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hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 04:33 #111583

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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I've been lurking here for a couple of months, and now it's time to introduce myself and share my story. I first would like to express my Hakoras Hatov to Hashem for giving me a second chance, and for leading me to GYE when I needed it most. Also my thanks to all of you here, who through your stories and struggles have inspired me to hang on when times are tough, and to strive to bcome the person that Hashem really wants me to be.

i apologize if this is a bit long-winded but I am not such a good writer and I have a lot to get off my chest. I also apologize to the mods if i get too graphic and you have to edit. So here goes....

I am in my 40's, what you would call a "working yeshivishe ben torah", grew up in a small frum community, went to the "best" yeshivas, and I am B"H married with a bunch of kids K"AH. That's what everyone sees and thinks...... they don't know about my dark, secret life.

I have been struggling with SSA since my teens. Actually "struggling" is the wrong word, because until recently I was just wallowing in it. B"H I never went as far as doing it with another person, though not from lack of wanting. My natural shyness saved me many times from following through when situations presented themselves. But the looking, the fantasies, the WANTING, and the acting out with myself totally consumed my life and made me miserable even as i was enjoying the momentary pleasures.

Igrew up in a small town with very few other boys my age. I am a loner type and very shy and I really didn't have friends. At Bar Mitzva age I was sent out of town to Yeshiva as there was no Yeshiva high school where I lived. I found myself even more isolated there, as most of the other boys had come in groups from larger schools and had their own circles of friends.

I had always "played with myself" even at a very young age. I had no idea what it meant or that it was wrong, just that it felt good. I guess i began using it to soothe myself more and more. At the same time, as my body matured,  I found myself fascinated more and more with looking at the other boysn how they were developing. I had barely any idea what sex was at that point, and surely did not even know that there was such a thing as homosexuality. I atrributed my fascination to "scientific curiosity".

At some point around the age of 15, I did MZ"L for the first time, also out of "curiosity". I cannot even begin to describe the way it was immediately addicting, probably like a first hit of cocaine (I have never done drugs). I am sure all of us here know what I am talking about. before i knew it I was doing it every chance I got, even 2-3 times a day. As I got older I ealized that I was fantasizing about the other boys while I did it, and I began to realize that i had a "problem". But I couldn't stop, and there was nobody i felt close enough to talk to. So I went throug life walking the walk and talking the talk, while in secret i wallowed in my sick fantasies. I learned, davened and did mitzvos, and most of the time I even believed in it, even as I knew deep inside that it was all a show and I couldn't tell anyone about what was eating me up. I would cry on Yom Kippur, promising to be good, while knowing full well that the Yetzer Hora was waiting right outside the Bais Medrash door and i probably wouldn't make it 12 hours before i did it again.

There were times when I got into situations with friends who i think had similar desires. We would be together alone and we each knew the other one wanted it. Once a friend was telling me about his bodybuilding and wanted me to feel how hard his stomach muscles were. I knew what he really wanted, and he knew that I wanted it too. My hand was literally inches from that first contact with another boy's skin. But I couldn't bring myself to make that final move. I don't know what held me back but i knew that if I took that step there was no going back. I remember literaly shaking from the tension and the desire, but I pulled my hand back and said no. For years later I would fantasize about what might have been, what could have happened. Now I look back and am comforted that even at my lowest moments i still had some self control (maybe it was just shyness but it saved me from going all the way over the edge).

I got older and began to date, but my heart wasn't in it and it really did't go anywhere. I am attracted to women also so that was not a problem. I just couldn't "connect" with anyone.

Then I met my wife. From our first phone call it just "clicked". We got married and have a great relationship and a bunch of kids. I hoped that when i got married my 'problem' would go away. I actually stayed "clean' for almost a whole year, but then i fell right back in. My mistake was that I only stopped doing MZ"L, but would still gaze at every boy I saw, fantasize, and mast***** but without MZ"L. I quickly discovered that there's no halfway, but I could not stop and fell back in. This went on for years, I would stop MZ"L for a few weeks or even a couple of months, and then flop right back into the mud.

