Was just offered a crazy opportunity to make over $15,000 working in a coed sleep away camp situation this summer for a few weeks…
Wouldnt have to do much work, would be super geshmak etc and insane money…

And I’ve been having a hard time with Hashem these days as I go through trauma work, so not down to be moser nefesh.
Plus i haven’t been so strict with kedusha stuff so like why would I be moser nefesh davka hear?
And for what? My life is so painful as it is, maybe just take the money and have a good time.

Today I decided to stay in Yeshiva and then was offered this tonight. I could really really use money and this would be unlike any other job I could get in the summer, especially because I haven’t been able to find a job to do this summer that would pay decently and I don’t know what else I’ll do.

Idk, idk if I want to be moser nefesh, but I would be with super duper modern girls etc, idk… 
I also lost a lot of weight, getting muscular and would look good, but idk, this feels like it’s a big decision.

Its so annoying to overcome these opportunities.
When I was younger, a few months after my Bar Mitzvah, I was literally about to make out with a girl for the first time ever, I decided that’s what I want and I’m gonna do it.
But I and pulled back, looked her in the eye and said “shir hamaalos mimaamakim k’rasecha Hashem…”
which was super awkward…

I have avoided and ran from so so so many opportunities since.
Ive never even touched a girl for hanaa even though at one point I could’ve.

And now I’m in pain so much pain and have some animosity towards frumkeit and the Ribono Shel Olam, I feel regret for not giving in.

What did it get me?  What will this get me if I don’t take this opportunity? What am I fighting for? Why? Do I even care about Olam Haba? Do I even actually believe in it? 
I need money, a summer job and this is an insane opportunity especially since I haven’t found a job and this plopped right into my lap.
I’m gonna give it up like I’ve given everything else up? 
I don’t like where my decisions have led me, why would I keep making them?

Wasn’t gonna tell people about it, was just gonna do it and hide it, unsure why I’m even posting this, you guys can comment if you want, I’m open to your thoughts and any ideas if you have.

”Yeshiva” guy

When there’s nothing good to say- say nothing. That’s what I’m gonna go by right now.. except I wanna just say buddy, your an inspiration! Every time I come on this thread I get inspired! You show You are a fighter! And you have no idea how many people your helping just from your posts! You show no matter the pain, trauma, confusion, or even hatred You still hold strong! The ratzon is still there deep down! I’m so proud and impressed with you! I’m here on my couch in my living room humbled in front of you! Your mesirus nefesh for yiddishkeit even during a time of confusion is beyond comprehension! Please Give me a bracha! 

Inever know what to say...you sound better than you sound like you think you are.
Do you always regret it? 
Why did this opportunity come? WHy had they been coming?

What, actually, would come about if you gave in? I'm not sure it's like you think..like this addiction and world makes us think it will be.
.
In the long run, what will come ot of going or not going? Even not from a religious perspective. And in the short run.

I don't know...wish I could help you with everything going on behind this, as you talk about.
But anwyay, if you've come so far, and the wrolds such bad shape, if you do give in now, will everything before lose some meaning? Or maybe not? will it become really a waste, embarrassment and regrets once you get in that life and mindset I think if I gave in now, that's how I would feel about it. Too far in now to give up, might as well keep it meaning something. Let it be part of a huge struggle, something to one day be able to look back on in  another light, rather than lose it to the viewpoint that anything not indulgent is wasted youth. 

If we take on that life, everything that meant something now becomes a lifetime of nothing.

basically, mema nefshach, if either way ends up with regret looking backwards, take the way that will end up with happiness looking backwards. And that is, again, regardless of belief.

Sorry I cant be more help now

YG, you texted me about this post, so i am replying publicly as per your request, however whatever i write here is only applicable if the rebbeim that you are so close with are in agreement:

You have an amazing ability to express yourself clearly and intelligently despite being in a matzav of confusion and raging emotions. It appears that you are iyh destined to assist so many guys out there with emotional and mental distress. Why you had to go through this Hell is not in my limited understanding of Hashem's master plan, but it does appear you are being trained to be a mentor for chevra suffering from these most tormenting and debilitating challenges of anxiety/depression and related issues.

It is most obvious just from the fact that you posted and reached out that you will iyh make the correct decision. It is there between the lines again and again. But your decision is causing you anguish, so let's put it in this perspective. You are a hero and in all honesty, you understand how in a few years you would look back at this experience (had you accepted it) and how you would feel about it. The money would be long spent, and the platonic carefree relationships only a distant memory of broken hearts when goodbyes were said as the busses pulled away after camp, and real connections never having developed. And if any lines had been inappropriately crossed, there would be a lot of shame.

However, one thing this job offer should cause - Let's capitalize on your excitement to feel productive - Look for a summer position that will keep you busy in a productive way, allowing you to display your amazing talents and kochos hanefesh with pride. You enjoy structure, responsibility, and geshmak. You enjoy helping people and being real with them. Keep that all in mind and may Hashem guide you to a matzav that will iyh lift your spirits, give you some direction for your future job choices, and if you make a few dollars doing it too - enjoy that too.

