The following was originally posted in my thread.
I have been asked to post the method I use to stay clean. To be honest, when I first started, I didn't really have any method. I just decided to stop and I did. Along the way, I've picked up some gems of wisdom and found myself giving them over to others who have also seen some success using them.
I will attempt to start posting some of those tips here. As we are on a continuing journey, I'm sure I will always be adding things to it.
#1: A commitment to stop -
This is the first thing that must be made. Sometimes this comes from inspiration that we see, or something that we feel. I know for me, I started coming to Guard Your Eyes and snooped around without any commitment for a few months. Many times I had the browser open with one tab on GYE and the others on pure shmutz. I was here, but without the commitment, so no change was happening. Then one day, particularly after being steeped in garbage, I decided that I had had enough. I decided to stop.
Many people on here say that they want to stop. The thing is that though they have that feeling, a large part of them doesn't really want to let go of the stuff. It simply feels too good.
We need to make a firm decision. Have we had enough or not? Are we ready to give up the pleasures in order to lead a much happier life?
If the answer to that is yes, we're on our way.
#2: Let go of the past, forget the future, live the present -
Many of us are plagued by thoughts of our pasts. We have failed so many times in the past, why will this time be any different? Is it just a matter of time before I’ll fail again? Why bother?
We need to realize that each moment, each choice, and each action is independent of the ones before and after it. We need to let go of the past, it doesn’t matter what happened back then (even 5 minutes ago!), and it really doesn’t matter if I might fall in the future. We need to live the present and concentrate on making the right decisions when we are faced with them moment by moment.
#3: Negative programming, positive programming -
This is somewhat tied into letting go of the past and the harmful messages we’ve been telling ourselves.
I heard this concept from an expert salesman. He says that a lot of sales people are so afraid of the word no, they are constantly coming up with excuses to push off their sales calls. In the morning when they get to the office they tell themselves, "It's way too early, I don't want to seem too eager! I'll make the calls later." A couple of hours pass and then the excuse changes to, "They're probably going out to lunch. I'll call afterwards!" After lunch, time has to be given to allow the prospective client to get settled in by their desks. Then when they're finally ready to make the call, they glimpse at the clock and, "Oh well, the day is practically finished. Don't want to call them as they're getting ready to leave the office! I'll call tomorrow!" The excuses and procrastination are made using different words, but the real message going through their mind is, "They'll say no and I'm going to be a failure as a salesperson!"
In order to combat this, he says, a salesman has to literally talk to himself, smile and say things like, "I am great! I can sell anything to anyone!" Over and over again, you say these things and you're recording it into your subconscious to be retrieved later when you need it.
If we are telling ourselves things like, “It’s only a matter of time before I fail, I always fall after X amount of days, when I see such and such I have no choice but to fail, etc.” we are not failing! We are doing exactly what we said we’d be doing!
We need to change these messages and replace them with positive messages. “With Hashem’s help, I will make the right choices as they present themselves to me, moment by moment!”
#4: Be aware of underlying issues -
The only instance the past is important, is to learn from it. What was going on in the past that made us feel the need to indulge?
For most of us, it’s to escape parts of our lives that are too painful to live. Let’s face it, doing this stuff makes us feel good, temporarily. It’s like taking a Tylenol - temporary pain relief. All it really does is mask over the feelings for a few fleeting moments. As soon as we’re done, the pain comes flooding back, only this time with much much more strength, because now we have the added anguish of having allowed ourselves to sink so low.
We all have underlying issues. Usually it comes in the form of stress, whether it be marriage problems, money issues, anxiety over an upcoming event, self-pity, or anything like that. It’s important to realize what issues we’ve been trying to run away from and learn how to deal with them in a healthy way.
Staying clean without working on the underlying issues is like mowing over weeds without pulling out the root. It may look nice to start out, but eventually, they will grow back.
#5: Don’t actively count the days -
I’m not really for the 90-Day Challenge for a couple of reasons.
1) It keeps you focused on trying to “make it through” each day when really we should just be living our lives.
2) It could give us the false expectation that as soon as we make it to 90, we are cured. As guys, it is normal to have sexual curiosities and cravings, we will live with that for the rest of our lives. Giving into those cravings in an inappropriate way, at any point in our lives, has the potential to bring us back to square one.
I recommend writing your start date and time somewhere and once in a while, or when someone asks you how far along you are, you can look it up and make the calculations. This could encourage you and the questioner to keep on going and to be thankful to Hashem for giving you the strength to get that far.