Then I discovered the internet! first it was just some pictures, but more recently I found all the "goodies' that are available. Now I had even more material to satisfy my fantasies and cravings. I began to secretly look at g** po** more and more. as time went on i got bolder, even looking at it while my wife was in the next room. (I work in IT so I know how to cover my tracks). She still had no idea.

As I sank deeper into my "alternate reality" I would begin to think and question where I really belong. I felt like I was living a lie (I WAS living a lie, i just wan't sure which one). There were times when I would feel like an ousider waching myself acting in a play, davening, learning, raising my kids to be good Yidden, all the while knowing that i couldn't REALLY believe in it if i was acting the way i was. i began to identify myself in my mind as g*y, wondering if I really belonged in the community where i lived. I wondered if Hashem really knew and cared, if He was really there and didn't want me to be like this why did He play such a nasty trick on me and make me this way....(vlo sosuru....zu haminus).  I couldn't take the conflict in my head and wanted out. There were times when i contemplated running away and joining "them", and even considered ending it all....

But Hashem sends the refuah not before the Makkah, but IN the makkah itself. I eventually was compelled to break free...

This past winter I discovered what to me was the most destructive form of porn. Stories. I found a site with literally thousands of stories of boys having relationships. Not just s*x, but friendship and romance. A video is just fun while you see it, and you can only watch it so many times before it gets boring. A story makes you think, and you get emotionally involved with the characters. The stories are serials, with a new chapter added evey few days. I would be checking 10 times a day to see what was new.  I found myself getting so caught up in them emotionally that it started to affect my daily life.

I also started to realize that as I was getting older, my fantasies were becoming less likely to be fulfilled, what teenager was going to do anything with a guy old enough to be their father? This just increased my sense of emotional desperation. I realized that I was yearning for the friendships i had never had in my youth, and sexualizing them because I had no proper frame of reference due to my stunted social development. I was turning into an emotional train wreck, and that just made me act out even more.

Then hashem started sending me messages, things that would open up my feelings in ways I had never experienced. For a year or 2 now i have started occasionally davening in another shul, wher they daven with intensity and feeling. I thin my own davening started to improve then, and hashem hears it when it comes from the heart even when we don't deserve it....

There are 2 boys in the shul that I daven in that are extremely close friends for years. One in particular was a big "trigger" for me and i fantasized about him all the time. I always imagined that the 2 of them had "something going" (i hope it's not true, I'd hate for them to suffer like this). This past year they went out of town to separate yeshivas and did not see each other for six months. i was in Shul the shabbos before Pesach when they greeted each other after their long separation. They hugged like brothers, and I burst into tears. I never had a FRIEND like that, that I could hug in public. I never felt more alone then in that moment.

Then over Pesach I had a terrible dream. i dreamt that I had a close friend that I had not seen in many years. he was on his way to meet me , and was killed in a car crash. I woke up sobbing, and could barely make it through davening that morning. I couldn't figure out at the time why i affected me that badly, but it was all the accumulated emotional junk starting to bleed out ofg me. Then by Birchas Kohanim, where we daven for Hashem to heal our dreamd, i totally broke down. i cried, i'm not even sure what i cried FOR. I just cried in pain. I knew i was a hopeless mess and at that moment, i knew that only Hashem could fix me.

At that moment I felt a calmness and resolve rest upon me. i knew that I must do whatever it takes to bring the two halves of my life together. I realized that i have to do something so shocking to me, that i would be forced to completely change my life. i resolved to "come out" to my wife and tell her everything, and take the consequences as they came.  At that point I wasn't even thinking about doing teshuva, just to stop living in secret and to take whichever path presented itself. i was prepared for the ultimate rejection. I don't know where i would have gone or what i would have done if that happened, but i couldnt survive anymore with what had been bottled up inside me for so long.

