A Mashal
The egg of an eagle got mixed up with the eggs of a chicken. The egg hatched together with the chicken eggs. The young eagle chick was brought up together with the other chicks in the coop. Throughout the entire time that he was growing up he always felt different, he always wondered why he looked different from his other brothers and sisters. This made him feel depressed, what is wrong with me? He would sometimes look at other birds flying in the sky and wonder if it is even possible for a chicken like him to achieve this flight.
From time to time he would try to fly and he was able to fly better than the other chickens in the coop, but he did not really believe that he can fly like those other birds in the sky, so he never flew too high and never strayed too far from the coop.
One day an eagle landed near the coop. The eagle looked at the ‘chicken’ that looked different and spoke to him. He said, “What are you doing here? You aren’t a chicken? You are an eagle! Go out, take flight and soar to the heavens”!
The ‘chicken’ looked at him with disbelief. “Me, and eagle?? You must be kidding. I am a chicken. And a strange chicken at that?!”
The eagle looked at him wisely and told him. “My child, I was once in your place. I did not believe in my self also. However, you need to believe me. Look around and see that you are different. Then look at me carefully. You will see that you are more similar to me then to your ‘family’ around you.
The ‘chicken’ heard from the eagle that he was also once in a similar situation. Realizing that others around him have succeeded, he realized that the eagle was right.
The eagle spread his wings and took off. Once he was airborne, he looked and saw the eagle near him in the sky, and he looked around and saw other eagles near him.
He began to feel inner strengths that he never felt before. He felt like an eagle!
He flew and flew, higher and higher, further and further from the coop till he was free from the coop completely.
He was an eagle! He was flying!!
Hello All.
I have been on Guard Your Eyes for about 4 – 5 months now. I have been reading all the threads and following the challenges and triumphs of the chevra here with awe and admiration. I think the time has come for me to open up and share my own story. I hope that it will help myself and others to continue to grow.
I grew up before the internet. However, there were still enough opportunities for me to look at things that turned me on. The swimwear catalogs that were in my house and all the regular women’s underwear circulars all found their way to my room and became my favorite reading material.
At one point my obsession with women’s underwear went to the next level. I began to stay up late after all of my family was sleeping and I would raid the laundry room and take my mother’s and sister’s bras and stockings and put them on. I would stay awake for hours dressed in them. The tightness of them around my body brought me to masturbate night after night. I would also take their bathing suits and wear them into the shower.
If I was unable to get women’s underwear, I would sometimes wear a few pairs of my own underwear, this gave me the tight feeling that I craved.
I knew that something was wrong with what I was doing, but I felt like I was alone in my struggle and was completely unable to stop. I did not know about the איסור of הוצאת זרע . I had no idea even of what I was doing. Rarely was I intentionally מוציא זרע, I was so clueless that I did not even know how to. I shudder to think what would have happened to me had I been aware of how to be מוציא זרע.
When I reached 12th grade (17 years old) I was made aware of the איסור. Even then, rarely did I ejaculate completely. I was מורה היתר for myself that what I was doing was ok, it is a דבר שאינו מתכוון and not really my fault.
On the outside I appeared like a regular good bochur in a regular good yeshiva. I learned, I had friends. I had relationships with my rebbeim. Nobody knew what was going on underneath.
At some point I began to fantasize about all this and it became not only a nighttime obsession, but even during the daytime. Even when I was in the dormitory, and I did not have access to catalogs and women’s clothing, I was still obsessed.
I entered Bais Medrash, and continued to learn, but underneath this continued.
To be honest, there were תקופות that I had good days, or even several weeks that I was able to not fantasize, but it always came back.
When I came back from Eretz Yisrael and got engaged, I hoped that marriage would take care of this issue and I would be able to put this behind me. At that point I was aware of the איסור of הוצאת זרע and I was desperate to stop.
However, I was wrong. Marriage did not magically take care of this challenge for me.
For the first few years we lived in Eretz Yisrael after we got married. I was the on of the chashuve yungerliet in the Mir. I was on top of the world. Extremely Yeshivish and respected by all around me.
However, inside I was broken.
Everywhere I looked I saw sexuality. When I went to the Mikva, all I could think about was how everyone else looked and I tried guessing how they behaved in bed. Looking at Rabbanim and Roshei Yeshiva, I focused on how well they had sex at home.
I was broken. I was petrified to go to sleep at night because I felt I had no control over myself, and I might be מוציא זרע that night.
My fantasies continued and began to include my wife in all sorts of interesting scenarios. I would sit in the בית המדרש during seder and bein hasedorim and completely space out and fantasize, including my wife in my fantasies. I would fantasize about wearing women’s clothing and underwear. I would be sitting there and masturbating in for hours on end.
