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"Just regular movies "
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TOPIC: "Just regular movies " 1621 Views

"Just regular movies " 12 Jul 2020 13:59 #352460

  • Grant400
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A few days ago I started a topic in the balei batims forum about how I'm addicted to regular movies. How it takes up way too much time like sometimes till 5am. How I adore them in an almost worshipful manner. How it takes up too much of me.
 Well I've just had a rude awakening. You see what I've also struggled with only a few times in the past was exploring regular Hollywood movies that had inappropriate content like nudity...nothing to graphic but enough to get aroused. I have only done this a few times. It only happened on rare occasions and I always got it in check with tricks or a knas etc. I completely got passed it and stopped and haven't done it in like 2 months. And during those months I grew immensely in shmiras einayim in all aspects. I was convinced that I was safe. So the only problem was just my addiction to movies.
 Lo and behold out of the blue last night I fell so completely unexpectedly. This led me to view a few inappropriate pictures too. Nothing crazy just something I thought I conquered. Oh well now I really gotta kick my movie habit if it leads to this. I am resetting my 90 day count and will iyh try to stop movies all together. Still gonna watch clean comedy with wife but no more movies by myself unsupervised and at all hours. So my 90 day count will be in regard to movies, viewing inappropriate material and HZ"L (not really a problem but another geder wont hurt). I'm posting here to hold myself accountable. 

Re: "Just regular movies " 12 Jul 2020 14:33 #352462

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you are a hero.similar issue as well here. Thank you for sharing

Re: "Just regular movies " 16 Jul 2020 15:22 #352658

  • Dave M
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Grant400 wrote on 12 Jul 2020 13:59:
A few days ago I started a topic in the balei batims forum about how I'm addicted to regular movies. How it takes up way too much time like sometimes till 5am. How I adore them in an almost worshipful manner. How it takes up too much of me.
 Well I've just had a rude awakening. You see what I've also struggled with only a few times in the past was exploring regular Hollywood movies that had inappropriate content like nudity...nothing to graphic but enough to get aroused. I have only done this a few times. It only happened on rare occasions and I always got it in check with tricks or a knas etc. I completely got passed it and stopped and haven't done it in like 2 months. And during those months I grew immensely in shmiras einayim in all aspects. I was convinced that I was safe. So the only problem was just my addiction to movies.
 Lo and behold out of the blue last night I fell so completely unexpectedly. This led me to view a few inappropriate pictures too. Nothing crazy just something I thought I conquered. Oh well now I really gotta kick my movie habit if it leads to this. I am resetting my 90 day count and will iyh try to stop movies all together. Still gonna watch clean comedy with wife but no more movies by myself unsupervised and at all hours. So my 90 day count will be in regard to movies, viewing inappropriate material and HZ"L (not really a problem but another geder wont hurt). I'm posting here to hold myself accountable. 

This is something I completely relate too.  Even when I start my clean streak from P&M, I was still watching "clean" moves and shows.  However, I realized that this was only making the fight much harder.  Based on something someone posted last summer, I finally admitted to myself that I needed to stop the movies too.  Since then the fight has gotten easier.  I know its hard to let go of movies.  But one needs to be honest with himself.  In the long run, he'll be happier.  The fight is hard as it is.  Why do we need to making harder?

Re: "Just regular movies " 17 Jul 2020 15:12 #352704

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Soooooooo..... basically today is day #6 and I can proudly say that I haven't watched a movie (I still watch clean stuff with wife a little) since last motzai shabbos. I probably would've watched between 7 and 10 minimum. So just a few thoughts. 
1) The fact that I started to wake up earlier definitely helped because I was much more tired at night which helped it not be such a big battle. 
2) To a certain extent I almost have a feeling of liberation. Yes I loved the movies but at the same time I felt I also MUST watch them bec if I have a subscription and it includes this amazing movie then its almost "Baal tashchis".
3) At the same time...I bumped into a TV show I always wanted to watch ...and it was included in one of my subscriptions (I literally have all)....was hard not to watch it ..so I decided not to browse anymore through the movies bec it just entices me and makes it more difficult. 
4) Wow! I didn't see any s** scenes this week! Obviously they aren't so graphic in regular movies (but still pretty darn bad) but we all know how it still makes our hair stand on end. I never knew just how much it effected me and made everything so much harder. (No pun intended) 
5) Just worried about the long summer days...when I'm bored with a few hours to kill... gonna need alot of courage! 
6) Going to start reading more. Try to replace with kosher hobby like MenachemGYE says.
Last Edit: 17 Jul 2020 15:14 by Grant400.

Re: "Just regular movies " 20 Jul 2020 16:12 #352775

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6) Going to start reading more. Try to replace with kosher hobby like MenachemGYE says.