So that firs Motzoei Shabbos after Pesach, i sat down with my wonderful wife and said "I have something to tell you about myself that i have been hiding from you all these years................I'm gay........". Her reaction stunned me; "That's not so bad, we will work on fixing it together". In that instant i knew it would be OK. I shared everything with her, all the desperation, all the filth, all the loneliness, all the hopeless yearning for things that cannot and will not be.

We resolved together to work on making it right. The very first thing we did was to install K9 on every computer in the house. From that moment on I have not MZ"L, I have not mast**** (except one slip recently), and I have not looked at porn (with one exception). I promised that any slips i would tell her immediately, and that I would see a therapist. I began from then on to daven with kavana and with tears, begging Hashem to give me the strength to hold on and continue, and to fight the Yetzer Hora for me because I cannot do it alone.

The first weeks were sheer hell. Just like starting was like a drug, stopping was like a physical withdrawal. i walked around in a daze, shaking from tension. i committed to making an effort not to look and not to fantasize, but it's not that easy. My triggers are EVERYWHERE, in the street, in the store, in shul, at work (don't even mention the mikva). i don't even have a mechitza to hide behind.  I constantly have to force myself to look away. i was literally whimpering whith the desire for another look, another trigger to release that good feeling in my head. It's a little easier now, but still a constant struggle.

I had finally acknknowledged that I am "gay" and i felt totally disconnected from reality. I would play with my kids in the yard and think to myself "What is this gay guy doing here, i don't belong here". My wife quickly set me straight (pun intended) on that one "You are not gay, you are a yid with a strange and powerful yetzer hora and you are finally fighting it!". I eventually realized that rejecting the label was one of the most important steps in recovery.

I also met with a frum therapist who deals with these issues. He helped me to understand how certain issues from my childhood cause the stunted social developement that leads to this problem, and gave me some tips how to control and redirect my thoughts away from the dangerous fantasies.

Sometime during that fist desperate week, i discovered  Hashem led me to GYE. I had seen the ads before, and I always thought it was for a filtering service like JNet or Yeshivanet, which i was subconciously resisting because i didn't want to lose access to my precious secret world...  But then i was on another website, one that often mocks practices of the frum community. They had a post making fun of the GYE handbook (specifically the "rubberband snapping" thing). The post actually had a link back to the GYE handbook, and i was curious so i clicked it. It was like being transported to a new planet. Suddenly i was not alone anymore, there were so many others who were sruggling with similar issues AND SUCCEEDING. I spent hours reading the handbook and browsing the forums, and got tremendous chizuk from it. I even discovered that i was not the only SSA addict out there, and that it can be successfully suppressed.
The entire secular culture is obsessed right now with being "Born This Way" and that it can't be changed and you should just "be yourself" and "it gets better" etc. as much as we strive to separate ourself from the Goyish attitudes it seeps in like a poison and in moments of self-doubt the Yetzer Hora tries to convince us that they are really right. My weapon is to turn the slogans against them and use it to my own advantage. Yes i was "Born This Way", a member of Hashem's Chosen People, tasked with the mission of spreading His light in a world bent on ignoring Him. we each have our own mission and our own fight, and I have been tasked with a special job. I have a special and unique Yetzer Hora to fight, and although I was held captive by the enemy for 30 years, i have now escaped and i am fighting back! With sweat and tears (lots of tears) I try every day to resist the temptations placed in front of my eyes and the fantasies that linger in my mind.  Eventually "It Gets Better", when the desires will fade away with time and it will be easier to resist. i know that just like I will have to pay and burn for each time I don't look away fast enough, so too i will receive infinite reward for each time I resist the urge for a second look, and each time i suppress the fantasies that constantly try to creep into my head.

