Had a dream last night that was touching my “ever” etc and a girl (I know and like) was trying to get me in a room with her alone...
In the dream I was almost motzei zera but held back cuz I said “I’m 38 days clean”

BH was just a dream and I wasn’t actually touching my “ever” like that... 
But was rough.
And now def got tons of taiva, but I wanna make it to day 40!!

Hang in there! You're gonna make it to day 40 and also "make it to yeshiva" again! Wouldn't it be great to start yeshiva on a 40 day streak? (I hope your yeshiva is able to open.)

You will! you got this! keep strong!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 15 Oct 2020 19:10:

“Addicts” don’t dream about it. 
“Non Addicts” dream about it when awake. 

What are you?

Markz wrote on 15 Oct 2020 20:07:

I’m not following... 
No one dreams of doing issurim?

Your dreams are completely normal and especially for someone breaking free. Actually a good sign. Will try to post soon to explain. Meanwhile just forget about it and move on.

Oish these Yeshiva Boys need rashi to understand a post!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 15 Oct 2020 19:10:

Grant400 wrote on 30 Jul 2020 21:58:


Here's a post from a  while ago. It shows that not breaking your streak is extremely important to you and on your mind constantly. Kol hakavod!

                                  Grant 

When one brings on a wet (or dry, but erotic) dream by heavy lusting during the day, he is responsible for it. In your case the opposite is true. You have BH consciously decided to stop lusting, touching, etc. You spend your days productively. Meanwhile the subconscious (nefesh ha'behamis) is missing "the fix". "When am i getting that thrilling release again?" It starts to realize that the conscious mind has decided "it's over buddy; no more of that garbage". So when it is in charge - when you are asleep or very spaced out (sometimes even during shemona esray) - it digs up images from the past that were seared on the brain by hyperfocused pornography watching and hyperfocused fantasizing while masturbating. I think guys that have these vivid dreams should be told mazel tov - being that they have reached the level that the subconscious has realized you are determined to stay clean. In your particular case you had the s'yatta d'shmaya that it was not actually a wet dream, which is a nice thing. It is completely normal for guys breaking free to have these dreams and spaced out erections. Eventually they will b'ezras Hashem recede. As an aside I predict that b'ezras Hashem you will iyh have one very fortunate wife; you are straightening out your brain before starting to date.........

ALOT of taiva.
Wont give in.
Im actively controlling my Guf right now.
This is called Bechira.
Gn

Ok folks, it’s getting exciting.
For whatever reason I can’t go to Yeshiva until About Wed or Thurs.
41 clean days from “stimulation” thus far.
And 69 days clean from watching bad vids on YouTube.
Bezras HaShem we’ll prevail

YeshivaGuy, you’re a rockstar!

Keep on trucking...

Deleted

EDIT:


Gotta survive until Yeshiva.
Giving me massive taiva, especially when I girl looks at me etc and we both like each other.
Gives me massive taiva to go on YouTube, to masterbate, TO JUST TOUCH MY “EVER”!!!!!!
I just looked at a gif of a girl. First time in awhile.
That is the inch the Yetzer wants.
Im being told that once I saw a pic of a girl (dressed) I should masterbate,touch, spend the night on YouTube.

AAAAA!!!!!
I know I CAN do it (be matzliach).
But I must keep my SEICHEL in control.
Which is a big struggle for me right now.

I was dumb also, I shmuzed with her abit tonight after the meal.
Gotta stop this. Uch.

ISo rough.
I was planning to avoid this, but HaShem shoves me into it.
Hard.

I CAN and I MUST WIN.
Its just so hard. And it would’ve been easier if I would t have given an inch and shmuzed abit with her tonight. But I did give an inch, spoke to her. And now it’s much harder because of that.

Im insane. It’s so so beneath me. Gosh.

That would be absolutely terrible for me. It would send me into Yeshiva feeling like garbage. (Like has unfortunately happened in the past...)

The most mind boggling thing is.
ITS ALL IN MY CONTROL!
Thats what’s so crazy. I just need to use my bechira properly and I can become a tremendous Tzadik and Talmud Chacham.
GOD! 
It’s insane.

My life is nuts, u guys only know a fraction of the struggles I’ve been through.
Sometimes I wonder why HaShem gives my such big, elaborate nisyonos...

Ive really been through a lot the last 42 days.
The Yetzer likes keeping things fresh and exciting.
Trying new tactics when he sees I’m winning.
This nisayon is one that I’ve never overcame before.
But this is תשפ״א fellas.
Im hear to control my taiva and master my guf.
I hope HaShem Yisborach sees how much I love HIM and yearn for dveikus.
And I hope one day my wife (bezras Hashem) will appreciate the Mesirus Nefesh and Agmas Nafesh I’m going through to one day build a home of Kedusha v’Tahara.

Any eitza to totally avoid them is pointless cuz they’re by us.
But open to chizuk.
Thank you all.

I really really hope to “make it to Yeshiva” soon.
And maybe someday, “Yeshiva” will make it to “Me”

Craving the hana’ah.
But not tonight. Can’t do it tonight.
Guys I need you. I can only get through these days with your support.

Shkoyach