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Make it to Yeshiva
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TOPIC: Make it to Yeshiva 25298 Views

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 22 Mar 2021 23:45 #365901

  • YeshivaGuy
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mggsbms wrote on 22 Mar 2021 23:36:
You articulated so well many of the feelings I have, even as someone married for many years, happily b"h, with the very blessings you describe, but still have that deep longing. I would not project that onto you, as you are single, however there is something to think about there if these longings are a product of something else going on in our psyche, and not necessarily the dearth of these actual relationships. Food for thought.

It’s hard to know, especially since I’m single, and then everyone explains these emotions as the natural desire for marrige.
And I do beleive that, very much.
But you raise an important point.
Some pshatim could be: The unsatiable desire of the neshama for kirvas HaShem. In which case, lechora, better learning/davening would help.
And יש לדון if we’re such baalei madreiga that we’re in touch with the תשוקה of the neshama. Or if we’re depriving our Nefesh of Ruchnius so it’s starving...
It could also come from a lack of appreciating what one has and always feels lacking. Rav Dessler discusses a similar concept in kuntres hachesed, about the ״כח המשיחה״.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 01:33 #365916

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YeshivaGuy wrote on 22 Mar 2021 23:18:
Feeling sad, depressed, apathetic, and worthless.
It would be so nice to numb the pain, to feel the blood rush through my veins.
Finnaly, for a smile to grace my face..
I know it’s wrong to misdirect my emotions with destructive behavior.
I know...

 I was in Lakewood today, and seeing the couples, husbands and wife’s together with children, Oy it must be so incredible to have such a relationship.
The pretty girls there weren’t as much the problem, it’s the light in their eyes, I saw a young woman so happy with her baby. That emotion, was so touching, something I very much desire...

Oh, I will give my wife bezras Hashem all of my Self. Every fiber of my being will be dedicated for her happiness and fulfillment.
That is what I want, to give myself 100% to someone. It’s a seemingly odd emotion to have, but after learning kuntrus hachesed, I’m able to identify it.

Im not yet ready though, I need to grow more in learning and in my emotional/spycological health.
And these emotions, coupled with sadness, leads me to taiva... 
I crave hiskashrus. To look into her eyes and say “I love you.” 

And somehow this positive emotion leads me to desire porn or Masterbating. I understood the correlation, but it’s hard.
Feeling so overwhelmed, overcome with emotions raging through me....

Oy YG, I am with you. I have so many of the same feelings. It's normal, we'll get there too. I was away for Shabbos and felt the same way when I saw all the couples strolling about, not lust, just a longing to be there too.
HUG!
נאָך אַ שריפה ווערט מען רייַך - After a fire one becomes wealthy.

My email: bhyy@protonmail.com

My thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/349632-Hayom-Yom

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 04:48 #365933

  • YeshivaGuy
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Why? I pass unfiltered computers everyday here. It’s so hard. I know it’s possible but gosh, this just ain’t fun.
Why? Why am I being moser nefesh? Why am I depriving myself of such joy, the blood running through my veins, heart pumping. It’s invigorating.
Im resuming working out in the morning, but idk, it’s so so hard, and I’m thinking like wats the point, I don’t know if I have the strength...
It feels, l’havdil, like eishes potiphar is seeking to seduce me everyday, and I don’t know what to tell u guys but, I’m just not Yosef HaTzadik...

It’s not fair. Ok? It’s not fair.
Does it need to be?
Not sure.

Gn
Last Edit: 23 Mar 2021 04:56 by YeshivaGuy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 06:18 #365935

  • wilnevergiveup
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YeshivaGuy wrote on 22 Mar 2021 23:45:

mggsbms wrote on 22 Mar 2021 23:36:
You articulated so well many of the feelings I have, even as someone married for many years, happily b"h, with the very blessings you describe, but still have that deep longing. I would not project that onto you, as you are single, however there is something to think about there if these longings are a product of something else going on in our psyche, and not necessarily the dearth of these actual relationships. Food for thought.

It’s hard to know, especially since I’m single, and then everyone explains these emotions as the natural desire for marrige.
And I do beleive that, very much.
But you raise an important point.
Some pshatim could be: The unsatiable desire of the neshama for kirvas HaShem. In which case, lechora, better learning/davening would help.
And יש לדון if we’re such baalei madreiga that we’re in touch with the תשוקה of the neshama. Or if we’re depriving our Nefesh of Ruchnius so it’s starving...
It could also come from a lack of appreciating what one has and always feels lacking. Rav Dessler discusses a similar concept in kuntres hachesed, about the ״כח המשיחה״.

