cordnoy wrote on 02 Jul 2017 05:53:

I'm going blank, whats the reference? Thanks

bear wrote on 02 Jul 2017 07:20:

That it doesn't use the word "tamei."

That saying something out loud has a roshem on your neshama is also simple psychology. Educators for years have said to study while saying the words loud enough so you should hear it will help you remember the material better.
Of course that's also the way to learn mussar isn't it?

That's a Gemora too. 

Not exactly sure what you mean. If you mean that I am speaking to a freind about trying to have sex and how she is attractive and she isnt then i agree. 

But do you mean sharing with other program people about what you see or fantasize. For example on shabbos i saw a women in a pool. I shared to a friend in recovery that i saw her and i couldnt stop. I shared what she looked like. Also for fantasy, i share my fantasies. Explicility. What the girl is wearing (or not wearing ) Etc 

It helps me bring it out into the light, outside my head. It helps me break the power of the fantasy, of the lust. 

dms1234 wrote on 02 Jul 2017 19:29:

In recovery there are people who need to shine the light on their fantasies at a meeting, to a sponsor/partner/therapist. On those occasions they are encouraged to speak explicitly, so obviously if that applies to you, do it. Part of my breaking free from masturbation was and is repeating the word again and again when speaking with those who were helping me. Similarly when I am attempting to help others we speak very explicitly about sexual matters. However during all other conversations with everyone else we should all strive to speak in an elevated clean and holy manner. I believe that that is what dms was pointing out.

DMS1234 and HashemHelpMe,
Thanks for the point. Ok I think I get it. Its sort of like Loshan Harah. If no Toelles do not say; but if Toelles I BETTER say.  
Thanks

Yesterday a not clean magazine showed up at my house in the mail. When I saw it I threw it out right away. But than a couple minutes latter I went back and took it out of the garbage and looked through it.(next time i should make sure to bring the garbage bag outside). After I was crazy enough to think since I feel I might as well watch stuff now, because I do not have a streak to ruin. So I went online and watched stuff I really should not of. This gye recovery thing has been a draining experience.

On a positive note, i did not watch certain things, because i was limited to a filtered computer; because i used taphsic not to use the ipod. So i guess, I should think about expanding my taphsick.  

If I start lusting anything is possible even if i took it out to the trash. The key is to not start lusting....

Thanks dms1234.
The challenge here was no one in my house purposely ordered the magazine. We ordered other clean magazines and for some reason the company also sent us randomly this unclean magazine. I was caught off guard, caught my balance but than fell.  

dms1234 wrote on 07 Jul 2017 22:10:

I lost my key...

I hear but thats why i have to be ready for anything. The first look is on God. But the 2nd one on me. So when i see that magazine with that attractive lady on it even if i get enticed, if i am on my recovery game, i should be able to be: "God I am powerless over lust. I have to admit that i really want to look at the magazine right now. It hurts not too. But i know it will overtake me, it could kill me. So God i am giving it up to you. i am going to walk away." Thats when I call somebody and share what happened. 

Friday, i was in the backyard. The neighbours have a pool and their daughter got home. I was like "YAY: Go in the pool. Go in the pool!!!" I kept on looking at the pool, at their backdoor hoping she would walk out in a breathtaking bathing suit. I realized that I am insane. Why am i doing now? So i gave it up to God. 

dms1234 wrote on 09 Jul 2017 16:29:

Dont you have a filtered pool?

I have a problem. 
I have spent the last week in the mud.
But why do I need last week for this epiphany.
All I need is the weeks of the past decade.
Some weeks were clean, could be most. But some weeks were gross.   
Is it an addiction, I really don'y know. 
What I know is a struggle with graphic nudity. 

I sit in my Tzitzis dressed so pure.
As my heart and eyes take control. 
I like to think I am someone special.
what makes me special is my acting. 
My acting is so good, even I'm sold. 

The first step of recovery is to admit. 
I have to acknowledge I have to admit I am really sick.
My sickness and symptoms are the same, I choose to watch shmutz.  

I have the same problem since I was 13 or 14. I actively try to find ways to see nudity as graphic as I can. I have allready watched shmutz on six days in july.

I started watching stuff in eighth grade on the computer and cleaning ladies ipod. In high school, I continued watching shmutz online, i spent much time on youtube looking for the worst. I also stayed up late to watch really bad shows on HBO. The average non shabbas night in high school I probably would spend hours watching shmutz. In 12th grade i tried to stop. when i would get an Aliya i would try to say please please try to hold on to next laining on Wednesday. Many times I did not. in 12th grade just to last a few days was a real killer.
On the night of the internet asifa, when everyone was being mechazeik i was being mechaleik between myself and klal yisrael by staying up late and watching. 
I went to yeshiva in Israel and knew if I could hold off during bien hazmanem i can really gain significant amount of time clean in order to kick the habit. came back for pessach and fell flat on my face. Same thing happened over the summer. Went back to yeshva shana bet feeling like scum. Did not go home for pessach. so when i came home for summer i had a nice streak. I worked during the day. but at night i was so tempted. i would not allow myself to even go on the computer for anything during the begining of the summer in order to avoid testing myself. When my work ended i knew i would have plenty of time during the day, and did not want to be tempted. The day after my job ended. i found a camp to run to, to flee from my house computer. after camp i had time alone at home. and low and behold i had a fall and started a bad fall lasting a few days. i remember feeling i blew it, everything i invested and worked for in yeshiva was for nothing. I was super depressed. than college classes started and i got a laptop for college work. originally i was so proud i had my own computer that i did not do bad stuff eventually i fell. I read dear bacher, and only finally did i install a filter. this was in my third year after high shcool. I am now in the summer after my fifth year out of high school. and i am still really struggling with watching and being tempted to look at completely undressed girls. I spent most of last night and much of last week and much of last few weeks looking for graphic stuff. 
Thats the summary of my struggle. I do not know if I am an addict or not. 
what i do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that i struggle and have a problem.