I agree that only Hashem can truly keep me sober. But He gives us tools, too.

• He endowed a clumsy alcoholic with Ruach haKodesh to start the 12-step initiative.
• He included Nedarim as a mechanism in Torah fabric to bolster heavier safeguards.

It goes back to that story about the guy in the flood and the boat comes and the helicopter comes and he refuses them, saying God will save him. But what does it actually mean that God will save you? It's an attitude. You can't just do nothing. You have to gauge what will be effective. But the attitude must persist. It's not "the SAA Meetings helped me". It's "God graced me with the right tools of recovery".

And to really internalise it.
It says (I'm ad-libbing) v'amarta bil'vav'cha: KOCHI v'OTZEM YADI ASU LI ES Ha'CHAYIL Ha'ZEH!
My strength and the product of my hand did it all. I did it all. I am made.
But be meda'yek: it says v'amarta bil'vav'cha. In your heart. Why? Because on the surface you rattle off a thousand "Baruch Hashem"s! Celebrities who go up to receive the oscar. They first thank God. But that's a formality. They're thanking themselves.
You sing the tune of B'ezras Hashem, Bli Ayin Hora, Im Yirtzeh Hashem, but what do you THINK? What melody plays in your heart? "I'VE GOT THIS! I'VE GOT IT SORTED!"
More important what tune your heart of hearts sings to. This is the pshat of the pasuk. 


Now I admit nedarim didn't work for me in the past. I even had to be matir one once, in front of my Rov. But something resonates within me when I did the taphsic. It's not the fear of punishment. It's the resolve that I can lessen the punishment if I follow predetermined healthy behaviours before I act out. My taphsic is such: If I just act out, then I am forbidden to eat sushi for 5 years. Now for me, this is murder, because sushi is my favourite food. My mouth waters. I regale audiences with passionate stories of escapades with the beloved dish. 5 years is akin to divorce. Kareis. I CAN'T! But I also stipulated that the 5 years would reduce to 1 year if at any point I made it for 90 days. 
BUT - if I follow these three activities:

• Phone my wife and shmuze.
• Phone a friend from 12-step meetings
• Learn a the daily daf Halocha

and THEN act out, all I have to do is clean the house, scrub the toilets, do the dishes etc (now in South Africa we have slaves who do this for us so it's a chiddush) (joking they're not slaves. But the rest of the world thinks so still)
It's a tool Hashem has given us. And GYE speaks highly of it. And it is a safeguard if a filter breaks for some reason. I'm trying it. And I put my faith in Hashem it works. Or at least is a working component in the larger framework of hishtadlus.

Singularity wrote on 07 Dec 2016 09:02:


Ok, time out- are you serious? You really wouldn't eat sushi for s year or five years based on your neder? You are insanely amazing!!!

You've just shown me that my commitment to not acting out- which I currently don't and think I've been working hard- is a JOKE. Would I give up sushi for five years, or one? I don't think so.

You really have or things in real perspective. And I'm sure that if we don't do everything we can, no sushi after 120 either!

Ok. Hopefully it works out for you. Hatzlacha.

Workingguy: Sarcasm is a terrible form of communication. It's belittling to the recipient and shuts off healthy conversation.

Shlomo24 wrote on 07 Dec 2016 16:09:


Shlomo,

I agree completely. And wasn't being sarcastic at all. I am actually completely blown away that someone would be that serious about his neder and then not try to worm out of it afterwards.

What made you think I was being sarcastic?

Workingguy wrote on 07 Dec 2016 16:46:

Probably your facial expression as you typed the post

I didn't see it as sarcastic at all. But don't herald me YET! --- Haha maybe if you see my streak at 180 then we can talk. Right now I'm just a klutz toying with very dangerous weapons.

And now for a very special (episode) post

Yesterday was as good a day as any. Despite the fact that I felt a supreme high and crashed to an unprecedented low.

BUT WAIT --- My streak still ticks on. So what's pshat? Am I cheating on my 90 days!?? Read on....

Firstly, I submitted my fiction novel for publishing. An amalgamation of 7 years of thought and building these characters. I love them. And I am so happy I finally finished writing a novel. BH I hope it will become super successful and then I can get my wife a house :D

Between mincha/maariv we said tehillim for some people in a car crash, R"l. No idea who, what, where? 

Then we had a Shevra Brachos in the evening. My mother in law babysat, YAY Thank you!! And my wife and I went. Now previously I said it was hard for us to break into community, but last night was wonderful. My wife and I spoke to new people; I really jived with this guy, both of us chareidi but both with knowledge of all secular stuff. It was refreshing. We laughed and stuff. And spoke with other guys, too. It was just such a great night. I was actually enjoying stuff. And I thought to myself, like, what? No gut-wrenching desire to steal home and flick open the laptop? No eyes darting constantly to the ladies' section!? What was this?

Now we got home, and lo and behold the kids were still SLEEPING! (Aah, and now we're home, you know what that means...)
As we try and go to sleep, our oldest, bless her, comes to our room, crying, so we all share the bed. Then the youngest starts crying and the oldest is still awake. and the night before was also a tiring awake night and tonight looked similar. And we were both groggy. Then finally at around 2 AM both babies were asleep and safely deposited in their room. My wife came to lie down and we drifted off to sleep.