Hi Grant 400,

Looks like your doing amazing. I would just say (and I hope this is not too controversial ) is to watch out for what you read. To "replace it with kosher hobby", would mean to me something that can put not-desired drives to rest - not fulfilling them in another way which as we know just leads us back to where we began... A person can get into books and go through what you have with movies the same way...If the source is boredom I would say to find projects to get busy with. If you still crave drama etc. find a kosher way to use that talent. just my two cents . Hatzlacha!
When I meet the Almighty, if I can't be a proudly standing soldier proclaiming victory for Him, I at least want to be a haggard, wearied, fallen, but loyal soldier; Looking down and saying "I did my best". 

Re: "Just regular movies " 20 Jul 2020 16:52 #352776

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Thank you for your point. Its true many books (I used to read/love) were full of "literary pornography". I try to lay off those and stick more with biographies and nonfiction...although not 100% clean they usually aren't designed to turn someone on.....

Re: "Just regular movies " 20 Jul 2020 20:11 #352780

Whoo, Grant, seems your doing great.

I also used to struggle with movies and TV shows. I could binge watch half a season a day, it was crazy. Going to yeshiva where I had long periods of no acs essto movies helped me kick the habit. I only occasionally get a pang of 'oh I wanna watch that show' nowadays, baruch Hashem.

What I'm saying is, in a funny way, this was a fight I never really  had to wage. I just watched movies, went to yeshiva, and then I didn't. But I know that many times back when I did watch I wanted to quit, but I never had the guts. Never had the willpower. So you've no idea how much I respect you and your courage in breaking this addiction. 

Have you thought about reading some biographies of tzaddikim etc? They can be quite lighthearted and fun, and whilst maybe not as well written as some of the goyshe ones, they can be quite inspiring. And I've heard the jewish book 'vanqueshing the dragon' is also good, but I've never read it myself.

Anyway, keep up inspiring me as you always do.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: "Just regular movies " 21 Jul 2020 01:22 #352790

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Two points on the matter that have been helpful to me:
1) I have some trouble with getting sucked down the YouTube rabbit hole. I found this great browser extension (I use it on chrome, don't know about others) called remove youtube recommended, which gets rid of all suggested videos in the home page and while watching another video. Has been extremely helpful. There are also ither extensions that you can use to limit how much time spent on certain sites. For example, if a person wants to cut down in binging but doesn't want to get rid of a subscription they can set a limit of like 45 mins a day which gives a hard cap of 2 episodes. Check out StayFocusd and Limit if you are interested.
2) some might disagree with me in this point, but i think that it's important to not conflate wasting time online or whatnot and shmiras eynamim. Yes, they can sometimes be related, but if one decides to not do it because it's a potentially harmful activity in its own right (wasting time etc) then if you end up bingewatching you don't have to feel down on your shmiras eynamim. Connecting every mistake in every area of life back to shmiras eynamim, or blaming all failures on it is in my personal experience harmful to the goal at hand. Other less conteversial examples: going to shul late, and feeling like you slipped/gets your fighting spirit down. Getting angry at someone and feeling like you slipped/gets your fighting spirits down.
Not saying these aren't things to feel guilty about, only that it is extremely unhelpful for all guilt to default back on weakness in shmiras eynamim.
(((Just to clarify, watching very innapropriate videos, shows and etc and not calling it a slip/fall in shmiras eynamim is foolish. But watching 4 hours of slightly inappropriate material might be a minor infraction in shmiras eynamim but a major one in terms of not wasting time)))

Re: "Just regular movies " 21 Jul 2020 02:18 #352792

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Thanks ITK for the pat on the back...always appreciated! 
JJ: You make a phenomenal point about not linking separate issues together because if I fall in one I might fell like a failure in the other thereby causing a worse acting out. In response to your other points I'm going to repost my original posts in the BB forum here and I'd appreciate everyones opinions. You guys are great! 

 Regarding the YouTube I NEVER allowed myself access...I would be hopeless! 
Last Edit: 21 Jul 2020 02:20 by Grant400.

Re: "Just regular movies " 21 Jul 2020 02:23 #352793

  • Grant400
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This was my original post on the BB forum:

Hi there. I'm struggling with movies. Not dirty movies. Clean (or however clean) Hollywood movies. My problem with them is threefold.
1) I am a kollel yungerman and it doesn't feel right to learn the whole day yet still be deeply entrenched in secular culture. 
2) Obviously there are triggering scenes, attractive women and improper language. 
3) I watch way too much.  Meaning I stay up real late at night watching (till 3am or 5 or even.... )and the next day I am not only bombed but also my head is filled with scenes from the movie (which I'm dissecting, as explained later)and it's hard to concentrate by davening and learning. I have put time locks on my device and split the code with my wife in the past and that worked for a while. It still works when it's on but I always have reasons to unlock it and then I "conveniently " forget to reset. I beg my wife not to unlock it for me EVEN when I ask but she rightfully says that shes not my babysitter. (I bet some of u guys wish your wives would say that;).
I gave a friend a check for an extremely large amount of money and told him to deposit it if I don't stick to the rules we made but after losing the first amount I couldn't bring myself to tell him I broke it and he should deposit my second (even larger) check.
I tried to quit cold Turkey and it lasted a little -like a week or two but....you know...
My main problem is is that I Love, Love, Love, cinema-theater-movies-tv shows. I adore them. I dissect them. I worship acting, actors, choreography, directors, camera angles and lighting. I don't just have the regular enjoyment that most people have for movies. For me it's an obsession. But I feel like I'm living with two focuses on life ( religion and Spielberg) bec it takes and makes up so much of me.Truthfully I wouldn't have a problem from a yiddishkeit point of view-watching a movie or two a week but by me (in all areas of life;) it's all or nothing. 
Part of the problem why I cant quit entirely may be that my wife and I  love watching nice clean shows together at night or when we eat. Like cooking...and real harmless shows, even animated and that entices me to watch more bec once I'm on Netflix or HBO or Amazon prime I see other content that I MUST watch because its a "Spielberg" or a new Matt Damon movie, and it also just whets my appetite -sorta like an alcoholic taking just "one" shot of something... I've quit many bad habits in the past including a few things that are generally considered harder to break than harmless movies...but for me this is the hardest.. so I know all you fellows on GYE have dealt with a lot of quitting in different areas of life so I thought it fitting to reach out on this platform and ask you guys advice (I posted on this forum bec I wasn't sure which one was more suitable...this seems to have more of a breadth of topics)
  Thank you in advance. 
                  Your friend Grant
Last Edit: 04 Sep 2020 12:27 by Grant400.

Re: "Just regular movies " 21 Jul 2020 02:40 #352795

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I was reading the GYE handbook when I just signed onto this site and its written there that to completely conquer lust you gotta stop regular Hollywood movies, I was like that ain't happening, but today as you see I shteiged, it's hard and I still watch kosher stuff with wifey and I definitely don't see this being a commitment for the rest of my life (I hope so!) but the truth is in kedusha inyanim it has made my life SO SO SO much easier...even a reg make out scene seems to have effected me way more then I understood. Also even if I wasn't watching the dirty romance movies they were always popping up as newly added or just in the category of the clean movies and I literally had every streaming subscription and TV subscription and I would just rent whatever I wanted that they didn't have butso far I've been behaving but I'm worried for bein hazmanim...

Re: "Just regular movies " 21 Jul 2020 14:39 #352817

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Hey grant thanks for the reply and for reposting the original. the movie/TV show thing is esp hard since there is real art there that can be appreciated. Also imo some leave u with important ideas to think about. 
Not b&w like p&m. Each person gotta figure out for themselves whether it's worth it to find a balance, or just quit altogether. 
Like u I recently started to read more as well bec it can be more productive and less vulnerable to "binge reading" till 3 am. I found for myself that finding engaging books is important, else I would just not pick it up again. There is real art to appreciate in books too  
(This conversation is alot different if someone believes all secular culture should be avoided period. )

Re: "Just regular movies " 21 Jul 2020 15:03 #352821

  • Grant400
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@JJ:
 Yes its important (and hard) to find engaging books that are still kosher. The truth is I love to read but after movies even a superb fast paced book seem not so fastpaced. A movie condenses a few hundred page book or script into 1 1/2 to 3 hours and its almost unbeatable because they only put in the best and most interesting parts. (Oh yea- and a make out scene....because it's very very important to have a nude part in a movie about snipers or dogs...I mean duh!)

But bh I'm doing good so far. I realized the reason I failed so many times in the past was in part because I used to browse through all the movies just to see what's new and added to Netflix etc. but that just enticed me when I chanced upon something good.

 About biographies of tzaddikim like ITK suggested, truthfully I read almost every jewish book that exists already including novels, short stories and biographies up until a few years ago but they keep getting shallower and stupider. Always about MIL or anorexia or shalom bayis blah blah. (Just an interesting point: I realized that in the Jewish books since they cant have a love or romance thread throughout the story they always have shidduchim instead, replete with dating and engagement. Kosher version. Just something I found interesting    )

Re: "Just regular movies " 21 Jul 2020 22:29 #352842

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@grant400
Totally agreed how they are made to be addictive. It's really insane.
If by any chance ur looking for a book to read try Irresistible by adam alter. Talks about how they make it so addictive + some strategies. Really enjoyable and informative.
And ty for starting this thread here!

Re: "Just regular movies " 22 Jul 2020 01:36 #352852

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Update: So far still good. Truthfully I didn't have a very hard moment yet. But I do really miss my alone time with a good movie. I just feel its different then stopping something that is obviously damaging spiritually, then it may be painful but at the same time it feels awesome, but this is just like giving up one of my best friends because I'm moving to a more religious neighborhood 

I uses to look forward every day to stretching out in bed with a beer and indulging in a quality movie. So it's not as brutal a fight as I thought it would be so far but I do miss everything about it.
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