I need some chizuk. Recently, I started actually trying to stop with all the nonsense. It's been a fierce battle. Unfortunately, in the long run, I may have won a few battles but I lost the war. But I guess that means that I just need to keep trying. Yesterday and today have been especially hard. I fell yesterday...and how. One of the biggest challenges is not letting the falls take you down with them. I went down with my fall. Today, I had such a feeling of "Why even try?". Deep down I knew of all the Issurim but my inner animal carried out...and repeated all of yesterday.

I need to continue trying–I MUST. But I need Chizuk. I cannot do this alone. It's been too long....3 1/2 years. The time has come to stop once and for all.

One of my elementary Rabbeim once told an amzing Moshul which I never really realized the gravity of until now. There once was a king who wanted to hold a contest–the winner would get an exorbitant sum of money. The challenge was a race to the top of the palace turret–all one hundred floors. One average man decided to try his luck amongst the others who had clearly been training for a long time. The shot was fired and off they were. He keeps climbing. 10 floors, 15 floors, slowly he continues his ascent. At the 25th floor the first couple of people begin to give up. 30th floor even more. At the 35th floor this man wasnts to throw in the towel–not even close to halfway and he feels he can't move. But he decides to go just a little further and see how far he truly can go. At the 40th floor everyone around him has given up. He's ready to but continues...slowly...hoping to at least get tot the 50th floor. As he is climbing, and climbing, utterly exhausted, he summons every last ounce of strength to carry him to the next landing. When he reaches it he collapses, unable to move. Then he sees it. Right in front of him–two sliding doors with a large sign announcing: Express Elevator To The 100th Floor.
We need to put in our hishtadlus. Don't look at accomplishments or goals. If we try and do are utmost best, then no matter where we are, ever far, far away, Hakasosh Baruch Hu will send us that express elevator.

TB I feel very sorry for you, I can relate to your troubles very well from way over 20 years ago, the only difference is I was in isolation whilst you have a place to come to.
However Chizuk is NOT enough in your case, you ought to do something more that you shouldn't relapse, I think you should re-read your thread from the beginning again see yourself all over, the old- timers and the most experienced have given you their knowledge and the tools to deal with your problems, don't let it ruin your life act NOW!
I wish you lots of Hatzlacha on the rough ride "one day at a time" to full recovery Bezras Hashem.

Welcome again,

I sent you an email.

What are you actively doin' for recovery?

b'hatzlachah

Troubled B Hi ! I have been reading your thread lately. Sorry for my intrusion now . It looks to me that you are fighting this fight all alone . And i dont mean that you are not reaching out because you really are . Nobody in this site or in his right mind could even think of going to war all by himself with his ,so to speak,Yetzer Horo; It is a lost war . And if you are an addict you lost the war before even firing the first shot.
You seem to have lost your peace of mind and indeed the situation is a troubled one.
But all of this ain't to be this way . If you are not a match against your Y"H , Why dont you let someone who can really match it and even overpower it with ease. And that someone is Hashem Almighty . Let Him do the fighting for you while you sit back
and watch the show .ה' ילחם לכם ואתם תחרישון . But in order for that to happen you have to take some simple steps . You can definitely have that happening , having Hashem do the fighting for you . You just have to decide that , thats what you want, then take some personal actions and then you will see the good things happening and bad habits disintegrating .
Let us know what do you think , Hatzlacha !

Hi troubled bachur,

Can I change your mashal a bit?

Some of us realized that we had mistakenly entered the wrong tower entirely. Weary and exhausted we reach out for help and ask directions to the correct tower. We follow the directions, even if we don't understand them, from those before us who have long periods of sobriety under their belt (and know how to climb the "steps").

Then we begin the long journey up the tower. We worry only about the step in front of us, and never look to see if we've "made it". We are happy with the process that keeps us sane, and leave the rest to Hashem.

I hope this helps. Hatzlacha on your journey. You are among friends who are trying (and sometimes failing) in the same journey.

Back again, after, unfortunately, staying away for quite some time. I've read portions of the this thread again, and its given me Chizuk and hope. But, as I've learned, I need much more than that. I need to proactively do my Hishtadlus and break free. I joined a call about a month ago but only listened to two recording (I listen to the recording because the call is during Seder). I really need to start every night.
Anyways, I'm going to try and pop in here more often. Its so hard when your Y"H gets you down and into isolation. I need to fight, and I hope I can.

Welcome back
You're not alone
have you tried the taphsich method ? 

The Taphsic is possibly a nice idea

id recommend some other GPS navigation first

Welcome back.
As we are approaching the days of geulah with Purim and Pesach there are some massive opportunities for yeshuos in these times.
Look at the posts from Alex Eliezer. He wrote about a great segula during the seder that helped him tremendously get on the path to recovery.

Here is a link and a copy of what he wrote.

Please see my other post/thread for my personal story and how this worked for me. 
This is based on a shiur available for download here: 

www.jewishpulseradio.com/2011/03/torah-this-week-higher-order-of-the-seder/ 

by Rabbi Yaakov Labinsky (of Aish) entitled "Higher order of the Seder."  This is but a distillation and the reader is encouraged to listen to the original Shiur. 

