TzviFree wrote:

very nice i like your attitude

Thanks both for your replies.

I do feel, however, like the creatures in The Island of Dr. Moreau, who, after having tasted blood, are in danger of reverting back to their animal state. I too feel I'm more susceptible to the behaviors that I'm trying to leave behind.

Honestly not really sure what to do. As my earlier posts have stated, I don't know why I've been able to go this long without falling. I'm pretty much shocked.

Don't get me wrong, I try to not stare at things I shouldn't be looking at, I try to remind myself about my connection to Hashem, I try to make sure that I deal with the daily vicissitudes of life in a positive way. All that being said, when I start to feel that feeling, well, now what?

I truly don't know! If only it were that easy - oh, just push that button over there, and read these words here, Then you'll be fine!

Well, I know what DOESN'T work. Doing nothing, just trying to 'white knuckle' it out. I have found for myself that if I don't 'deal with it' (whatever that means), then it'll knock me over, maybe sooner, maybe later, but it will happen.

'Dealing with it,' though, is the issue. Sometimes I find that I need to listen to certain songs that make me cry. Sometimes I feel I need to watch something funny. And sometimes, like now, I just don't know!

Daven for me, please.

Deo juvante,
Tzvifree

It took me at least 90 days to put my finger on what made it for me

My thoughts and prayers are for you - my friend that I warmed my truck up with when I joined this amazing website

Zvi Ben ?

Lhatzlacha

And one day we need to start an "uplift me songs" thread, cos it's something that I really share with you, and we're not the only guys on the forum that have mentioned this...

markz wrote:


Fight for life by times of grace

markz wrote:


Thanks - you'll have to daven for 'Tzvifree' for now, I'm not very comfortable putting out my name.

cordnoy wrote:


At first I thought you were just being poetic. But of course I googled the phrase. Going to bed now, but will listen later, thanks!

It took me a while to train myself not to Google the cordnoyisms I didn't understand.
Generally, I'm better off not understanding...

Bigmoish wrote:


Amen to that.
You could be מביא גאולה לעולם and write that בשם אונא!

Bigmoish wrote:


Lol!

Funny, just read today in 'Positive Vision' exactly this idea, about trying to temper one's natural curiosity. It's extremely difficult for me, as I am inquisitive by nature...

Celebrate with me!!!

30 days!!!

I feel like Hashem gave me a 'head start' on this - the first two weeks or so, BH, were uneventful. Only in the past two weeks have I really faced the same struggles that I've faced in the past.

Last night, as I was going to bed, I was about to take the laptop with me. I told myself that I won't go to any illicit websites, I just want to watch a funny video on youtube, or read the news. And although almost every time I've done that in the past, it ended up leading to inappropriate images, I told myself, well, this time it's different. Like I've told myself so many times in the past...

And then I said to myself, "What am I doing?!?" I left the laptop in the living room. and BH went to sleep without an issue.

I had a thought this past Friday night - I was really struggling with my thoughts, and saying to myself that when my contract runs out, I'm going to go back to my old behaviors. I just can't take it anymore.

And when I thought to myself that I can't do that, I'll let down those on the forum, and ruin my streak, well, that thought just made things worse! I mentioned in the past that I need to leave 'room' to be able to, at some point, look at porn. Otherwise I will certainly fail now. However, I keep moving that point further and further down the road, and don't actually do it.

But now, when I realized I'm 'trapped' by my own success, by my streak, I felt stuck!

And then it hit me, tell me what you think -

The power of the Yetzer Harah is solely based on creating an illusion. Much like the mages of Paroh were unable to duplicate Aharon's feat with his staff, as they could only create the illusion of a snake, while Aharon's snake was real, the Y'H can only create the illusion of a problem.

I told myself I'm stuck, that I MUST continue the streak. And because I'm stuck, I felt like throwing in the towel now. But the truth is, I'm NOT stuck! I have bechira, I can choose, at any moment, to succeed and fail.

It's funny, I have to tell myself that I have the ability to fail, in order to give myself the ability to succeed. "הַעִדֹתִי בָכֶם הַיּוֹם, אֶת-הַשָּׁמַיִם וְאֶת-הָאָרֶץ--הַחַיִּים וְהַמָּוֶת נָתַתִּי לְפָנֶיךָ, הַבְּרָכָה וְהַקְּלָלָה; וּבָחַרְתָּ, בַּחַיִּים--לְמַעַן תִּחְיֶה, אַתָּה וְזַרְעֶךָ."

You have to have the ability to choose even the bad, in order to make a choice for good.

Amazingly, when I had that realization, the intense feelings melted away. And Hashem has given me another day.

Although I have BH reached 30 days, the feelings, at times, are still just as intense as day one. Perhaps I expected them to go away, but it's ok. I've spent a lifetime creating my addiction, I don't expect it to go away in 30 days.

With gratitude,
TzviFree

wishing you much hatzlacha

markz wrote on 12 Aug 2015 02:38:

test quote

How u been Tzvi? Don’t give up on yourself! Come back!