Hi Shvisi,

Don't lose the war by fretting over the battle. After a fall is a war zone, JUST KEEP ON MARCHING, do not over analyze why you fell.II've had similar experiences in the past, it feels like you masturbate on autopilot. Zero thought involved. It always would happen right upon awaking. Personally I consider it like a wet dream, I am not fully cognizant of my actions at that time. Don't worry so much about this fall. Just start fresh and move forward, you are doing so great!

Now for the analysis...
You write that you felt so relaxed, however your post doesn't reflect that. Is it possible you have been white-knuckling these few days/weeks? That can explain the relaxed feeling of releasing the sexual tension. Afterwards depression/guilt would normally kick in, as evident by your post. Depression is anger without any action. Beat the YH, wirh a positive reaction. I also thought I'm clean for a while. Lately I've been noticing small lust periods, a peek here, a fleeting thought there. It used to be heavier things that got me sexual tense, now it is these small, not counted, under 3 seconds, slips.

Regarding the nap, I can only write what works for me. I'd be a zombie without it. Perhaps learn a while before getting into bed, for 2 reasons. 1, you shouldn't sleep right after a full meal. 2, by thinking in Torah, that should be a Shmira.

Hatzlacha Rabba, KOT!

So sorry to hear of your fall. But look, you made it 40+ days the first time you tried! In every journey there are setbacks, but in a successful journey the forward progress outweighs the occasional bump in the road. The goal is not instant perfection, just constant improvement. Don't let this get you down. Keep on Monstuh truckin! 

lionking wrote on 04 Jun 2017 10:54:

I try do the last thing Lion said

And there's a saying on what our sages say ״יתגבר כארי לעמוד״

If one goes to sleep like a lion(king) he wakes up like a lion
אז איינר גייט שלאפן ויי אן ארי ועקט מען אוף ויי אן ארי, אבער אז מען גייט שלאפן ויי א פערד...

lionking wrote on 04 Jun 2017 10:54:

Thanks a million for your reply, it means a lot to me.

you bet I will keep on marching, but the let down is terrible, but ill try to walk the walk.

What i meant to say relaxed is, that after so many years of acting out, then being clean for 7 weeks, and then having a fall, the fall is like woooooo, i stoped fighting for a minute, it's like running 10 miles none stop, and finally you stop, to catch your breath, its a very relaxing feeling.

Regatding the depressed feeling, im not depressed, im borked, ציבראכן, עס טיט זייער ווי, i cant describe it.

Yes this small lust thing, is horrible, but isn't that our continues fight? thats exactly what it will be the rest of our life, those small lust thing.
thank you anyway, you post will keep me going ahead.

על כל גל וגל נענתי ראשי

Markz wrote on 04 Jun 2017 12:59:

Yes, yes, its very easy to say, but shabbes afternoon is a killer, i might leran before, but it wont help, the minute im in bed, things are getting bad, the question is, what is the right way to go, just eliminate the nap at all? Very extreme?  Or no, just go on with normal life, and be on a mission. 

i just dont know..

Let me explain:

This fight is like, you have this big huge 6.5 feet MONSTER who wants to catch you, for 7 weeks, you run away and he runs after you, we are both runnnnnning eahch from the other, miles and miles, none stope, finally you are at a car on the street and both of you are running around, like cat and mouse, he runs right you runs left, then he runs left and you run right, you know what i mean, but all of a sudden he catches you from behind, no warning at all, you feel those huge hands all over you,.

the feeling is like, from one side, woooo im such a looser, how did he catch me, im running and running for 7 weeks and i managed to run away and here he got me? How and why? I didnt do any wrong move, how did he manage to get me, and from the other side, the feeling is, wow, now i can relax, no more running, no more fighting, im done with that, wasn't an easy run at all, now he got me, ill give in to him completely, who has the Koach and energy to that.

but let me tell you all, im not going to give in like the second option just described, im here to fight, i will get out from his לאפעס, ill show him im stronger then him, and i will win after all.

but 2 things i need to remember after this fall, 1) that im so broked, and i hope ill remember that feeling so ill not fall again, its not depressing at all, its a ציבראכענקייט, you feel lile how in the world did that happen, i didnt watch porn, for 7 weeks, i didnt had any fantasies, i didnt look at any inappropriate places, so why, why did it happen? And it happen in such a sudden way, no warnings, i just find my self doing this act, and in no time i was over, im crying, i cant think any more straight, 2) this shabbes afternoon time, i hate, i dont know how to manage that, but ill come up with a strategy, i dont know yet how.. i hate it with a passion, every single week i had a struggle, i dont know how to handle it...

When I sleep on any afternoon (usually only happens on Shabbos) I have lustful dreams, although wet dreams are not too common. Those dreams can drive someone mad (if they're interested in recovery as you are)
I therefore try to put my head down on the table or lean to on my couch, but no bed time

Shabbos your phone goes on airplane mode
Shabbos afternoon should be airplane seating sleep mode

I know we all deserve 1st class, but when you're a Trucker in the drivers seat / cockpit, a comfortable chair suffices for a doze. That's what I try to do ;-)

I am subscribed to your thread and have been enjoying your Simcha for the past several weeks. Get back up and go! 

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 04 Jun 2017 14:10:

He will always be faster, quicker and smarter.....as long as you're runnin'.

LifneiHashem wrote on 04 Jun 2017 15:00:

Thanks for your support, you can be sure, that tomorrow will be my first new clean cycle, im not goi g to let down my self! Just stick around and stay tuned!

im getting back to my self as the minuts and hours are moving forward. 

Markz wrote on 04 Jun 2017 14:22:

I will try what you do, sleeping after an hour learning and amybe on the couch or on the table.
you cant be more right about trucking, hope we will get the 1st class seat on our upcoming world ותזכין די תיתבון בעילא דרתא

cordnoy wrote on 04 Jun 2017 15:32:

You cant be more right, he is so smart... and i will keep on tsking part in this marathon..... 

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 04 Jun 2017 16:39:

Having a Sefer open on the table in front of you is a Segula to fall asleep. בדוק ומנוסה

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 04 Jun 2017 13:48:

Sorry, I didn't mean depressed as defined by the Diagnostic Manual. I meant the feeling down, ציבראכן feeling.
Maybe trying learning to not run all the time. You are bound to get out of breath. That is what I meant with white-knuckling.
You have a real positive attitude. Keep it up!

Definition of insanity.