The Library

I am not proud of all these things but just in case there is someone out there who finds this and thinks that he's alone - you should know, I was as perverted as they come.

Today is the 19th of Kislev, the yahrzeit of the Maggid of Mezritch. I was learning his sefer and he was talking about fearing Hashem and loving Hashem.

I heard someone mention that he would be embarrassed for anyone to find out about his history even if he would be clean for many years. This attitude makes one refrain from joining live groups and in turn, can push off the real recovery. How can we overcome this feeling of embarrassment?

I was feeling really down recently. I mean REALLY down. The type of down that the y''h jumps on you and tries to get you as depressed as possible so you can just give up and do aveiros. 

I would like to share an experience I just had, which helped me in my porn addiction struggle. I understand that the following may not be something you feel comfortable sending out, but I thought I would try and contribute. I feel this is particularly poignant during Elul.

"Sadness by itself is no sin, but the apathy (lit. 'numbness of the heart') that sadness brings about, no other sin can bring about. Mikva by itself is no mitzvah - since Tvilas Ezra was annulled - but the goodness that mikva brings, no other mitzvah brings.

What are the halachic guidelines when it comes to thoughts during sex? Is there any way for me to rewire my brain and stop this? I feel helpless. Thank you so much. 

You all give me tremendous chizuk, so I wanted to give chizuk back to everyone who’s part of the GYE family!  I used to think I was alone in this struggle and I was such a rosho and I would suffer for the rest of my life for all the terrible disgusting aveiros I've done. I could never go more than 1 day clean, and every time I fell, it gave me more and more despair and sadness.

We need to differentiate between a false sense of entitlement and a justified one. It is reasonable to feel entitled to an adequate payment for the job you had hired yourself out to do, as it is reasonable to feel entitled to undamaged goods when making a purchase.

The things we absorb in childhood unfortunately continue with us, unless we make efforts to change them. One thing that is universal among children, is that they compare themselves to other children, and are always jealous of what others have that they don’t. You're always looking at what somebody else has that you want. First, it’s a doll, then it’s a dress, then it’s a husband, then it’s a baby carriage, then it’s a vacation.

I basically keep the rules.    I wake up early, daven with a minyan, squeeze in a breakfast (sometimes) and a daf, and I'm off to work. After a long day at the office, I come home and try to be a good husband and father.    I try to do what's right ... but shmiras einayim is a really tough one. 

"Please Hashem, within all my defects, my sins, my warts, my hurts, my huge mess,  lies a specialness that you put in me. Why did you create me? Because you say I have value. Otherwise, I would not be here in this world.

It wasn't until I walked into a room of fellow addicts and admitted my utter defeat and the unmanageability of my life (step one), and got a sponsor to help me work the 12 steps that I was given the gift of sobriety.

Yes, we know that during the Chagim, he tried to stick his foot in many times, because when there is greater kedushah (the yom tovim), then there is greater tumah, i.e. Mr. Menuval.  But, now we have finished with the chagim. Let us not forget that on one hand it was the Chagim that helped us. We tuned into the kedushah and ran from the tumah.

Look, I go to meetings cuz I am an addict. And I am not denying the possibility that Holy Man is an addict, too. And I certainly do not wish to c"v dissuade anyone who may (or may not) be an addict from finding the help they need - and certainly many addicts are helped in 12 step fellowships, as I am, b"H. But I believe we should not be implying that he should consider going to meetings tonight solely on the basis of how bad or dangerous what he is doing may be.

I happened to read in the Kaf Hachaim (5) that Vasikin is mechaper for Zera L'vatala! What hashgacha pratis! Hashem obviously wanted me to daven vasikin to send me a sign that my Teshuva is accepted!

Our addictions are internal. Sometimes the external factors are unchangeable. Sometimes we accidentally see things we aren’t supposed to. Sometimes we even do it on purpose. But our Tefillah to Hashem should be to keep us strong internally.

GYE showed me that I wasn't alone in the struggle, that I'm not a faker - just a 'struggler,' and, most importantly, that there IS a way out!