Rabboisai, with the critical help of my true friend בינוני, I blocked the number of a certain individual I was conversing with throughout the day and part of last night.
A critical and painful step.

May my אתערותא דלתתא be פועל the אתערותא דלעילא that I so desperately need.

I hope to see you all on the other side of the ים סוף, B’ezras HaShem.

YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 02 Apr 2021 23:04:

Yes it is. Going on  a porn site is something else, I promise you it's not worth it. 

Hey, @Yeshivaguy,

I feel for you, I truly do. My heart is pained reading what you are going through. 

If you read my posts, you will see that depression and low self esteem is something that I deal with as well.

I spoke to my Rosh Yeshiva about it (a big scary intimidating one btw), I asked him if it's normal. He said, of course, that's how life is, it has it's ups and downs. You aren't defined by your downs, and your particular nisayon during a down moment is not to be perfect, nor is it to try to be as good as the best day you ever had. Your particular nisayon is to ride the wave, to stay afloat, and not do anything stupid.

You know, this reminds me of a show I was once by. There was a hypnotist, and he had a whole bunch of guys from the crowd on stage doing al kinds of interesting things. Before he had anyone do anything, he told them "but don't do anything that you will be embarrassed of later." The guys were completely out of it but I guess it worked.

When we are going through a hard time, the goal is to not make your things too difficult to climb out of. Ride the waves, stay afloat, don't do anything stupid, but most of all, don't beat yourself up for going through a hard time. 

It will pass, to help speed up the process, we can focus on living life. That's it, just live life. On bad days, it's even more important to reach out to real people, to connect, to help others, and seek help from them. Share your emotions with real people (you don't have to go into detail) it is a life changer. Call a Rebbi from Yeshiva, one that you connect with. 

The bottom line is that life throws us tough times, they will pass on their own, we just have to learn how to let them leave when they are ready.

Here is a cute video about depression. gye.vids.io/videos/e89bd1be1d1ee0c960/i-had-a-black-dog-his-name-was-depression
I think it helps for rough times in general. 

I really hope that you can get back to your regular self soon.

Davening for you.
Wilnevergiveup 

I’m at the edge of giving in. I hope I can pull back...

Was fighting back and forth for awhile.
Got fed up and out of almost anger and impatientience I touched myself and then.....
So back down again.

Its poshut, if I see stuff I’ll fall.
I gave in a tiny bit tonight and it slowly grew until now at almost 4am I gave in.

Ps. I promise u guys that I will get out of this rut. I’m on new meds for my weight, will resume working out, will leave iPhone at home, and will go to sleep on time.
To quote one of my poems:

I am not bound

By what I see

There is a fire

And it’s Me

Watch now as

I drain the sea

And show you what it is

That’s Me

Sapy wrote on 05 Apr 2021 03:18:

Ok. I trust you and appreciate you saying that.
I promise that I’ll never go on a porn site.
My recent falls have been Masterbating, not even really youtube

wilnevergiveup wrote on 05 Apr 2021 06:19:

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it 

Oy.
Thats all for now.

I spoke to my parents this evening abit about my negative emotions. Feelings of doom, inevitable failure etc.
And I then read for them some poems (something they appreciate bh).

Bh I’m in bed now at 11:40pm. I hope to fall asleep soon.
There is a faint glimmer of hope deep inside the bowels of my heart.
Im unaware of its source and whether it is rooted in reality or naive optimism.
We shall see.

Good Night dear friends,

YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 06 Apr 2021 03:40:

Time for another poem?

I’m leaving to Yeshiva in the morning.
Im reluctant and scared to leave my iPhone at home but I’m doing it. Not sure how to do banking etc or check on my account balance without internet, if anyone can help me that would be great.
Also, how to transfer funds with no internet.

I won’t be checking GYE for some time, though periodically will check in.

Hatzlocha to you all and thanks for sticking with me on this journey.

YeshivaGuy

Hatzlocho for this Zman
Looking forward to hearing from you again soon.
Well done on taking a big step

YeshivaGuy wrote on 08 Apr 2021 04:33:

Hatzlacha!

Most (all?) banks have telephone banking. You can look into it, it may need to be set up first with a pin etc.

Great big step you're taking by leaving your iPhone, hopefully in Yeshiva it will be easier for you to fight the challenge.

Hatzlacha, on the new zman too!

Hey guys, hope y'all are doing well.
Baruch Hashem Yeshiva is going pretty good. Not having an Iphone is an absolute gamechanger.
I have had some hirhurim here and there, but without a smartphone i can just push away the thought and it's gone.
I absolutely encourage everyone to take that step if you can.

I'll share with you guys some moments and victories from this week.
I was in a target, and the lady at the cashier was especially nice and spoke with a feminine voice etc, I won't go into detaiuls, but I was turned on.
Normally In the past I would be thinking about how this girl is into me etc and my mind would wander far, but I worked hard in that moment to view her as just a nice happy person. 
That was very difficult but bh was matzliach.

Currently I'm using my friends computer in his room.
Last night I asked a guy to use his computer and he said sure, but upon asking him he said he didnt have a filter, and I declined using it without him or someone else around.
This was hard for me, because in my mind I knew i wouldnt be nichshal, as i didnt want to be.
But I took notice of my pounding heart and realized that there was a part of my self which did want to sin.
So even though my Seichel had the right intentions, I took precaution for my guf.

For me this is a big deal, because it means being aware of both parts to ones Self, which is a much larger discussion.

So bh things are going well, not the way I want them to be but still bh pretty good.

I text a GYE guy daily about my progress and am in touch with others offline as well.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the love, support, eitza, and encouragement, on and off this site.

YeshivaGuy