Hello all,

I'm in my late 20s and have been masturbating since I was 12. By the time I found out it was wrong I was so used to it I couldn't stop. I saw lots of pornographic pictures online but wasn't addicted until I discovered pornographic videos. I tried hundreds of times to stop but when the inevitable fall happened I despaired of ever fully recovering. That changed about a year ago when I started really trying to stop and when I fell I got right back up.

However, I'm far from recovered. The longest I've gone is 40 days with no P or M. I found GYE a few weeks ago and joined last week. I think it's fantastic that we have a frum site on this. And, it's much better organised that goyishe equivalents.

So here I am trying to kick the habit of a lifetime for a lifetime. I'm interested in the 12 steps although I don't fully understand how they work. But here goes:

Hi, my name's Qi and I'm a porn addict. Porn has damaged my life considerably. It affected my school work when I stayed up till 2 am looking at it. It affected my learning when I needed to leave mid seder to M. It affected my shidduchim in a profound way. It made me depressed when shidduchim were hard. It affected my shteiging because nothing else matters compared to this. It affected my moods. It affected my relationship with my family. It affected my relationship with HKBH.

When I first found out it was wrong I still didn't know how bad it was. I'm ashamed to admit this but I actually masturbated on Yom Kippur once. HKBH please have mercy on me and forgive me.

I will say all of sefer tehillim if I masturbate once (until motzi zerah) before borchu on first night shovuos, unless I forget that I made this neder or am unable to say the tehillim for reasons beyond my control.

step 2. I believe beyond any shadow of doubt that HKBH can help me do teshuvah. He can if I let Him fix my mind to get rid of the tumah and the goyishe influences that cloud my brain. He can make it as if I had never done this aveiroh and I would be like a newborn. He can take away from me the desire to do the aveiroh and help me make positive changes in my life.

I'm struggling a bit with number 3. It seems to be basically bitochon which is an extremely difficult middah to work on. How can it be part of the process of recovery when it's such a high madreigoh to get to?

Also, how long are the steps supposed to take? In a way I could do them all in a few minutes but I'm guessing that that's not doing it right. How am I supposed to do it in practice?

Why don't you join one of the many anonymous 12 step phone conferences that are available? I think you will get a much better understanding.

Check this out guardyoureyes.com/tools/calls .

I'd like to but all the numbers are American and I live elsewhere, making it too expensive. Plus, my wife doesn't know that I struggle with this and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

qi wrote:


I told my wife and she didn't throw me out of the house.

reallygettingthere wrote:


I hope you appreciate how lucky you are.

In any case, can someone help me with step 3 please?

qi wrote:


many hasidim have the tradition to say the whole sefer tehilim on the second day of shavuot

since that is King David's yohrtzeit.

so you can say tehillim

but God should help that you shouldn't NEED to say tehilim


good luck!

I think I am going to join you on this kabala

qi wrote:

This one has Israel numbers guardyoureyes.com/component/zoo/item/big-book-study-group?category_id=126 .

Are you unable to make a phone call without your wife knowing?

If you are not going make a phone call, you can read the AA or White book. There are also recordings about the program here www.silkworth.net/freestuff.html . It's for alcoholics, but it is the same idea no matter what the addiction.

You can also check out this thread created by Eye.nonymous. It has tons of great stuff: http://guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/141444-BIG-BOOK-STUDY-THREAD-(or-The-Twelve-Steps-Demystified)#141444 .

Also from eye AKA Elyah: guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/additional-tools-for-recovery?category_id=150 .

This should be more than enough to get you started.

qi wrote:


Not really. Im inherently a selfish pig...

but that much I do know.

Like the story from R' Nachman Breslover with the wheat that made everyone crazy...

I'm a bochur so this isn't relevant to me, but I'd like to ask an academic question:

In principle, is it better to try solving the problem without letting your spouse know, or is it part of the recovery process / is it essential to let them know?

It's definitely better to let your spouse know (In my case that meant after I was able to say that I was honestly working it).

The sooner she knows about the problem the sooner she will be more in tune with you struggle. This will help shalom bayis.

My personal experience is that if Sholom Bayis is OK, you may make things worse by letting your spouse know.

MT

Chachaman wrote:


It depends on the situation. The general advice I've seen here is that if you have a certain amount of sobriety under your belt (pardon the pun ) you can tell her, but you should have the help and advice of a rav or therapist that can help the 2 of you through a tough time.

From my own experience and from what I've read here. It is gehenom at first, but very helpful over time and can actually bring husband and wife closer together.

I thought you'd like to know that I now need to say all of sefer tehillim. I was fighting a strong urge for a few days and in the end it was too much.

All my confidence in my ability to do this is gone. I just don't know how to change permanently.

OK, I'm going to bed now, I'll try again, as of now.