I have a better taiva for you. Pick some interseting Minchas Chinuchs on Korban Pesach (last week's parsha). Make them your weekend off project.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 29 Jan 2021 00:14:

Thanks for sharing your ups and downs - real people have real situations to deal with!

Feel free to write your feelings out right here. 

You could also have written

Markz wrote on 29 Jan 2021 02:59:

Amazing! Thanks so so much, i love having u around

Hashem Help Me wrote on 29 Jan 2021 02:36:

Great call. I have a few blatt I gotta chazer, but ur right, I’ll choose something Geshmak and make it a project

I was driving with a close friend of mine enroute home, and I mentioned to him my kabola to not use unfiltered internet device/tv and he said “so how are u gonna chill/what are u gonna do the whole time?” He couldn’t chap like what am I gonna do over the off shabbos.
I said “idk but not that stuff!” 
It’s scary at first, when detaching from things which we grow up going to for entertainment/relaxation.
And like, lmaaseh, I can’t play basketball outside cuz it’s freezing (I guess now u guys know what side of the Equator I live), so we’ll see.

In my mind, my goal here is not simply to stop Masterbating/watching bad vids, but more than that.
My goal is to become a person with a “chush” for ruchnius...
Obviously one should take baby steps, but I think I’m holding here bh.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out!

YeshivaGuy

Been waiting all Shabbos to share where I’m holding.

Had a lot of taiva to masterbate over Shabbos.
Still have that taiva.
Thoughts in my mind to go online on chatting site/masterbate/watch vids/get restrictions code.

Will try to push myself to work out.
Its empty being home, not a Makom Aliya, so when there’s no ruach of Ruchnius pushing me in one direction, the ruach hatuma is felt much stronger.

I will prob be posting a lot tonight.
Its very hard, but I want a life of Kedusha so badly.

Thought of a girl from my past over Shabbos. Was hard. Felt “charata” that I gave that up...

Parents mentioned shidduchim, (and the physical characteristics id prefer, Oy..) so was on my mind a shtikl.
I really just want a kesher, to express love and give myself over to my wife bezras Hashem. 
So was hard, I dreamed of such a deep kesher.
I know that if this is what I aspire to have one day then I must NOT train myself to express my sexuality in a selfish manner.

Its funny, the Yetzer Hara seeks to take this real desire within me to “give,” and get me to channel it to “take.”
Ive fallen into this trap before.
In the past when I’d masterbate “to something,” I would think in my mind כאילו I’m giving myself over to that shiksa.
And I guess I was, I was giving myself over to the צד הטומאה... 

But not this time. 
I just can’t let go. I love the Ribono Shel Olam too much to do that...
Together we willl emerge from this furnace unscathed.

Anyway, gut vuch
Will be bkesher bezras Hashem

Nu YeshivaGuy, it’s after Tu B’shvat-you’re out of the freezer?
I hear you, I was home for Shabbos too...empty. 

I hear you...I really do. That’s why we’re here working on ourselves. You’re doing great and you definitely have the right mindset. I really think you’ll make a great husband. 
Post away, it’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

Doing well bh. Have some probs but will discuss in the coming days...
Gotta bentch/still daven and go to sleep without Masterbating or using internet.
Rough times.....

I wonder, maybe if I’d just masterbate id be happier? With an extra boost of dopamine?
I know it’s a crumb sevara, but the Yetzer has a good point... no?

About to start shmoneh esrai (super late, ik).
Thinking bout going to the room next to mine with a computer.........

YeshivaGuy wrote on 31 Jan 2021 05:33:

Yes. 

Don’t let any MonstahTricks tell you otherwize

It’s amazing, how the taiva fantasizes about the hanaa of the zera coming out. But what’s so amazing is that ik the moment it comes out, the “ever” becomes just a wet piece of meat and it was all an illusion

YeshivaGuy wrote on 31 Jan 2021 05:57:

You surely turned me off with that one...

Markz wrote on 31 Jan 2021 05:54:

Hey!! 

Just saying that I finally chapped pshat in the spoiler thing. I didn’t realize I had to press on it to see what it referenced. I never understood it