I was trying to find a way to post on someone else's topic, but I didn't feel like I could add anything productive to it so I guess I'll just do the introduction. I think that my situation (in some ways) is quite severe in the P part of things, so I'm hoping that someone will see this and will recognize that they're not alone. I will ramble a bit, but I will try to keep each paragraph contained to a specific topic, so feel free to skip around if you're not interested in one part.

I am a 29 year old man in the US. I have just celebrated my 2 year anniversary with my wonderful wife and no children (yet). It took me a very long time to find her, and I love her very much.

I was first introduced to improper images online when i was 7 by a boy I was friendly with in shul. I wasn't old enough to do anything with that information, but it planted the seed that you can find that if you look for it.I have been struggling with P and M for over 15 years (over 50% of my life). I don't know specifically when it started, but I remember on the day of my eighth-grade graduation (I was 13) that I engaged in such behavior and felt ashamed the whole graduation. I gave a speech in front of hundreds of parents and grandparents (including my own) and was embarrassed the whole time. It was a big problem for me with few breaks. In yeshiva I did better, but when i went to college (and got my own smartphone) it got worse. I devolved into some extreme forms of stimulation that I will not divulge here, but they are the type that even the nonreligious would find appalling (and is illegal in some countries). More recently I've been doing better, but I still slip-up and I am trying to quash that entirely.

I have caused much pain to my parents who never explained the birds and the bees to me and who always made me feel bad about my habit. Making me feel like I was sick. I have hurt my wife who tells me that she loves me, but that she feels like she is not enough for me if I keep looking at other women. I have made myself disgusting and awful.

Since getting married, I have hurt my wife with this habit (even when we were on our honeymoon I fell) and she forced me to get in touch with a rav or therapist. I worked with this therapist for a number of months, and successfully did not engage in M for over a year. It is my belief that this was only successful because I recognized that if I failed, I would lose my wife. My P habit is more difficult to crack. I had thought that getting married would eliminate it. It does not. I have some techniques to deal with it, but I lose focus sometimes and fall.

I don't want to lose my wife. I want my relationship with relations to be healthier. I want to feel better about myself.

I need a companion who will talk me through my hard times until they get better. I am happy to be someone's companion to help them through their hard times. Just having the support available will make me feel more in control. I need someone/thing to reinforce the focus on a regular basis, not just when things are hard. I think that this is the key to me kicking my habit.

I'm sorry if this post was lengthy and disjointed. I failed last night and my wife caught me and I'm feeling bad. Why should it take my wife catching me for me to take action? Why can't I beat this habit for over half of my life? Will this be a battle that I'll ever get out of? I know there are some positives in there, but I feel like I've reached the point of diminishing returns on my efforts and need more help.

Please feel free to tell me your thoughts, your experiences, your fears. I need to feel like I am accepted and supported.

Thank you all.

Oh dear brother helpingyourself, I feel your pain and am rooting for you.

But just know that here there's hope, this is the warmest family in the world, you couldn't have taken a better step than joining this family.

Also I must say you're really courageous for being ready to take the best step in your life, and are willing and ready to reach out to someone, this is one tool that has proven itself, to be lifesaving, a step that will change your life forever.

So please reach out to the great people here, there's the mentor in chief HHM at michelgelner@gmail.com, or EERIE at 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, or MUTTEL at muttel15@gmail.com, PY at proudyungerman@gmail.com, I'm also available, my contact info are below in my signature.

Stay strong KOMT and keep us posted.
With love Akiva 

Welcome brother to the forums. You are not alone in this struggle, there are so many precious Yidden out there that struggle with the same things you do. Perhaps it might be a different variation, and takes on a different expression as your specific struggle, but the common denominator is that it's a struggle of lust. the YH thrives on keeping you isolated from others, and making you think that your the only one with this problem. You will find that on this forum there are many people that can talk to you, understand you very well, validate you, and most importantly will hold your hand and be a real friend. There's help and hope here on these forums. In the past year that I've been privileged to be part of this family (there's no other way to describe it), I've seen miracles happen time and again. Previously hopeless situations have been transformed in to joyous marriages, Bachurim once wallowing in the mud, have cleaned up their act. Even those that aren't clean completely, are fighting a mighty war and are winning most of the battles. Last night, there was a session at the Agudah convention called asking for a friend where 2 prominent Rabbonim addressed part of the struggle that people are going through. Think about it 10 years ago this subject was completely taboo, now they're discussing it an the Agudah convention. Hatzlacha on your journey. Together we fight, arm in arm, and TOGETHER WE WILL WIN!!!!!!!!! 

