YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Oct 2021 06:00:

I kind of relate to this. Years ago I once watched a movie about a girl (who I guess was missing love in her life) and used to cry and get emotional every time she saw someone else express emotion in public etc. among other things...
I was so emotional and used to think like 'hey that's me' Wow I also get emotional when I see emotion.
And besides what I guess was good inspiration I guess, came the mushy part where my mind went all over the place because of it... I watched it over and over...  Was really hard to get past it.

Hey YG, U OK?

Was literally thinkin' the same thing...
YG, please don't let Shabbos in Grodno be a cliffhanger!
IMG

Thanks for asking how I’ve been.
Havent masterbated or seen bad stuff, but that’s completely seacondary to what I’ve been going though…

I can’t quite put into words what has happened over the last week, and that which I could put into words, I won’t.

At some point there’s just so much going on that all I can do is look up to Hashem with longing eyes feeling broken, lost, and shattered, and say “Hashem. just save me. You are all I have,” give a deep sigh, and then take three steps back to finish shmoneh esrei, with a heavy heart yearning to be free…

I hope to return to Yeshiva tomorrow and meet with my therapist on Tuesday, bezras Hashem.
I have no idea how everything can work out..
At this point I have surrendered control to God.
I have absolutely nothing to say. 
I have been broken.

I go to sleep tonight with these words reverberating throughout every fiber of my being:

GD, You win. You have defeated Me. You are King.
I come from nothing, am nothing, and can’t move on without You, as I have no independent existence.
הושענא למענך אלקינו הושענא

The speechless,

YeshivaGuy

For a speechless fellow, you expressed yourself very well. 

You have a big oilam rooting for you and davening that Hashem give you menuchas hanefesh in heaping doses. May He heal you very soon.

31 days clean from watching shmutz on YouTube etc.
The Knas system I made with HHM has helped a lot bh, as there’s unfiltered internet throughout my house.
The streak number bar thing is for masterbation, and it’s a few days off.
As far as Inyanei Kedusha is concerned, bh I’m pretty happy with things, and if everything in the arena of Mental Health was good, then I’d seriously consider dating in the near future (but I’m not cuz of the probs).

Anyway, Im driving back to Yeshiva early tomoro morning (a week late).
Then meeting with my therapist.
Really big and deep issues have come up.
I discussed a lot of it today with my psychiatrist, and was advised to discuss/deal with it further in therapy.
I know that many people go through a lot of pain that’s definitely worse than mine.
But for me, I just feel consumed with emotional pain so deep and debilitating.
Despite this though, I hope to be at least somewhat functional in Yeshiva.

This winter zman is set aside for these inyanim of mental health etc.
And it will be painful. Heartrenching and painful. And right now I don’t even know how I can handle more of that, but there’s no turning back.
I won’t be able to learn nearly as much as in the past.

But if I can’t give Hashem my mind with Limud HaTorah, then at least I can give Him My Heart. My life. And say: This is Yours, take it and save it.

I am leaving my smartphone at home.
Thank you HHM for insuring I do that.
Those who have my number can be in contact over text. I will pop in once in awhile bezras Hashem.

I am afraid, I really am. I have no idea why I’m returning to Yeshiva if I’m in this state that I’m in. But I hope to do like my Rebbi advised, to not push too hard and to realize that this is the Ratzon Hashem for me right now.

Please daven for me, please do, because I can’t bear this pain forever.

The confused, conflicted, and afflicted,

YeshivaGuy

YeshivaGuy wrote on 12 Oct 2021 00:38:

Thanks for sharing. 
We are with you in this!!!!

A Yeshiva has many benefits outside of the Beis too. It may be a calmer environment for you than at home. No? 

Yes 100% though being in a dorm as plenty of cons…

We'll miss you but we're davening for you and rooting for you. You never know what kind of amazing yeshu'os Hashem has in store for you

Davening for you brother, PMd you my phone number if you ever need someone to call while in Yeshiva. Call me whenever, legit.

You have a large fan club of admirers rooting for you by the sidelines. Many are not sure how to respond to your pain; nevertheless they truly care. May Hashem give you menuchas hanefesh and help you accept these past issues and move on from the pain. Iyh you will be able to be a great listening ear and supportive shoulder for many others who unfortunately will need similar assistance. Look at the yeshiva as a teivas Noach. Much safer as far as technology (but of course be careful with friends' "kosher" phones/laptops), and your daily sights and happenings there are cleaner and sometimes more inspiring. It sounds like your rebbi is advising not to be a perfectionist and get tough on yourself about how many hours you learn or dafim you complete. Accept that and understand that we all have tekufos that are challenging, where we need to relax and "chill". Hatzlacha tzaddik!

P. S. I hope you realize who you are. Despite this emotional gehenom you describe experiencing, your eyes have been clean for over a month and you have greatly minimzed masturbation. I am in awe. When i traversed my anxiety ridden yeshiva days, it was masturbation 3 times a day on the average. You are a hero.

Woke up in middle of the night and masturbated. I reset the count cuz I think I had enough daas at the time.
Not going into anything else, but I learnt first seder today and joined a gym.
Hatzlocha

just keep fighting, we're with you

Things are potentially looking a little more promising.
We’ll see what happens.

Take care,

YeshivaGuy

Hey your awesome, I’m sorry for the deep pain your in  I hope it works out for you soon and you heal very quickly Iyh! Many of us relate to you and know what it feels like! Your going through alot.. be kind to yourself and Hashem measures according to the hardship and pain.. You can get through this! Hey, look what you’ve gotten through until now.. your almost at the finish line I’m sure you- (the powerful strong you that held out through so much already) can get through the rest! Rooting for you! Hatzlacha.