Gut Moed,
Got taiva and experiencing the “Might as well” syndrome...
Gonna try distract myself and maybe chap some matza pizza.

Dear YG & All the other guys. 
I know I may be posting on the wrong forum, but I just want to share how I almost fell.
Dear members,
For some reason I was having a hard time on Thursday. It may have been mixed emotions for being in a little scuffle with my wife, or simply just lust. I was googling lots of things which I should not have. My filter BH never let me see anything.
But there is one website that I could get on, which os amazon. For me if I am in a bad mood amazon is where I can fall. I almost fell BH I was able to stop it from coming out at the last second.
I was beside myself. It took me a few days to get over what I had done. I almost wasted 615+ days.
I was very upset at myself. I made a new commitment over the forst days to be careful and to make sure I dont fall.
I guess it was a learning experince and a dip to get me back on track.
Every time I posted that I was going to fall, you guys were always there for me and I am BH very grateful.
Dear YG, I understand very well how you feel as I am in the same boat as you. 

Gut moed..

Eyes

Just ate, my fathers goin out to do a chaveirim call, would like to chap arein the computer upstairs.....
First seder was fine. Seacond Seder was nuts, crazy guests etc, was very difficult... but anyway, they had a daughter and BH! She was ugly but I still checked out her body parts a shtikl...

Today walking home from shul there were girls in front of me for a few moments. 
I was able bh to keep my head down. The clicking of their heels was KILLING me!!
Somehow managed to just keep walking.

Anyway, I want a girl in my life I want a relationship.
Now they just left and I really don’t wanna be nichshal.
It’s rough here at home and the sedarim were very rough...
At the 2nd seder the father of the ppl who came was making fun of me etc about eating the k’zaysim of matza etc. whatever, very passive aggressive and difficult, nows not the place to discuss.
Bh I mantained composure and withheld my many sharp lines I could’ve said.
It was hard but I just closed my eyes and ate my matza, ignoring the guys insecurity...

YeshivaGuy wrote on 30 Mar 2021 02:28:

It’s an old custom!!
...מצוה לחלק לתינוקות קליות ואגוזים”

I want to be nichshal.
I really really do.
Gn

Pleeeaaase don't.
Up now as well (trying hard to learn, but loads on my mind)
Let's be virtual chavrusos in gevura.
With you all the way, my dear friend.
IMG

I pulled through bh

Lying in bed about to masterbate. Trying to hold back but...

I just fell again.



This isn’t me. I don’t need this.

Im making a small goal.



Im home for 9 more days.

My goal is no computer, no touching, and no lying on my stomach for that period of time.

If I succeed at that, then I will celebrate with dougies.



(Note: I have a comprehensive plan tentatively worked out for once I return to Yeshiva. It entails leaving my iPhone at home, speaking to GYE guys few times a week, and checking in to the site at least once a week).



It is humbling, watching my guf temporarily usurp my Olam Hakatan.

I must reassert my Neshama-enabling it to rank supreme in my “world.”



I am not a victim.

I am a Baal Bechira.

I chose to destroy and I choose now to rebuild.



Waking up late, going to the zoo(where I was not so great with Shmiras eynayim), barely learning, and plenty of free time, don’t make for a conducive context for כבישת היצר.

At like 2:30am was exhausted and had taiva, and once I lay on my stomach I was finished...



I fought hard these past 7 days.

I had moments where I stood in front of the computer with overwhelming taiva and walked away.

Maybe I should post about accomplishments like that too...





Let it be known that under all this dirt,tuma, and filth, is a heart a neshama which beats to the rythym of Kavod Shamayim and seeks to live a life of complete התבטלות to רצון ה׳.

That is a goal I will reach.

Or at least will die trying.

Mark my words.



With endless determination and will,



YeshivaGuy





(Note: I sounded super positive and determined, but l’maaseh idk guys, not sure I can do this. Idk if I have it in me to be pure... Wow it’s almost 4am, I better head to sleep. Thought I should let y’all know how I feel inside...)

YeshivaGuy wrote on 31 Mar 2021 06:36:


Marked!

Wow, as much as it is hard for you to feel like you are starting all over again (although you are really not; you have all those 200 days, you didn't lose them), you still have such a great positive attitude. 
You are so in touch with yourself.
You're really amazing!
And yeah you should post all those accomplishments...

I fell after 115 days some time ago, it wasn't easy to start again, but you know something now that I did I really feel like a better person. It's like, yeah, I am in charge. Just because I fell so many times it doesn't mean I can't start having a clean streak...
I'm sure you could do.
You do have it in you to be pure, everyone does.

With lots of admiration
HappyYid

Masterbated again.
Ive lost all will and drive to fight...
Maybe one day I’ll have good news for u guys.
Maybe...

(Both of these falls were after 3am and should be pointed out that I had forgotten on both days to take my depression meds. 
I think the sleep thing is a big point cuz usually I use melatonin to fall asleep, and I wasn’t sure if was kosher lpesach so not using it. So unfortunately resorted to this destructive way of falling asleep.
As well, this fall was after like 4 hours of hitler documentaries, was interesting but kept me up way too late).

Just A,
Guy

(Note: Since I woke up in the morning, my heart was pounding with taiva. Throughout the day I would even be gripped with taiva so much that I’d need to sit down to breath it was so powerful. Just sayin)

So painful. 

We are still here with you, through thick and thin.

I am davening that you should be able to pull yourself out of this funk soon.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

To paraphrase a Choshuva Yid I know, “You can take a guy out of Yeshiva, but you can’t take the Yeshiva out of the guy”.

Even though you’re going through a rough streak right now, you are still not the same person you were last year. IYH you will pull yourself out of the mud and keep rising, and you will see that it is easier than the first time because you’re starting from a better place. 

And ask a Rov about the melatonin chances are that it’s ok. 

I know how you feel. Exactly how you feel.