I am glad to be here. I have been hesitant to write an introduction share, because I really didn't know what I wanted to write (and I still don't). I have a hard time writing or saying anything, unless I think it will somehow be impressive or show off my deep insight into matters, LOL. I'm glad that I have at least reached a point where I can laugh at myself. I was at the store a couple weeks ago and after I finished shopping I opened the hatch door on my minivan to load up my stuff and ended up sitting down on my bumper and just laughing at myself. I had met this young man at AA meetings, who in addition to being an addict was dealing with obvious mental issues. His behaviors were often inappropriate to the setting. He was fidgeting, talking out, commenting during shares etc. (He started hitting piano keys in a meeting.) Every time he did or said anything it was extremely funny because it was so ridiculous. It was obvious he couldn't control himself and I wasn't laughing at him to make fun, it was just so ridiculous. I started to realize that I am just as ridiculous as this kid. I was for the first time in my life able to step outside of myself and just look at my condition. Just as this young man's condition was no laughing matter, neither is mine and yet somehow I think I was having a break through at that moment. I felt that if I could make it through that day, I could make it through any day.

An observation I have made about myself, since I have been here, is that a check mark on the 90 chart is a more effective deterrent or incentive to me than the other extremely severe consequences my addiction can lead to. This is often the way of the compulsive addictive mind. Completely ridiculous.

Heck of a nice first share.

Lookin' forward to the second edition.

The 'check mark' for today is what's important.

b'hatzlachah

hi there
welcome to the club.

looking forward to hearing more,

it seems that you like to find logic in your ways, me too.

but it may help us to see what other tools are available, opening up to a friend, getting some kind of goal, learning to live the day, etc..

stick around, and keep posting.

WELCOME! Keep posting and sharing. I guess you already know the 12 step stuff. Have you been applying it to your SA issues?

Yes, I apply 12 steps to my SA. I have been to one SA phone meeting. My AA sponsor helps with my SA issues, some of which he shares. I also met someone in AA who is dealing with similar issues and he is a chaver of mine now. We speak daily. Both he and my sponsor have a lot of recovery.

So very grateful to have come along this far. I can only hope for another 24 hours. I feel this urge to let down my guard at times. It's like a thought pops in my head or a feeling that says just forget about abstinence for awhile, let a little lust in, it won't be so bad. These are crazy thoughts. It's like a person with a severe peanut allergy thinking a few peanuts would taste good right now. Yea, and may kill you later. I did have a very good day today. I went to the mikveh for the first time since erev Yom Kippur. I didn't feel anything necessarily special, but I did acknowledge the fact that I was going to mikveh without having acted out the day before. I felt like I didn't need to go to the mikveh, but went more out of custom. In the past I'd feel purified, but I was hardly pure. I needed to feel purified just to face another day and so I let myself feel like I was.

On another note I made it to a face to face SA meeting. That wasn't at all easy for me. On the way there I was trying to find any reason not to go. But, I made it and I'm glad I did.

Good stuff and very inspiring!
Keep it coming

Found myself gazing at women today. I have to make an accounting about that right away as I can't afford a slip. Motzei Shabboss has always been a hard time for me and although gazing at women is a far far cry from my acting out. Now, I know that I am no match for this disease, so making up my mind not to look at women tomorrow is likely futile, and knowing that what I CAN do is work my program, I think I'll do that and most likely if I work the program I won't look at women.

I'd say, forget about tomorrow. Just focus on not looking at women today, and more specifically, right now. You gotta take it one day at a time. Hatzlacha!

Hey Serenity,
Nice to hear your story.
It's interesting that you mention about laughing at yourself.
We take yourself so seriously sometimes. it helps to loosen up on life.
I am a perfectionist, which adds fuel to the lust many times. If I could take things with a grain of salt, it would help with my attitude and character defects many a time.
Good luck.

Great to hear about the meetin'.
How'd it go?
b'hatzlachah

The meeting went well, thank you. I plan to go back.

That's great to hear.
I went for five or six months.
Now, I have a sponsor from there.

Yes, I would like to get a sponsor, sooner rather than later.

We had a fruit fly problem in our house and I was going crazy trying to solve it very ineffectively. I hadn't realized how bad it had become, until we noticed a lot of fruit flies just hanging out on our ceiling. So I Googled up some advice. Long story short, I put apple cider vinegar and dish washing liquid into a cup. Having no patience and also thinking that our fruit flies seemed pretty happy to just stay up on the ceiling, I started bringing the cup to them. Lo and behold they pretty much just jumped right into the cup to their death. Until that point I had been trying to spray them or swat them etc and they have a very quick self preservation reaction to get away, but put some apple cider vinegar and they happily jump in. As I'm watching them jump in, I'm thinking isn't this me with my addiction. All my seichel and natural instinct for self preservation and common sense become irrelevant and I just jump right in and drown.