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Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life?
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TOPIC: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 4837 Views

Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 08:41 #347559

  • wilnevergiveup
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Hi to all, I am new here and this is my first time posting. I am married with a child and struggle primarily with masturbation. I struggled with shemiras einayim since high school (who didn't) and had an unfiltered phone for a period of time.

I acted out for the first time when I was about 21 and struggled since then. Over the course of the years I tried numerous things some helped a little, some a lot, but none of them worked. At a certain point, I had enough and I took both of my unfiltered phones and broke them in half and to this day I have a kosher phone. Obviously this wasn't the only issue (granted a huge issue but not the only one) because even after this I still struggled.

This is when I realized I have a more serious issue. 

I am a serious avreich learning full time, I learn mussar regularly and constantly strengthen myself with various incentives. I can then usually keep myself clean for 2-3 weeks, then this or that and I am back to square one. I will then go through a phase of a few days with no control depression feeling awful about myself and what I did. I get so upset at myself because of how hard I am trying and how important this is to me that I go through a stage of complete disconnect, guilt and depression. Usually after a few days of this I tell myself that Hashem doesn't want be to feel guilty (at least not this way) because the guilt/depression is causing you to act out (and Hashem obviously doesnt want that...).

I found this to be particularly helpful, knowing that even though i was doing something terrible and maybe there would be a time to feel guilty, now isn't that time. Now is the time for a fresh start and a fresh start means no guilt, rather, a new day and a new opportunity.

This helps me get out of the rut, however, I can't seem to stay clean for more then 2-3 weeks. It can be anything from a hard day to seeing something etc. it's like something happens that makes me think "it's just not worth the fight this time" or "just do it and don't think".
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 04 Aug 2020 19:53 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 14:33 #347565

  • Dave M
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Welcome to GYE!  What you described is very similar to what many of us go through.  What I found helped me, was utilizing the many tools GYE has to offer.  Especially posting on the forum and chatting with other members.  Coming out of isolation is a big step in overcoming this challenge.  Through GYE, you will discover that you are not alone in this fight.  We all all in this together.  However, keep in mind that this is not something that can be overcome in 1 day.  Depending how deep you are in this, it will take time to pull yourself out, but whatever you do, do not give up and keep on fighting. 

What will probably happen, is you will have a pretty easy time staying clean for the next 2-3 weeks.  Once the excitement of starting this new journey wears off, that's when the real work begins...

Looking forward to following your journey to recovery. 

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 14:44 #347566

  • DavidT
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Hi avreich, 
From your post it seems that you are a very special individual. You worked so much on yourself and got very far in life. You might not realize this because the yetzer hora is trying to fool you with his clever tricks. 

To start I want to point out a few things that will give you a clearer perspective on these issues and some chizuk for going to the next level.

1) Hashem created desire. Not you. He gave it to us as a test, a charge to win our battles and reach greatness. Pretty much any desire you experience is normal. Everyone gets it and must fight through it. Never blame yourself for your impulses. All that matters is what you do with them.

2) Hashem wants to provide man with the opportunity to win his battles and truly accomplish. Challenges are only there to make us great! Succeeding despite the difficulty is the point of life! The harder it is, the greater it makes us.

3) We should not be harder on ourselves than our loving Father Who made the rules. If we mess up, we should give ourselves a pat on the back for working so hard and then plan how to get back on the right track. Then we should regret our mistake, do teshuva to clean it up, and move on. No matter what happens, we must remember that although our battles are tough they are also opportunities to succeed and reach greatness.

4) We must never forget that Hashem loves us despite our sins. No matter how badly we fall, Hashem still cares about us. He never gets angry with us, no matter how badly we sin.

5) When we stumble, we must remember that we sinned out of weakness, not rebellion. We might sometimes be overpowered by strong desires, but deep down, we want to be good. There will be times when we make mistakes. That is normal, because we are human. We must also be sure that our sins don’t destroy us by making us feel ashamed of ourselves. Instead, we must get back up, dust ourselves off, and continue to chase our aspirations.

6) A plan involving gradual change often is the best way to attain self-control. A person should start by focusing on one area of his battle against desire. He should firmly commit himself to keep a certain halacha or aspect of self-control. Alternatively, he can decide to exert self-control in one particular common situation.

7) It is important to stay motivated. One way to do this is to celebrate your successes. Take small steps toward change, and celebrate each time you get it right. Also, spend time thinking about the emotions you felt when you decided to change. Think about what you want to change, and exactly how you want to act when you face particular challenges. Then close your eyes and visualize yourself making those choices.

