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Re: New member introduction 26 Jun 2016 21:13 #290735

  • cordnoy
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Keepclean1993 wrote on 26 Jun 2016 20:02:
This is exactly what I don't understand! I don't know how old u guys are but I wasn't a kid too long ago, when my parents said something like, it shouldn't matter if your brother isn't cleaning you do what you should be doing, it made me really mad! Why should I end up cleaning up the whole room when there are other people who should be helping. Same here, why do the men have to be the only ones working on themselves? It's not like the woman are perfect in these scenarios.

I had similar questions three years ago when I arrived here. I know what worked and what is working for me.
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Re: New member introduction 26 Jun 2016 23:35 #290740

  • skeptical
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I've seen it time and time again on here.

The husbands complain that they are the ones who are being "told to do all the work, and it's not fair."
The wives complain that they are the ones who are being "told to do all the work, and it's not fair."

In reality, they aren't being told to do all the work. They are being told that the only person they can control is themselves, and that they should do their part without looking to see what the other is doing.

When they stop criticizing, nagging, complaining, etc. and begin to concern themselves only with doing their part, they are usually happy with the results.

Re: New member introduction 26 Jun 2016 23:49 #290741

  • cordnoy
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The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 00:04 #290746

  • mggsbms
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cordnoy wrote on 26 Jun 2016 23:49:
The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy.

Proactive people take their weather with them. SC
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Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 00:15 #290749

  • skeptical
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Moderator's Note:
helpshere, I've moved your posts, and posts answering your posts to your own thread entitled helpshere (you can change the title, if you'd like), so that things remain clear.

Welcome!
Last Edit: 27 Jun 2016 01:23 by skeptical.

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 00:44 #290756

  • Markz
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Members note about moderators involvement

If you have any struggles just "Report it to the moderator" and you will hopefully gain great input and sobriety, because they are all moderately skilled Tow Truckers / Captains / Powerless Tricyclers
 
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Last Edit: 27 Jun 2016 11:39 by Markz.

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 02:08 #290764

  • yiraishamaim
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Markz wrote on 26 Jun 2016 20:32:
I am not one to argue with skep but I didn't think the analogy was on target for my marriage (and perhaps others), or to answer the question, which was not a general marriage question but one about intimacy


so many people are complaining about their wives, either that they're not having sex or they feel like their wives are doing them a favor... why does it seem to me that the guys are the ones who are told so much about working on shalom bayis and the woman not so much 



Here's what little me thinks

There's a reason a wife is called a vibe in Yiddish. She feels your vibe whether you like it or not. She senses attached or disattached very strongly but may only be on a subconscious level. She senses her husbands 'sex drive' levels, and his love, very well - what you call Shalom bayis.

As long as we are lusting (whether bc of abused childhood, or other), our perceptions may way off and may wrongly put the blame on her. She may also feel the distance / disattachment b/c of our porn use. There may be more that she's affected by. This is not a shared friendship clean up toys situation

I believe (and am working in my marriage on this with coaching) that intimacy is not 50% the man's responsibility. It's 100% for him to rid himself of porn etc and give all to his wife. And then in many cases she may reciprocate BUT not necessarily in sexual ways (sorry), but the first thing is too remove the burden of sex from her. Oh from myself...

Brilliant  and humble. The only part you were wrong about was the description of yourself "little me"

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 05:07 #290790

  • goodchange613
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keepclean1993

thanks for bringing up the point, i know i have thought that myself every so often and its good to hear the answers again clarifying the issue!
the question i would still have is when is the point that it becomes a real issue and not just a lack of work on the husbands part? because as noted above sometimes even after all the work the wife just doesnt respond so how is one supposed to cope with that?

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 11:29 #290796

  • Keepclean1993
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cordnoy
Ok what worked for you? In your earlier post on this topic you said you had lot to say, I would love to hear it all
Last Edit: 27 Jun 2016 11:32 by Keepclean1993.

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 11:36 #290798

  • Keepclean1993
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Goodchange613
thats perfect. I know I'm new so I definitely need to work on myself, but I really do help my wife in many different areas, without getting into details, so yes the question still stands, I feel like I'm the one always putting in effort and I don't see the effort on her side, so how to deal with a situation like that 

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 11:37 #290799

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Keepclean1993 wrote on 27 Jun 2016 11:29:
cordnoy
Ok what worked for you? In your earlier post on this topic you said you had lot to say, I would love to hear it all

Start with the mikvah night thread (can be found in my signature).
I also talk about this stuff on the afternoon call.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: New member introduction 27 Jun 2016 12:01 #290801

  • skeptical
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First of all, as said above, doing the right thing makes us feel good. It doesn't really matter what the others are/aren't doing.

Second, sometimes things take time. They don't always happen on our schedule.

Third, while you say that you're always putting in all the effort, and your wife puts in none, we have no idea what any of that stuff is.

If you're always putting in all the effort, what more do you have to work on? 

Can it be that your wife is also putting in effort, but that it's not the effort you're fantasizing about, so you're blind to it?
 
Last Edit: 27 Jun 2016 12:02 by skeptical.

Re: New member introduction 28 Jun 2016 13:55 #290897

  • gibbor120
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A few points. 

Many people "think" they are being selfless, and don't realize how selfish they are actually being.

Rav Arush has 2 books on Shalom Bayis, one for men and one for women.  He says each one shoud NOT read the other.  My understanding is that when he is talking to the men, he wants them to focus on their responsibilities, and when he is talking to the women, he wants them to focus on  their responsibilities.

Yes, women have responsibilities too, but if each reads the wrong book, it puts an unhealthy focus on MY needs.

Many times, if you do your part without any expectation of being "paid back" you will see a miraculous difference in how your wife treats you.

You cannot control your wife, you can only control yourself.  It makes sense to work on the things you can control first.

She may have issues, and may not be perfect, but that is not your job. 

Finally, yes there are times that she may be at fault a little or a lot.  Does that make you feel better?

Take a look at the shalom bayis thread (found in my signature).  I think it's a very heartwarming and eye-opening thread.

Behatzlacha!

Re: New member introduction 28 Jun 2016 21:29 #290935

  • Keepclean1993
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I know you guys are trying to help, but this really isn't working for me. Forget about lust, porn or anything like that for a second I feel under appreciated and unloved when sex isn't in my life. Is that because I'm an addict? I don't see the connection 

Re: New member introduction 28 Jun 2016 23:19 #290955

  • Markz
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As long as sex was necessary for my life there was a certain level of 'addiction'

I believe now that sex is 100% optional

A little bit of sobriety goes a long way to give us some freedoms
My Story---------Dov Quotes




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