hello 
i'm a regular yeshivia bachur have been struggling for 8 years 
i think it's very difficult fighting alone and in yeshivia thats just how it goes 
too embarrassed  to tell anyone
a lot of guilt and numbness

hope I'm on the path to get help   

Hi afg,

You have come to the right place for help. Please share more details about your struggle, so that we can understand more about you and help you begin your recovery. Also take your time and go through the website to see the different options to start on your recovery.

WBF

You have access to porn in your yeshiva? They don't have some kind of internet filter policy?

Welcome!  Fighting alone is hard.  That is part of the power of GYE.  We are all embarrassed to tell someone.  Think about it.  Try to work up the courage to do it.  It is very liberating.  Do you have a rebbi you trust?  A family member?  A friend?  Tell the right person.  It can really help.  At least start posting here regularly.  It can be less scary to open up to someone with the same problems.  We all have them and need to face them.  I wish you all the best.

mzl wrote on 18 Jun 2018 12:30:

There's plenty of struggling to be had without porn...

True. For some reason I assumed that it's about porn, maybe because he's very young.

thank you all for your feedback 
my struggle began when I was young when I didn't  know what I was doing was a dangerous thing both on a  spiritual level and on a emotional level 
the older I got the more I learnt the effect its having on my Judaism and my emotional well being  
but of course the older I got the bigger the addiction was 
in regards to my Judaism I felt numb I felt like I had little connection to hashem,why would hashem help me if I've done so much wrong to him, why would I learn or daven, why would I try to grow if I'm really just so low.
the emotional toll also wasn't easy, lying to peaple ,lying to myself and haveing no one talk to doesn't make anything easier.
at one point I brought it up with a rebbi but I didn't feel he got me and I was just to embaresd to spill out everything. 
theres  times I try to stop the longest I've gone is probley 30 days 
that brings me to now we're I'm older and I'm just still fighting this never ending fight  

Is your struggle with (a) touching that thing you are not supposed to touch or (b) with looking at things you are not supposed to look on the internet or (c) something else?

AFG, I was in same boat as you, and you're a step ahead, because you at least took a leap of faith and tried to share with a Rebbi of yours.

Do you have 1 person in your life now that you're comfortable to try open upto? Someone you can trust

Give yourself time, you can do it!

my struggle began with looking at inapropiate things then shivchas zera lvtla then it started a bad cycle. it led to videos and bad movies and TV shows   
i don't feel comfetable telling anyone, my rebbi I'll just end up lieing to him and a closes friend i tried once but I feel that it's a thin line  because not always do they understand and you can make things  embarsing for both of you and not always do they have the insight you need or want 

I agree with you on that.

Would you like to speak to someone who xan gently tease some of these things out of you to start attacking some of the shame, or would you rather post things here and there?

If the former, there are tons of people here ready to listen on the phone, and the things they have done would probably make you blush, so nothing to fear.

afg wrote on 18 Jun 2018 17:01:

listen talking to a close friend won't help one bit, as they are really dumb and clueless about what is the right steps to take to tackle this addiction.
But how about making new GYE friends who you could chat (Private Chat some GYE people who have tasted some success) it worked great for me so hopefully it will help you as well!

 Love Yankel!

Welcome afg 

yankel is saying good stuff start slowly getting to know people here via the forum , and private chat , and eventually you will feel comfortable calling- theres alot of really good caring people that really want to help and be there for others  - im only getting to that now even though im around a while and i really regret not taking these steps sooner

Hatzlachah !

For most of us here, the first step to recovery was having the courage to speak to a real person who had "been there and done that." You are to be commended for taking your first step and actually writing that you have viewed pornography and masturbated. There are many out there who are struggling and have not yet made that move. It is a relief to unburden one's self from "THE SECRET". May Hashem help you on your road to recovery.