8) No matter how strong we become, we still need to work daily to stay alert and ready for the yetzer hara, who can strike at any moment. If we are unprepared, our feelings will instantly change, and we might even desire what we thought we would have no interest in. We cannot know exactly how the yetzer hara will make us feel. We must be ready so this does not happen. 

9) When we are caught off guard, we instantly change and our battle against desire intensifies. But if we catch ourselves and remember ideas that grant us clarity, we can overcome this incredible challenge and achieve some of the greatest successes ever.

10)  The yetzer hara is our biggest enemy. He works within our heads to destroy us before the battle even begins. By learning how to defuse his arguments, we will deal him a crushing blow in the most challenging and encompassing battle of all!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 15:01 #347567

  • Dave M
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DavidT wrote on 26 Feb 2020 14:44:
Hi avreich, 
From your post it seems that you are a very special individual. You worked so much on yourself and got very far in life. You might not realize this because the yetzer hora is trying to fool you with his clever tricks. 

To start I want to point out a few things that will give you a clearer perspective on these issues and some chizuk for going to the next level.

1) Hashem created desire. Not you. He gave it to us as a test, a charge to win our battles and reach greatness. Pretty much any desire you experience is normal. Everyone gets it and must fight through it. Never blame yourself for your impulses. All that matters is what you do with them.

2) Hashem wants to provide man with the opportunity to win his battles and truly accomplish. Challenges are only there to make us great! Succeeding despite the difficulty is the point of life! The harder it is, the greater it makes us.

3) We should not be harder on ourselves than our loving Father Who made the rules. If we mess up, we should give ourselves a pat on the back for working so hard and then plan how to get back on the right track. Then we should regret our mistake, do teshuva to clean it up, and move on. No matter what happens, we must remember that although our battles are tough they are also opportunities to succeed and reach greatness.

4) We must never forget that Hashem loves us despite our sins. No matter how badly we fall, Hashem still cares about us. He never gets angry with us, no matter how badly we sin.

5) When we stumble, we must remember that we sinned out of weakness, not rebellion. We might sometimes be overpowered by strong desires, but deep down, we want to be good. There will be times when we make mistakes. That is normal, because we are human. We must also be sure that our sins don’t destroy us by making us feel ashamed of ourselves. Instead, we must get back up, dust ourselves off, and continue to chase our aspirations.

6) A plan involving gradual change often is the best way to attain self-control. A person should start by focusing on one area of his battle against desire. He should firmly commit himself to keep a certain halacha or aspect of self-control. Alternatively, he can decide to exert self-control in one particular common situation.

7) It is important to stay motivated. One way to do this is to celebrate your successes. Take small steps toward change, and celebrate each time you get it right. Also, spend time thinking about the emotions you felt when you decided to change. Think about what you want to change, and exactly how you want to act when you face particular challenges. Then close your eyes and visualize yourself making those choices.

8) No matter how strong we become, we still need to work daily to stay alert and ready for the yetzer hara, who can strike at any moment. If we are unprepared, our feelings will instantly change, and we might even desire what we thought we would have no interest in. We cannot know exactly how the yetzer hara will make us feel. We must be ready so this does not happen. 

9) When we are caught off guard, we instantly change and our battle against desire intensifies. But if we catch ourselves and remember ideas that grant us clarity, we can overcome this incredible challenge and achieve some of the greatest successes ever.

10)  The yetzer hara is our biggest enemy. He works within our heads to destroy us before the battle even begins. By learning how to defuse his arguments, we will deal him a crushing blow in the most challenging and encompassing battle of all!

DavidT - this is one of the most amazing posts I've read.  It should be included in the GYE daily email.  And congrats on making 100 days!

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 16:25 #347569

  • balteshuva99
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Hi, my story is very similar to yours.  Honestly  I asked that question to myself many times. Two suggestions, 1. There is no struggle that goes to waste, every struggle is a building block to another more successful struggle. This means that if I hold off for one day or even five minutes before acting out, and then fail, I have succeeded. I have succeeded, because I have created a building block upon which my eventual full teshuva will stand. 2. I have recently joined this wonderful GYE community and for the first time I know the answer, NO! I will not suffer for the rest of my life; Yes! I will soon be healed and at peace with myself. The most powerfull tool for me has been the Mentors program and my wonderful mentor David. Hashem should bless him. The knowledge that I will have to give him a reckoning, the knowledge that he believes in me, the knowledge that he will be proud of me when I pull through, many times, was THE tool that got me past a tough urge. Hashem Imch GIbor Hachayil!

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 18:36 #347572

  • wilnevergiveup
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Wow! That was very inspiring! Thank you for the responses! Truly amazing posts!

