It's hard to open up and admit that I have a problem. It's hard because I already came so far, had long streaks of being clean, and now I feel very out of control. It's hard when others ask for my advice to still be struggling myself. It's hard to realize how big this mountain really is. It's hard to put myself out there. It's all hard.
I want to forget, for the moment, all the pump up speeches and chizzuk and instead start over. back to the basics. When I first joined GYE there were some habits I created which helped forge a path to sobriety, and I let them fall away. But right now I just want to be able to stay clean for a bit so that I can get my feet under me in order to work through all the garbage in my head that drives me nuts.
I'm feeling very low right now so I don't want to write anything out. right now I want to exercise and eat lunch and still be on time to seder, but I don't think it can happen, so I'm going to go for a run and on the way back pick up some lunch.
I'm going to start slowly, treat myself with patience and compassion, and take it one day at a time.

Ok, feeling better today, Shared at a meeting this morning and got a lot of love and support, felt good. I got out some cash for my incentives program (the same one i used when I first got clean and I found it very helpful). Sometimes I feel like I'm taking all the right actions and still struggling, oh well.
B"H no struggles yet today, so just taking it ODAAT. gonna be on time for 2nd seder and rock the house. 
On a side note, I really enjoy running its my main hobby and also a great exercise, but recently I got hurt and should really lay off a bit, but its very hard to not go for a run and also hard when I don't go, soo....
TFLMS

Hi, I haven't posted in a while, B"H most of my connection and recovery work has been coming form in person meetings and talking on the phone. but it's always nice to check back in to the GYE site where it all began.
It's funny to think about how it all started and how far I've come with tremendous help from the guys here and from my friends in Sa as well as, of course, Hashem.
I have some free time right now and thought to just post a little, a bit of chizzuk for others and also as a reflection for myself. First I want to list some of the struggles I faced and a reality check of where my struggle brought me, but then follow it with a step by step overview of my journey since then.

- I was exposed to pornography early on.
- by 14  I was viewing regularly
- by mid-highschool I was masturbating daily, regularly missing class for this purpose.
- My acting out stymied my emotional maturity and stopped me from learning how to cope with lifes challenges as well as my own personal challenges.
- in beis medrash I tried to stop, but could not.
- I broke several smartphones, and still didn't stop
- I had filters, and couldn't stop
- I would go to public computers (library, college) to watch porn, risking embarassment
- I would spend hours of studying time looking at pornography
- I would use my wifes smartphone to look at pornography
- I would look at pornography while my wife and child were in the room.
- Even while beginning recovery through GYE I still couldn't stop
But,
- I learned how to take care of myself.
- I learned that I have value even if I'm not objectively the top guy in yeshiva
- I learned that I have value even when I make mistakes
- I learned how to be a better husband, more compassionate to my wife
- I learned how to care for others and respect differences
- I learned that struggles don't make me worthless
- I learned that people can like me
- I learned that recovery is possible
- I learned to accept situations and trust in Hashem (even though I had learnt shaar bitachon many times before)
- I started to believe I am worthy of being taken care of
- I started going to therapy and working through trauma, and realize I am worth working it through
- I started valuing the little things I do
- I started being more honest with myself and others
- I started opening up to people and finding that sharing my struggles makes it easier to live through them
- I learned that I don't have to act out
- I learned that it's OK to get back up after a fall (I don't have to let yesterday's mistakes define today's ambitions)
- I learned that I can have a relationship with hashem and feel and believe in his love for me
- I learned that I when I act out it doesn't fix the problem
- I learned that when I act out is when I struggle emotionaly
- I learned that I am responsible for my recovery
- I learned that recovery is not easy, but it is worth it

And I'm still learning new things and making new starts every day.
Thanks everyone KOMT and take it ODAAT!

hopefulposek wrote on 08 Aug 2025 16:19:

THIS!

ובלשון חז"ל: אלו לא באנו אלא לשמוע דבר זה דיינו

Very powerful post, hopefulposek. Thank you for sharing.

What an inspiring and courageous post! It's clear that you've developed incredible wisdom and resilience through your recovery journey.

