Hatlacha Rabbah in camp!!

You may want to get someone's number, even one person can be a life saver!! There's nothing to be afraid of, we're all in the same boat!!

Looking forward for you return!!

Came back from camp today. I was very busy almost the whole month. Had a few minor slips but nothing too bad.

Trying to catch up with GYE and what I left before. Really nervous and anxious about this coming year. I start yeshiva this Sunday. Not much else to say now. I really missed the connection to GYE and its members. Didn't really get such a chance to connect deeply in camp but I did meet a few really good guys.

Trying to figure out what needs to be done and what I want to do.

Overwhelmed.

I was texting my old higschool guidance counselor the other day. I just moved into yeshiva and was trying to reconnect with someone who I haven't spoken to in a while. I always wanted to open up to him about my addiction and related issues but was always too scared.

I wanted to hint to him so he at least knows that something's going on. I said that I was working on getting help for some issues. He asked if I would like to talk about it. I said maybe some other time. Wanting to continue the conversation I said that I had made progress in one area and was getting help from a frum online resource. He said that he would love to hear more.

I was faced with one of the hardest decisions of my life. I wanted to open up to him and have dreamed about it for 3 years. I was so scared. The opportunity was too perfect to pass up, I took the plunge.

I responded that I was working on shmiras ainayim and shmiras habris. I said that enough was enough and I was looking for help. I told him about GYE. He responded that he was so proud and admired my strength. He said that we should speak on the phone in 2 days. Before I called him I was the most nervous I had ever been in my life. we spoke for a hour about my struggle and what I was doing to help myself. I told him more about GYE. We both agreed that I should talk to my rebbi some time in the future. He wants to speak a little more next week.

To those who have been hiding for so long, YOU DON'T HAVE TO! Speak to someone you trust. It is a very liberating feeling. I am a really nervous, shy, and anxious person and never though I would ever tell anyone, but I did. You can get help. You don't need to do this alone. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I am still nervous but at least I'm past the hardest stage. It has liberated me and opened up so many more opportunities. Don't pass them because you won't have the chance for ever.

I have a long way to go but I have made a very important first move. I still don't believe I did it. I just wanted to share my story with you all.

Welcome

WOW! AWESOME! MAZAL TOV! May this be the beginning of true recovery!

I'm at day 81 now. It's been hard keeping up now that I'm busy in yeshiva. Been down these past few weeks. I had to go home for my great uncles funeral. This posed many challenges for me including shmiras aynayim and negiah. I did pretty well I think. It was a very tough time being around my family. I have virtually no religious relatives. I have a handfull of non-jewish realtives. As I get older and more aware I become less comfortable around them. I have also been bored lately which is never good.

With G-d's help I'll be at 90 between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I't a huge milestone for me and I'm really excited. It's only a start but a good one at that.

Have a wonderful and meaningful Yom Tov.

Good to hear from you. Stay in touch!

I reached day 90 yesterday! Surprisingly it passed like any normal day. I probably should have done something special but I'm in yeshiva and don't really have that luxury. Maybe when I'm home for Yom Tov.

Being home will present the usual challenges: internet, TV, movies, people, lack of awareness by my family, non frum and non jewish relatives.
I'll be much more connected to GYE so that should help a lot.

I have been pretty down lately. I have no one to really get down to business with. I tried to speak to my rebbi about things that were bothering me but it wasn't on the emotional level that I wanted. It was more like me listing some physical issues in yeshiva and him just working on them. It may be from me not really opening up emotionally myself. I am hesitant to do this because I don't really know what's bothering me. I can't just go and randomly say "I'm sad" or "I'm anxious". He's busy, he's not my counselor, and his job is to work out issues in yeshiva. If there is no clear issue it's hard to get anywhere.

The result of this is me sitting lonely and bored in my dorm many nights. I lost interest in doing stuff and grow lazy. I am easily annoyed and don't want to be around people because of it. I am frustrated that I can't convey my feelings to anyone. I am nervous and anxious about the future and find it hard to get through the day. I have no drive to do anything.

I have actually not reverted back to my old ways regarding lust even though this is the perfect breeding ground for it. I realize that I must get help to some degree to keep myself safe.

The way things are now, I don't see how things will get better.

Mazel Tov!

Mazel Tov on 90 days!! KUTGW!!!

Does your Yeshiva have a Mashgiach or Mashpia? he would be the one whose job it is to help you with these kinds of things.

Mazel tov!!!

Abd מזל טוב ninety times!!!
If I was in your shoes I'd pm or email one of the young elders here, for support and more

MAZAL TOV!

Why not go to him and tell him you are feeling sad, anxious, lonely and it is taking a toll? Tell him you can't put a finger on it, and just see what happens. If he is astute, maybe he can help you. Just a thought.

Thank you all for the support. Now I'm home for Sukkos. I'm already feeling a heightened lust drive. Just the whole vacation/back to the old days mentality. So many things around me that I have little or no control over.

In the past few days I have been getting very strong and vivid memories of specific things from my old ways. My Yetzer Harah is really trying to fill my head with detailed memories that bring me back to those times. It's hard not to fall back into the old habit of not really thinking and doing what I used to do for so long. It's just a natural instinct to do certain things.

I hope that I can keep from being depressed at home. In yeshiva it's easier to stay away from lust because I'm so isolated. At home it's a different story. Just being home puts me in that mentality. The feelings, the situations, the people, the freedom, the electronics, even the smells. It's amazing how the body works like that.

On the one hand being home is good because I need a break from yeshiva and I need to see my family. On the other hand the things that I like to do at home pose challenges to me like movies, TV,being around relatives, going out, and so on. It's a confusing situation. I come home to my old world full of challenges and an unaware family.