New phone, new thread, new me?

I fell today.
But for the first time in a while, it hurt. I feel it has penetrated into me and made me feel regretful.
I'm not sure what hurts more, the fall itself or the fact I can't remember the last time I felt bad like this (and that's not because a lack of falling). Strangely I fell proud that I'm internally understanding the weight of my actions (and therefore falls) for the first time in a while. For far too long I felt that when I fell, it was like breaking a diet, "oops, let's try not do that again", but not much of an internal realisation of what I've been doing. No genuine sense of regret or that I had made a bad mistake. Overall I don't think I'm in an negative place, I just want to utilise my current feelings and use it to spring back up to greater heights.

Currently this is where I think I'm at:
I think I've been falling between every 2 days and every 2 weeks, probably with this frequency since Corona and even before probably up to Jan, off the top of my head. Unfortunately I don't think I've been putting in much effort, realistically I think I've just been waiting between urges and then falling, I don't think I've done much prevention on my part.
Just got a new phone and used the opportunity to fix up my filter a bit. For anyone reading don't delay fixing your filter, I've found it has made a huge difference. Not to be naive but pretty sure it's mostly working correctly now, no loopholes. (I did spend quite a while today trying to find one before I fell:grimacing:) Although my goal of 90 days should not be dependent on a good filter, even though I plan on having one nonetheless.
Earlier in the year I was struggling with porn but I think that was a temporary stage, long term it was less of an issue to me than masturbation, which I've struggled with for more than the past year.
I've been re-listening to a chabura by a Rebbe on the topic and I briefly bought up that I'm struggling to him, and I plan to speak to him more about it. This week I've been putting in the effort to try not fall and think about hirhurim, whereas in the past sometimes it was a matter and of just waiting until a good time to fall, not having any real method of prevention nor of fighting the yetzer hora. Already in the past few days I have had multiple times where I could have fallen but did not, and didn't follow my urges blindly. Obviously I need to be more preventative, but I still think this is a big step up from basically just hoping never to have an urge, because that's isn't the aim, rather it is our reaction to our urges. I think with this previous mindset of mine it was going to be near on impossible to get to 90, now I'm starting to feel more confidence that it is achievable, even if I haven't been more than 2 weeks clean in a while.
I also plan to listen to the fight by the shmuz (was there website down for anyone else recently?)
I also want to be more active in the forums, both here and in other threads. I often lurk around, but I think I should really join in a bit more.

That's it from me for now, that's a bit of a megilla to read. Drop in to say hi, I wanna hear from you guys how you are all doing in your battles, it really helps knowing that we are all fighting this war together

Looking_to_improve

Looking_to_improve wrote on 13 Aug 2020 22:00:


Lets go! Keep us posted!

Hey there, nice to meet you! 



Hope you have lots of success here along with the many other growing people on this site.



Listening to The Fight is a great idea, there is also version of it on this site gye.vids.io/tags/6c9cdbbb1ce9/rabbi-bentzion-shafier">gye.vids.io/tags/6c9cdbbb1ce9/rabbi-bentzion-shafier .



More active on the forum, great!



Filter, awesome!



Not sure if you can relate but in my struggles I found the unbearable feelings after a fall started when I started wanting to stop. It was not so much that I felt terrible about falling as much as how painful it was to feel that I had no control to do what I really wanted to do. The feeling of having no control was the most painful.



If this is true for you too, then it is very helpful to be aware of it. Don't guilt trip yourself you probably feel bad enough already and it's probably not getting you anywhere.



keep it up!



Want to hear more from you, keep posting.



wilnevergiveup

Thanks Meyer m and jj123 for checking in

In response to willneverguveup:
I think I do feel similar, the pain is that there's a disconnect from truly wanting to stop, to how I actually express myself and end up falling. The last few moments before the fall was the disconnect at its worse, when I just started following my taavos blindly.
The pain has already passed today, so I'm glad I wrote this last night. At the moment I'm not so concerned that I will guilt trip myself, I feel most of the time I'm at the other end of the spectrum, feeling an indifference to falling, and a lack of guilt, but I think I do understand what you are saying

Hope you all have a great shabbos, look forward to speaking more!

