I figured I'll introduce myself here, and start writing my (hopefully) 90 day journal as well.

I'm from a yeshivish background, married, and have a couple of children.

I'm 30+, and have been looking at images since I was 10, though my struggles actually started before that. (8? 6?)

The longest clean streak I've ever had since then was about 14 days. That's right. 14 clean days in more than two decades.

I feel like I've tried 'everything.' Therapy, various programs (including something called Candeo, 12 Steps, and other programs)

There are times when I've decided that for whatever reason, Hashem wants me to go through life as an addict. There were other times where I felt that Hashem was rooting for me... Up and down, but mostly down.

I've been treated for depression, and B"H that's behind me. Through therapy I've made a lot of very positive changes in my life. But I just can't get through this addiction.

Although I've tried the Taphsic method before, it just caused me to lose A LOT of money. However, 13 days ago I tried a different approach. I made a neder that I'll give money to Hillary Clinton's campaign if I have a slip. And although the past two weeks have been, well, hell, I've been sober.

Sober, though, is a funny word. I haven't been sober, I just haven't acted out. I know that I have underlying challenges that influence my decision making, where I think that the computer is the best salve for my troubled soul. What my neder has done has given me the time to use other tools that I've learned along my journey.

Beforehand, it'd be stimulus-response. I feel angry-computer. Stressed?-computer.
Etc. In my mind, really being sober doesn't mean abstaining from the computer. We all know that if my computer was destroyed, I'd still be an addict. Sober, to me, means feeling serene. Able to properly handle the vicissitudes of life without being too shaken. "Veya k'eitz shasul al palgey mayim..."

This morning I had a slip. Well, I define it has a slip, perhaps others wouldn't, as it wasn't so clear cut. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that although I'm down over this incident, I'm satisfied that it didn't turn out a bad as it used to be. But, true to my neder, I have to give money to Hillary Clinton's campaign. (Do two wrongs make a right?)

I'm not taking my name off the 90 day chart, because I don't think the slip qualifies for that. So my journey continues...

Today is day 14.

My wife is a niddah, and has been for the past three weeks. We had a miscarriage then. We weren't stunned by the news, as we knew early on that this wasn't a viable pregnancy. It still hurt, though.

The silver lining in this is that I have the opportunity to really wean myself off of my dopamine drug. The hard part for me, though, is finding a suitable alternative. So far, music has been helpful. I'm hoping that, over time, my brain just doesn't need the same level of dopamine that I've been giving it for so many years.

Although I'm counting days, I'm really looking at this just one day at a time. I can't get overwhelmed - when I think about NEVER going back to the computer, I get really anxious. So, looking to be sober just for today

Welcome Tzvi,

You came to the right place. Many of us as well had this feeling that 'I tried everything'. I myself thought as well that for whatever reason it is not meant for me to really be clean. I try and if I fall, then that is what is meant to be.

When I came here and started the 90 days I was very skeptical that I will pull through a long streak. I new myself and was sure that 1 week will be nice, and anything more is a bonus. Little but little i was surprised that with mercy from Hashem and with the support of others here, I am still sober.

You are in a place that we all struggle the same or similar struggles. by opening up here and reaching out for help we get to the right tips that can lead us to sobriety.

keep it strong and keep it here.

Hatzlacha

Welcome

sorry i didnt read the whole thing.
The hillary line was the best ive seen today.
And im runnin' to a call on the 10th step.

will be back though

Dear Tzvi (don;t know if that's your real name or not, but we'll deal w that in a minute iyH),

Hi there and welcome!

1- Thanks for sharing so much. Your struggle is beautiful and I envy you in some ways. For one thing, you do not mention masturbating yourself, at all. Sex with myself really hurts a great deal, especially when I use porn or other erotic things (which bH I have not had to do for many, many years now in SA recovery) - it is sort of a makeh b'patish on it and seals my self-condemnation kachosem al libi...like sex with your wife seals something. Chaza"l tell us "ein isha koreses bris, ella im mi sh'oseh osah k'li", referring to sex - it seals the deal...whether it is with your wife, or with your hand.

So since all you wrote is that your have been struggling is with looking at images, I see you have been free of that, at least. Am I getting the right picture?

2- The great changes you've already made it your life, the therapy, meds, weaning off meds responsibly, semicha, getting married, trying to have children, lovingly supporting your wife through the miscarriage (we had one, too, first) - all these things demonstrate that you are a growing man.

That's rare.

You are with many of us here, in the upper crust of the human race. Ashreinu! But we often destroy ourselves by beating ourselves up for failures, as though we were trash.

But it does not seem you are caught in that trap. I am so happy for you, chaver, and encourage you to keep posting here - but don't stop there! Finding safe, good and sober friends to hang with here and anywhere.

And look out for weirdos.

1. Unfortunately, that's not really accurate. I wasn't sure how specific one can get on this forum (don't want to trigger anyone) but masturbating actually started before looking at images (that's what I was referring to my 'struggles' before 10. I know I was at least seven when I started and perhaps even younger!)

2. Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement. One of my many struggles is allowing myself to believe the words that you wrote. Like many things, it's a work in progress. I do think, though, that I'll let myself the luxury of admitting that you might be right. :D

I used to beat myself up so badly... I've learned (slowly) how to accept myself, and keep trying to move forward, and perhaps even upward.