At one point, I tried reaching out to my Rebbi, who today is one of the great Roshei Yeshiva. I was not able to tell him everything. As I told him the basics, he tried making it that it was no big deal and I should not focus on it. I did not feel reassured, if anything I felt belittled and not understood. It made me feel worse, that I was really alone. I thought that he felt I was dealing with a little challenge, so it can be swept under the rug, but in reality I was dealing with something so much greater that nobody had ever dealt with before.
I was a champion youngerman. I dealt with many bochurim and spoke to them about many issues and helped them to grow in their learning. I even gave a weekly chabura for a few bochurim for a few years.
Inside I felt broken.
Life does not stand still. It came time for us to move back to the states. We moved back, and I began the task of looking for a position as a Rebbi. It was only natural for me to continue in that direction, as this was apparent based on what I had done the first few years after my marriage.
Within a year I got a part time job in a local Mesivta, I had a hard class, and I also had a hard time with parnasa. So we struggled.
But what was really tough, was that I felt like a real fake. Here I was talking to bochurim to watch themselves and to stay away from places that were not good for them, and I was still fantasizing inside. I was not able to look at myself in the mirror.
I tried talking to several chashuve Rabbanim where I live, and they also made light of the issue. (it is a bit of a surprise, as at this point the internet was already quite big and the issues were not being swept under the carpet the same way anymore, there was definitely more awareness and openness now).
After one year of this, I cracked. I gave up the Rebbi position. All of my Rabbeim that I spoke to, the focus was on how difficult of a year I had teaching, and I did not think that I was cut out for it, and how hard a time I was having with paying my bills. However, underneath the reason that I was thinking was, that I cannot really be a rebbi if this is the way I behaved in my mind.
After a few months I got my first job in the world, I was very busy, so I had less time to fantasize. I made sure to upgrade my filter on my computer to the highest possible, even higher than the company that I worked for offered. I also convinced others to make sure they had high levels of filters on their computer. (after all, I was the yeshivishe, chashuve guy in the office, many asked me their halacha shailos for a while). For a while, things looked like they were improving. I still felt like I was not complete. I still felt that I did not conquer my issues and I was still a façade.
After a few years, a random spam email took me on a nightmare roller coaster ride for about 3 years. I was introduced to new sexual concepts that fell in line with the way I felt inside and they fell in line with the fetishes that I had. I would read stories about being forced to dress and act like a woman. In a sense this exonerated me, that I was not crazy to have this interest.
I began to search out these items, I Boruch Hashem did not cross the line to watch real porn, as I also had a high level of filtering on my computer, but I began to read stories and view products that I could only dream of owning. All this was in the office only, I did not have (I still do not) regular internet access at home.
I became an expert at knowing which words would come up as a filtered search and which words were able to get around the filter. At this point I was trying to stop, but continued to feel alone in my struggle and I felt that the situation was pretty hopeless.
From time to time I was able to go a short time without reading anything and without myself getting out of hand. But it always came back.
Whenever I needed to set up a computer for a new employee, especially for a non-jew that was coming in, I needed to go on it to make sure that everything was working and all systems were installed properly. This was a way for me to get to places and stories that were hard to get to on my own computer.
Boruch Hashem a few months ago, I came across an ad for Guard Your Eyes. I filed it in the back of my brain. On day a few months ago after a particular good story really put me out and led me to masturbate that night to the point of being מוציא זרע for the first time in a really long time. I realized that I needed to do something. The next day I opened an account on Guard Your Eyes. I went through the first few steps of the F2F program and was wowed! There are the tools here to help me conquer this! I still did not finish the program, however many of the ideas that I saw there were eye openers to me about who I am and who I can further become.
However, the most important part for me was this forum. I read about people that had it much harder (understatement!) than me. These people were able to overcome and to grow! I read about their struggles and their triumphs, I was awed. Simple people like me (Read – Great individuals!) that are in the same place as me, or were there and have gotten out. Here I will not be ridiculed for having challenges, here I will not be made light of.
I began to feel that I am also growing. Just the knowledge that I was not alone, that I am not crazy, and I am not a sicko was extremely redeeming and empowering. I felt the power inside of me to grow. I am now over 4 months clean. I am looking forward to a life of real קדושה and real growth.
Last week, I was setting up a computer for a new employee that was about to start. I was having a particularly hard day, I began to wander on the new unfiltered device, I went to a non-jewish news site, and I felt myself losing control. I was quickly able to shut the browser and log off. It felt unreal to do this!!!! I have the power!!!!!
I am an Eagle!!!! I am flying!!!!!!!!
This made me feel that I cannot let my guard down again. It made me sit down and write out my story and continue to work on myself.
Rabosai, I am here now. I cannot thank all of you enough for the chizuk you have all given me the past few months. I hope to continue to grow together.