I have no advice to offer you, except just keep posting.  Don't be ashamed. 

You are a real inspiration.
May Hashem help you a ton.
since your davening shir hamalos saved you that time i will share something interesting i recently heard about davening there are those who say one shouldn't daven that a specific outcome should happen but rather whatever is best for me should happen 
and someone added that better to daven that you should be zoche to see how whatever happens is for the best.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 25 Mar 2022 05:32:

Hi @YeshivaGuy, 

I will share with you my opinion, please take it as just that, my opinion. 

I chopped up your message a little, to what I think are the points that you are making.

1. An opportunity that you don't want to miss out on.
2. Being with girls seems very geshmak.
3. You feel like expressing yourself by your superficial body (and ignoring/numbing the real you, or don't even believe that there is a real you)
4. You feel a lot of regret for  your lifestyle choices and the limitations that you feel it brings you.

So, here is what I think. I  think that you know good and well who you are. You know better than any of us that you are not really going to go to a co-ed camp. You may want to, or shall we say, desire to, but there was never really a tzad. 

But, that doesn't mean that it's not fun to think about it, or dream about it, or wish that you can go. But why? What's the point of making a fuss about something that was never really on the table? Could it be that you are looking for something? Validation? Relationship? Connection? And this seems to be an easy way to get that? And the fact that it was offered to you means that you are wanted, that probably feels good too. 


YeshivaGuy, I am not worried about you, you will be fine. Don't sell yourself cheap, you are not just the way you look, there is something more to you. Yes, you may be struggling with yourself, but looking for band-aids doesn't replace putting in the real work. 

It sounds like you are really looking for that deep love and connection, it's not a bad thing, it's just the way you are. The trick is to figure out how to deal with it. If it's an emotional need, finding a girl will not solve it. It may make you feel good, and I am not judging whether that is okay or not, rather that it's not a fix and you still need to put in the work. 

But, you know all this already, so I will stop here. 

Keep shteiging in Yeshiva, that's your name after all!

Thank you to each one of you who took the time to post their thoughts, share them offline, press “thank you,” and those who read and commiserated with me during this time.

I rejected the offer.

A large part due to all of you. In addition to my friends I spoke with here in Yeshiva.
It’s so crucial to have chaveirim that understand you and are Bnei Torah. This way when one deviates they can turn to their friends to get them back on the דרך הישר.
I experienced this בחוש these last few days.

Had I not returned to Yeshiva a few weeks ago I think there would be a big chance I would’ve taken the job.

A good friend of mine told me over Shabbos “if you’re gonna take the job then at least make sure no one knows you’re from Yeshiva because it’s a chilul Hashem…”
And it’s true, I would’ve been embarrassed to say where I’m from and would’ve made something up in order to fit in.

What am I if I have no grounding principles?
One who is swayed by money and other external influences has no Self. No central I.
This I think is the pshat in the pasuk at the beginning of Tehillim about one guided by Torah, is ״והיה כעץ שתול על פלגי מים…ועלהו לא יבול…״
And the opposite is ״לא כן הרשעים כי אם כמץ אשר תדפנו רוח.״

Once I remembered that pasuk, my decision was clear.
I want to be a person with integrity, this transcends Yidishkeit, this is basic אדם’keit.
And yesterday as I drove the Mashgiach for an hour somewhere, I was happy with the decision I had made.

YeshivaGuy

thank you for the inspiring post.  it is amazing how quickly one can climb when overcoming a tough nisayon.  

for me, in order to keep up my facade for many years, i had to lie constantly.  i didn't even think twice about it. 

your point about integrity definitely resonates.....

keep inspiring us!

געוואלדיג!!!!

(!!!Awesom"e בלע"ז)

A M A Z I N G!!

YG (young guy), this live recording was going around and it maybe awesome for many Gye’s here. 

I was wondering what you think about it?
“The Shame Around Addiction - Is It Helpful or Unhelpful?”
by Eli Nash & R’ YY Jacobson 
Check it out at share.yidpod.com/41g3NEk8RJ5wRXau7

Markz wrote on 28 Mar 2022 19:08:

I’d be interested to check it out, thanks!
That site is r on my white list though, you can lmk if it’s on TorahAnyTime or something.

Back to the less exciting topic of everyday struggles with kedusha.
I care about not watching bad stuff.
I’ll spare you guys a whole megilla here.

B’kitzur, been nichshal a lot. Like masterbated 4 times in last two days and seeing bad music vids etc.

There’s gedarim I can put up, some better than others.
I’m unsure which I’m willing to put up at this point.
I don’t want this to continue though.
I think I’ll discuss with my therapist tomorrow.

Have a gn,

YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 29 Mar 2022 04:37:

I have a hunch it’s too explicit to get onto TorahAnytime….

Markz wrote on 29 Mar 2022 04:45:

You can check in the GYE video section, I think it's there.

I think this is what you are looking for gye.vids.io/videos/a79eddb11d18e6c02e/eli-nash-and-rabbi-yy-jacobs-discuss-p-addiction