Somehow made it through last night.
Thanks guys!

Might drive down by the beach to the boardwalk with the fam.
They say there’s no one there cuz it’s colder, I hope that’s the case, cuz it’s 60 degrees today...

Will keep Y’all posted 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Dec 2020 18:06:

If you stroll along and take a bored walk, your head might start lusting after all those beautiful people that also say “there’s no one there” and came. 
Instead, grab your MonstahSneakers (Gevura) can lend you one, and take a 30 minute sprint. 
If you’re lucky you may even get a glimpse of General Grant poking his head out of the submarine (hmmm I wonder why he hangs out by the beach...)

Didn’t end up goin to the beach bh

I wonder if/when this voice will ever cease.
The voice which whispers in my ear to drink the venom of the נחש הקדמוני

YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Dec 2020 21:43:

Maybe never, but it will get easier to ignore. 

@YeshivaGuyAs soon as I get access to GYE, I always come here first. Just caught up on everything I missed since my last off-Shabbos. I just wanna day that this thread is a real kick in the pants for me, because I have a lot to learn from you in terms of fighting till the bitter end. I envy your ability to feel your feelings/urges and articulate them so clearly, which only  serves to highlight the Superhuman strength and grit required to overcome them. It reminds me that we are all superhuman and transcendent, by virtue of the potent power of a Yids Neshama which you do valiantly choose to give expression to every day. You are a real role model for me, and thinking of your triumphs will surely help me come out of my own weeklong break as clean as I came.

Yes I agree! 
I think yeshiva guy is the "gye navy seal" that fights till the end and never quits!

At dougies now with the family, night before I drive back to Yeshiva.
Funny, they don’t realize that I’m celebrating almost 100 days clean.

It’s our little secret

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 14 Dec 2020 18:14:

Couldn't agree more!!!!!

I can’t believe I’m writing this.

B’Chasdei HaShem I am now 100 days clean.
Clean from touching my “Ever” for hanaa.
Clean from masterbating
Clean from watching explicit content.

I used to dread saying kriyas shema.
The words “v’lo sasuru,” would send shivers down my spine.

In my heart I didn’t actually believe it was within my capability whether or not to violate these holy words.
And by extension, I wasn’t shayach to “v’hyisem Kedoshim.”

I was an outsider.

I would read Mussar Sefarim describing high madreigos of Kedusha v’Yiraah.

And I would listen to shmuzin from my Rebbium and Roshei HaYeshiva about how Klall Yisrael is a “Mamleches Kohanim v’Goy Kadosh.”

But every night I would hear shiur from a different “Rebbi.”

“Ein l’cha Cheleik b’Elokay Yisrael” is what the porn stars and western society would tell me.
I was just a piece of meat, evermore bound by his base desires.

And so I lived.
Learning, davening, and doing mitzvos.
But I didn’t actually believe I was shayach to a life of Kedusha.
The Rebbium just didn’t understand! 
This is 2020, this generation of Jews aren’t shayach to this “Goy Kadosh” that they speak of.

A sad mindset, born not out of rebellion, but of despair.

I had heard of GYE.
I had always assumed it was for crazy addicts, but not for “normal people” like me who struggled with masterbating and watching explicit content from time to time.

When zman ended early before Pesach due to Corona, I knew I had to do something drastic to stay afloat and not drown in the cesspool of pornography.

So I joined GYE.

I met an anonymous chevra of Emesdike Bnei Torah striving to grow in their Avodas HaShem.

I wasn’t alone.

This chevra lifted me up when I was down, and was always there for me no matter what.

There is one particular thing that has played a central role in my Hatzlocha thus far.

One day, HaShem Help Me reached out to me.

We spoke on the phone and he conveyed to me fundamental Yesodos of how to view myself and approach the challenges I was having.

He offered me a deal. If I would be clean for a certain amount of days then he would give me a certain amount of money.

The offer was for 30 clean days.

Now, in my mind, this was way outside of my Nekudas HaBechira! But he persisted and I agreed. I was matzliach Baruch HaShem, and have been ever since.

Every time I struggled he was there for me on the phone, over text, etc.

But what was more meaningful to me was that he was willing to invest in me when I wasn’t willing to invest in myself.

He invested monetarily in a “stock” which I never believed had the capability to grow.

This has been fundamental in my growth thus far, and  B’ezras Hashem, shall help further my Hatzlocha henceforth.

Anyone interested in this life altering opportunity can contact HHE directly or PM me for details.

I have no words with which to convey to each and every one of you my Hakoras HaTov.

People ask me “How did you do it? How did you overcome this particular nisayon?”

And the answer is,

I don’t know.

But I do know that it was this chevra here which debunked the lies I had been fed by the entertainment industry.

I am not a slave to lust.

I am the Baal HaBus over my Self.

And it is only because of this chevra here, that I now believe wholeheartedly that I am shayach to a life of Kedusha.

And Now, when I walk into the Beis HaMedrash, I proclaim defiantly in my heart and in my mind “Yesh Lee Cheilek b’Elokay Yisrael.”

Thank You,

YeshivaGuy

You are amazing in so many ways.

You should really celebrate and know that you are an inspiration for many on here.

Thank you for posting and sharing your experience!

From what I understand, the battle doesn't just stop after 100 days, so don't just casually skippidy dippidy away.....


Looking forward to see many more posts from you!

I'm clean for 180 days. Haven't touched a thing. Barely thought about it for months. I was on top of the world. Years of struggle, and suddenly I'm free. Just like that. Amazing. Had a good Yom Kippur, and never have to think about this again. Who ever would have thought that stopping cold turkey could be this easy? Amazing.


 The last few days I'm suddenly going crazy, fantasizing and craving a relapse. It's like quitting smoking, and after years off abstaining and thinking that you're totally over it, you suddenly are dying for just 1 cigarette. It's no big deal, and it won't lead to anything, your little voice says. Cognitively, you're well aware of the absurdity of such a statement, and that there can be nothing more dangerous than killing the streak with a one time indulgence (even if you say that you won't actually masturbate, which is also a laughably ridiculous sentiment), and that the last thing that such an indulgence would do is satiate the drive for another 6 months.

Nonetheless, with all of the cognizance of the horrific danger of a one time indulgence, that little voice just won't shut up. The frustration is driving me nuts. I haven't had wet dreams in months... Now I had a few nights in a row.

HKBH has been holding my hand the past few days, during the weeks of the saga of Yosef Hatzaddik. Every time I'm about to slip, the image of my Father appears in the window, metaphorically speaking. A shiur that I'm listening to just happens to extoll the great virtue of one who holds back from slipping in this temptation, and how it's the greatest cosmic accomplishment one can conceive. (No, the topic of the shiur had nothing to do with this. It was a open question and answer forum about anything under the sun playing in the background. I don't believe I've ever heard this topic discussed by that speaker before.)

I haven't even logged on here in months. I thought this was history. History seems to repeat itself, as the old saying goes.


I hope I can continue holding on. I don't know how much longer. May Hashem help me, and help us all.

(I almost forgot how much closer to Him I was when I was in the depths of the abyss, and He was the only one who knew I was there and was there with me. I had nobody to talk to or to ask for help from but Him. Ironically, in a way i was closer through my anguish than I am now in my numbness. At least then I appreciated the horrific gravity of what I was doing wrong, at least to a degree, and felt pain over my lack of feeling pain. Now I feel nothing.)


I'm not even sure why I'm posting here. I'm just venting. Thanks for listening.


@Yeshiva Guy, you're incredible. I can't emphasize that enough. Just absolutely incredible. May you (and Hashem Help Me) experience all the goodness and reward that comes to those that accomplish this monumental feat. Know the incredible nachas you are giving to your Creator.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 16 Dec 2020 03:04:

Mazal tov!!!

What an incredible celebration! A celebration of purity and truth! Of miracles and redemption!

A celebration of גבורים ביד חלשים!

A celebration of רבים ביד מעטים!

A celebration of טמאים ביד טהורים!

A celebration of רשעים ביד צדיקים!

A celebration of זידים ביד עוסקי תורתך!

A celebration by each and every one of us!

You may think that this is your very own celebration, but you are so wrong. All of us are celebrating too. All of us who were inspired to be better because of you. All of us who learned from you. All of us who are only holding where we are because we had the merit of sitting on the sidelines and viewing a mighty warrior vanquish a dragon. The dragon we all thought to be invincible and unconquerable. Until you fearlessly entered the ring, armed only with the knowledge that you must overcome it, no matter what.

We learned from you that the impossible was indeed possible. That the immortal was just waiting to be slain. That we do have the ability within ourselves to triumph and take control of our lives.

So it may be your 100 days, but it is our celebration too!

Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!

                                  Grant

badaba wrote on 16 Dec 2020 04:11:

@badaba: Why don't you start you own thread and continue documenting your journey. It seems like you have what to share and know the benefits of the forum. 

We would love to get to know you better, and be a part of your heroic journey! 

Looking forward to reading your first post in your thread!