This is the first time I'm discussing this with anyone. But I'm currently married a little more than 2 years and I've come to realize something that I knew in the back of my head for a long time, I'm an addict. I don't know if it's my fault or not but I need to fix this however long it takes. I've been addicted to porn since I was 17. But my problems with shmiras habris started when I was 13. That's the first time I was molested. There was a guy my age who took advantage of me, I was a scared totally naive kid at that time. It only stopped when I forced myself to get a trusted teacher involved. B"h he put an end to it. It happened again when I was 14. This time it was worse. One of my best friends molested me when I was sleeping and I woke up in middle. Whil my masterbation problem started after that first time, it got so much worse after the second time. Only a couple of years later I was addicted to porn. I mentioned once to my wife that I was molested but I don't think she really understood what that meant. She doesn't know about my addiction and I plan on keeping it that way. I love her too much, I know it would hurt her and I can't do that. But I know I need help. So if anyone has any advice for someone who's trying to start recovering, I'm open to suggestions. Thanks

Welcome,

Sorry to hear that.
There's lots of good stuff around here.
Slow and steady.

B'hatzlachah

Welcome ! 
Refreshing honesty. Stick around an keep on posting. Help is on the way.

I am no expert on anything.. But as far as I know molesting can be serious. Did you see a therapist for that? Stuff happened to me too- not that but my own peckelach. Getting out all my emotions helped a lot. Again not expert but maybe you should look into that. 

Welcome!!


shmirashachaim wrote:

Ditto

Markz wrote on 23 Jun 2016 22:48:

A therapist may be very helpful. As  well, you could use the excuse of molestation to get a therapist without your wife finding out about the addiction. Later you can ascertain if telling her would be wise or not.

Welcome to gye, 

Keep us updated. On the bad news (hopefully not much) so we can try and help, and on the good news so we can cheer you on and be inspired.

Welcome!  Thanks for sharing.  I know it took a lot of courage.  Read the handbook.  Keep on posting.  We are here for you.

I've been looking through some of the forums. Specifically ones that deal with marriage. Can someone help me understand, I know I'm the one with an addiction problem, and therefore I have to work on myself, but so many people are complaining about their wives, either that they're not having sex or they feel like their wives are doing them a favor, there are a lot of responses about treating your wife better or something like that. Marriage is a two way street! I understand giving in, I use the idea it's better to be happy than to be right. But still sometimes I feel like woman should also be working on their marriage. I know they're not the addict, but they should work on stuff also. Basically I'm asking why does it seem to me that the guys are the ones who are told so much about working on shalom bayis and the woman not so much

My answer is for addicts only:
As long as you are looking at what she can do, you will not be doing what you need to do.

(I have much more to say as well.)

B'hatzlachah

It's like when I tell my kids to clean up.

They'll kvetch, "But no one else is doing anything - It's not fair!"

So everyone uses the excuse that nobody else is doing anything, and nothing gets done.

I tell them, "Worry about yourself, do what you need to do. It's up to the others to do what they need to do."

 

In any relationship with two decent people; if one gives in a selfless manner the other will sense it and give back. With a wife this is so much more the case. Of course we should not be looking over our shoulders to see if she is reciprocating. Just do and memayla  the shalom bayis will  improve.
If after considerable work on your addiction - which includes being caring to others - especially your wife - there is still a need to discuss certain things (with or without the help of a therapist) your chances of being well received by your wife goes way up because of your showing real love and consideration for a significant period.
Hang in There Buddy,  B'Hatzlocho!

Additionally, in our addicted state, we think the wife needs to improve in certain areas. We might be completely off base, and we can see that only when we are wearin' our new glasses.

This is exactly what I don't understand! I don't know how old u guys are but I wasn't a kid too long ago, when my parents said something like, it shouldn't matter if your brother isn't cleaning you do what you should be doing, it made me really mad! Why should I end up cleaning up the whole room when there are other people who should be helping. Same here, why do the men have to be the only ones working on themselves? It's not like the woman are perfect in these scenarios.

I am not one to argue with skep but I didn't think the analogy was on target for my marriage (and perhaps others), or to answer the question, which was not a general marriage question but one about intimacy




Here's what little me thinks

There's a reason a wife is called a vibe in Yiddish. She feels your vibe whether you like it or not. She senses attached or disattached very strongly but may only be on a subconscious level. She senses her husbands 'sex drive' levels, and his love, very well - what you call Shalom bayis.

As long as we are lusting (whether bc of abused childhood, or other), our perceptions may way off and may wrongly put the blame on her. She may also feel the distance / disattachment b/c of our porn use. There may be more that she's affected by. This is not a shared friendship clean up toys situation

I believe (and am working in my marriage on this with coaching) that intimacy is not 50% the man's responsibility. It's 100% for him to rid himself of porn etc and give all to his wife. And then in many cases she may reciprocate BUT not necessarily in sexual ways (sorry), but the first thing is too remove the burden of sex from her. Oh from myself...