"Oh gosh, love...?" Her eyes widened apprehensively.
"What is it?" I asked, slowly peeling away the fatigue, sensing the alarm.
"What's the first name of the father of this family..." she told me the surname. A family I know from a shul whose Rabbi I practically lived at and whose community's children I would entertain on Shabbos with youth programmes for a good year and a bit.
I said, proudly, the first name, as I am not so good at remembering names.
"Oh... oh gosh..." she shot up in a panic.
"What? What's wrong?" I pleaded, as she frantically swiped her phone.
"They... they were in a car crash...."
It clicked, now. Those tehillim. "...What?" My heart raced. Sweat trickled.
"The father's okay... the mother's apparently critical but safe... but one of the children... she died...."
I sat up. Whitened like a ghost. Trying to digest what was actually happening. I know her! I can see her face.... Not even Bas Mitzvah yet....
And the world went all wishy washy. Our oldest walked into our room and joined us. To watch her father sobbing in his wife's arms. Bitter tears. Hinei, Lo Yanum, v'Lo Yishan, Shomer Yisrael. What was this, then? Kaporah? Was there going to be another holocaust?
My chavrusa's married to the older sister. They just got to Israel for a month's holiday.
It's all just a mess. The babies continued to cry through the night. We collectively got like 2 hours' sleep.
I got up and wailed through Birkas haTorah. I went to my other morning chavrusa and we learned in her memory. Tears flowed throughout Shomeh Esrei. Sporadic. But there. It just doesn't sound fair.

But why am I saying this? So you can all cry with me?
Because this is the thrill of living life outside the lust bubble. I could taste it. For good AND for bad. I could actually cry! for something real!!! Beforehand, it would just be the last episode of Friends that got to me.... Now I'm living a REAL life. It's SO much more addictive than all the schmutz. And even if I just managed to peep my head above the torrent for a little bit, that resounding air of reality, actual growth, actual feeling... worth every second. And well, it couldn't have been made possible without GYE, 12 steps, community. Let's keep climbing on each other's shoulders. We'll all make it.

Please daven for the Refuah Shleima of 
Rus bas Sarah Imeinu

And try dedicate the next decision not to act out, l'ilui nishmas this pure soul... 
Avigail bas Rus... don't know the father's hebrew name sorry.... See above about that about me....

Just Checking in.

BH No issues. But PG Just help me through today. Women wearing more and more of nothing the deeper into summer it gets.

Working on a new novel! This time a fantasy of sorts. I like to keep my mind preoccupied.

Singul, great thread so far (i still have three more pages to catch up on )
, there's a lot to comment on, but i just wanted to ask what ever happened with the job? You wrote in september that it was a three month trial period, that would end about now..

Singularity wrote on 14 Dec 2016 08:43:

That is precisely what my mind should not be preoccupied with!

cordnoy wrote on 14 Dec 2016 22:14:

Don't worry, It's Lord of the Rings-esque. Not 50 Shades of ... umm.....

Thanks StillGoing... 

Oh yeah. The Job.

Here's the dealio:

I work on a system. It was going well. But it's on something called ZOHO. The rest of the company is on Salesforce. I don't know Salesforce as much as zoho. So they hired big guys to redevelop it on Salesforce. Four months in, the big guys give up because the system is too complicated. We're still on Zoho. They're getting some more big guys to redevelop it in Salesforce. My system wins. BH. Lol. Oh and the 3-month contract was renewed for another 3-month contract. So I crunch on.

Where's the post with the snake?

II started reading this morning.

Was very busy.

Every break I continued.

Even scrolled down once to see if it wouldI ever end and I realized I was less thanI halfway thru the damn story.

Finally got to the end.

And then a pun!?

I posted there, but it signed me out. Apparently, there is a six hour rule limit on one post.

God almighty! You are one sick dude!

Day 18! BH

One Day at a Time! 
I've organised to run a fantastic route on monday 26 december. And I've been building up since. Felt strong, fit, clean, it's all really wonderful. 3 weeks! Oh yeah!!!

And I've realised that I've been much less controlling of my wife, like expecting her to give whenever I need it (which she does, because she's a tzadekes), but being calmer, more understanding if the moment passes, and definitely stopping myself delusionally thinking that if I don't get some, I will die.

And it's really been showing.
I have to give it to the Taphsic I made. It helps a lot. In conjunction with 12 step meetings, learning to let go of things and working on Emunah. I will try to stay calm in all situations and try appreciate my family more and more.

Friday night will be a big challenge. We're having a Shabbos supper for my sister-in-law and she's getting married again. The thing is, my wife and I are the only frum people that will be there. Everyone else will be fry, I won't know the level of sensitivity towards the kedusha of Shabbos and perhaps it will all go awry, and I have issues with such a situation. But it stems with my seeming sense of control. So I will practice:

• It's not MY Shabbos... it's HASHEM'S Shabbos. I must try my best to keep it for Him, NOT to scoff people for not keeping it for ME. Hashem's in charge of them! And I should just smile and SURRENDER! (Even if in the chaos, my kids like, use their cellphones and stuff, if I have tried my best, then the rest is up to Hashem. Kids are 2 years and 1 year respectively, so it's not a Chinnuch issue just yet...)
• It's not MY event, it's THEIR event, a special time in their lives and this is a way to unite the family. I'm just at a "hotel" keeping "my" shabbos, why would I worry about others?

I identify the struggle. I'm not reb Aryeh Levin (Yet---!)

Besides that, all's good! Looking forward to some relaxation from work next week. Keep myself busy with wedding preparations and exercise and stuff. Learning. Chavrusa's very good. Integration? Working on it. Not sure where to go from here....

Hope you win the 90... race

Well be cheering for you!!

That Shabbes idea is a Strong one!