I mentioned before that there was one exception to stopping to look at porn, and that was the stories (i found a way around the filter for those). I just couldn't. I needed that fix of knowing what happens next. For  few weeks I unsuccessfully tried to quit, I would manage a day or 2 then I fell in again. I wasn'r even interested in the s*x parts, just the storyline and the emotional buildup. But i knew it had to stop. Then one day i told myself "Enough! if you are serious about this there are no halfways anymore!" i went to Maariv that night and it was the 37th day of the Omer. The sefira of Gevura ShebYesod. I realized "that's what we are all about, Gevura, Kovesh es Yitzro, in the midda of Yesod, of self-control". I resolved that that day would be my personal Yom Kippur of sorts. I davened like never before, and promised that I would never go there again. B"H so far I have been successful. Hence my screen name.

I stayed clean until last friday. Then in the shower i suddenly found myself mast*** I stopped before anything worse happened, but i feell like i was teetering on the edge of a cliff. Then on shabbos i had fantasy dreams which i had not had in a long time. When i have these dreams they are so real that i experience every sensation. many times I would wake up wet, this time B"H I did not. but I need to strengthen myself over again. The events of the past week have affected me terribly and have left me emotionally drained, and maybe that's what made me vulnerable and in need of "soothing".

So here I am, trying to stay clean and to clear the bad thoughts from my head. It has its ups and downs, there is more I would like to share but i think i bored you all enough for now

Once again I would like to thank all of you here on GYE who have shared your stories and your struggles, especially those of you who share my particular "flavor" of addiction. The chizuk i get from seeing how everyone encourages each other to get up and start again really inspired me in my darkest moments. Thank You.
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 08:05 #111589

  • ninetydays
Hi GevurahShebyesod -

Wow - That was some pretty heavy ready for 4 am. Your story is real interesting and while I am not a psychotherapist a few things I took out from it.

1) From your story it is clear you there is some form of psychodynamic theory being played over here. Your story sounds like the way Freud would have described it. Seeing a therapist would definitely help you work through some of these issues.

2) It is amazing that you told your wife. I do not know how you built up that strength. I was unable to do it and knew it. I had my own issues that I was hiding from her and I knew I was heading for a train wreck when she would find out about me. Believe it or not she actually found out about me when I wrote a post of GYE, not as long as yours but as brutally honest.

3) You mentioned in () that you have triggers everywhere especially the mikva. I am no Rav but if the whole purpose of the mikva is for tahara and that is obviously a trigger for you, would it not be better if you did not go?

4) Finally I will say that your nisyonos are tremendous. I do not know if it is proper for me to thank Hashem that I do not have them, but suffice it to say you do not have it easy in life. You never know what someone elses baggage is.

To conclude I am sure you do this but thank Hashem constantly for your wife. She is an amazing person for accepting you and helping you shed the label. When reading her reaction (I am sure you toned it down a bit... it didnt even sound like she was upset, or maybe the time you told her she knew that the time for being upset was not now) she truly sounds like the perfect wife.

Please keep strong and continue posting. You give me tremendous chizuk.

p.s don't worry about the graphic contect of your email. As most of us do not have a predisposition to men they stories of your youth are not triggers for many of us;

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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 10:35 #111593

  • TheJester
Dear 37,

I find your story incredibly moving and touching.  You write with a calmness and sincerity that is beautiful to read.  Your wife's reaction seems so incredibly supportive.

I have very little to add at this time (or too much to write) - I look forward very much to hearing of your progress.  I wish you success now, and in the challenges to come.

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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 13:03 #111601

  • Eye.nonymous
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Wow GSY,

You've really gone through alot and come a long way, too.

What you described, the urges suddenly coming back, I experience alot, too.  Just when I think I've got the solution and I'm well along the road to recovery, suddenly I find myself doing things that I really oughtn't to be doing.  That urge, that irresistable urge comes back.  So, I realize that it is a blessing--a signal that I have been slacking off on all the things I need to do for my recovery--to be a healthy and productive human being.  In being honest about my condition with other addicts, in being honest about my emotions (particularly fears and resentments), in trying to be focused on making a contribution to other people's lives instead of trying to take for myself, and in staying out of isolation.

