A very moving tribute. 

יהי זכרה ברוך,

(And of course, every effort on your part makes her proud, and elevates her [gives her נשמה an עליה blaa"z)

Amazing tribute Shmira, well done for sharing it.

Today was an up and down day. Morning was tough with a lot of random images and thoughts in my head. Did breathing exercises during Seder and took a break. Once got home, caught up on a lot of work and had a great rest of the day. The end was rough though. Needed to get back on computer for work and that inexplicable pull happened again. I don't get it. I have a good life. An amazing wife. Didn't even stress today. But like a robot I am driven to look at inappropriate stuff. My mind goes haywire and I start pressing things that might "innocently" lead me to places I shouldn't go. I slipped. Not a fall. A slip. But how many times can I slip on a slippery slope without falling?
Need to block up my computer but not sure who to turn to or how to go about it.

Another thing that happened today: 
Opened up GYE email and the words WOMEN AND PORN hit me unexpectedly. 
I'm not petitioning anything just saying what happened:
I'm not sure if this is common, but I get triggered by the word 'pornography' (especially with the word women next to it, don't ask my brain is messed up). I will only say this as I saw an email a while ago on how GYE changed their שיטה to that one should say the name explicitly. 
I always both cringed and got turned on when I heard the word as it represents both the resentment and enchantment that took up so much of life, day in and day out, and countless of hours of gross indulgent seeking. I don't like saying the word. 
I opened the email while at a red light. When it turned green and continued on my way, I wondered why the words porn, pornography, or whatever, has so much of an effect on me. Am I scared of it? A sick awe perhaps? Why does it have so much power?
Driving and thinking, I came up with that maybe it's because 1) It's part of my inside world that I am ashamed of and haven't come to terms with completely. Here I am the guy who just finished Seder, was just telling a friend a good Vort from R Wolbe.. How am I this guy struggling? The word irks me and unsettles me. and 2) It's still that mystical mysterious word that I am still fascinated with. It still represents a world of unlimited.. "Utopia" perhaps? I am far from these feelings being the forefront of my mind and it's usually still disgusting, but perhaps they're still there.
I decided to create my own captain Kirk moment. I started talking to myself in the car:
Shmira. You struggle with porn. You are enticed by it. You-me-shmirah, have watched porn. Many times over and over again. I am in a way not the guy that others perceive, the guy that tries to do the right thing and works on himself. But in truth I am that same guy who tries to do the right thing and who works on himself, just in in more ways then what is apparent. But I'm the same guy. I am the same guy who learns R Wolbe and struggles with porn. I have a lot to work on. I watched porn and I still struggle. Porn. Pornography. I said the words over and over again.

I see the words "opened email while driving," and that gets me nervous. Lust kills, but it is not the only weapon out there. B'hatzlachah to me and to others.

shmirashachaim wrote:

Cornoy.. Not sure which line you're referring to. This one? Is looking at email at red light considered while driving? Don't know about you  but I try not to drive by red lights.


Or is it this one? Is thinking while driving dangerous? Yikes 

In any case not the best driver so much hazlacha to anyone that lives by me:devil:

I get the "women and porn" trigger.  I cannot read the women's sucess stories here.  I made that mistake before.

Yah.. Why I pressed on the link don't ask. But when I did it wasn't good.

cordnoy wrote on 06 Jul 2016 13:18:

You had enough of sailing? maybe you can become a State Trooper and start pulling over trucks and giving tickets.

Smokey in the bushes!!

shmirashachaim wrote:

Shemira if you have red lights on the highway, maybe you're on the wrong one?

Just kiddin'

KEEP TRUCKING


 I didn't want a trooper or my wife to see this, but I check gye emails while truckin' ;-)

Oh no the Hide button doesn't work :-(

Yeah, I have a shtickel of the same issue. I would prefer that women's stories not be shared on our side of the site. I have no problem hearing how they cope with their husband's addiction or the effect it had on their relationship or family according to their perspective but even hinting as to how they have personally struggled with addiction is more detrimental than beneficial.

shmira thanks for sharing the piece about your mother.         
I appreciate the fact that you brought us into this part of your personal life as well. About the the siyum? Why not start already for next year. just a little daily. This meaningful move just may give you some comfort.

yiraishamaim wrote:

Yes. My mother was obviously on my mind yesterday and for better or for worse whoever reads my thread sees what's on my mind. I consider GYE part of my life and comfortable sharing things. Yah, I also thought about doing the little a day plan. It's doable and meaningful. Reason why I brought it up is because often I get triggered from frustration (like not completing something in time) or embarrassment (like not making a siyum for mother's yarzeit) or guilt (like not doing something substantial for my mother)
thanks yiraishamaim for your kind words. Means a lot.
 

I just want to say that I have been reached out twice already from Abie. He is a tzaddik and really cares about others. Want to thank you Abie for helping me and i'm assuming others discreetly. You should be blessed wherever you are up to in your own journey.

Amen

B'H last couple days not too eventful. Maybe some fleeting thoughts here and there. I guess it's a good reminder that this should on my mind. Been busy trying to catch up on behind work instead of stressing about behind work. Reading through some threads, I am humbled at what people deal with everyday that make  my childish concerns bubkes compared to theirs. No job, angry wife, struggling with cheating on wife etc. my financial concern/stress is father not giving me money on time for the month, being behind college work, and some moderate lust attacks. Don't want Hashem to tell me what he told klall Yisroel when they were crying in the midbar and having something real to cry about! B'H I'm good. 

I want to know if anyone can help me (or show me a thread or something that can help me) on discerning if I am "white knuckling" or not. Markz mentioned that a bit ago and I didn't think so. But recently have been asking myself: how do I know?