I wrote down some points that we can learn from you:

You demonstrate that our value isn't tied to being "the top guy" or being perfect - we have inherent worth even when we make mistakes or face struggles.
Your experience shows how sharing struggles with trusted people (whether in meetings, therapy, or forums like GYE) makes burdens lighter and recovery possible. Opening up creates connection rather than shame.
You beautifully illustrate that recovery involves daily choices, new learnings, and fresh starts - "ODAAT" (One Day At A Time) really comes through in your message.
Your path shows how working through addiction can actually deepen one's relationship with Hashem and develop genuine emunah and bitachon in ways that purely intellectual study might not achieve.
Despite feeling that acting out stunted your emotional growth initially, you've clearly developed tremendous emotional intelligence, self-compassion, and the ability to care for others.

Your story is a powerful testament that no matter how deep the struggle, recovery and transformation are possible. Thank you for sharing your chizzuk with us!

I recently started to attempt to write up many of the ideas and clarities which I learned through the past few years of working on these struggles. 
The first is the idea of taking full advantage of your situation and to recognize the unique opportunities you were given despite the initial appearances of struggle. all feedback is very welcome.

Becoming a legend in my own story - It’s easy to feel that you're not worth much when objectively you’re not accomplishing what others (and yourself) feel is valuable. In the beginning I used a strategy, which I believe is quite common, of focusing on your own potential, recognizing that Hashem created everyone with different limitations and just because someone else is able to reach amazing heights doesn’t mean you were given those abilities. The goal of this world is to become the best person you can be, and within that is the recognition that it doesn’t matter objectively how you’re doing, the only thing that matters is subjectively whether you are reaching your potential. 

OK, great, so I don’t feel bad that I’m not michael jordan or barry bonds because I was not given the ability to reach those levels. And so too in yeshiva, I wasn’t created with the ability to become the gadol hador, memorizing and fully understanding all of the torah. But I could still feel like garbage. In fact I did. Great so Hashem created me to not accomplish and to fall behind my peers and to not be able to get a good job in teaching. It doesn’t feel great. I believe that fully feeling and living this perspective is important and can help me move past these struggles, but I found another angle which was very helpful to me in my situation.

The comparison to michael jordan is a good one. If my purpose in life and where I found I could be the best person was by playing basketball, then I would need to confront the idea that I wasn’t created with the abilities of MJ. But what if my purpose was something else? Would it really be enough to justify my lack of skill in basketball and learn to be ok with being a benchwarmer on a minor league team?

The key is to recognize that even if you weren’t given awesome strengths or opportunities in one area, it is very possible (and I would venture to say likely) that you have power and skill in another area. An area that you may not have focused on so much until recently.

There are many ways to do good in this world and to become legendary, many times we give ourselves over to what the general world values and what is toated in our communities as the ultimate good. And there is truth in what they see, but it doesn’t have to be a limitation on your life. If one has a particular talent for building craftsmanship, then he can accomplish great things in this area, helping many people and affecting his community in a positive way, despite not focusing on the same things that others do.I grew up in a community where the value was placed on learning torah. Knowledge and understanding were the foremost values of life and generally decided ones social status and feelings of life fulfillment. In the beginning of my years of learning after highschool I invested myself tremendously in my studies and was actually quite successful. However as I grew older and started to face my addiction and mental health struggles I was not able to learn as well as I once was. And so, I had to start with the understanding that for me what was the best thing was to be spending time regularly journaling, exercising, going to meetings and going to therapy. But this all came at a tremendous cost to my torah studies! So I needed to accept that I had a lower potential than my peers. But the big shift came when I started not only accepting my circumstances but embracing them. Focusing not only how much I can accomplish despite the struggles, but also how much I can accomplish because of them. Some of the new opportunities hashem has granted me include: Being able to help others struggling with addiction, being able to be a more compassionate husband and father, learning to listen to others, learning to help others, finding an interest in therapy and its ability to help others going through struggle and pain.

just saw captains thread for advice for new members and thought of another one after posting.
Take responsibility for your own recovery! everyone wants to help you, but the bottom line is its up to you