About the SSA issue.  I have seen some people with far more experience than myself on this forum comment about it like this:  Basically, lust addiction is baffling, and really distorts our view of reality and of ourselves.  It can take any shape or form.  We have isolated ourselves, and we are desparate to connect to other people (but we don't know how).  So, this leaks out as lust.  Lusting after people in the street, pictures on the computer, etc.  We grab for whatever is available.  So, your attraction to other males MIGHT NOT be indicative of any sort of inherited sexual tendencies.  What this person recommended was, WORK ON RECOVERY, and after the lust has calmed down (at least a year), then you can take a crack at figuring out the details.

Thankyou for posting,

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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 13:04 #111602

  • Eye.nonymous
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...and here's the official GYE welcome mat for you:

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 13:52 #111612

  • shteighecher
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Wow. I'm speechless. Your story in deatil will definitely hel a lot of people that have similar struggles. You are a Gibbor, much stronger then me. I'm very impressed. Keep it up brother.
Yes We Can!!!, Yes We Can!!!, Yes We Can!!!,
With Hoshems Help
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 16:04 #111621

  • ZemirosShabbos
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hi and welcome,

your story is very impressive and inspiring. it is heartening to read of your struggle.

being part of GYE can help tremendously by giving you a sense of support and people with whom you can share the struggle.

wishing you the very best
Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise
~Inna beshem ZS

Give, Forgive

The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting.
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 17:18 #111629

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wow what a story you'll get over it with hashems help, but you should know you are married to an ANGEL!
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 17:45 #111632

  • laagvokeles
ai ai ai
you know i could never really understand you, cause i am repulsed in the tings you love....
you helped me understand how stupid i am with my porn issues, you helped me realise i am not better then you at all, cause i am as stupid as you in my department: "woman".

the gemara says that if the taavah of avoda zarah would be in the days of the gemara (i dont wanna think what would happen if the taavah of avodah zarah would be in our days.....) they would run on the streets the trouses would fall and they would still run to get a piece of avodah zarah...

you are a classic example, of how weak we are in our generation, how weak our mind is.
i am reading about a man on hes 40?s who loves storys about other boys, i mean "stories" ribono shel olam! and all because he didnt had friends in hes youth!
a man 40 years old "addicted" to "stories" and suffering so much cause of it!!???  moshiach has to come

you helped me see how sick i am....

רבונו של עולם ראה נא עניינו ועמלינו and bring moshiach

you are lucky u are able to daven and you are connected to hashem, cause u really need hes help.... you are atracted to ppl in your side of the mechitza....
but as long as u daven with all your heart, hashem is gonna help you, no doubt.

(wow i have a feeling i shouldnt have posted, but i can tell you you are a chizuk for me!)
Last Edit: 19 Jul 2011 17:48 by .

Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 17:50 #111633

  • Brother
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Welcome, what an increadible stroy and thank Hashem for the incredible wife he gave you lot's of hatslacha
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 18:19 #111637

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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Thank you all for your responses, i am truly touched by how you all care so much.

Yes my wife has truly been my bedrock going through all of this. She did gasp in shock in the first instant that I told her, but she pulled herself together immediately and has been wonderfully supportive through this entire ordeal. Of course she was upset, she just held it in then because she knew I would not have been able to handle it otherwise. We have had many talks about it and we comfort and support each other. we really have grown closer together than ever before. I thank Hashem constantly for her presence.

To address some of 90's other comments: The therapist I spoke to basically confirmed alot of what I figured out on my own while relecting on my life immediately after I came clean. He explained about the classic lonely child / distant father scenario. My father is a wonderful man, but he grew up as a child in the holocaust and is very emotionally closed. So I grew up with no males to relate to, either my own age or a father figure that i could connect to. I myself came to the realization that my fantasies really were about wanting to BE a boy again, and to go back and relive what i had been missing as a child. I really wish I could go back to when I was 10 or 11 and start over, but Hashem does not give us that option.

As far as Mikva: I really don't go that often, usually just Erev Yom Tov. It was always a big problem for me. I sometimes felt like there were 2 of me going in there together, one to get clean and the other to get dirty....  Many times I would come home and not even make it to licht benching without needing to act out. I would tell myself why bother, but i had to keep up the show...

