Really happy for you, Sing. Keep up the great work! The house sounds wonderful!

Markz wrote on 23 Jul 2017 02:18:

Started reading through it

Thanks for all the lovely messages all.

dms, we are similar in ways. Though I ducked out of university, haha :D I'm still in your 2013 though so bear with me

Oh my! Thats a lot of posts. I can tell you that the more recent ones are better! Im more healthy now than before. 

If you ever want to chat: email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

Finally see you logged in Sing

How you been?

Breathe!

BH I have open space between projects at work (and a good dose of chess games)

Life is wonderful and fantastic. I love my wife and kids, our wonderful house and community and my job. I am an artist of data. It's all good.

I have been clean since sometime mid-august, I don't really remember. What is most important is today.

I profusely thank my Higher Power for the gift of recovery. My wife and I have become best friends. And we frequently discuss my disease. I tell her why I'm so messed up and what I try do to fix that:

• Monday night meetings.
• Started a Wednesday night co-sponsor meetup with a friend.
• Praying, listening to Dov's recordings and trying my best to surrender! (everything - anger, overreating, lust to name a few)
• Trying to be a good father, husband and trying to remember what I live for and why I make the choices I do.

Here's a thing that happened last night. My wife's family dog died. Shame. That poor thing, it suffered to much in its lifetime. It had an ingrown nail and was in a cast. It once died. Then eventually it just got really thin and its heart could not take the medication and just stopped.

So Thursday night is my anger management night it seems. (oh boy here I go again with a really long post)
We bake challas, my wife and I. She's my best friend. So it's tight. I come home 5:30, and need to leave for night seder at 7:50. So we make the dough quickly. Well the kids were either breaking down or staying up way too late so I was on my own as the wife put the remainders to sleep. Bake bake bake. managed to get a batch in. Just one. Needed to do two more. Asked the wife to do them while I was out. anyway two hours later i got back home and she had fallen asleep with the kids. Now usually I'd flip out, have all these ta'anos that she doesn't really love me etc. And admittedly I was upset, which I believe it's okay to feel upset. So I schlepped the kids to their rooms and tried to keep my composure as I asked my wife if she'd like to come have a hot chocolate in the dining room (which is no longer also the kitchen and lounge!!!)

And as we sat there in silence, her feeling so distraught, my feeling a bit awkward, and she cried and I was wondering if it was because she saw I was upset or if it was because of the dog. I then thought, that's damn selfish of me to think she's crying because of me. Why am I so special? Must be the dog.

And I asked if she wanted to talk and she shook her head but said she wants to hear about my day so I spoke to her and it eased all the tension. She said sorry. And she said she felt bad she made me so cross. I didn't really reply. Well I said something jovial. I still ascertain she cried because of the dog. I don't want to make her cry. 

Maybe it was a fail, who knows. But I know a year ago I would have flipped out insane and gone all ape on her. Wouldn't have made for a fun night. This was much soberer.

Anyways I miss you guys. I hope everyone's doing alright. KOMT!!

WELCOME BACK!!!

Nice to hear from you.

Continued hatzlachah

Thank you for the inspiring share Sing! Wish you tremendous trucking hatzlacha and wonderful Shabbos!

Great stuff. Welcome back!

Hello all

BH I'm clean and recovering. Since Mid-August. It's a big chizzuk for me but more than that maybe it might mechazek others too. That's why I decided to share my clean time with our SAA group, after hearing people's crashing and burning.

I like what Dov said about others falling. "That should have been me! They're doing the work for me!"
And I can honestly thank them for showing me where I shouldn't be.

Updates...

I recently realised a lot of my food bingeing is due to these anxiety tablets I'm taking. Well it could be. They say the side effects are an increased appetite. I had a massive anxiety attack on Sunday and my wife pointed out I had missed taking my tablets for 2 days. Things clicked because I really couldn't control my heart's racing etc.

Someone shared last night about expectations. He called them "premeditated resentment" and it really resounded with me. But I can't resent my wife for her own expectations. I gotta clean up my side of the street.

I realised I'm not alone in my sick thinking. Like, enjoying work because it's an escape from 24/7 with the kids. Some other balabas told me yesterday, "You're not alone. What's the best thing about Friday? There's 2 days left 'til Monday!!" I laughed.

That's the power of the fellowship. Isolation can make me think I'm the worst person in the world and others couldn't be as sick and twisted as I. It's a nice realisation.

Nothing else going on. Will (promise again) try post at least a few times a week. My capacity for getting into a long, drawn-out sugya here is quite low though. Please accept me

Welcome back!!!

Love that line about expectations. Great quote from old-timer TZ (It's in someones signature I forget who) "If I'm acting like I'm pregnant, it's because I'm expecting".

Wow...just read your thread.
I love how open you are with sharing your everyday struggles, it's inspired me more than you can imagine.

You're an amazing person Sing.

Thanks LB. Much love your way <3<3

UPDATE TIME!!

With God's help, one day at a time, I am over my previous streak of 6 months. It has been six months of working steps, building family and lots and lots of discomfort (because life is hard) but invigorating because my head has been clear most of the time. I didn't have that gut-wrenching shame and humiliation of just having acted out. I feel serenity, calmness. Whether times get tougher. well they will inevitably. Kids grow up. Emotional turmoil. Financial burdens we all know too well. But I am grateful for today.

It's uncanny the things Dov explains in his talks apply to me. Like he says, "If you're driving with your pants around your legs masturbating, you're probably an addict". I tug my collar nervously. Flip. That's the path hey, as I reminisce the two times I did that. For the thrill of climaxing while driving. What the heck? Trying to see if I can still drive at that moment? How dangerous. Anywho I wanted to surrender that.

Keeping on keeping on hey. Hatzlocha to all you here.

Interesting Avatar you have
"Wanna solve your problems?... Help others"

Heres the last of the 12 Steps



Ever wonder why it says "try"?

It seems the author had a sense of reality and a sense of humor too!

Its part of the program to help, but imho not the main clincher

Shabbat Shalom brother

Markz wrote on 16 Mar 2018 11:25:

he said sometimes
besides if you wanna mess with Iroh... :D 
But it's interesting what you said.

Quick update

I am having bouts of porn-watching on youtube. I am insane, yes. Nothing has progressed from that. Yet. I know it. Why do I get so disheartened at work? Today's an especially slow day. Damnit.
Should I help others?
I am melting. Paradoxically I feel put together and simultaneously torn apart. I know not which is worse.
I went for a run and my arm is really sore. I have morbid fears of death. Of me, my wife, my kids.
I ask myself if my wife dies, would I act out again? I drive myself crazy.

I went to a bris this morning and the rov of our community was there. We haven't spoken in weeks. I felt overly righteous, that we must have this final confrontation but realised it's not my simcha to ruin for him. I could just phone him.

I realised two things:
- My Torah learning up til now was a form of escape from real life and a teshuva for acting out. Working recovery, my need to escape is much lower than I've ever experienced, and therefore, my desire to learn is nearly out the window.
- The grand battle with the Yetzer Hora sorta brought me to frumkeit and was what was definitely fuelling my frumkeit. Now that I choose surrender, my frumkeit is hampered. And unfortunately my resentment with the Torah community is strengthened. Because memories I have are mainly hurtful, judgemental, critical etc.
Ah, BH I am knee deep in Step 4. I wish to delineate this mess.