deterred. I did tell a close friend of mine over breakfast though on friday.

Am I making this into too big of a deal? Like maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to hang with a pharmacist? Is it out of the ordinary? Open to hear y’all thoughts.
Im just in so much pain. I came back to Yeshiva a few days ago to try making it work, then this happen, then the Mikva trauma trigger nearly put me into cardiac arrest to say the LEAST.

Im also not convinced that I don’t wanna hang with her and go downhill, it’s exciting. Now I cut everything off but I’m going back to get a prescription in a day or two so idk…

YeshivaGuy

YG, Whatever you do, know that we are here for you!

If you need any prescriptions filled, come to us first we have good discounts!

Wow! This is quite the Nisayon! I can only imagine the excitement you're feeling, yet at the same time there's a part of you that's screaming - no, no, no - and you had the courage to delete her number - amazing!

I would suggest that you try to stop and think of what you really want in your life and if this fits what you want, or if it's simply an easy way to heal old wounds - and it won't turn out to be of any help or even enjoyment in the long run. That's something you have to decide for yourself. 
If you do get clarity that you don't want it - then you need the right person to help you through to stick to your decision - I don't know if that person is a GYE partner, therapist or Rebbe who you trust - but it sounds like a massive Nisayon that most people couldn't fight alone.

May Hashem continue to give you the strength to fight the good fight. You've been in some really tough situations before and have done some really great things, inspiring us all! So keep it up!

Hi YeshivaGuy,

I haven't commented much on your thread, although I have been following your journey.  You are an amazing person who is clearly growth oriented and trying to do the right thing.  You are faced with challenges that I cannot imagine and have never gone through, so I will not pretend to know what your going through.  Yes, I can say "lets be logical here" you know as soon as you go down this path, you would have made a big mistake and as you pointed out, once you give in now, you will continued to be faced with this nisayon when you are married.  But I will not say any of this because, when you are in this moment, logic does not work. You should definitely find someone you trust to talk this through and get the needed support.  I will davan for you as well.

Sincerely your GYE buddy, Dave M

Dave M wrote on 13 Mar 2022 17:27:

It means so much to me to know you’ve been following my journey. Thank You.
Theres a good chance I’ll be switching yeshivahs by next zman so won’t be going to that pharmacy again, tomorrow should be my last pickup until Bein Hazmanim.

Ya I know how it works that once you cross a line then it becomes your new point of battle. It’s hard though to keep such a clear mind when I’m simultaneously drowning in such intense pain. I think I’ll be good though, at least I think so…

YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Mar 2022 17:35:

The best strategy in fighting lust, is not to battle in the first place.  Are you sure you should be the one to pick up the prescription?  Anyway you can get it delivered or have someone pick it up on your behalf?  It's probably not the best idea for you to go there......

Dave M wrote on 13 Mar 2022 18:08:

That’s an amazing idea, I didn’t think of that. I can give my friend my info and have him get it

Hey yeshivaguy, 
It’s shtarkandemotional here! 
Its a big kavod for me to be posting on the thread of someone who I know went through hell and sacrificed a lot of his pleasure in life for the sake of Hashem. Yeshivaguy, you gave me some advice on my struggle with girls around 1 and half years ago! What would you tell shtarkandemotional if he came to you with this exact scenario? Follow that advice! Trust me yeshivaguy knows a lot and has a lot of insight. And I mean A LOT!

He @YeshivaGuy, hang in there! 

The way I see it, sometimes life throws us curve balls and at the same time, life can play trick on us by confusing us with what the best way to go about getting what we need. Life can get really tricky and confusing especially for guys who struggle emotionally who crave a relationship with a girl. 

It's okay to vent here, but since you are seeing a therapist, I think that's the real address for this kind of thing. I am saying that because this is clearly not a shmiras ha'whatever issue, it's an emotional one. In that case, we cannot really help you, and your therapist probably can help you navigate your feelings and your values. 

We are here for you.

Keep on moving rolling on, don't stop for the ocean...

@YG I was literally shaking reading your post. I can only imagine the pain and the tension from all the forces pulling you in different directions. It’s awesome that you were able to take a step back and disconnect. 
May Hashem continue giving you the strength to make the right choices. Chazak V’Ematz!

Hey buddy, where can i come give you a hug? (A safe one)

Oy, moving forward on the path to nowhere.
Recovered the number. Messaged, shmuze abit, I doubt she has intentions etc she said her daughter in Europe is my age so it’s weird, idk man.
Managed to see a quick clip of kissing, masterbated and putting that with porn so restarting the count.
It’s like every power in the world is trying to keep me from getting back into yeshiva, it’s discouraging and I don’t even feel like I want this anymore. Idk…

It takes so much to keep going, and I don’t know if I even want to. And even if I do, I don’t know where I’m going, I’m a shadow here in Yeshiva, everyone thinks I’m just visiting and maybe I am, maybe I will…

Thanks HHM for the idea...I'm in - to join in the group hug. I'd even come in special from Grodno if that would help.

YG, you are a strong dude. Trust your judgement regarding how to best "ride the wave" of this unbelievable taavah surge (if that makes sense).

Oh, and sending someone else to pick up the prescription aint no "cop-out;" it's a huge act of gevurah! 

Rooting like mad from Lita ~ img

6 days clean.
Pushing myself to go to the Beis Medrash during Seder for the first time in over 3 months.
Idk how much I even want to, I’m not so enchanted with Judaism these days, but I’ll give it a shot…
Hopefully I’ll find something interesting, lomdish etc

Ok so I learnt for an hour and a half.
Had tons of anxiety but did it. Wasn’t so geshmak, I tried though, found a stira in rambams learnt a ktzos etc, my heart was a dead, though I had a second that I appreciated what the ktzos said.

Meeting a guy in a few hours for a potential job to do part time (during 2nd Seder) if I’d stay here in Yeshiva.
Pays not well though…

Looking at all my options, I’m still unsure whether I wanna learn at all or even have much shaychus to GD. Definitely not interested in davening, but less out of anger and animosity at this point and more just cuz I don’t want to and it gives me anxiety.
I don’t even view it as a level to be strive to attain cuz idk if I even want that.

Had very bad anxiety/trauma triggers over shabbos as my friends were shmuzing bout the kids speak thing…
Therapy’s going well but it’s such a killer, unless you’ve experienced it you can’t imagine.


We’ll see what happens I suppose.