I especially appreciated the quick responses - it's nice to know that there is someone out there listening.

And one more thing:

Even if your name is not Tzvi, you already gave away a lot of specific information about yourself (and your wife) that could be self-identifying.

Remember, anybody can and does read this forum. Jews, gentiles, trouble-makers, good people, evil - really evil and dangerous people, and your wife or neighborhood friends and family, too. Anyone.

So please consider being a bit more careful. If you choose to, you can even erase some possibly unnecessary details you wrote (like the miscarriage, your age, and recent semicha).

In this respect, and SA meeting is far safer than GYE. Walking into a live SA meeting and sharing all this (including bringing your face) has rarely endangered anyone. Iv'e been going to live meetings for 18 1/2 years with many frum and non-Jewish people, in frum, goyish, and my own neighborhoods for all these years as many others have - and my kids are getting great shiduchim, my job has not suffered, etc. Nobody knows where these meetings are - and no one comes into them, unless they are desperate first, themselves!

Curious onlookers do not actually walk into SA meetings and sit down with a bunch of perverts such as myself. Seriously.

But GYE has many, many curious onlookers to the forum. Many even read this entire forum without even getting membership or a username! It's a free and open forum for reading.

So just a thought.

- Dov

Thanks for the advice. For now, though, I will be keeping what I wrote. A lot of thought went into it, and I felt that I need to be as honest and open as I can handle.

FWIW, there were some details that I skewed, though the essentials are the same. At this point, if someone figures out who I am from my post, he likely already knows I have a problem.

Welcome. Sorry to hear about your pregnancy loss.
With all the experience you have, there's probably not much I can offer you other than a listening ear, but feel free to check out the links in my signature that I felt were helpful to me.
Hatzlocha

Although GYE is opened to many, I have not heard of any mishaps that came about because of tmi. but then again, what do i know?

You said you have tried the 12 steps but it didn't work; can you expound on that please?
I find therapy, openin' up to others in real time, meetin's, 12 steps, phone conferences....all very beneficial.

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:


I believe that at some point down the road, 12 steps may be very helpful for me. However, when I started it previously, I had too much other garbage in my head, and instead of it being a helpful way of life, it demanded overbearing perfection.

Whenever I attempted step 3, I became so anxious that, if anything, it exacerbated my addiction.

G.P.S. plenty Solutions

My Story | Unfiltered Device Schedule

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To help you pass the 1st hurdle and make it to 21 days, which is a challenge for me too, I want to partner with you for the next 7 days and match your donation to Hillary Clinton in a different way.
bl"n Every day that you keep climbing and don't slip I will donate $7 to a worthy charity of your choice. So keep me posted please a week from today - where to send my $50 check. Tzvi, we have a Deal?




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tzvi,
i feel i can relate to you (like im sure everyone one the forum can) with all of the ups and downs and guilt that come along with our addictions.

just a thought: something important in helping start my recovery was coming clean with my wife. Its painful, but it will cement your turn around and new, clean beginning. and she deserves it as she has been suffering along with you, whether she knows about the addiction or not.

another point that we all realize that we cannot rely on self motivation alone, rather, delve into what weekneses caused you to slip up. and to learn and be able to strengthen those weeknesses, to the point where a small slip up will not snowball into something bigger or something worse. the best way is probably through one on one sessions with an addiction specialist.
im new to this too and just signed up yesterday. i quickly came to realize the toeles of being able to be in touch with other GOOD people, who, like us, are suffering from addictions.

hatlacha rabbah
may we continue to hear your continued success in the 90 day journal.

fresh start wrote:


mr fresh start,

its nice that you came on the site and are takin' strides in recovery, but givin' advice as an expert on thin's which are very sensitive and dangerous can be counterproductive.
You say he should tell his wife cuz you came clean with your wife. firstly, let's remember that you didn't come clean; she caught you. Secondly, it is workin' well with you, and that is marvelous, but it doesn't always work that way. Tellin' a spouse prematurely can have terrible ramifications.

I have what to comment about the second part, but I will leave that.

My apologies for soundin' a bit tough, but we are dealin' with people's lives here and I take that very seriously. Please don't hesitate to keep on postin' here and on other threads; you seem like you have a lot to offer.

b'hatzlachah

Tzvi,
The fact that you're sharing information gives me a lot of chizuk because it helps me with my own disease to hear how people with similar stories have similar ups and downs. I have gotten to 90 days but only twice in the last 20 years or so, but this is my first round reading and posting on these forums and I believe it's making a big difference. Besides the connection and validation, it keeps me focused and reminded of all the other yesodos of recovery, the steps, etc.
So thank you and wishing you much inner strength and help from Above!

markz wrote:


We certainly do, thank you!!!

fresh start wrote:


I understand what you're saying, and in fact, have spent a lot of hours on that decision. I spoke to my Rebbi, two therapists, and an addiction specialist. After all that, I've decided, for now, to try to keep my secret as my secret.

rav etzlo wrote:


I'm glad to hear that I've been helpful, thank you, and hatzlacha!