You can't be embarrassed of getting well
I heard someone mention that he would be embarrassed for anyone to find out about his history even if he would be clean for many years. This attitude makes one refrain from joining live groups and in turn, can push off the real recovery. How can we overcome this feeling of embarrassment?
In Sefer Koheles, at the very end, Shlomo Hamelech tells us that after one passes on, he will be judged on everything “in public”! There is no point in fooling ourselves that we will be able to keep our actions, words, and even thoughts a secret. But then how can we avoid embarrassment?
However, I would be embarrassed for anyone to see me doing some of the things I do which are correct, like using the restroom and being with my wife and even getting dressed and undressed (even if I do it according to halacha). So, is Hashem out to embarrass us for no reason?
I believe that this question bothered none other than Bilam ben Be’or the one who tried to curse us. Rashi says that he was surprised that Hashem counts the seed of the Yidden and looks to see from which seed will a tsaddik be born. He was surprised that Hashem, Who is so Holy, would deal with such things.
What was his mistake?
In this world, most of us base embarrassment on the accepted norm. When we act in a way which our society deems normal, we feel ok. When we act different than what is considered normal by society, we feel embarrassed.
In Heaven, in the world of truth, it works differently. When we do what is right and correct, we will feel good. When we do something wrong and incorrect, we will feel embarrassed.
I believe that when my life will be reviewed after 120, I will not have a problem with any of the “private” things if they were the right thing to do. I will also not be embarrassed by the base drives which I had and the struggles which I had to deal with in the area of kedusha, because Hashem gave those to me. I will only be embarrassed for not taking control when I could have.
What I am trying to do is tune in to the truth now, and learn to make right and wrong the criteria for embarrassment. I am trying not to subscribe to societies norms, which only fool me into thinking that I can keep a secret and that only externals count.
Then I can tell myself, listen, you’re going to be found out anyway, you may as well join a group of people who can help you stop this negative pattern and change so that the rest of your life can be right and not ultimately embarrassing.