This past Erev Shavuos I knew I would be in big trouble. I resolved that the second i walk in to the Mikva I will take my glasses off and not put them on again until I am ready to leave ( I can't walk in the street without them as I would be nearly blind, but I have recently begun a scientific study of sidewalk concrete textures... )
So I come in the door and standing right in front of me, completely undressed, is one of my worst "triggers" from the shul I daven in every day! I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. What a nasty trick for the YH to pull on me. I wrenched myself away and walked to the far side of the room. I told myself that I have to concentrate that I am here to get clean and pure. I went in the water and cried bitter tears that i should forget what i just saw and not be tested like that. The YH just loves to pull these tricks on me. Often after I have finished a "good" davening I will open my eyes and standing right in front of me is someone I'd much rather not look at just then. I feel like Hashem took my tefillah and threw it back in my face, but i know it's just the YH trying to mess me up. I usually take off my glasses during davening, but at some point I need to put them back on...

So long for now...

P.S. Laag I just saw your post. Don't worry I'm not insulted. When I can be repulsed by the things I wanted i'll know I'm cured...
Hakin'ah, Hataavah vehakavod motzeein es haadam min haolam. In my case the Kin'ah, wanting what i could not have, led to the taavah, and the kavod would not let me admit how sick I was. Chazal knew what they were talking about....
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 21:57 #111664

  • im not alone
טייערער ברודער 

there is not much I could add or say. But what i could say is. "Your story moved me, you inspired me by the courage and determination you have". In my opinion you are ALREADY a hero as to how focused and determined you are.
Just one thing, take a minute close your eyes and thank hashem for the wonderful and supportive wife he gave you.

keep on posting...... your posts are really inspiring

keep on trucking (you have been lurking around for months, you should know what this means )
your brother

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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 22:11 #111667

  • cominghome
  • Current streak: 44 days
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 25
  • Karma: 0
Gevura ShebYesod, I needed to read your post. Thank you. I also suffered from the "distant father" scenario and it lead to similar thoughts in my mind. I would say the main things helped me that field were two things:

1) The idea that as much as I fantasized, at the end of the day I would never want to actually do the act because of my desire, at the age of 80, to be able to say, "I never cheated on my wife". I also thought of the actual physical pain that is involved in such acts - as much as pop-culture wants to make you think it's a normal thing to do, there are certain parts of your body that if entered, have a very very high risk of bleeding and damage.

2) If you fantasize about being with another woman, your Y"H can almost justify it. You can form a loving relationship with her, run off and have kids, and still fulfill the ratzon of HaShem, right? (Wrong, you would not be fulfilling any ratzon but your own, you would be killing your wife emotionally and socially and forever be a loser.) But if you run off with a relationship with a male, all it is is physical pleasure, it's pure hedonism, which is the culture of one of the nations that destroyed Yerushalayim and the Beis HaMikdash! There is no way it can be justified, it's just pure, selfish pleasure.

The teivas do come back time to time, I even had one for a little today, but all in all the deeper of a relationship I form with my wife and HaShem, the less and less I want to have a relationship with anyone else.

Thanks again for your post.
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Re: hello my friends.... 19 Jul 2011 23:49 #111671

  • jooboy
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 258
  • Karma: 0

Thank you for sharing your story.  I related to much of it eventhough SSA is no my personal favorite flavor.  No difference really - lust is lust.

I have met a number of frum addicts with SSA and they can do really well in recovery.

Best of luck
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Re: hello my friends.... 20 Jul 2011 02:00 #111681

  • ninetydays
Hi Gevurah -

It looks like your writing really helps a lot of people. People really relate to each other. It's just that in real life everyone is so closed no one knows what their neighbor is going through or thinking. They have to come to GYE to be open and honest.

One question I had that I did not quite get. Do you think you are gay now because you had a distant father, or are these two issues separate; but coming together later in life?

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