Well here I am, aaaagain! Actually this is the first time I've posted in this forum but I've decided to give it a 90-days go. Again. Oh boy.

BH married, 2 wonderful kids and a good job. Good learning and constantly striving for closeness to Hashem. Now have to kick this habit.

I'm in two minds. One one hand, it's good to track progress and discuss your falls and high moments. It gives chizuk for the long haul ahead. However is there not also an idea that the less attention you give something, the less of a problem it is? Any ideas?

Well here I am on day 1. The bulk of Shavuos to Rosh Hashonah is about passed. We're in Bamidbar - a desolate stretch of Torah (from Beha'aloscha at least) where we as a nation fell gravely and were beaten time and time again, due to Ta'avah and Kavod. All put to an end by Pinchas's sole act of zealousness, the seal to all the impure outflow. And I feel it reflects in the time of year. Nothing's happening! No Chagim. Worse, 17th of Tammuz, 9th of Av. It's the Yetzer Hara's playing ground and I always get knocked down strongest here. It's a metzi'us.  So I wish to be a phoenix rising from the ashes of a downtrodden nation. And let's all be that together iyH. 

Elul will be a lot easier I feel. It's the desolate months of Tammuz and Av that pose the real challenge. But let's see how it goes. Day 1!

Hi


I think you may be misunderstanding our struggle thinking its an external nuisance, when it usually has more to do with our emotions and escape patterns to the Midbar

Youre welcome to desert the desert and assert your singularity on the GYE TRUCKING Hi-Way

No definitely it's deep and holistically connected to emotions and tendencies. Though Chazal set the Torah Reading cycle with Chochmah obviously and perhaps the themes resonate with the human psyche, the mazalos, etc. Food for thought.

Day 3 and still going strong!! BH

Glad you're here.  I'm back again too.  Day 6 from porn and 7 from acting out.  Not thinking about it is like not thinking about that pink elephant.  Best to acknowledge that your brain is having those thoughts because you're going through withdrawal.  It's normal.  Cravings don't last forever we just think they will.  Have a plan of what to do when the cravings hit and redirect yourself to something positive, something consistent with your values.  Above all self compassion.  

Welcome.  You write deep stuff. I like it.

I've managed to stay clean for 21 days. Longest, probably, ever for me. And without tashmish. Tremendous self control. I feel Alive. Even though it's hard. 

It's been amazing and I've been feeling and seeing hashem guide me along through this process and in my life.
By Krias yam suf, it says vayisau - rashi says they just needed to go, and ein hayam Omed bifnayhem. Once a person goes and says, that's it, then hashem will guide them. And also, the yam disappears. First 1-2 week are really hard, but if you can manage to get through them, and it seems like you're on track to do so, it should get a lot easier. Hatzlacha. 

The summer months are hard for me too. I think it's something about the heat and relaxed pace that makes me let my guard down a bit.

KOT!

Hi.

It's winter for us southern hemispheres people  but it still gets to me. 
7 days and going strong BH!

 Hey, sing, I'll gladly send you some heat and humidity if that's what you're missing .

KOT - and don't forget your snowplow...They are expecting two feet of snow...

 

Day 14! Two weeks BH. One of them Niddah >.< So I hope that goes to show a truer commitment. 

One of the scariest realities is acting out during niddah. It's such a betrayal to your wife, like a stab in the back. Utterly gruesome. It's just scary. She's doing all the bedikos to Metaher herself just for you and you go and ruin it all. Chutzpah! May we all merit to be strong in our struggles, especially in this crucial time of bein ha'Meitzarim. Hatzlocha all!

Singularity wrote on 25 Jul 2016 12:51:

Just curious, how is it more of a betrayal than acting out when she is not during niddah?

I don't think she is doing all the bedkos just for you. our wives do it for themselves and to have a closer  marriage. and we throw it all away when we look at it as its just for s*x.

Bigmoish wrote on 25 Jul 2016 14:31:

Probably not. But just not as dramatic

Okay. Day 7 PG! Just the start of it...*

It's been a trying time. Though let me speak it out and try clarify for myself.

I am at a job where I recently changed positions. When I first started out, things were going great BH I landed in a position where I worked on a system and it was extremely successful. I even got employee of the year!!! --- however the system kinda went on autopilot so I went into the real IT department and *felt* like my work dropped like crazy... I was allocated to mundane, repetitive projects that were really soul sucking (for example, pressing a button and waiting for half an hour for something to happen. And my wife can testify. I had to do it at home. It took a whole night of pressing buttons). It also left me with a lot more time where I wasn't doing anything, and we all know what happens when that happens... So the dangerous thing is I took more and more risks (watched youtube very secretively, the most degrading things, in an open office!) just to get my fix. And I know the trigger. A combination of boredom and very intense feelings of worthlessness. I'm not doing anything. I'll never accomplish anything.

And then a tipping point emerged when I was expected to work late, overtime, weekends, holidays to meet crucial deadlines. Now I know there are a million opinions however my wife and I are adamant on family time and if these demanding conditions were present at the beginning of the job then I probably wouldn't have taken it. So I (and I admit it wasn't handled the best way possible, but I) complained and asked to be moved to my previous position and work on more integration and whatnot.