#6 : Be aware of positive changes -
After a few days, you are probably noticing some of the positive effects of being clean. Savor the good feelings and remember them. Is your relationship with your wife or other people you deal with on a regular basis improving? With me, my wife began noticing the change in me before I even let her know I was working on myself, and she said so. When the little cravings would try to get at me, I would tell them that I was much happier being clean and promptly dismissed them. On the flip side, I would...
Remember the negative consequences of giving in -
Remember how falling would really make you feel after the short-lived high, the impact it would make on your relationships, the way it made you feel like you were living a double life, etc. It's just not worth it.
#7: If you know Alef, teach Alef -
The Lubavitcher Rebbe would tell people that nobody knows too little to teach others. If you know Alef, he would say, teach Alef. Reach out to others, if something works for you and it could help others, rather than keeping it to yourself, share it with others who it could help. We are often unaware of the wellsprings we have inside of us. Often when someone asks me about something they're having trouble with, I ask them what they would tell an imaginary friend who just logged on with that exact issue. Usually their advice is really good! When we teach others, we are teaching ourselves. When we help others, we are helping ourselves. Each time we share how we should be looking at a situation, we are reinforcing it in our minds.This is one of the first things I started doing and it has helped me tremendously.
#8: Everything is hashgacha pratis -
There are guys I speak to on here who are down because they are single and want so badly to get married.
There are other guys who wish they were still single because they long for the freedom that being single allowed them, or because they wished they could deal with their issues without it affecting their wife.
I've met guys who so badly want kids.
I've met guys who long for the days when they had uninterrupted quiet time with their spouse.
In short, the grass is always greener on the other side.
Things not going the way you had envisioned it?
Smile and relax, it's ok.
Everything that happens in this world is Hashem's doing and everything Hashem does is good. We think we know how things should be. Hashem knows how things should be. We have just one piece of the jigsaw puzzle, Hashem sees the whole picture. Everything is being orchestrated precisely for our own good. If we're in a situation, even if it's a difficult one, we can relax knowing that the sole purpose of the situation we are in is for us to grow.
Be the best you can be in the situation you're in!
#9: The only person I can control is myself -
Sometimes the people around us behave in ways that make us angry or upset. Sometime women on the street aren’t dressed properly. We can’t control how they behave. We can only control how we react to them. When it comes to people we deal with who get us down (a wife, parents, siblings, for instance), sometimes it just takes some understanding and putting ourselves in their shoes. It won’t necessarily change things, but it could help us tolerate the behavior, and respond appropriately. If it’s a woman on the street, we have the choice to drink in the sight or to look away. If the situation is one that we are incapable of changing, we can remember what was written above regarding hashgacha pratis and grow from the situation.
#10: Ivdu es Hashem b’simcha! -
It’s a very big mitzvah to be happy and to serve Hashem with joy. In fact, it’s just impossible to serve Hashem properly when we’re down. The yetzer harah (the selfish part of us) is very much aware of this and therefore, it doesn’t really care so much if we sin, what it wants is for us to get all sad about it. Why? Because sadness breeds more reason to make ourselves feel better and the YH always has good ideas of how to go about doing that... (What he conveniently lets us forget is how miserable we feel after!)
Feel like acting out? Find something to smile, laugh, be happy about, and give the YH the boot!
#11: Did you slip or fall? -
Just breathe, it’s ok. We’re working on a middah that in most cases has become an ingrained habit over many years. Though we’re trying, it’s a bit unrealistic to expect to change things completely overnight, or even in a few weeks or months. The minutes, days, or months are not lost. They are a huge accomplishment that we need to continue to build upon.
Take a moment to reflect. What worked, what didn’t work? What can you tweak to do better?
The important thing is to be thankful to Hashem for giving us the strength to achieve what we were able to achieve and ask for more strength to continue. Pick yourself up, wipe off the dust and keep on moving forward. B’ezras Hashem you will grow in ways you never imagined and your life will be the happiest it can be!
#12: Asking Hashem to take it away -
A few days ago, I was having a really tough time controlling my thoughts. Out of desperation, I thought to myself, "There are guys on GYE who say that they just ask Hashem to 'take away the lust,' and they say that it works. Why not give it a shot?"
I didn't verbalize it, there were people around, I just thought it: Hashem, I'm having a difficult time with these thoughts. Please take them away from me.
Poof! They disappeared immediately.
Why does this work?
I think the answer is that when we're asking Hashem to help us through it, we are forcing ourselves to think about Him, even if it's on the most basic level. Intrinsically we know that these desires are all about making ourselves feel good, throwing Hashem and all other victims to the sidelines. If I believe in Hashem enough to ask Him to help me through a hard time, I'm putting Him at the center of it all and then there's no room for entertaining such thoughts and desires.
May we all have the strength to keep Hashem at the center of our lives and ask Him for help when we need it.