I have been on here for several years.
My pattern has been to stay clean, then fall...but when I fall I usually fall again within a week.
Or a month.

I think three things cause this-

The Yetzer Hara teases you - it says "If you can fall once, then what is so bad about falling again?"

I read that the Yetzer Hara is not so concerned with making you sin once. It wants you to feel bad about yourself as a result of a sin, and so then sin again and again because you feel low and a big distance from Hashem.

I also think that the "high" of the fall makes our brain chase the high again, even more than before the first fall. We need a more intense high each time we fall.

So - know that you are not alone, and this experience is to be expected.

Keep going - take things day by day.

Be on extra guard after a fall, and be extra nice to yourself, give yourself lots of reasons to be positive.

And perhaps try Mindfulness?


Treat the urge to fall, as an external thought, rather than something that is part of you.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Thanks for reaching out colincolin.
Do you have any info about mindfulness on te gye site, my filter blocks the link you sent

Shabbos passed all clean, feeling a small lingering urge tonight, gonna sleep now, please God it will be gone by the morning

Looking_to_improve wrote on 15 Aug 2020 21:59:

Please post tomorrow to help create accountability.

Good idea Dave, thanks for checking in

Baruch Hashem I'm feeling back to normal this morning, didn't act out, just was a bit restless last night while I had the urge. 


Thanks everyone for checking in

Had a bit of a slip this afternoon, was napping and let my mind wonder (/wander? Not sure which one:no_mouth:) a bit too much into hirhurim. Didn't fall, but I need to be careful it doesn't spiral out of control for the rest of today. After habitually thinking about these thoughts on a constant basis, often when I go sleep, means it's going to take some effort to stop thinking about them, because my default at the moment is to let my mind wonder into these topics. But that's part of the journey, I can't expect to get anywhere without putting in effort

Just had a fall 

Had a niggling feeling for a while this afternoon. I think I kept it at bay decently for a couple of hours before I fell. Was with some friends for an hour or so, and felt a bit on an urge pretty much most of the time. Never quite managed to clear my mind from it.

I feel like my brain is wired to try push through, just in the wrong direction. Instead of thinking I can keep it at bay, I'm sort of thinking, come on, you can push through and fall, push through the barriers that are holding you back.

Anyway, I'm kind of disappointed in myself now, I didn't look at porn, but that doesn't mean it's fine what I'm doing, just a small positive. I feel like the 60% of me that's never really bothered by this(timewise if that makes sense) is just fed up with the other 40%, like when a kid misbehaves in class and the rest also get punished. Are we still dealing with this, come on, get over it already, grow up...

Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to grow.

Looking_to_improve wrote on 16 Aug 2020 20:00:

It’s quite normal on the beginning to feel like you’re unable to resist urges as the brain is pretty much hardwired like you stated. However once you get over that initial jump, things start falling in place left and right. I’v been on GYE for 4 months now, I have to say that with each time you feel you can’t resist and you push it off, you see jumps like never before. Nobody will say it’s easy but I will say the following quote: No pain, No gain. It hurts so much in the moment to push away but later on you will look back and be proud you held off as well as start to see major progress.

Looking_to_improve wrote on 16 Aug 2020 20:00:

That's great that you were able to resist for a few hours before giving in.  As Meyer said, every time you fight, you are building your "spiritual muscles", so next time will be easier.  Just pick yourself back up and get back into the game.  You got this!

Thanks for the encouragement Dave!
It just feels like a bit of daunting task to try fix something that I've neglected to work on for close to six years. I haven't been mz'l for that long, but pretty sure I've had hirhurim and thoughts for that long. Although it is reassuring to know it is possible to be clean for so long, even if the progress feels slow at first. 

Fell again today, wasn't on my mind for most of the day, and then ruined my day by being too curious for 20 mins. Had an opportunity when I should have just left it, but didn't. Wasted a good opportunity, and this urge for sure would have passed
Gotta start again strong, we're in this for the long run