However the transition was shaky as I was told I exerted a perception of not being motivated and not having done that great work. Which was a hit because I thought I had kept those feelings undercover and just got along with what I had to do. However I guess you can only hide true feelings for so long and it sure did have an impact on my work quality. So my permanent contract diminished to a probationary 3-month contract set to terminate in november if they see no use for me. Which I am slowly coming to terms with, because what's the point of my being in a place of work I have absolutely no interest in, and they don't need me either, just for some money? I don't know. It's a massive cheshbon, what with a family and everything else. And I asked a rav about it too. He said it's not necessarily a bad thing to leave. Even if it's tight financially. Not that my current salary is enough either. But parnossa is up to Hashem. Perhaps He has in mind something much greater for me. And this is obviously all just a test.

So I learned up a new system and improving the current system whenever needed. Yet the interim is still fraught with lots of free time. And being the deep thinker Hashem has blessed me with, I get to worrying A LOT - "I'm stealing from them! Why am I even being paid to be here?? What am I doing??!?? Should I have stayed in the previous position?"
And then in the late afternoon, when most people have left, I go right back to lusting. The dark crevices of youtube (I feel it's like my drug dealer. You hate its guts, wish you could shoot it in the head, but you can't get rid of it. You need it too much), and who knows what's worse out there? Chances are I'll find it. And I'm doing even riskier stuff just wishing I could stop. Just like everyone else here I guess...

And my wife and I are finding it hard to integrate. We have a community of kollel/yeshiva guys, however my wife and I are both ba'alei tshuva having never grown up in that society, both our families are secular and we just don't have an "in" to these guys who have been best friends since they were kids, their families grew up together etc. It's like a massive web of deep history and we're standing there with our tiny spider strands, aimlessly shoving the feeble lines into any small hole we can find. And it's frustrating. And we're both very introverted. We like a small group of friends, small shabbos gatherings. We get so overwhelmed by large groups. I close off, my wife steals away with me. Our relationship is fantastic though! However I don't have a real friend really, it's very lonely when I'm not with my wife. And I can't be with her aaaalllllways. Though that would be nice.
And Rosh Hashona is coming. And I know that I will have a dual perception. On one hand, wishing to do Teshuva and accepting Hashem as king of all, but on the other hand, resenting everything around me because nobody there talks to me, That what's there to this frumkeit if it leaves me lonely and desperate? The children's books are all lies! Where everyone loves everyone and learns Torah all the time. So I tried making friends by learning. Turns out nobody wants to learn. Like They'd rather talk about business or soccer (in commonwealth countries it's a big deal, America). I feel I have no attachment to those things therefore no connection whatsoever to anyone else....

So these anxieties creep up on me:

1. General lack of direction or worth due to not having anything productive to do in large stretches of time at work, feeling too guilty to do other things in that time
2. Lack of connection to others due to vastly different backgrounds, social ineptitude and different interests

and they provoke me more and more to escape into my fantasy world of schmutz.

But I will get up, dust myself off and carry on. Doing what, you may ask? Here's somewhat a game plan:

1. I researched local SA meetings and have found one (absolute hashgocha) on the way home from work at that time as well! and this past monday I was so intent on going, I *almost* did but chickened out at the last second which I do furiously regret. I want to attend the next meeting. It's a mixed meeting. Is that bad? MARKZ! I know you're reading this, you read everything, you're amazing. Is a mixed meeting good or bad? I thought I'd try it out and see. It can't be so detrimental just one time. I just chickened out. But I need to do this.
2. I want to restructure my learning. Right now I am doing the Daf Yomi and Daf Yomi b'Halocha. BH I even went through Bava Kama and wrote 3 of the 4 30-daf tests! But when I finished I felt even worse than usual and since Tuesday have been in a massive slump. Because I thought Daf Yomi is unifying. But I did it by myself (ok don’t think of me as some brain child) and didn’t connect with anyone really. So it only emphasized the loneliness. I want to find a good shiur, like even if I don’t track a lot of ground, I’ll work together in a framework with other likeminded guys. I want to be part of something bigger. And it may help the loneliness.

That’s it for now. One week down, shaky, but strong, I hope. Onto the holydays!

Ok brother 

Lots of similarities I find with you and me, so thanks for giving me a shout

Youtube was my favorite past time 

Boring work or the stagnant times I had recently when I was working from home on different job seeking opportunities, were a recipe for dissatisfaction and lust. Well... so I thought till I joined GYE. 

Then after joining gye and posting daily (which virtually no one else does on this virtual site) something changed for me and I realized that it's not necessarily the outside circumstances of life that drive us to Lust, rather some internal bug, so we just need a little tech support and all will be fine.I would too seek a different job - I couldn't cope in a situation like yoursHey what were you saying about chicken and "mixed" - there's mixed feelings at the SA meeting?I will say, that if I had to choose between "youtubing" objectifying women and worse, or "SAmeeting" with women, I know what I would choose

This week's Torah reading it states "החיים והמות נתתי לפניך, ובחרת בחיים"

I wish you a Shana Tova

לחיים טובים ולשלום

Mark

Let me start by saying both of my parents are Baal teshuva 
I can really empathize with your loneliness in the community
when my father moved us from a small  Jewish community with alot of BT to one of the big heimishe ones it was a big mistake 
It took us kids YEARS to "fit in" and he still doesn't .he belongs in a community where he can watch a ballgame or talk about sports and yes sometimes reminisce about his youth with other guys that had the same upbringing but he doesn't and now that he's older he's getting very depressed.please for your own sake and for the sake of your kids and yes for the sake of beating your addiction explore the possibilities of moving to a community with alot of BT's .you will feel that you belong you will enjoy going to shul to learn etc.etc. wich in turn will eliminate alot of empty time (and we both know what spare time alone does to us )
I might not be the first to suggest this but maybe hearing it from the 2nd generation will give you that push to go live somewhere else