BHYY wrote on 19 Feb 2021 14:36:

Interesting idea. Thanks, I’ll try giving that a shot

Trying to push away all the guilt and pain. Just showered early. Going to the Beis soon for a good Seder before Shabbos.
This isn’t over.

Take care

YeshivaGuy wrote on 19 Feb 2021 20:20:

You are 167 days clean! You're doing great! Don't give up Hashem loves you!! Think about how many times you said no to the YH... 

Was going to learn/workout tonight.
Feeling exhausted though.
A lot of taiva...
Gonna try goin to sleep

Gut vuch

I want to feel good.
Masterbating feels good. So I want to masterbate.
I want to feel good in 10 min.
Masterbating will make me feel bad in 10 min.
I don’t want to masterbate.

What do I want?

Idk.
Do I?

Gn

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Feb 2021 04:15:

As the old timers would say...Woodford. That'll make you feel good

BHYY wrote on 21 Feb 2021 04:23:

Too much will make you not feel anything. Sometimes I'd rather feel bad than not feel at all

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Feb 2021 04:15:

What you are really yearning for is to feel happy. Try to find things to do that make you feel happy for when you get those feelings. 

Pleasure doesn't equal happiness.

Simcha is defined as the knowledge that you are on the way to realizing your goals. Big goals, small goals, whatever they are, you've got to have them and you've got to have a plan on how to you are going to succeed. 

I would suggest that you make a list of things that you can do when you feel like you "want to feel happy." Write this list down and share it with us here, whenever you feel down, take a look at the list and do something from it.

Here is mine:

1. Learn Gemara.
2. Learn something easier (Mishnayos, chumash with Rashi, etc.).
3. Learn a mussar/machshava sefer
4. Read an interesting book (like Rabbi Twerski or Rabbi Tatz or even a secular one but focused on personal growth)
5. Go for a walk while listening to a shiur.
6. Go for a walk while listening to music.
7. Go for a walk while taking in my surroundings (this is usually great except for when I am in a bout of "thinking too much" and I need a distraction so that I don't overthink myself to depression).
8. Exercise, either a full blown workout or something short.
9. Help out, do something for someone else. Actively choosing to do something for someone else really makes me feel good. It could be big or small. It could be helping someone with a Gemara who is having a hard time or helping my wife or a friend with something they need to get done.
10. Taking out my kids, just love it! (building relationships I guess)
11. Writing down my thoughts and divrei Torah.
12. Working on one of my projects like trying new things in the kitchen, making different kinds of things, building etc.
13. Listening to music.
14. Playing guitar.
15. Calling my Mom or Dad and telling them all about their awesome son.
16. Call a sibling just to shmooze and connect.

I don't choose the idealistic ones as often as the more "fun" ones but when I can boost myself and feel productive, I usually have an easier time with my avodas Hashem moving forward so I cannot feel guilty about not always choosing to learn when I am yearning for connection.

Keep us posted about good stuff too!

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 21 Feb 2021 06:33:

Thanks buddy.
Copied this list onto my phone for when I need it...

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Feb 2021 04:15:

I love how open you are!
I admire you.

170 days clean, Bh

YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Feb 2021 01:12:

If I was a rich mod, I’d add a a few bonus tracks / days. Because I think it’s safe to say you’ve helped others get some lust-free days too, and savor the flavor of freedom. 
Keep it up and enjoy all the Partying this week 10MAAT

Was lying in bed thinking about how I haven’t had hirhurim in awhile and that like it’s been easier.
And then, a storm of taiva surges. I reach down almost going to touch myself, was hard...
Tried getting some zachen on my phone, not successful...
Gotta keep on guard. A part of me wishes to taste once more the sweetness of masterbation...

See ya, going to seder

YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Feb 2021 20:30:

Trust me, you don't wanna do that. It's all a lie.
Trust me............

Slips, pretty big slips, not a fall though...
Its a domino affect..
Have a plan with my therapist for dif inyanim, sorry for being vague.
Basicaly, saw some not good, though no Masterbating, and nothing for too long...
But l’maaseh I almost caved completely...
And I saw some bad vids on YouTube l’maaseh, I can justify that wasn’t so “erotic/stimulating etc,” but it def wasn’t good, who am I kidding.
Not what I view as a fall though, a fall in my book is for extended time and Masterbating.
But I hear a taana that like, if I don’t classify these “peeks” as falls, then how will I ever be completely clean?
Its a good kashya, but not my focus right now.
Just staying positive.
I held back from Masterbating, now is that an accomplishment if I instigated the nisayon? Lechora not. But either way, I know what went wrong today, and I’m doing better in the future. 

Yes I made things harder for myself etc etc etc, but I’m too tired for all this typing, I always ramble for awhile...

Am I a tzadik? Perfect? No. I won’t ever be perfect. The goal is to learn from ones mistakes, and I’m doing that. That’s the ikur.
Im not proud of what I did. I did an aveira. 
Yetzer:so might as well masterbate!
Seichel: No. 

171 days clean. Clean? Not squeaky clean. Not what some chevra here may call clean. But לפי where I am this is the cheshbon.
Feel free to argue or criticize. But please do so in not too harsh of a manner.

The imperfect,

YeshivaGuy