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A struggling bochur
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TOPIC: A struggling bochur 76313 Views

Re: A struggling bochur 01 Jan 2021 04:33 #360311

If you read my thread you would see I'm not disagreeing with you at all. 
I agree marriage isn't the fix. 

I disagree though with those that say marriage doesn't help, it does certainly help if you worked on the lust before marriage and gave it all you got. 

I never got married for sex or looks, I got married thinking I'm gonna struggle with lusting based on the advice on gye, but bh learnt the happy way;)

I think it's unfair to make a blanket statement that marriage doesn't help, and to frighten those bochurim trying to overcome their struggle.

If you gave it all you got as a single, go into marriage happy and obviously cautious but main focus is on the happy part.

Feel free to argue but only if you have the experience. 
Joined as a single bochur, Bh broke free (but still on watch) by using the tools on this website, therapy but mainly through getting married. 

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)

ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: A struggling bochur 01 Jan 2021 15:29 #360348

  • Grant400
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Here's my take. 

Many people have experiences either way. Some get married and they're lust levels spiral out of control, yet some get married and experience a satisfaction and a lowered level of lust. Both are legitimate experiences. 

The way I see it is like S&K is saying.  

When one enters marriage with the same lusty perspective he had while being single, expecting all his desires to be fulfilled and to be able to suddenly control himself when it comes to acting out, then yes marriage can not only be unhelpful, but at the same time can be detrimental and bring him to even lower levels.

For many reasons. Just to mention a few. 

1) When viewing sex from a purely lust point of view, a person constantly needs more intensity to give him the same high, marriage doesn't necessarily lend itself to that. (That realization, that he'll never feel fulfilled, can set of a feeding frenzy.)

2) In addition a person cannot (necessarily) have relations with a spouse as often as he is used to acting out.

3) Most importantly, when one is used to any amount of women doing whatever he desires at his fingertips, then one woman, especially one not as skewed as him, will never suffice.

4) Sexual activity is pretty much going to happen. And once those feelings enter the doorway, more lusting is practically inevitable. (When not done properly)

5) There's always going to be a prettier and more attractive woman. Someone is definitely going to have a better looking wife, and a wilder bedroom life. Lust is never complacent or satisfied. 

That's just listing a few. I'm sure there are many more reasons.

On the other hand, when one learns to approach lust with the right mindset, then marriage can indeed be s helpful answer. It can be the balm he was searching for.

He now has a healthy, kosher outlet for his normal male sexual desires. He now has a female companion to satisfy regular necessities. He's not expected anymore to go years and years without ejaculation. He now can enjoy the female body in a safe and mature way.

(This is all besides now having additional reasons to remain clean. Love. Loyalty. Guilt. Fear.)

Personally, I can say with validity and certainty, that I would not be holding where I am holding if not for being married. Originally before joining GYE, marriage wasn't the answer, and only led me to feeling more guilt and like a horrible person. But after learning the proper and healthy manner to approach this topic, marriage is going hand in hand as an antidote to years and years of twisted lusting.

So to sum it up. Marriage can be a tremendous help for a healthy male sex drive, yet it is the most flammable of liquids to the fires of lust.


P.S. This is all beside the point, that when a luster gets married, he most probably will destroy his marriage at worst, or put his poor, innocent, sweet wife through bitter h*ll at best.
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Last Edit: 01 Jan 2021 15:43 by Grant400.

Re: A struggling bochur 19 Feb 2021 06:44 #363751

  • YeshivaGuy
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saveme123 wrote on 02 Jul 2018 16:54:
Hey im a bochur of 20 yers old struggling. My issue is mainly on my smartphone and unfiltered internet too 

Hows it goin?
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