Welcome!
I am certainly not able to speak ahead of the gedolim who already responded.
I can only second what they said. You are not alone! The greatest people are right here! 
They will help you understand what a great person you are for reaching out with a strong desire to improve!!
BE"H you will see great strides and become the person you really are deep down!

Keep us posted! 
Hatzlacha!

Dear Brother Helpingmyslef
Welcome aboard!
And no, your post did not seem to ramble on. I see it as a very brave post to open up and begin the healing process.

You have come to the right place. Read from others, understand what we all are going through, connect with others here, and you will find the understanding and help that you need.

Take our dear Rebakiva's words to heart and reach out to some of the wonderful people here. You will not be dissapointed.

I didn't see no rambling. I saw courage and honesty, a tad of despair, a ladleful of guilt, and an ocean of pain. But no rambling.

Welcome to the party! I love your username. You'll help yourself, HaShem will help you, we'll help you, and with all that help you'll be sure to get somewhere. 

Your idea of a partner is fantastic. Reach out to anyone R' Akiva listed (or R' Akiva himself). Or join the vaaaaaaaaaad and find one.

I also want to mention that it's very tough to deal with the dynamics of an upset spouse together with dealing with your own internal struggle. HHM is an expert in this area, and I highly recommend you speak to him about this.

Hatzlacha and KOT!

I went there yesterday evening . If you live in Queens, NYC ; they are on Main Street ; south of Jewel Avenue next to 7/11 .



There is Jewel Bagels on one corner ( best in the morning ) and Grill Point on the other corner  .



I feel much freer today .

 

Hi! Welcome to the most amazing family on earth!
My friend, I'm so sorry for your pain. Please know, real healing is possible. You can do it, you can break free of all those bad habits, and you can rebuild a wonderful, trusting relationship with your wife. 
Stick around, learn the ropes, ask, listen carefully, and, the best thing, connect to the boys! You'll beH go far

When the urge strikes to look at pornography, try using the Mindfulness technique to distract your mind.

Once again, late to the party...
(darn that snail mail!)

My dear brother!
Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program, the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframing the struggle.


There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,  iwannalivereal iwannalivereal@gmail.com , and Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me 

I'd second the idea of specifically reaching out to HHM. He has helped many here deal with upset wives (myself included...). It's an extremely hard call to make, but it's one you won't regret!


Looking forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Better to be an echo of wisdom than a broken cymbal of lunacy,
Welcome! I didn't notice any rambling either, and rather a very well formatted and honest look at where things came from, where they are now and where you want them to be. Besides for the "extremism", your stroy sounds similar to many who have come before you on this site.
If you are looking for a companion there are many on here who will offer help (those listed above, and you can feel free to reach out to me as well, though I view myself ass a newcomer and not on the level of the other guys here, my contact info is in my signature) Start the Flight to Freedom program and reach out to someone to do it along with you and discuss it together. 
You got this! this can be done!
L'gabai the relationship with your wife, once you get down to the guts of whats driving you and learn to become a healthier and happier person it will be much easier to work on your relationship, it won't be totally automatic (as is evident from my own situation) but it makes a world of a difference.
Keep posting! Hatzlachah Rabbah!

I'm really late to this party, welcome!!!

I'm really just echoing the others here; you've joined the warmest, non-judgmental family in the universe!

Stick around, learn the ropes, and see how you can break free - forever!!!

I third the motion to reach out to Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com); he's helped hundreds, me included.

Muttel