The avodah of the Pesach Seder is to go from avdus to cheirus.  Avdus means a physical, body orientation to life.  Cheirus means a spiritual orientation.  (For us, our avdus is our addiction.)  According to the Arizal, there is a special koach in the Pesach Seder (first night only) called "dilug." This means jumping over, or passing over levels.  Normally, teshuva must be done in a stepwise fashion.  If a person rises too far too fast there is increased danger of return to old habits.  On Pesach night, these rules are suspended, and a person can pass over levels not possible the rest of the year.  But you must be prepared. 

During the weeks leading up to the Seder, clean out the chometz in your spiritual life as best you can.  And physically clean those rooms where your aveiros are done (I suggest the computer room and bedroom).  Don't look at women.  [my addition: If you need to (and can keep it), take a vow that you won't do _______ from Rosh Chodesh Nisan until at least after Pesach.  You can do it!] 

Erev Pesach, when burning the chometz, visualize your yetzer for lust being burned. 

This is your kavanah during the seder: 
There are four l'shonos of geula, three of which represent release from degrees of enslavement.  (In our case, enslavement to the yetzer hora for lust.)  The first cup of wine goes with the first lashon, "v'hotzaysi."  With the kiddush and drinking of the first cup, know that you are being taken out of the most severe level of enslavement.  Next is the cup for "v'hitzalti."  Saying the hagaddah and drinking this cup will free you from the next, somewhat lighter level of enslavement.  Eat the matza and be humbled.  Eat the maror and think about how bitter it is to be enslaved to the yetzer hora for lust.  [The seder is already supposed to be a personal re-enactment of the avdus and y'tzia.  This is using that re-enactment with an additional layer, a particular yetzer hora.] 

With the third cup, over bircas hamazon, all remaining vestiges of the enslavement will be removed from you.  You are now free, but in great danger, because nature abhor's a vacuum.  So the fourth cup, representing "v'lakachti" is drunk soon after the third.  The tfilos we say over the fourth cup have to do with the future.  With v'lakachti, we ask Hashem to take us for his.  We commit ourselves to be his slave, rather than the slave of what we were just released from.  Drink to your new relationship with the Borai Olam! 

I used this approach, together with the 12 steps,  two three years ago, and have never relapsed.  I continue to daven for sobriety and shmira in this area, and continue to work on this and other areas of yiras shomayim.  More recently, I am working on those aspects of my personality that were most affected by my addiction, including working on being more of a giver.  Addiction stunts our personal growth.  In recovery we can resume growing. 

Chag Kasher Vsamayach, 

Alex

Since Alex is so extremely inspiring, here is a link to his forum post.

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/13-BEIS-HAMEDRASH/103011-Using-the-Pesach-Seder--the-Arizals-4-step-program-to-break-free

Help me, please help me!
What can I do?? I keep falling, no matter how hard I try!!
This is a breaking point.....will I ever break free? Is it possible for me??
I can't take this anymore!

troubledbochur wrote on 27 Mar 2016 06:39:

you sound like someone who is already attending live phone meetings, or live face to face meetings, or at least has already disclosed, discussed and worked on the problem with a competent therapist or a rebbi. because otherwise, there is much left to do before a breaking point. i would even venture to say that otherwise you have barely started to work.
did you ever discuss your challenges with a rebbi? if not, why not now, if you are truly at a breaking point?
i went through this entire thread, and its remarkable how little seems to have changed since you started  posting. you seem to be in a disasterous cycle - you post about how you disappoint yourself, you disappear for awhile, and you return with the same news. its time to break the cycle with something revolutionary.
a rebbi can be your guide, motivation and sponsor. just make sure he is competent. and if he is, he wont look at you less, he will admire you more.
othewise [keeping everything as is and "trying harder"], its my opinion that you are headed for the same cycle/spiral downward.

Almost 4 years off the forums...whoa
I'm not so great about expressing in words so feel free to ask questions.
I seriously considered abandoning this thread and starting a new one with a new username, this one got pretty depressing. I was depressed and confused with little direction. That isn't the case now. I'm going to try to summarize the past 4 years and the amazing progress I've made.

1. I finished high school and went to Yeshiva Gedola (technically happened before my last post but majority of this thread was from high school).
2. I learned about TAG and got proper filters for my devices.
3. In my second year of Yeshiva I sat down with my Mashgiach and confided in him. He gave me tremendous chizuk and advice. Finally started making progress but I needed more so:
4. A year and a half ago I was introduced to Hashem Help Me. From that first call my life has not been the same. HHM has helped put me back on track a literally do a complete 180 (I'm not perfect (nobody is) I haven't 'broken free' yet but I've made tremendous progress)
5. A few months ago I was introduced (by HHM) to iAmPowerless. Baruch Hashem we became fast friends.
6. Most recently I started seeing a CBT therapist.

That definitely doesn't do justice but I had to put something down.
Well, here I am. I'm back. I have to change this username and maybe start a new thread...my heart isn't sinking anymore

:like:Im very happy to read that you are making progress and digging yourself out of this terrible ditch. 
Keep on going higher and higher. I understand your struggles. 
I had terrible yeshiva years. Wasted them on lust and shmutz. I wish i can have them back. But BH Hashem helped me and is helping me every second of every day. 

Welcome Back!

Welcome back.
Great to hear from you.
My number hasn't changed.
Don't hesitate if you need to reach out.

Kol Tuv,

Moshe