Hi everyone I just need get my story out for the support
i was a good tmimusdiga kid didnt know anything so much so that one day bachurim came into my room in the dorm and spoke about learning kesubos daf tes, nida,etc. and i ran out of my own room, but all that aside i still had a natural burning temptation to this unknowing what it is & what im doing, so at a young age about 12 i was looking at people in the street and thats it, than about 14 yrs old when i was experiancing a urge in the mikva i was playing with myself in the water which caused the zera to come out on its own which was my first experience with zera levatula since then i started going to mikva late so that i can have peace and quite to play with myself etc.
at abou 16 i found a booklet of a hp printer in my house that 1 picture of a basically fully dressed women i hid it in the basement bathroom and used to go look at it from time to time playing with myself till it happened i discovered that i dont need to go under water in the mikva i can jusu do it on the floor of the bathroom but i didnt want to get dirty so i would put down my tzitzis and lay untop of it.
well well motzei sukkos we got back from our grandpearnts late at night i had terrible urges the whole hour ride home so as soon as we got home instead of helping unpack i ran straight to the bathroom in the basement and... a few minutes later my father upset that im not helping came looking for me and saw tziztis sticking out under the door he understood whats happening banged on the door and made me admit my guilt found the booklet... then for 2 days he didnt utter a single word to me just gave me looks of disgust,those were the 2 worst days of my life feeling rejected of my own family for something thatwas so natural (& by now i know how small of an aveira it was there was baisically nothing not tzenious about that picture), after 2 days he he spoke with me not in a loving way just that his rabbis told him that should be loving so he told me that he has to be loving but he wasnt really loving {im not upset at my father hes a very serious pearson by nature he definatly meant good he just didnt know how to do it} what ever the case it only got worse
fastforward 5 weeks before my chasuna i was with a friend in a kiosk in isreal we needed i think it was to book flights but he searched the worst stuff in front of my eyes that was the first time i came acroos real porn, although i ran out of the kiosk then but i was exposed and so 3 yrs after my chasuna when and if i found myself with a unfiltered phone and laptop i found myself watching porn at times when no-one was home.
after some time i cut that out hating myself for where i have fell to, but after a few months i figgured out a way to bypass the local kiosks filter to get bad porn pictures on ebay copied over to my email.
than about 4 yrs ago hashem randomly decided to lift me up as till then i was a kollel yungerman without ever dreaming of it hashem sent me a offer to become a maggid shiur in a very prestiougess yeshiva but part of the curriculum is talking about shmiras eineim but ever since i have to talk about it i hate myself to no end knowing that i dont practice what i preach i asked my rabbunim if i can quit my job but they all gave me chizuk & told me to stay but i didnt actually get helped just some chizzuk.
then it happened i always knew hashem loves me just look at everything hes done to me especially giving me my prestigious job, but it was allways contradictable to me because im a sheigitz so why does he love me, but a few days ago hashem again randomly sent me the meaningfull minute podcast of gye where i was introduced to this platform thats after runing to therapists but dropping out after 2-3 sessions cause i couldnt afford it, running to rabbaim but getting chizuk instead of help, i baisically gae up on myself, but hashem showed me that he raelly loves & its not at all a contradiction, he`ll help me eeven with this.
i found this really amazing because i saw that although i come from a very holy background balei ruach hakodesh & balei mofsim, i allways knew that they only achieved it due to their kedusha they were holy since birth never fell thru in this so im not going to get anywhere, but now hashem showed me that he`ll help me get to where i want even at the 30 yrs, nothing is contradictable there for i changed my user name from mevakesh 247 to rebakiva cause just like reb akiva who could start learning at 40, we can become holy pure and kedoishim at the 40 as well
my only wish is that hashem should help succeed in this journey to full freedom and kedusha together with all of kllal yisrael everyone has pain from this, but everyone also has hope just like reb akiva.       

Welcome to GYE and congratulations on introducing yourself. Pretty typical story. There are many mechanchim on GYE. Are you doing the F2F program? It is worth regularly reading The Battle of the Generation as many on GYE are doing. You can access the book over here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation
There is a download button for a pdf of the book at the end of the page if you prefer that to the audiobook.

I haven't been reading most of the forum recently so I don't recall the username mevakesh247. If you posted under that name and the name was deleted perhaps posting your deleted username ID would help me know you better. Please forgive me if I should have known you already.

Keep on posting and sharing and make friends.

Reb Akiva, welcome the GYE family!! Firstly, a huge mazal tov on having the courage to share your story! You are a hero and true Eved Hashem!!

You sound like a true Mevekash, like your first username so aptly described. However, I humbly disagree with your second user name. You are not starting from scratch at 40, you are merely entering the next rung of your steiging but walking into the holy doors of the chasuva yeshiva, GYE!! Here you will find many new rebbeim, one's who care for you, and understand your personal struggles as many of them personally have experienced very similar struggles. You are not a walking stira, you are a great person, a chasuva marbitz torah, and one humble enough that he is willing to work through this sugya together in this sacred space. Welcome my friend, and looking forward to continue to get to know you!

Hi Akiva! Welcome to the most amazing family around! Stick around, read some threads, connect to the oilam, and beH you'll soon see what works for you

My friend, so many of us came here just like you. And we learned to hope again. We learned to believe in a brighter future. And BH, with ythe help of Hashem and all the special guys here, we broke free. And so can you!!!

Your post is great, keep posting, join the conversations, and you'll learn a lot of good things. Hatzlacha!

Really really feel for you! Gosh that sounds like its really weighing on you. Must have taken courage to share. That same courage will get you through.

Welcome R' Akiva to the club
My heart broke reading your story, I'm sure it was very painful and took a lot of courage to write your story
keep us posted in your journey, you came to the right place
keep it up friend!

Thank you very much for youre great chizuk thats deffinatly a great perspective but something that will take lots of practice for me to boost my self esteem, thanks again.
p.s. sorry for the late response but due to my various jobs i cant login to this platform only late night or early morning but obviously only when im not in the presance of my wife (hopefully with the right guidence ill be able eventually to break it to her) so im abit on wierd schedules

Hi thank you for youre chizuk and yes it definatly took lots of courage. thanks again
p.s. sorry for the late response but due to my various jobs i cant login to this platform only late night or early morning but obviously only when im not in the presance of my wife (hopefully with the right guidence ill be able eventually to break it to her) so im abit on wierd schedules

Welcome Maggid Shiur to the forums. I was speaking to one of the great warriors on these forums (also a Maggid Shiur), and he told me that when one of his Talmidim once reached out to him in person, he proceeded to tell this young Bachur how courageous it was of him. Personally, I think that it's far more courageous for a Maggid Shiur to reach out for help. He is expected to be the one helping other people, and for him to admit that there's a problem to the extent that he needs to reach out and humble himself to ask for help, is worthy of respect and admiration. Many here can relate to the feeling of hypocrisy and self loathing that you described in your intro post. The good news is that there is so much help on these forums, that if you reach out for it, all that will be a thing of the past. That doesn't mean that you will become a Malach, you might not even attain the levels of Ruach HaKodesh your ancestors did, but the lust can be contained and you won't feel like a Rasha (which by the way isn't true at all, it's עצת היצר that's talking "I'm so bad anyway, so what difference does it make if I do it"). I'd like to clarify the remarks that what one of the people who I consider lucky enough to call a friend wrote.
menuchashanefesh9 wrote on 18 Sep 2024 17:03:

I think that Reb Menuchas Hanefesh is making the following point. Part of the feelings of hypocrisy stem from the fact that we think that if we struggle in this area, it makes all of our learning and Davening worthless. This can be compounded by the ספרים that we learn that talk about how תורה must be learnt בקדושה ובטהרה. While this is undoubtedly true, there's no question that your תורה and עבודה is very very far from worthless. There's no question that it has had a profound effect on your נשמה. The fact that you've been struggling in עניני קדושה, is likely because you were never given the proper tools to fight the YH properly. You might even be somewhat בגדר אונס. As soon as you learn the "tricks of the trade" - stuff that really works, all those מדריגות that you attained will burst forth in a holy flame that will illuminate every part of your עבודה. You aren't trying to mislead anyone to think your someone who your not, Your an 'עובד ה that's trying his hardest to reconcile real מדריגות with feelings of lust. Unfortunately they can coexist, but it doesn't make you in to a walking סתירה. The מדריגות are real and are waiting to be released from the grip of lust. Then you will be able to taste their sweetness. Read around the forums, find someone whose posts resonate with you, then reach out to him and you will be on your way. Hatzlacha Rabbah!

