Hi everyone. I have introduced myself in the past but I decided to open a new account because I haven’t been on top of my GYE game and after falling a couple times after a long streak I decided to start afresh. No point explaining more so I’ll get down to what I have been going through:I go by Chaim and I’m 23. I started a rollercoaster of depravity and teshuvah about four years ago which began with lusting and masturbating, and progressed to pornography. During this period I dealt with being diagnosed with OCD, ADD and depression, and my mother passing away. As is common with addicts, my image completely clashed with my activities and thoughts. I was viewed as a masmid, bal medos, tzadik, etc. but I had this storm going on inside me going on without anyone noticing it besides poor lonely me. True, I might of lacked self-esteem and overly cared about what people thought about me and feigned who I was somewhat, but I didn’t view myself as a complete  fake because I did care about growing and coming close to Hashem. Instead I saw myself as a very confused and depressed person.With a few therapists under my belt and signing up on GYE, I have been working on myself by attaining a better understating of my addiction and attempting to address my diagnoses and circumstances which are interrelated with each other and my addictionB”H, I have gained clarity through GYE in the nature of my addiction and the means of going about it. I was able to stay clean for a month and a half and I felt it was time to start dating. I felt clear headed going out with my first date. I haven’t done more than having the occasional fleeting sexual thoughts in a while and as far as I can tell I didn’t view her as a sex object. I didn’t fantasize about her and I’m pretty sure I was evaluating it with my usual methodical and even OCD thinking and I really truly believe it’s a neis that I am engaged to her. She is sweet, pure, and has a very similar outlook and goals that I do.I was clean for a while but I was still working on a TaPHSIC shvuah. I was able to think it through and write it down, but I acted out before I actually said it. I acted out once after that by paying my “small” kinas.I am so scared. What has gotten into me? I need to prepare for marriage and not hurt this girl whom I committed to take care of in a loving and healthy way. Please Hashem help me on this never ending journey!!

Welcome.
Sounds like you are wise beyond your years. I can stand to learn a thing or two from you.
I often find that lust is much worse when I'm in isolation.
They say something like "addiction breeds in the dark" around here.
Mazal Tov, and Hatzlocha.

Mazel Tov and Welcome!

My feelings are with you!

Keep on Trucking!!

Welcome back and Mazel Tov!!!

It is good to hear that you have had some success, and even if you had a fall or 2 you are still a much better person. May the 2 of you have a happy and fulfilling life together!


P.S. love the username

WELCOME back!  You mentioned that you were diagnosed with OCD, ADD, and depression.  Do you see a therapist?  If so, what does he/she think about your situation?  Do you have a mentor that you discuss your issues with?  I was in a similar situation, being considered a good bachur, thinking highly of myself on the one hand, but having dark secrets on the other.  My wife caught me after more than 10 years of marriage, and it was bitter indeed.  B"H things are much better now, but it was very painful for both of us.

I'm not sure what to tell you specifically, but you must get help, and perhaps must let her know, at least to some extent.  Does she know about your ADD, OCD, and depression?

It's a lot for a wife to endure, especially when she thinks so highly of you.  Please discuss your situation with someone wise.  Please get help.

TaPHSIC is a bandaid.  It can help a bit, but you have already seen that it is not the answer.  Your troubles are deeper than that.  Again, please get proper help and hadrocho.

And keep us posted on your progress.

Welcome (back? I'm relatively new here) and Mazal Tov! 
You may have done this already, but I highly recommend reading the Handbook. I haven't finished it yet but the more I read the more inspiring I find it to be. Hatzlacha! 

I hope that its OK if I chime in here. I am also returning after being away for .... 5 years. Over the past five years I've had many many many ups and just as many downs. Sometimes I went for months ... other times for days or hours. I finally decided to return to GYE in the hope that connecting with the chevra here will give me the chizuk I need to break free finally. 
Its funny. I kept debating if I should reconnect with GYE. I found myself saying to myself that I dont want to be involved with GYe because I dont want to live a double life and to be hiding my involvement from my family. LOL!! Here i am living a double life regarding SHMUTZ but when it comes to recovery suddenly I am worried about a double life. Incredible. 
So... here I am. I've been looking around and reacquainting myself with the forums. So many. Overwhelming. So i am pushing myself to post. and I would like to make a bli neder commitment to post each day. At least something short. Something personal. Thanks to all of you whose gevura gives me the chizuk to try this again.

Welcome to the both of you.
Mazel tov.
Wishin' you all the hatzlachah in the world.

Threads don't die, people don't die, we won't die if we don't get our fix tonight

Simcha - your thread was hibernating... it's great to have you back

WE NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK (no not my freshly painted deck), and I'd love to continue your conversation THERE 

gibbor120 wrote on Unknown:

Hi… thanks for such a warm welcome.Gibbor I have seen you post many times and you yourself seem like a very wise person! I understand I am dealing with something deeper than any TaPHSIC shvuah can take care of, and yes, as I have mentioned, I have seen multiple therapists in the past (took me a while to find one decent), and I have been discussing my issues for a while. B”H I feel I have grown and even though there is always room to grow and I am still pushing forward. I am happy with my progress with my OCD and depression and I would NEVER marry someone if I have depression issues. I blei iyin hara don’t get depressed from life issues and my I have limited my depression from acting out to either just after the fact or not even that. I have worked on not having obsessive thoughts (an OCD symptom) which have been feeding my addiction. I struggle with ADD and still working on it. I felt that I am healthy enough to marry. But maybe I am wrong? I don’t know! I have told her about what I struggle with but without any titles and I am devastated to tell her about my addiction, she wouldn’t know what to do with herself and I don’t think it would be good at all for our marriage. Is it really necessary?? I think that’s crazy but I heard the idea before. As far as hadracha goes, I hear but not sure what to do about it. Not going to my therapist again because I feel I got basically as much out of him that I can, and as they say money doesn’t grow on trees.

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on Unknown:

Yes I know but it is still hard to tell myself that when I have someone else in the equation. I really nead a mazal tov and a even more than that a lot of seyata nishmaya. Oh and thanks for the approval of my user name:lol: yours is also great!

realsimcha wrote on Unknown:

Yah..  I can relate. I will bezras Hashem not "fall off the map" as I did in the past. I like that! At least one post a day and work from there. It's so hard to keep up recovery both in my lows AND highs. I have had excuses more absurd than yours! but I should look at it like an oxyegen tank for a diver... or gas for a trucker like Markz! keep on trucken!

It really takes koach to do this. When i am doing well i feel like I dont need this... I am better than the rest of these guys and when I am not doing well I feel like whats the point I just cant do it... Either way, it really takes work to keep at it. Thanks to all of you for your chizuk. Shmirashachaim you are awesome for getting back involved.... 

When I look back at the old old posts from years ago I wonder... What happened to those guys? Where are they now? I imagine that some of them moved on, and probably unfortunately, some have not. I just read these old posts and wonder where I will be in a few years. A blip on the radar of GYE? A regular? Someone who stuck to it? i know...i know.. Its all about today.

Shalom shmirashachaim and realsimcha! Mazel tov on your shidduch, I'm sure Markz will be more than happy to be your mesader kedushin.

All I can say to you is, if you keep up this attitude of wanting to change and get better, then you will get there besr"h, just keep on trukin' and make sure you have parking space by your wedding for your truck.

Chazak v'emutz

Mesayin wrote on Unknown:


peloni almoni wrote on Unknown: