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TOPIC: Lessons Learned 12638 Views

Lessons Learned 03 Sep 2018 23:39 #335248

  • Hashem Help Me
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It has been quite some time since I have posted on my own thread titled "My Story and G-d Bless GYE". Being that those submissions are in the balei batim forum and therefore off limits to all our single friends here, I figured if I wish to post, it's time to open a new thread.



BH we are at day 627. That's a big number. A number that represents a chunk of life. Different seasons, various occasions, many opportunities, a kaleidoscope of challenges. And with Hashem's help (and as I have written many times - with the help of some great GYE chaverim - specifically "one_day_at_a_time") I have stayed clean.



During this period of growth I have made some observations. Firstly, as a rebbi of mine used to say - no specific type of yid has the "copyright" on yiras shomayim. Eye opening to me has been how individuals from very varying lifestyles all truly want to be close to Hashem. It is not just lip service. It is genuine. I am humbled and amazed how even so called "modern" Jews walk determinedly against the tsunami wave of decadence, indecency, immodesty, and liberalism which is trying to inundate the world and destroy every vestige of holiness in its path. These dear teenagers, married fellows, and even post middle aged heroes ignore the current threatening to drown them and keep moving forward. And of course, being that this scourge does not discriminate, all kehillos and "types" are affected. GYE is like the Kosel - one can find every type of yid there crying for help. In summary, everyone wants to be kadosh v'tahor. Imagine how proud Hashem must be.



A second observation. So many unnecessary tears, so much unnecessary pain. How many bochurim stay clean while in yeshiva and camp only to fall within hours of returning home on their parents' devices which have not been properly filtered. The anguish these boys share is heartbreaking. These are boys who will not enter an internet café or library. They avoid public transportation except when absolutely necessary. They are careful in the street. They are the brave ones who picked up the phone and shared their most personal and embarrassing secrets with total strangers from GYE. But spending a weekend at home where every other room has an unfiltered device....How naïve can people be? How many drashos have been given, and articles written, and people really still think "it cant happen in my house"?!  Is the convenience of unfiltered internet worth these churbonos? I am not passing judgement on anyone specific - just publicizing the very painful issue.



Number three - There are many helpful ideas on GYE. Each successful person here will tell you about the "cocktail" he used to break free. A combination of all or some of the following: shiurim, forum, chats, Taphsic, chizuk emails, 90 day chart, phone conferences, therapy referrals, 12 steps, and of course tefilla, guide people from the abyss of the sewer to the summit of a life of freedom. However I believe if a poll were taken, a great majority of people would credit the human connection as the main weapon in the arsenal that blasted them through and saved them. To hear, and even better, to meet and see, an individual who struggled and now is clean, is a tool that is extremely powerful. It shatters the destructive mindset of "it's impossible - no one gets better". Sitting by therapists, as helpful as they are (and they are part of many people's recovery), is not nearly as powerful as someone being honest and telling you what he used to do and how he stopped. Someone who "has been there and done that" can help rewire the unhealthy thinking and give new perspective - t
here simply is life, even without sex. Plus one must learn the true and Torah perspective on sexuality. One must be educated that he has been poisoned by the evil and filthy portrayal of an act that we now know is uplifting and elevated, even holy. We are more open to be reeducated by one who initially believed as we did. Secondly, that real person can hold your hand in those first days and weeks when it is really difficult to get started. He can give you the chizuk to get past the withdrawal period. He is an anchor. Thirdly, when you see a successful frum fellow standing before you, you realize you are not the rasha or loser you thought you were. You really are a nice good person who has a struggle. That knowledge gives one more self esteem and resolve to get started. Based on my personal experience I would advise any newcomers to figure out which safe person on the site appears to resonate with them, and then carefully - in the beginning anonymously - reach out and let someone help them.



Lastly (for now), we see a sad issue. So many people join GYE and then disappear. They had hisorerus, found the site, joined, maybe even posted, and then they are gone..... It is incumbent on those of us who have tasted success to make ourselves available to help others. We know the pain anguish anxiety depression and turmoil these chevra are experiencing. We know where their eyes and hands are - even though they don't want to be doing those things - and we have the ability to help. Some will argue, "I don't know what to do". Others will say, "Now that I am better it isn't good for me to be focused on this so much". True, but its payback time. Do something. And if you really can't, then at least daven your kishkes out for all the strugglers. And of course - give a nice donation to that great place that got us all back on track - the very holy mosad GYE. If not for them, where would I (and you) be today?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Sep 2018 00:18 #335251

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Thank you so much.
Well written, well spoken, דברים היוצאים מן הלב.....

If I may, I'd like to make one point; it is not an argument, but a slightly different view. I would not advise a new fellow to find someone safe and talk to him; I think that is a delicate issue and should take some time. I agree that sharin' and hearin' from another like-minded struggler is a key component of recovery and one that is a part of many of us (myself included), but it came with time and patience. In this business, one needs to figure some things out for himself first, I think, especially when not every partner is the best of matches for this particular individual.

I think that on account of your last point that people come and go, it is almost like a desperate opportunity and one that everyone wants to take responsibility for. A fellow shows up on the forum or on the chat, and he is bombarded by others to pick up the phone and call, and many of them do, and that is a good thin'. Perhaps the success rate has a high percentage, I don't know. I'm just a bit skeptical. Let a guy get his feet wet and feel his way around a bit.

Perhaps. But then again, I might be wrong and it's a שעת הכושר. Either way, HHM, keep doin' your valuable work and Godspeed!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Sep 2018 02:36 #335254

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WoW WoW WoW........
such a great post we didnt see in ages, so well written, i agree with you on evrything 100%.... 
Thank You! ישר כח!
we want more such post, more often.... 

Your 2nd point, its nebech so so true, those parents have no clue what their kids are doing behind them, i cant understand why any jew own a device unfiltered, its the ABC of being clean, and having clean kids...

3rd point, איש את רעהו יעזורו ולאחיו יאמר חזק it definitely helps, that was my 1st step, i had a partner, we did the Taphsic togeter, we spoke and emailed on a daily basis, it help me tons...

4th point, yes, i was here in the past many times a day, and since im clean and its much easier for me to stay clean, i stopped to visit GYE, but now im back, i figured that still in the tough time, i need the chizuk from our memebers, but when i came back, i sew that most people just disappeared, i hope to see everybody back, and lets be Mchazek each other on a daily basis, this area is מהדברים  הצריכים חיזוק even when someone thinks that they are good to go, the Y"H is not sleeping, he has time, אתה ישן והוא ער לך he will wait even a year, and he will catch us in a weak minute.

again, thank you for your great and inspirational post.....
My email:jacdoja@gmail.com
My threads: my long נסיעה of almost 30 years ~ My Book of Business ~ My Upcoming Dilemma

להטות לבבנו אליו ללכת בכל דרכיו ולשמר מצותיו וחקיו ומשפטיו אשר צוה את אבתינו
כי עיקר מציאות האדם בעה"ז הוא רק לקיים מצות ולעמד בניסיון,  והנאות העולם אין ראוי שיהו לו אלא לעזר ולסיוע בלבד לשיהיה לו נחת רוח ויישוב הדעת למען יוכל לפנות לבו אל העבודה הזאת מסילת ישרים

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Sep 2018 04:17 #335262

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Hashem Help Me you are the best part of GYE —giving everyone Chizuk and your care for everyone is unbelievable. You call me when I’m down ,like you sense something.  I agree the only way to get out of this cycle is to speak to someone on GYE otherwise a newcomer will just keep on making the same mistakes over and over again. That’s what helped me! And that’s what continuously helps me get out of a rut.  I used to be one of the guys that posted once in a while silently falling, once I got sponsors I felt a responsibility to stay clean. and now I feel confident and proud to have gotten to 130 days. Even though I fell I know that I can do it again and hopefully even better. 
I hope everyone on Gye has a beautiful and meaningful Rosh hashana and has a Great year full of Bracha and happiness and purity.

