Just a brief update: shnitzel is a father to a healthy child, and bh is doing awesome. 


It's incredible that the last time I watched porn was like 1.5 years ago.


I just want to say my following point for all bochurim/singles reading this: 


"Does marriage help or not?" I constantly had the same question, and so who wants to hear the truth?


So my opinion is that marriage definitely helps tremendously however only if as a single you gave it all you got. only (but not limited to) if you actually spoke it over with rav/mashpia, went to therapy, had others on gye helping etc.


If so, why are there so many on gye that claim marriage made it worse for them? Why are most on gye married? 

My theory is, that because unfortunately they didn't know about gye when they were still single so they didn't get a opportunity to figure it out then. They weren't so lucky like you. 

Now, if someone didn't use gye tools and really fight it as a single then based on most people on gye marriage will make it worse and I understand it partially. The guilt you have once married, is much worse and you then realize that seemingly there's no light at the end of the tunnel. 


I didn't manage to put a complete stop to acting out before I was married, but I constantly fought and that's what it is about, constantly fighting. But if you do that, most probably marriage will help you have a healthy outlet and keep you clean from seeking unhealthy outlets, like it bh does to me. 


May hashem help me to constantly stay clean without having any  urges which occasionally happens once in a while.


In short singles listen up: fight fight fight now!! This is your chance to fix it, to have an amazing marriage without constantly battling the urges. 

Good luck to all, may hashem help us all!! Thanks hashem for helping me till now!

Mazeltov! Very exciting news
I've been reading through your thread, it's very inspiring to see your path of growth. 

Mazel Tov.
And thank you so much for the insight.
Bezras HaShem I shall heed your words

Mazel Tov lots of Yiddishe Nachas!!

Mazel tov!  A sach nachas!   Keep inspiring tzaddik....  We need guys like you to post.

Hey everyone, 

First of all a shout-out to Yeshiva guy, keep rocking!! Fight fight fight!

I personally think that if not for the fact that I'm currently married I won't be able to stay clean for too long the way I am now. 

BH I'm married and have a healthy outlet, although not always possible e.g. when wife is a nidah etc. 

My marriage is a healthy distraction from my urges. I very rarely have urges, very rarely lust but I do sometimes lust. Is my marriage making me lust less, or have I just trained myself? 

I don't know, and didn't have enough time to tell because all the tools I tried didn't actually keep me clean always, one thing did, marriage! 

Most probably I can assume marriage actually helped, or maybe it's just a distraction. Whatever the case is, marriage is helping me tremendously! 

Why am I saying this? Because there's some lucky single people on gye which fight and try various things, however it doesn't always seem to work for them. 

They're being told marriage doesn't help, which might cause confusion or cause them to give up completely fighting. 

So I'm saying as "someone who was there" that personally marriage was ultimately what keeps me clean. Does it mean it'll help them? Possibly yes and possibly not? 

If they fight and fight as a single, big chance it'll help, who knows? But big chance yes.

Porn definitely has an advantage which marriage will never give you, but end of day what gives you a good feeling in the long run? What helps you emotionally?

I'll let you figure out. 

One thing is clear singles, continue fighting, never give up, marriage has a huge chance of helping you stay clean once and for all, if you fight as a single. 

And realize that yes indeed one day you'll Iyh marry a beautiful frum girl and you'll have a healthy outlet iyh, the fighting now is just temporary, it's very worth it in the long run!  Acting out once married is a horrible feeling, and makes the fight so much harder!

All the fighting you did as a single will give you so much nachas, as you'll see it helped you so much! 

Again only if you fight fight fight now as a single!

Hatslocho everyone!!

Love shnitzel,

Thank you so so much 

Nice message ...

I personally was not zoche to find Gye before marriage and it caused plenty of difficulty particularly with my emotional health .
I would imagine that if I had gotten here as a bochur and gotten to work , it would be in a completely different world ,
so yes all bochurim out there , it may seem impossible, never ending , and not getting results ,but keep in mind the incredible gains will play a more practical tangible result once you iy’H get married.

cordnoy wrote on 28 Jun 2018 19:38:

Here you go!

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/258999-African-American-Slonim-FFB-LGYB

saveme123 wrote on 02 Jul 2018 16:54:

How u been?
Maybe start your own thread and join the family!

#500 days! Who'd believe! 

