First day back in Yeshiva.
Was pretty good bh. Struggled a lot today with inyanei kedusha. Gonna learn from where I went wrong and improve bezras Hashem.

Hey guys, I need some chizzuk.
Was shmuzing with some friends in Yeshiva tonight, and they started discussing a tv show about off the derech people, I hadn’t heard of it before so they told me about it.
Then my friend took out his laptop to show us the trailer.

It was me and a few guys and immediately at the beggining there was a woman with her chest showing, I was taken aback and walked away, and my friends didn’t flinch. They kept watching it, and told me (as saying nebach it’s so crumb) it was very inappropriate, and kissing etc.
I was so surprised that these guys had no boosha to see that in a yeshiva dorm together.

I felt bad that maybe I looked too frum and there was a guy who said sarcastically “you’re suuucchh a tzaddiikk,” and thought maybe I should apologize, but I didn’t. Instead I said “I’m not such a tzadik, I just know that if I see breasts I’ll go crazy.”

The thing is, it’s not that I’m super duper perfect with Shmiras Eynayim, I was just repulsed at that moment, which made me feel hypocritical…

Look at the mirror and repeat his words (minus the cruel sarcasm):

"Yes, I AM such a tzadik!"

I dunno how you withstood that; the Malachim in shamayim are dancing with joy (and here in Grodno, we are celebrating as well : )

BTW I love how you were so honest about how the graphic stuff would make you crazy; embrace your humanity...but then be a hero!

​chazak, bro!

IMG

I don’t know how you did it. If it was me I would be extremely tempted to look. You should be very proud of yourself.
KUTGW

All I can say is you did a great job! 

Keep doing what you are doing, your approach is great. 

Btw when someone calls you a tzaddik sarcastically, even if he doesn't mean it as a compliment, it's still true! 

Yeshiva guy , because you are constantly working on this your Neshama is much more sensitive to tumah.

Your friends may unfortunately be involved with these issues, perhaps you can somehow refer them to this wonderful website.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Aug 2021 05:57:

Standing up for basic principles yet occasionally  getting overtaken by the beast is not hypocritical

YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Aug 2021 05:57:

You made a very interesting point, something that scares me personally. when i go in the street it disturbs me to see pritzus, it repulses me, not all the time but alot of the time. however between me and my device its like a switch turns on and everything is fine [in a bad way]. so i definitely empathize with the hypocrisy feeling. 
it just goes to show we are all pure inside just covered up a bit [or alot] with garbage.
all the best
jack

What strength Yeshiva Guy.
A interesting way of looking at the whole idea of training ourselves, is by not trying to squash the YH, and turn him into pulp, but rather if we work hard on ourselves we can turn the YH into a YT.- from the Tanya Kadisha.

​YG you definitely did that.

Good shabbos

I really want to masterbate and watch zachen, but it’s really not what I want.
Idk, anyway Gn and gut vuch

Did you end up coming to Israel for Yeshiva?

..

I really want to just masterbate and get it over with. Feels like I’ll be able to learn and daven better if I can just get this stuff out already.

Its so stupid though. I’m going crazy for what? To ejaculate? To have some stuff come out of my penis?! That’s so pointless and meaningless.
On the other hand, like, Hashem what’s the big deal? Why does GD care whether I ejaculate or not?

Idk, just getting out my thoughts.

I can understand the frustration, unfortunately this is a short term fix, as it will only help till the next build up. I think Dov speaks about it in a post named "the nuclear reset button" or something like that.
I hope you feel better.

I get your quandary. I would also ask, is it something you struggle with on the day to day or you’re posting here because this specific issue has come up?  Personally, if you have no prior issues, I say go for it.  In my past experience, and I haven’t always struggled with this, that honestly has done the trick.  

on the other hand, if you have struggled with it, then your line of reasoning, your emotional response, the feelings inside you, are completely and one hundred percent your yetzer hara slowly waring down the better half of you and your defenses.  Perhaps you can put the energy to good use by plant some vegetables in a garden, going for a swim.  Cooking a meal.  

Re: why is it important to Hashem.  I think we’re all on a learning curve to modesty.  Having grown up in an age where modesty is so far gone and even seen as a moral evil by some, any Jew alive today has a long journey back to the innocence and purity of a more modest time.  Personally, when I contemplate the unbelievable miracle of life, I am humbled and rebuked in my casual treatment of “that stuff” coming out of me.  Think of the miraculous nature…every creature has nearly been designed with the same set of piping, male and female, which somehow fit together perfectly and miraculously, which take two tiny substances and make an entirely, new and never before created, being.   Why didn’t we have reproduction through our hands, or spit in our mouths, or eyeballs that could leave our bodies and mate with someone else?  Why is it that mostly all animals mate the same way?  There must be something extremely special in this that G-d wouldn’t want us messing around with absent mindedly.  Let’s keep the support mutual!! Keep going!