Hi, I am not really sure how these forums work. I'll do my best. I'm an old time struggler. Was intensely occupied with inappropriate material for 3 years. Then I made some radical life changes and was mostly sober for 15 years. I've recently been experiencing a relapse the past few months and it's a tug-of-war not to be drawn into the vortex and be back to where I was 15 yrs. ago. It's hashgach pratis I also discoverd GYE a few months ago. 
Part of me wants to forget about this website and the whole fight and just sink into the yam hataavah (like the man in the picture). Any hands out there to pull me to dry land? I love you all! Am Yisroel Chai!

Welcome

Fellow old timer here.

B'hatzlachah

thumbsup wrote on 08 Mar 2017 18:33:

I am new here as well :-)
I use the forum as a way to open up and seek chizuk. Makes me feel not so alone in this milchama

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

Hi

One hand here 

Welcome!! 

Welcome 
Let us know how we can help

Welcome, brother.

What radical life changes did you do? Heck, If I could get 15 years' sobriety, I'd chalk that up as something good to say when I go upstairs after 120.

Welcome!  What changed recently?  You say that you were clean for 15 years.  That is amazing!  It sounds like you might be going through something that you didn't mention that caused this to bubble to the surface again. 

Thank you everyone for your warm and encouraging support. Thank you GYE for being here. My story in a nutshell is a little crazy. I will be glad to share it hopefully it will be beneficial.

Basically it began when I was a budding teenager and began getting normal human urges. The problem was that in my home I was exposed to too much reading material (ie. magazines, circulars, and clothing catalogs) that quickly drew my fascination. It didn’t take long before I couldn’t go a day without secretly perusing these items and usually culminating in the known sin.

I tried countless times to break free unsuccessfully. I tried taking cold showers when I stumbled, and reading the parsha of onan in the torah, but I always ended up back at square one.

Finally, I saw light at the end of the tunnel. (By the way, this was before GYE times and my “addiction” was not really technology based) My parents were going to send me to a summer sleepaway camp where I would be free from exposure to tumah sources.

That summer I was tremendously inspired. There was literally no fight to give up tumah. There just wasn’t any around.

Now this is where my radical life change came, but it was based on the spur of a moment and accompanied with consequences in other life areas I will soon explain.

I decided I wanted to stay pure. I wanted to live a life of kedusha and close to H-shem. I didn’t ask a Rebbe or anything I acted purely on impulse. Besides, I have not shared my addiction with anyone until now. (I lived a double life). From that moment on I was determined to fully devote myself to learning Torah. I was a bochur and became a masmid staying in the bais medrash and learning countless hours.

This has been my main technique the past 14 years (up until about a year and a half ago). This all sounds awesome. Where is the catch?

The problem is that I went too far. I became so withdrawn over the past years that I developed severe social anxiety. I also destroyed my self-esteem and had zero self-confidence.

Now we are getting closer to the present. My wife wanted me to start earning a parnassah, but I felt I could do nothing beyond my comfort zone of learning in the bais medrash. The moment I stepped out I would be nervous and tense and feel totally vulnerable.

The past year I have been putting in extraordinary effort to socialize, build my self-esteem and self-confidence. But somehow as I return to being normal in a social way I feel that my old passion for tumah has gripped me once again. That’s basically my story in a nutshell. You probably have many kashyas on this maasah, but I was trying to be concise.

Anyways, I’m now on GYE and I’m fighting the battle to stay afloat.

Thank you.

PleaseI, if you wish, elaborate on your recent relapse.

Thank you

Thank you for sharing.  Check out the Dr Sorotzkin link in my signature.  I think you may find his writings and recordings illuminating.  It sounds like you used Torah as your escape, and it worked for a time.  Addiction is about escape.  I wish you all the best.  Keep posting. 

Thank you for sharing!
How does it feel to share? a lot of us here have gone through somewhat similar issues.

Curious what steps are you taking to socialize and build self esteem? (I have a fascination with psychology I should have been a therapist lol but maybe I should put that on my own thread not to hijack yours lol) ? and how was it different in the bais medrash? 

Have you joined the work force?

You say you "lived a double life" .... I definitely feel that way.... even now but only so much as the necessity to hide this aspect from my wife..... but its a struggle i dont think women can understand (like how we cant understand why it takes so darn long to get ready to go out lol)

anyways.... welcome!! feel free to share and get whatever you need off your chest

BHatzlacha Rabbah!!