I don't have much time to write but bh for marriage which ultimately keeps me clean. 

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 13 Dec 2020 05:59:

Dear Schnitzel, 
Mazel tov on becoming a Dad.
It must feel so rewarding. May you have much nachas from him.

On the other note.
​I vehemently disagree that marriage is an answer to lust problems. IN fact if someone doesnt get over these lust problems it could only make marriage harder. Let me bring an example from Reb Grants story. The man thought that women love have S*X and therefore they will be able to have it whenever, but when he wasn't getting what he thought he should he went right back.  
Marriage is only a bandaid, but is not the fix. Once a women has a children, she doesnt look like a kallah maidel anymore. Ya, those pimples could get in the way of her looks.
Please everyone out there you need to love for other reasons besides for looks and sex. 
If marriage is all about sex, in my opinion you are doomed for failure. You may not always feel satisfied. I learned the hard way, when I thought I could get sex whenever I wanted. My wife told me no, that she is incharge and when she is ready then we will have it. BH sex is much different that way. She is happier and so am I. 
Guys dont get married bc you have lust. Get help professionally and then when you are ready get married. You could ruin your marriage just bc you think that you will have as much sex as you want. Women are also people not dolls to be poked. 

Sorry for venting 

Eyes

Oh yes please keep on praying 

If you read my thread you would see I'm not disagreeing with you at all. 
I agree marriage isn't the fix. 

I disagree though with those that say marriage doesn't help, it does certainly help if you worked on the lust before marriage and gave it all you got. 

I never got married for sex or looks, I got married thinking I'm gonna struggle with lusting based on the advice on gye, but bh learnt the happy way;)

I think it's unfair to make a blanket statement that marriage doesn't help, and to frighten those bochurim trying to overcome their struggle.

If you gave it all you got as a single, go into marriage happy and obviously cautious but main focus is on the happy part.

Feel free to argue but only if you have the experience. 

Here's my take. 

Many people have experiences either way. Some get married and they're lust levels spiral out of control, yet some get married and experience a satisfaction and a lowered level of lust. Both are legitimate experiences. 

The way I see it is like S&K is saying.  

When one enters marriage with the same lusty perspective he had while being single, expecting all his desires to be fulfilled and to be able to suddenly control himself when it comes to acting out, then yes marriage can not only be unhelpful, but at the same time can be detrimental and bring him to even lower levels.

For many reasons. Just to mention a few. 

1) When viewing sex from a purely lust point of view, a person constantly needs more intensity to give him the same high, marriage doesn't necessarily lend itself to that. (That realization, that he'll never feel fulfilled, can set of a feeding frenzy.)

2) In addition a person cannot (necessarily) have relations with a spouse as often as he is used to acting out.

3) Most importantly, when one is used to any amount of women doing whatever he desires at his fingertips, then one woman, especially one not as skewed as him, will never suffice.

4) Sexual activity is pretty much going to happen. And once those feelings enter the doorway, more lusting is practically inevitable. (When not done properly)

5) There's always going to be a prettier and more attractive woman. Someone is definitely going to have a better looking wife, and a wilder bedroom life. Lust is never complacent or satisfied. 

That's just listing a few. I'm sure there are many more reasons.


On the other hand, when one learns to approach lust with the right mindset, then marriage can indeed be s helpful answer. It can be the balm he was searching for.

He now has a healthy, kosher outlet for his normal male sexual desires. He now has a female companion to satisfy regular necessities. He's not expected anymore to go years and years without ejaculation. He now can enjoy the female body in a safe and mature way.

(This is all besides now having additional reasons to remain clean. Love. Loyalty. Guilt. Fear.)

Personally, I can say with validity and certainty, that I would not be holding where I am holding if not for being married. Originally before joining GYE, marriage wasn't the answer, and only led me to feeling more guilt and like a horrible person. But after learning the proper and healthy manner to approach this topic, marriage is going hand in hand as an antidote to years and years of twisted lusting.

So to sum it up. Marriage can be a tremendous help for a healthy male sex drive, yet it is the most flammable of liquids to the fires of lust.

                                  Grant

P.S. This is all beside the point, that when a luster gets married, he most probably will destroy his marriage at worst, or put his poor, innocent, sweet wife through bitter h*ll at best.

saveme123 wrote on 02 Jul 2018 16:54:

Hows it goin?