Thank you so much youre message ia a real chizue to me in fact exactly for that reason you mentioned about torah being bekdusha, is why almost every day before i give my shiur i ask hashem to be שכינה מדברת מתוך גרוני so that my talmidim get תורה בקדושה and not my klipos, from youre chizuk and from all the tools im so far getting here on this greatest platform in te world i now understand that altough it definetly is better for my talmidim to be מקבל תורה directly from hashem, that said but im starting to slowly but surely understand that im not that klipos i always considered myself to be.
obviously what i just mentioned nobody in the world knows about because why should i talk about it but im just trying to say that this platform is realy begining to dig out my deepest well kept secrets.
so thanks again to you and to all of kllal yisrael on this platform helping each other so much.

rebakiva wrote on 18 Sep 2024 14:48:

Rebakiva! Welcome to this great place.
Sounds like you're a very special person. And I love your honesty with yourself. You asked to quit a good job because you're not on the level of what you're teaching - Wow! Just amazing!
Check out all the great tools here on GYE, like the F2F program and tons of inspirational videos and iyH you'll go far!!
(There is also a Yiddish speaking GYE just in case it comes easier to you... but of course we love having you here on our forums)
Hatzlacha!
Keep up your great work!

hi everyone just want to cingradulate myself on my current 4 / 5 day streak although ive done in the past nore than 40 day`s i now realize that then i was clean from p&m but in reality i wasn`t really clean i had no idea what im doing i just stuck it out for a longer perioud, but this time its very different i have a mehalach, ways to distract myself, i love the find the fox method as now im not telling myself any more taht although im really dying for the fantasy`s i saw really its not so nice etc. that just wasnt working it was like telling a kid that ice cream is awefull, but rather now i`m saying the ice cream is delicious but that huge ugly dark green mouse with the red long disgusting tale wont be the one telling me what to do therefore for a change my reaction is one of uter disgust not to the pearson but rather to the ugly mouse aka the urge, i finaly feel like im starting to become clean of all kinds of even thoughts machshavos zaros,
most of all thanks to the community even though im not here so often just knowing that i have a community gives me great strength.

also thanks to the great mentor i was given by the moderator who i just now put 2 & 2 together that he really is moireiny verbeiny hhm, hes really being the greatest out there im so thankful to need to be accountable to him.

only 1 thing thats eating me up is that im still hiding... not for the bad just the opposite i just cant let my wife in on the gye great platform so im buisy hiding in the bathroom to watch the great videos & the greatest forum, ill some times wait up late at night till shes sleeping so i can login, i just sooooo badly need this comunity Hashem please help me withstand all my struggles

rebakiva wrote on 20 Sep 2024 18:37:

Yes, it is rough to hide from your wife. But know the facts are you're hiding something good for a change not something bad anymore,
BEZH Vayter!!
Hatzlocha!

redfaced wrote on 20 Sep 2024 19:35:

Well said! R' Rebakiva, I think a lot of us are in the same boat, and it's not fun. For me in particular, not being able to shmooze with the oilam, making sure my phone isn't lying around when calls or texts come in is hard. (As far as watching videos, a pair of AirPods or the like is useful, I can watch in the same room as my wife is..)

rebakiva wrote on 20 Sep 2024 18:37:

Just tell your wife that you're helping people on GYE who struggle with Kedusha related issues... And the videos? Oh, you're also learning more on this topic, to understand addiction and to learn how to help them... (and use headphones as iwantlife suggested)
That's what I did with my wife and it worked. I told her I'm not comfortable for her to see exactly what I'm writing. She understood and fully supports me in it.

Hatzlacha!

Edit: just in case my post comes across as if I'm a big fat liar... let me make it clear that I'm not. I really did tell my wife that I'm helping others. Let me clarify, that there is a lot of truth to it. Most guys that post on the forums, even if it's for their own sake, are inspiring others. There is so much one can learn from everyones journeys. ונאמר אמן.