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Sep 2018 19:35 #335279

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hashem help me all your points are 100% true   ..hashem should give you the kochos to continue to inspire help and guide every one that come here. I know that you are a very busy person and yet some how you find time for every one keep it up!!!!!!!!!!! 

Re: Lessons Learned 04 Sep 2018 20:24 #335280

Wow what a post written by a real hidden tzadik!

To be honest I was one of those that posted and would have probably dissapeared like most people on this site and who knows where i'll be holding by now, if not that you reached out to me right in my early GYE days, and for the 1st time in my life I opened up to someone about my struggle and since then I've b'h accomplished some great streaks of sobriety. Every time I call you you are always available you are a father and leader to many countless yiddishe neshamos in pain. Hashem should bless you and give you the strength to continue doing what you do! You are my inspiration in life!

Sincerely yours,
Your Talmid (and Good Friend) Yankel!
Important quote from Cordnoy
"The need is a perceived one. There has not been one reported case on these pages of a death occurrin' on account of not fulfillin' that need

“I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.” 

"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last."

My Story
                       

Yankel's Daily Inspirational Quotes
Last Edit: 04 Sep 2018 20:38 by Iampowerless.

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Sep 2018 03:28 #335291

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cordnoy wrote on 04 Sep 2018 00:18:
Thank you so much.
Well written, well spoken, דברים היוצאים מן הלב.....

If I may, I'd like to make one point; it is not an argument, but a slightly different view. I would not advise a new fellow to find someone safe and talk to him; I think that is a delicate issue and should take some time. I agree that sharin' and hearin' from another like-minded struggler is a key component of recovery and one that is a part of many of us (myself included), but it came with time and patience. In this business, one needs to figure some things out for himself first, I think, especially when not every partner is the best of matches for this particular individual.

I think that on account of your last point that people come and go, it is almost like a desperate opportunity and one that everyone wants to take responsibility for. A fellow shows up on the forum or on the chat, and he is bombarded by others to pick up the phone and call, and many of them do, and that is a good thin'. Perhaps the success rate has a high percentage, I don't know. I'm just a bit skeptical. Let a guy get his feet wet and feel his way around a bit.

Perhaps. But then again, I might be wrong and it's a שעת הכושר. Either way, HHM, keep doin' your valuable work and Godspeed!

I don't know that there is an argument as much as much as a cautionary point. 

I do know that when I first started my thread, dov jumped down my throat about honesty, and how that can only be achieved with real people. But then again I called my thread the road to being honest... So maybe that was bait for DOV
Last Edit: 05 Sep 2018 03:29 by Hakolhevel.

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Sep 2018 04:20 #335295

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powerful words...
I too was in a vulnerable situation whem R' Hhm swooped in with chizuk pouring forth. 
I was able to access alot of filth because my parents were too trusting,  I'm shocked to hear that it's still a big problem , if it's an awareness issue than maybe Gye could somehow publicize it ..not so simple...
Regarding helping people: sometimes it's hard to figure out who to help and how , some people are naturally more inclined to do it than others , I wish we could have a system where a Gye vets would match guys up to chat/talk. thanks
Last Edit: 05 Sep 2018 04:22 by i-man. Reason: autocorre

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Sep 2018 14:11 #335306

  • DeterminedtoWin
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Wow! Well said!

Growing up I was exposed to a lot of things that made my journey to kedusha a very difficult one. B"H there is now a growing awareness of the dangers of having internet in the home but back then not as much and I definitely got burned big time. Chsadei Hashem through GYE and your chizuk and guidance I finally feel free from all the garbage that I suffered from all these years.

For me, the real human connection was definitely what saved me more that anything else. I always knew in my heart that I was a good erliche person who has a real connection with Hashem and yet I was still doing the most chomerdika issurim. I so badly wanted to stop and live bkedusha vthara yet I just couldn't no matter how hard I tired. When I met and opened up to other people (for real not just anonymously) who were way bigger erliche yerai shomyim living such healthy and successful lives yet had also struggled terribly with these challenges I was able to truly believe that there was hope for me and that I can rid myself of all this the same way they did. It was a very validating and empowering experience for me. I was determined to make it happen and, besras Hashem Yisborach, I am in a whole different place today then I was for so many years. My heartfelt teffilos and all the shed tears were finally answered.

I would love to give back by helping others and donating to GYE but I have two problems. One is that I don't have the time and I am having trouble even keeping up with my current partner. And second of all, the fact that my wife has no idea about all this makes it hard to be too involved. I have to stick in my time on GYE or with other GYE chevra when she wont know about it and that leaves me with even less time to be involved. I guess if there is a will there is a way and be"H if I try hard enough I can make it happen like you and so many other very busy people do. I'm also afraid to donate because I'm scared that my wife will see and find out about it all.

Either way, great post and great things to think about!

Thank you again for your all your chizuk!!

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Sep 2018 15:13 #335310

  • Markz
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DeterminedtoWin wrote on 05 Sep 2018 14:11:
Wow! Well said!

Growing up I was exposed to a lot of things that made my journey to kedusha a very difficult one. B"H there is now a growing awareness of the dangers of having internet in the home but back then not as much and I definitely got burned big time. Chsadei Hashem through GYE and your chizuk and guidance I finally feel free from all the garbage that I suffered from all these years.

For me, the real human connection was definitely what saved me more that anything else. I always knew in my heart that I was a good erliche person who has a real connection with Hashem and yet I was still doing the most chomerdika issurim. I so badly wanted to stop and live bkedusha vthara yet I just couldn't no matter how hard I tired. When I met and opened up to other people (for real not just anonymously) who were way bigger erliche yerai shomyim living such healthy and successful lives yet had also struggled terribly with these challenges I was able to truly believe that there was hope for me and that I can rid myself of all this the same way they did. It was a very validating and empowering experience for me. I was determined to make it happen and, besras Hashem Yisborach, I am in a whole different place today then I was for so many years. My heartfelt teffilos and all the shed tears were finally answered.

I would love to give back by helping others and donating to GYE but I have two problems. One is that I don't have the time and I am having trouble even keeping up with my current partner. And second of all, the fact that my wife has no idea about all this makes it hard to be too involved. I have to stick in my time on GYE or with other GYE chevra when she wont know about it and that leaves me with even less time to be involved. I guess if there is a will there is a way and be"H if I try hard enough I can make it happen like you and so many other very busy people do. I'm also afraid to donate because I'm scared that my wife will see and find out about it all.

Either way, great post and great things to think about!

Thank you again for your all your chizuk!!

Well said!

Dont beat yourself - Spending time on bettering oneself helps the chèvra more than you think
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Last Edit: 05 Sep 2018 15:34 by Markz.

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Sep 2018 20:28 #335320

  • gyehelp2017
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Dear Hashem Help Me,
I have no words to thank you for bringing up these points so clearly, it's really great to see someone so selfless as you take from your own time to help others and bringing these ideas out in writing.
And let me explain, Today (Sep. 5) is my English birthday, I became 1 year old, yes "1" year old, it was exactly a year ago on Sep. 5 that I signed up for GYE, and for the past 12 months I slowly slowly started coming back to life, so in simple words "I was spiritually/emotionally born a year ago".
So I signed up and started to learn my way around on GYE, but I was really in desperate need for help, so I posted and chatted with others and signed up for the 90 day chart, and it was working - but not enough, I felt that I needed something more.
And then Hashem in his great kindness sent me his messenger, one of my dear friends that I became in touch with through GYE, we speak and text each other very often, and that's when I really started to see progress and feeling that I was never alone again. and when I felt I needed even more support I even met my friend in person, and that was really some experience that helped me a ton, seeing someone live and real that shares the same struggles as me and working on it together was extremely helpful. and ever since I am a different person. Yes I still do have hard days, but I am not alone, I call/text and even meet up with my friend when in need.
And all I can say is, if Hashem would not send me his messenger at the right time, I would probably not celebrated any birthday (or anything) today.
And now to all members, friends and tzadikim of Guard Your Eyes,
the points that HHM is saying I can personally testify on the truth of those words.
point #1 - I have been in touch with lots of people from all different walks of life, and I really learnt how to see the good in each and every individual.
point #2 - B"h on this I do not have any experience myself, but I heard of lots of others that do.
point ​#3 - My personal story testifies on the great success that Human connection has  brought into my life, I can truly say that human connection was "THE" thing that helped me, and so have I heard from lots of others.
point #4 - We see it time and again how people come and join, but only to drop out because of the lack of help and not having who to talk to.
Let us all (me included) try to take upon ourselves for this coming new year to go a bit out of our way, and try to help those that are in need of our help - especially the newcomers, we all remember how we felt before we found help, so let us do all that we can that more and more people should see the light at the end of the tunnel, and may we all have a happy and healthy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!

feel free to contact me at gyehelp2017@gmail.com

Re: Lessons Learned 05 Sep 2018 22:16 #335326

  • lomed
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Hi,

I haven't been here for a relatively long time. So first im very grateful to be clean throughout this period. I am actively in recovery in SA , helping myself and others, going to meetings, working the steps, etc.

In addition I am very active on The Yiddish speaking site, and helping out the Yiddish speaking stragglers. 

I am amazed at this post.  Ilike the whole dialog here, with caution not to jump to open up. anyway all that is written here is very important and food for thoought.

I can say that when i originally became clean on this site, i met a member that was here. e connected anonymously. We spoke almost each and every day, with our nick names from this site, for over a half year. But this is what kept us both going to stay clean.

I love you all. It is only because of all of you that i got my recovery journey started.

#cordnoy

may we all have another clean day.
I currently attend live SA meetings. Feel free to reach out to me.

Re: Lessons Learned 06 Sep 2018 08:09 #335348

  • bb0212
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Nice post, so many true points.

I'm one of those that joined, posted and left. I don't think that's eternal, just for the time being though...
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Lessons Learned 06 Sep 2018 11:36 #335353

  • lionking
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bb0212 wrote on 06 Sep 2018 08:09:
Nice post, so many true points.

I'm one of those that joined, posted and left. I don't think that's eternal, just for the time being though...

You're always welcome back.
You can do it!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Lessons Learned 06 Sep 2018 20:02 #335364

  • Shivisi_Hashem
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bb0212 wrote on 06 Sep 2018 08:09:
Nice post, so many true points.

I'm one of those that joined, posted and left. I don't think that's eternal, just for the time being though...

Btw... i miss you, you were a great supporter to us, you always had kind posts, i too disappear for a few months, but im back, the support here is tremendous, and i see that being active here as the best way to stay clean... so ill ask you the same, please come back and support us.. we all miss you....
My email:jacdoja@gmail.com
My threads: my long נסיעה of almost 30 years ~ My Book of Business ~ My Upcoming Dilemma

להטות לבבנו אליו ללכת בכל דרכיו ולשמר מצותיו וחקיו ומשפטיו אשר צוה את אבתינו
כי עיקר מציאות האדם בעה"ז הוא רק לקיים מצות ולעמד בניסיון,  והנאות העולם אין ראוי שיהו לו אלא לעזר ולסיוע בלבד לשיהיה לו נחת רוח ויישוב הדעת למען יוכל לפנות לבו אל העבודה הזאת מסילת ישרים
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