Perhaps plain old loneliness? 
Check out My thread

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 06:33 #365936

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YeshivaGuy wrote on 23 Mar 2021 04:48:
Why? I pass unfiltered computers everyday here. It’s so hard. I know it’s possible but gosh, this just ain’t fun.
Why? Why am I being moser nefesh? Why am I depriving myself of such joy, the blood running through my veins, heart pumping. It’s invigorating.
Im resuming working out in the morning, but idk, it’s so so hard, and I’m thinking like wats the point, I don’t know if I have the strength...
It feels, l’havdil, like eishes potiphar is seeking to seduce me everyday, and I don’t know what to tell u guys but, I’m just not Yosef HaTzadik...

It’s not fair. Ok? It’s not fair.
Does it need to be?
Not sure.

Gn

Oy, what you are going through, the pain, the constant nisayon, the yetzer hora not letting you think straight, possibly even Him making you have resentment because it could be so much easier with filters, my heart is breaking for and for the many others in that kind of situation. 

I would like to point out that now, with you being about 200 days removed from the last time you masturbated/watched porn you don't actually remember what is really like.
You don't remember the pleasure, the freedom of sinning.
You also don't remember the pain, the disgust, the unhappiness, disappointment, the self-loathing, the loss of freedom, of serenity, of self control, of self esteem, of self confidence and that horrible feeling that comes as just when you are finishing to masturbate, when the semen is still rushing out when you lose your entire sexual desire in one second but you're still doing it.... 

Read through your thread, see if you've described your feelings at different stages and use that to help you grow and grow more than anyone can possibly fathom this bein hazmanim
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 12:57 #365941

Hi, 
YG you have one thing that you are more special then all of us.
In pesachim (don't remember which daf ) it says that there are three people that hakudosh baruch hu calls on them every day. one of them are a single who lives in the city and doesn't sin and rashi says that a single with so many nisyonos surrounding him and he doesn't sin is such a big thing that he himself calls on them so there it is fair!!!

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 19:31 #365975

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No ones home. I wanna masterbate. Wanna watch on computer/tv.
Wanna.
wanna.
wanna.
REALLY WANNA!!!!





Wont.
Last Edit: 23 Mar 2021 19:31 by YeshivaGuy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 20:04 #365976

  • HappyYid
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I don't know how you do it!!!
My only protection now is my filters.
You are so strong!

Chazak V'emutz
HappyYid
Feel free to contact me happyyid613@gmail.com
My thread

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 20:06 #365977

  • Ish MiGrodno
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 This calls for a new super-thread alongside "L'Chaim Let's Celebrate" - in honor of YG hitting day 200 in three days BEZ"H....

We'll need to arrange for a complete virtual affair; prime rib, orchestra, speakers. etc.

That'll get him through the next few days (but YG, you'll need to stay busy cleaning cars as well..!)

Looking for excuses to party in Grodno ~ IMG

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 21:16 #365982

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YeshivaGuy wrote on 23 Mar 2021 19:31:
No ones home. I wanna masterbate. Wanna watch on computer/tv.
Wanna.
wanna.
wanna.
REALLY WANNA!!!!





Wont.

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Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 21:27 #365983

  • Grant400
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I'm beginning to suspect @YG is an angel. I'm not joking. How a person can exercise such discipline especially at such a young age is beyond me. It's mindboggling and flabbergasting.

The mark of a real איש. The mark of real אמת. The mark of a real 'עבד ה.

!כל הכבוד 
I lost a 6 month streak. I will get back there. Not if, but when. When? Now.

l can be reached at: Grant.400@yahoo.com

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 21:39 #365984

  • YeshivaGuy
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Thank you all for the kind words and chizzuk.
I was able to force myself to chazer an amud with Rashi twice.
And then I played with my younger brother who was downstairs.
I will say that I went to my fathers computer in the attic to be nichshal but bh wasn’t...

My parents are back home now.
Its hard cuz my dad won’t put filters on his computers and they are always unlocked in the attic. And my brother has a computer in the bedroom next to mine.
And we have a lot of TVs which have YouTube access and it’s impossible to block (after speaking to the company), so it’s hard.

The only way I can get through this is with all you guys and the support on and off the site.

Thank you all and tizku l’mitzvos!
Last Edit: 23 Mar 2021 21:40 by YeshivaGuy.

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 23 Mar 2021 22:29 #365988

  • Rebuild613
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.
Last Edit: 31 Mar 2021 08:37 by Rebuild613. Reason: .

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 24 Mar 2021 04:55 #366007

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I’m struggling a lot right now. That’s all I’ll say, and it’s my fault.
Ill try to hold on.
Gn

Re: Make it to Yeshiva 24 Mar 2021 08:15 #366013

  • Striving Avreich
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I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.

What's also your fault is 198 days 
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