Today is day 15

I'm really updating regarding the previous day. I don't feel comfortable talking about a day until the day has passed. As we all know, things may happen even in the dead of night (or especially in the dead of night!)

Yesterday was, by far, the most difficult day of my recovery. But I say that happily, because it was a day of recovery. I've had much more difficult days when I was not in recovery. Days that I, quite literally, wanted to kill myself.

However, like BigMoish's avatar, day by day things have changed. It's sometimes hard for me to believe what life was like, and how things are now.

Anyway... I didn't know what to do with myself yesterday. I tried lying down, read a book, listen to a shiur, etc. Really couldn't find something helpful. And boy was I irritable! The worst of it, to me, was that my kids suffered. I couldn't focus on them, couldn't be present, and certainly couldn't be caring and loving towards them.

I feel, though, that's it's a growing pain. If I've spent about 9,125 days in my addiction, I can't expect that 14 days will change everything.

Like I wrote earlier, I find that music is sometimes the only thing that'll help (once I'm caught up in lust). There are other things that I can really get into beforehand, but once I'm 'caught' I have a really hard time breaking out.

Rejoice with what you did/didn't do.
It's the action that counts.
All you to to deal with now is One day, one minute at a time.

Hatzlocho Raboh.

cordny,

i appreciate your constructive criticism (i can definitely handle that). i am new here so you are right that i should kinda take a chill on the advice giving, but it wont cause me to hesitate from posting:)

thank you for your time and commitment

Hi and WELCOME! It sounds like you are doing a lot of wonderful things. You have spoken to people about your problem. Which is more than many of us have done. I didn't open up to anyone until I was forced. That is caught by my wife. It was hell, and those memories are bitter, but they are bitter-sweet, because B"H, I have been sober since then (~6 yrs.).

We are glad to have you with us. Please share your experience and things you have learned along the way. I'm curious what your addiction therapist has to say. What is his/her "philosophy". A lot of ppl here complain about bad therapists. What has your experience been?

Finally, you mentioned perfectionism. I learned a lot about that from Dr. Sorotzkin. It really helped me a lot. You can find a link to his website in my signature.

Keep on posting!

fresh start wrote:


My pleasure
Keep up the good work.

gibbor120 wrote:


Thanks. Like I mentioned, I really feel like I put a lot of work into my recovery and into my life.

To answer your question about therapists, I went to three different therapists. The first one was short lived. At that time, my father was paying the bill, and wasn't happy with what he was hearing from me, so he stopped paying the bill. Which meant I stopped going to him.

I paid for the second therapist, and he was great. We still keep up our relationship. With his help, I was able to get to a place where I could have a stable and loving relationship. However, my addiction was still in place.

The third therapist was recommended by the second therapist. She is an addiction specialist, and through her I've learned a lot about what triggers me, my traumas, my perfectionism, etc. I've seen a lot of growth, but, like I mentioned, still can't shake this addiction.

Regarding disclosure (which I'm aware is a hot and debated topic) my understanding is that, 'at some point' it's a good idea. Prematurely, though, it can be a disaster. Having never lived through it, though, I can only report what I've heard from others.

I've never gone to Dr. Sorotzkin myself, though I have sent some friends and relatives his way.

Today is day 16

Well, it was supposed to be day 16. I was hoping to celebrate 15 days of not acting out, which would have been my longest streak ever. However, at 1:30 AM this morning, I had a slip.

The past two days have been difficult, and I haven't been in the right frame of mind to use the tolls that I have. Not only 'should I have seen it coming' I did see it coming.

In the past, I used to really beat myself up, and give up. Now, well, I still beat myself up, but not nearly as much, and I feel that this is still my time to shine.

So, the title of this post is misleading. Today is Day 1.

Tzvi

1) You wrote "The longest clean streak I've ever had... 14 clean days in more than two decades". You accomplished what you never did before and made it to 16 days which means I owe $15 already which isn't small money for me. Be proud, and next time lets try to push to day 17. Thanks to you Im still managing to hold strong!
2) I don't like the picture you changed to, I know you're upset...
3) You say music helps you, can you share what type you enjoy? And what type uplifts you?

markz wrote:

I thought it was all-or-nothing regarding the money, but thanks! You are 100% correct, though it's too easy for me to lose sight of the accomplishment. I am very happy that I was able to do what I did, and thank you for pointing it out, so I can stop to think about it!

markz wrote:


It looks like an upset face, doesn't it? I meant it to look like a tough kid.


markz wrote:


It all depends on my mood. But (focusing on Jewish music) it's mostly slower songs, songs that focus on feelings. Some that focus on my relationship with Hashem, or of a child to a father. Examples are

1. Shema Yisroel Elokai (by Sarit Hadad, but you can find men singing it)
2. Yehi Ratzon (Ohad Moskowitz)
3. Dig Down Deeper (Soul Farm)
4. Don't Give Up (Moshav Band)
5. Hamalach Hagoel (Pay Daled)
6. Any other song from Pay Daled
7. Teardrop (Abie Rotenburg)

Like I said, my tastes vary with my mood. I used to listen to non-Jewish music a lot, not so much recently, but (in my opinion) it's hard to find songs focused on feelings and emotions within the Jewish music scene, and I find that those are the songs that help me through my experiences.

I find that the biggest issue with the aftermath of a slip is the 'hangover.' I've heard that alcoholics say that the best cure for a hangover is another drink. Similarly, I find I have a hard time 'snapping back' to how I was before the slip. The desires still linger.

I assume I'm not the only one who has this challenge, so how do you folks deal with this precarious time? What thoughts, activities, etc. do you do to get yourself back on track?

TzviFree wrote:


Read ten minutes from the white book.

Thanks for the response. I'll give it a shot!

Just read some. I found this line to be so true - "I'd been praying self-righteously all along, "Please, G-d, take it away!" not realizing my inner heart was piteously whine, "...so I won't have to give it up."

That really crystalized for me some of the inner turmoil, and oxymoronic emotions I'd been having.

If G-d 'takes away' my lust, then I've done nothing to help my own cause!

what's the white book?

Unlike AA, SA doesn't offer it's publications for free online. I'm providing a link to the SA White Book with that understanding and the hope that those who make use of it will make a donation to SA or better yet actually purchase the book.

66.199.228.237/boundary/Sexual_Addiction/whitebook.pdf

fresh start wrote:


The 'white book' is the basic Sexaholics Anonymous literature. Called such because, well, it's white. The AA book is known as the 'big book' and all other permutations of AA have their own book. (ie ACA has the 'red book' etc.)