Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest

A struggling bochur
(0 viewing) 
Welcome to our forum! Introduce yourself here (anonymously, of course) and get a warm welcome from the rest of the community!

TOPIC: A struggling bochur 80875 Views

Re: A struggling bochur 01 Jan 2021 04:33 #360311

If you read my thread you would see I'm not disagreeing with you at all. 
I agree marriage isn't the fix. 

I disagree though with those that say marriage doesn't help, it does certainly help if you worked on the lust before marriage and gave it all you got. 

I never got married for sex or looks, I got married thinking I'm gonna struggle with lusting based on the advice on gye, but bh learnt the happy way;)

I think it's unfair to make a blanket statement that marriage doesn't help, and to frighten those bochurim trying to overcome their struggle.

If you gave it all you got as a single, go into marriage happy and obviously cautious but main focus is on the happy part.

Feel free to argue but only if you have the experience. 
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 01 Jan 2021 15:29 #360348

  • Grant400
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1080
  • Karma: 111
Here's my take. 

Many people have experiences either way. Some get married and they're lust levels spiral out of control, yet some get married and experience a satisfaction and a lowered level of lust. Both are legitimate experiences. 

The way I see it is like S&K is saying.  

When one enters marriage with the same lusty perspective he had while being single, expecting all his desires to be fulfilled and to be able to suddenly control himself when it comes to acting out, then yes marriage can not only be unhelpful, but at the same time can be detrimental and bring him to even lower levels.

For many reasons. Just to mention a few. 

1) When viewing sex from a purely lust point of view, a person constantly needs more intensity to give him the same high, marriage doesn't necessarily lend itself to that. (That realization, that he'll never feel fulfilled, can set of a feeding frenzy.)

2) In addition a person cannot (necessarily) have relations with a spouse as often as he is used to acting out.

3) Most importantly, when one is used to any amount of women doing whatever he desires at his fingertips, then one woman, especially one not as skewed as him, will never suffice.

4) Sexual activity is pretty much going to happen. And once those feelings enter the doorway, more lusting is practically inevitable. (When not done properly)

5) There's always going to be a prettier and more attractive woman. Someone is definitely going to have a better looking wife, and a wilder bedroom life. Lust is never complacent or satisfied. 

That's just listing a few. I'm sure there are many more reasons.


On the other hand, when one learns to approach lust with the right mindset, then marriage can indeed be s helpful answer. It can be the balm he was searching for.

He now has a healthy, kosher outlet for his normal male sexual desires. He now has a female companion to satisfy regular necessities. He's not expected anymore to go years and years without ejaculation. He now can enjoy the female body in a safe and mature way.

(This is all besides now having additional reasons to remain clean. Love. Loyalty. Guilt. Fear.)

Personally, I can say with validity and certainty, that I would not be holding where I am holding if not for being married. Originally before joining GYE, marriage wasn't the answer, and only led me to feeling more guilt and like a horrible person. But after learning the proper and healthy manner to approach this topic, marriage is going hand in hand as an antidote to years and years of twisted lusting.

So to sum it up. Marriage can be a tremendous help for a healthy male sex drive, yet it is the most flammable of liquids to the fires of lust.

                                  Grant

P.S. This is all beside the point, that when a luster gets married, he most probably will destroy his marriage at worst, or put his poor, innocent, sweet wife through bitter h*ll at best.
Last Edit: 01 Jan 2021 15:43 by Grant400.

Re: A struggling bochur 19 Feb 2021 06:44 #363751

  • YeshivaGuy
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1198
  • Karma: 81
saveme123 wrote on 02 Jul 2018 16:54:
Hey im a bochur of 20 yers old struggling. My issue is mainly on my smartphone and unfiltered internet too 

Hows it goin?

Re: A struggling bochur 29 Apr 2021 16:59 #367669

  • OTR
  • Current streak: 4 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 546
  • Karma: 11
Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 30 Oct 2020 20:31:
Just a brief update: shnitzel is a father to a healthy child, and bh is doing awesome. 


It's incredible that the last time I watched porn was like 1.5 years ago.


I just want to say my following point for all bochurim/singles reading this: 


"Does marriage help or not?" I constantly had the same question, and so who wants to hear the truth?


So my opinion is that marriage definitely helps tremendously however only if as a single you gave it all you got. only (but not limited to) if you actually spoke it over with rav/mashpia, went to therapy, had others on gye helping etc.


If so, why are there so many on gye that claim marriage made it worse for them? Why are most on gye married? 

My theory is, that because unfortunately they didn't know about gye when they were still single so they didn't get a opportunity to figure it out then. They weren't so lucky like you. 

Now, if someone didn't use gye tools and really fight it as a single then based on most people on gye marriage will make it worse and I understand it partially. The guilt you have once married, is much worse and you then realize that seemingly there's no light at the end of the tunnel. 


