TalmidChaim wrote:


reb TC (tim?), i could not agree with you more.especially the shabbosim in the summer that the day goes on forever. being inside is dangerous, and outside is worse.
על זה נאמר: מחוץ תשכל חרב ומחדרים אימה -פרשת האזינו

this year its been especially challenging for me. so its been a few weeks now that right after lunch, i go to shul and just stay there straight. 2 hours i have a chavrusa, i have a half hour chafetz chaim seder, i usually PASS OUT for some of the time, and if by brain is too fried afterwards, i do rashi or say tehilim. its rigorous, but baruch hashem it gets the job done ... and i have no problem falling asleep saturday night.
and although the yaitzer hara does not completely leave me even while i am in shul (the nerve of that ----), its definitely easier -
:אם פגע בך מנוול זה וכו' אם אבן הוא, נמוח. ואם ברזל הוא, מתפוצץ. שנאמר הלא כה דברי כאש נאם ה' וכפטיש יפצץ סלע

Nice seder!

Peloni,

We must be cut from the same cloth. I've read that other guys here have the same issues. Good (great) company!

(And not Tim, but thanks for remembering the reference I made. It's from a Monty Python movie.)

I'm realizing that taking things day by day -- not focusing on the long stretch -- makes the days feel longer. The days went quicker when I was focused on getting through 90 days, or whatever. But that never lasted. This might be nonsense. Who knows?

I'm sorry I haven't posted here in a while. I just got back from vacation, and "maintained"'pretty well, if I do say so myself. I think, once again, my weakest moments are during isolation, with lots of idle time. File that under, "No Duh."

TalmidChaim wrote:


Duly filed

I'm still around, just busy. Doing okay, but gave into temptation alone in bed, without any computer enhancements or anything. An old fashioned fall. This has been happening a lot more lately, and obviously requires a necessary mental adjustment. I'm working on it, and definitely feel more of a disgust before I act out. This might be a sign that I'm seeing things more clearly now. But falls are still not acceptable, however seldom.

I've been home on daycare detail this week and very busy, which is good. No new insights or anything, just the usual: stay away from empty time.

Though I'm not one to build up my optimism around important dates, I'm energized about making this New Years meaningful and the beginning of a beautiful recovery!

I can resonate with what you are saying. With me, my streak is one of the best things to keep me going. If I can get into a good streak then it usually take something strong to get me down, but when I haven't done so well for a period of time, even a fly can make me fall (ok, not literally, I don't lust for fly's).
The problem is that if I fall easily when I'm not in a good streak ,then how can I build one up? Hence the new year. I put so much effort (well, maybe not so much) into trying to return to Hashem, that I tell myself "come on, this is what your going to do right after Rosh Hashana?!" Iy"H that will be enough (obviously together with the other fences) to get me into a "good streak".

I agree, Stillgoing! The problem for me, in addition to building the momentum in the first place, the air of importance that surrounds big dates, like Rosh HaShana, etc., adds a little pressure to the effort. My biggest streaks have started rather unimportantly, with little expectation.

I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately. I have not been down in the computer room that much, which is good. I'm still falling, but less with the computer, though still some, definitely.

Again, sorry I haven't been on here as much as I want to be, or should be (an apology more to myself). I'm realizing more and more just how much idle time contributes to my addiction. When I'm busy, and have real obligations to tend to, I think about acting out less, and of course, have less time to do so as well. It's a simple "fix," and one I dismissed, maybe, too quickly when I first started here. One of the suggestions GYE makes on the assessment scale section is to make an earnest attempt to occupy one's time. Out of laziness, or even subconscious rebelliousness, who knows, I didn't do this. Of course, temptation still shows up. But when I'm busy, it even quiets down a little. The times that I've fallen since I last posted were basically on days where I was alone, had nothing pressing, and almost consciously decided to act out -- like, "What else am I going to do now?"

This might be a "No Duh" post, so I apologize if the obviousness of it borders on obnoxious. I also don't want to downplay the pull of my addiction, or try to weasel out of the serious work that needs to be done to achieve sobriety. This is just something practical that I need to work on.

And, on top of that, I do feel that a serious character flaw I need to improve is laziness, or, more specifically, procrastination. I'm not going to analyze from where this trait originates, etc.; I'm done psychoanalyzing myself. I just need to improve it. And with it, I think, some of my inclinations might also improve.

Every trait is good!

Procrastination often keeps some of us out of trouble, so thank Gd for that

Hatzlacha ת״ח!

I knowmy skull isso thick and my brain so mushed that even the most basic points need to be hammered in over and over again. Especially the simple ones. They are the easiest to forget.