Hi everyone,
First I want to say that I am humbled and honored to be in the presence of such Giborei Koach, true warriors of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

I bh am not addicted to pornography.
I haven’t been on a porn website.
But I’m getting close, and I’m here to gain chizuk not to fall into it.
Once I return to Yeshiva I’m safe, but as long as I’m home I’m in danger, and bh I haven’t fallen into pornography. However it’s the next step, chalila.

I bh am running a camp, so I started keeping busy, so bh have only been nichshal once in the last 3 weeks.

i want to just express my gratitude to all of you, and my great admiration for each and every one of you.

My Yetzer tries telling me “comon, porn can’t be that bad, it’s just the word that sounds scary” or like “it can’t be so different than YouTube videos” 
So I’m here to gain that chizuk.

thank you!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Aug 2020 05:33:

Welcome!  First of all, I also want to reiterate what you said:

I am humbled and honored to be in the presence of such Giborei Koach, true warriors of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

I joined GYE a couple of years ago and the posts I read never ceases to amaze me.  This chevra radiates Kedusha. 

As it relates to your struggle.  I have to admit that I am jealous of you.  B'H you have never "crossed" to the other side.  Once you start going onto porn sites, it gets extremely difficult to break the habit.  So even though, you are feeling the desire to "check it out", take it from someone who's been there and rues the day he ever went there.  Hold on tight.  You can do it!  you'll breath big sigh of relief on your first day of zman.

@yeshivaguy I PMd you. Do you know how to access that? 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Aug 2020 05:33:

Take it from any of us, it's not worth it to even look once...we all rue the day we did and it takes alot of energy and time to fight out of this mess. I would give you all my money to get back my life prior to opening the box.

Thanks. I will stay strong, bezras Hashem.
its just hard to believe, what makes porn sites so much worse, addictive than videos on YouTube.
My chavrusa in Yeshiva told me there’s a big difference, so I trust him, and I trust you guys.
its just hard to imagine...
But I’m committed not to find out.
Bh I have gedarim, but it’s still hard because my home is full of unfiltered Internet.
but I’ve made it this far and will bezras Hashem make it.
shkoyach!

Trust the oilam here. DO NOT BE CURIOUS about this. Seeing this stuff even once will cause major damage rachmana l'tzlan! Keep your mind pure - and Hashem should allow for more bochurim to be able to say they have never entered the cesspool of pornography.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Aug 2020 20:00:

Have you had a discussion with your parents on the fact that you have knowledge of this issue? Perhaps ask them if they would be willing to install filtered internet, I’m not in your house and don’t know if your parents are supportive of you or not but generally they are and they will respect you if you ask them to filter due to the addictions that arise from these situations.

yes I’ve spoken to them many times over the years...
They don’t want filters on their computers. My little brother (who’s 6) has a laptop in his room unfiltered (I don’t wanna talk about it, too much agmas nafesh)... There’s access everywhere.
And we have many TVs in my house which can access YouTube on them and impossible to block it (already discussed with company)

My parents aren’t bad, they just don’t want filters on their own stuff and the prob is I can access all their stuff cuz there’s guest users, and they leave computers on etc etc

its a long story, it’s taken awhile for me to convince my parents that I had a prob, they didn’t believe me.
So one night in 12th grade, I went downstairs at around 1am to go on YouTube on the tv and somehow overcame it and I did something very gutsy.
I went upstairs to my parents room, brought down my father (this is past 1am) and showed him what I was about to do and said how I need help.
After that and other things, they finally believed me...
I’ve accepted the fact that it’s a makom nisayon here and if my mom sees me on the unfiltered computer she’ll call me to her, they are supportive but...
Anyway, Shkoyach for the eitza.
Being honest with my parents about this stuff is literally the only reason I haven’t watched porn.

I literally watched my chavrusa in 12th grade be destroyed before my eyes as I saw him every day in across the table from home after he spent the whole night watching porn.
All because he was too embarrassed to tell his parents about the problem. And even when he hinted, they were just too naive.
And now he’s a destroyed person, out of Yeshiva, and just trying to retain some semblance of self esteem...

shkoyach!

I always say that the only difference between me and my friends who have all watched porn, is that I felt comfortable enough with my parents to be honest with them.
Thats the only difference. I’m not some crazy tzadik. 
But my parents taught me since I was young to always be honest and not to be afraid of imperfection 

The fact that you were comfortable to broach this subject with your parents says something amazing about both you and your parents. Halevai... halevai... everyone would be like you guys.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 05 Aug 2020 03:56:

You have awesome parents!

Halevai all parents should be like that. 

I guess all that's left is for me to try to be that for my kids.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 05 Aug 2020 03:44:

That's amazing!  Realize how special you!  You clearly have siyata dishmaya. 

Wow!!! I feel so lucky to be part of the same nation as you!

(If you want some good resources to help you with this, please see my signature below.)

Ya... it’s just that for the last year I’ve struggled with inappropriate movie clips on YouTube, and    During this corona time I’ve seen pretty bad on YouTube, probably border line pornographic...

Though I’ve held back from porn sites, I know if I do that then it becomes way harder.
Im trying hard.
I thought by now (I’ve been home for almost 5 months) I would’ve been sucked in.
But the tide rises and it’s difficult. Gotta make it to Elul to return to Yeshiva.
The only way for me to not go on the unfiltered stuff is to just walk passed it, stay busy etc.
But I was worried I’d fall before returning to Yeshiva.
So I’m here.
And I thank you all for the chizuk and the support. 
you are helping to keep me afloat.

I find it incredible that you have the power to hold back and the willingness to do so. Keep strong and like others have mentioned, you can't undo the damage one you see it. With out going into many details I was exposed to hard core porn at a very young age. How I wish I never was exposed. It actually reconditions your brain in your development as you go on in life. Sad that we live in a society that exposes us to so much garbage via movies, tv and social media, if you can hold off you will be so happy down the line.