Something that comes to mind when reading these posts: I used to think, "if only they (Rebbi/Rosh Yeshiva etc.) knew what I was going through, they wouldn't be so busy with all the other "less important" things". I realized though that this line of thinking was A. a mistake and B. a significant part of the problem. I realized, that the reason why I was thinking this way was, because "my problem" was actually pretty much all I was thinking about. Focusing so much on it so much caused me to slack off in other areas which then lead to depression which led to.... At the same time I realized that if I want to get anywhere, I need to strengthen (or at least maintain) myself in all areas and therefore realized that if my Rebbi knew then he probably would still focus on growing in all areas (and also include this).

To summarize, 1. I need to grow in all areas in order to succeed. 2. I can't make this the focus of my life, or else failure will be too difficult to deal with. 3. I need to work on being comfortable with who I am and realize that I am  growing and I am this terrible and evil person.

Okay, now the work begins.
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 18:51 #347573

  • Snowflake
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Welcome to GYE,

I think everyone has already given you great advice.
All I can think of is, try to make a real plan, with as much details as possible.
This is not something you can implement a few measures and hope to ward it off for the rest of your life. Fortunately or unfortunately we do have a "chronic illness" or if you prefer, constant opportunities of dominating our YH and bringing naches do H"KBH, depends on your view. Fact of the matter is, it's a long term thing. Now you're BH good, but what happens tomorrow when you're down? What happens when you're stressed, depressed, etc? You can make a plan now, while you're good and plan ahead. E.g. When I'm stressed and feel like acting out I'll just tell myself, I'm not saying no, but I'll first and foremost log here in GYE and share my feelings. I'll reach out, then I'll decide what will I do. (It's a great tactic to not say "no" to the YH, but rather, wait till I do this, and when you see it through, the urge is gone).
How are you going to keep yourself daily motivated?
What are your triggers? How do you fall?
If you answer all these questions, you should have a smoother flight. Surely, something will always catch us off guard. A bad sight, an unhappy incident C"V, etc. But the more we prepare, the better off we will be even for unplanned stuff.
Keep us posted!
אם יהיו חטאיכם כשנים, כשלג ילבינו

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 18:53 #347574

  • wilnevergiveup
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Just one more thought, I have been searching for something like GYE for a long time now (I don't have google search with my filter) because I was not willing to share my suffering with anyone. The feeling of being alone in the world with these challenges and no one to share them with was extremely overwhelming.
Finally finding GYE gives me a feeling of relief, like "wow this is exactly what I need". 
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 26 Feb 2020 18:59 #347575

  • Changing
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Welcome! You have come to the right place! Wishing you lots of hatzlocho in your journey!

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 27 Feb 2020 03:39 #347589

  • ColinColin
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Welcome.

There is a lot of good help on this website.
Take your time, read through various posts, see what works for you.

Mindfulness can explain self destructive behaviour.

Treat the urge to fall, as an external thought, rather than something that is part of you.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 27 Feb 2020 07:38 #347593

  • 686326Y
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Hello, I have also recently joined and just wanted to say hi. Feeling both extremely grateful to this amazing resource GYE and also overwhelmed and not sure where to start. It's been 3 days and the difference it has made to my happiness and Avodas Hashem is special 

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 27 Feb 2020 12:32 #347598

  • Hashem Help Me
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686326Y wrote on 27 Feb 2020 07:38:
Hello, I have also recently joined and just wanted to say hi. Feeling both extremely grateful to this amazing resource GYE and also overwhelmed and not sure where to start. It's been 3 days and the difference it has made to my happiness and Avodas Hashem is special 

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha! Maybe start your own thread, and while not identifying yourself, give us some background so the oilam can respond.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 28 Feb 2020 21:54 #347633

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Welcome. Why don't you check out this great ebook? 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 29 Feb 2020 21:11 #347637

  • wilnevergiveup
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Hi everyone, 7 days clean! B"H this week went well, no major triggers which makes me think that the real challenge lays up ahead.

Thanks for all the support, it really is a life changer for me, to be able to reach out and share with other caring people.

Marriage is a complicated thing, but being married in this situation is even more difficult. My wife and I have B"H a very good relationship and we generally share openly with each other. So on the one hand I would be devastated if she found out, but, on the other hand I really want her to know how hard it is for me. I feel so alone knowing that I can't share my struggles with my wife when I share everything else with her.

I guess it boils down to how devastated she would be if she finds out.

That being said, I told her about GYE and she knows what it's for but not more then that. She knows that I struggle with something and that I am working on it and is very supportive and views me as a growing person.
Will I ruin this by being straight up open with her?

I am curious what everyone's thoughts are.
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Am I going to suffer for the rest of my life? 01 Mar 2020 06:14 #347645

  • Hashem Help Me
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What does your wife think you are on GYE for?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
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