I didn't manage to put a complete stop to acting out before I was married, but I constantly fought and that's what it is about, constantly fighting. But if you do that, most probably marriage will help you have a healthy outlet and keep you clean from seeking unhealthy outlets, like it bh does to me. 


May hashem help me to constantly stay clean without having any  urges which occasionally happens once in a while.


In short singles listen up: fight fight fight now!! This is your chance to fix it, to have an amazing marriage without constantly battling the urges. 

Good luck to all, may hashem help us all!! Thanks hashem for helping me till now!

S&K (If you are still here) Frst of all congrats and hope things continue to improve for you. Mazel tov on the baby. And 1.5 years without porn wow! Amazing!

I just take small issue with what you write about marriage only helping if you worked in it as a bochur. I didn't work on it as a bochur apart from beating myself up. i never went to therapy and I'd say that even so, in marriage I have had my opportunities to improve and get above this. My wife busted me years back and the subsequent growth that took place was amazing. Things kinda leveled out after a while and I just don't really kill myself over it that much anymore but continue to try to do my best.

I think what I am really missing is possibly ongoing therapy as well as remaining active in recovery. But anyone anyday can choose to make a difference in their own lives. It is not all riding on whether you worked on it as a single bochur or not. SAying that really defeats the purpose of anyone who didn't do that trying...
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.

Re: A struggling bochur 01 Jun 2021 06:06 #369294

wow! just popped on.. bh doing great in this area, but very inspired by the courageous guys here still fighting. hakol hevel you rock!
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 26 Jul 2021 05:05 #371194

how is everyone doing! its been 3 plus years since joining gye! ive grown so much in this area bh. since i got married 2 years ago i have been able to keep my desires to a healthy outlet through marriage. but ive also grown in so many other areas which all started through gye.

lots of luck to all,
love shnitz
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 26 Jul 2021 05:59 #371195

  • OivedElokim
  • Current streak: 2 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 460
  • Karma: 45
Hey!
Nice to have you back here.
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: A struggling bochur 26 Jul 2021 15:22 #371201

  • Captain
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 368
  • Karma: 20
Just curious, now that you are married do you get to eat as much shnitzel and kugel?
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: A struggling bochur 27 Jul 2021 22:55 #371245

haha
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 27 Jul 2021 23:46 #371249

  • Smokey
  • OFFLINE
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 19
  • Karma: 7
[quote="][b]If you read my thread you would see I'm not disagreeing with you at all. 
I agree marriage isn't the fix. 

I disagree though with those that say marriage doesn't help, it does certainly help if you worked on the lust before marriage and gave it all you got. 

I never got married for sex or looks, I got married thinking I'm gonna struggle with lusting based on the advice on gye, but bh learnt the happy way;)

I think it's unfair to make a blanket statement that marriage doesn't help, and to frighten those bochurim trying to overcome their struggle.

If you gave it all you got as a single, go into marriage happy and obviously cautious but main focus is on the happy part.[/b]


[i]thanks so much for the great Chizuk! Me being a 21 year old bochur I am always wondering how will the future look like? should I be excited that marriage will help me and make my challenge easier or frightened that i can mess up way worse, your words and the conversation you sparked was really enlightening, so really thanks so much or sharing! Just wondering now that Bh you are basically more more or less clean from BEFORE you were married did you ever share with your wife you struggles you had while you were single?[/i]

[/quote]
follow my journey here

feel free to reach out to me!

Re: A struggling bochur 22 Aug 2021 05:23 #371788

i didnt based on advice i got and based on my hunch. its way too risky to share in my case. i dont see a point being that it isnt a struggle i currently battle. 
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 22 Aug 2021 05:28 #371790

regarding your worry. i believe one would have to take a poll between those that were here and were involved before they got married and see how many are clean after marriage. 

also, which is the main thing is to go to a therapist that specializes in this and once he says you are ready to date, go ahead. you are 21 so no rush:) unless you come from a chasidish backround with peer pressure lol
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 17 Oct 2021 02:08 #373342

GYE poll: how many of you here that struggle very hard with porn and mastrubation would say they experienced a good childhood in home and school?

I begin... i suffered alot from neglect and emotional abuse at home and school.

whatcha bout you guys?  
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 17 Oct 2021 03:09 #373346

  • Shmuel
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Expert Boarder
  • Posts: 97
  • Karma: 5
Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Oct 2021 02:08:
GYE poll: how many of you here that struggle very hard with porn and mastrubation would say they experienced a good childhood in home and school?

Yes

Re: A struggling bochur 17 Oct 2021 04:29 #373347

  • MayanHamisgaber
  • Current streak: 46 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1194
  • Karma: 70
I have had a positive childhood both at home and at school
very important thread: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/19180-FEEL-THE-HUGS%21%21%21">FEEL THE HUGS!!!
Time to create page: 0.65 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes