gibbor120 wrote:

Thanks Gibbor, I hear what you are saying. I believe in my last post i wasn't referring to "figuring out addiction". I mentioned "figuring things out" three times. The first was to figure out how I can feel with this line of damaging thinking. The second was to figure out the situation with my wife and the third is how to recover. I believe the 1st and 3rd one is what you were referring to, but I would refrase it by "figuring out what to DO". That I have been doing but afraid not enough and will pursue figuring out what others have done. The second one is what I believe any normal married man would do (I'm assuming you as well, especially after you said biggest trigger for you is anger at wife). But happens to be that you are completely correct in that my nature is to dissect anything I encounter and naturally I tended to do so here as well. But I hear your point and I have seen Dov say things in a similar vein. It makes sense to give up my general mihalech that experienced ones have said that fail and do what so many experienced ones say work. But maybe I'll hold on to it on top of that. I know myself and it helps. Have to think about that.thanks Gibbor! Have a great shabbas!

crazy day. Haven't been able to think. However I had some not so clean thoughts and feeling. That feeling of pleasure is still there. Faint but still there. I reminded myself the most obvious (at least for me) yet hard concept to except at  (at least for me): pleasure and happiness are not the same thing. I want happiness. I'm moving forward.

Dear guardian of life

I hope you have reached out to your LOR or LT (local therapist), while things are still going good

You have plenty going your way. A nice young married couple with hopes for a great life and trust in each other

Our therapist told my wife last week she should ask me to tell her more about what I used to do b4 gye, so that we start working on gaining trust and not hiding secrets...

Please do yourself the favor and go all out today on your Truck and get recovery blasting on all cylinders

It will help your marriage
It will help you
It may help us

KOT!!!!!

Markz please... I might have infringement issues with the guard. And I'm not so heileg. 

I know I should be grateful that I have the ability to plan this out. The first thing that comes to my mind is that a therapist is out of the question practically. Unless anyone knows one that doesn't charge and that adds an hour in the day so that my wife wouldn't know. I know you are thinking that if this is so important to me I would get the money and make the time and perhaps you are right. But at least for now I don't see a way of doing that. What's my game plan? Good question! I am at fault if something happens between my wife and I with no hadrachah besides frantically posting on GYE. What to do? I have seen guys in the past write a Rebbi is good for this, and I am really considering telling him. But I'm curious if this is the reason why should tell a Rebbi? It seems that the oilem here holds that Rabbiem are not qualified for hadrachah in these issues (please please correct me if I'm wrong on this) and if he's not qualified for hadrachah with addiction, would that make him disqualified for hadrachah with dealing with a spouse? So would that make me fall back to a therapist? 
I was also wondering if anyone can help me, about telling my Rebbi in general. I can see the importance of doing this out of isolation. But what about hadrachah? This whole thing has been confusing for me as I'm used to going to my Rabbi for hadrachah. What should I tell him? "Rebbi. Guess what? I am not who you thought I was. I had/have an issue that will completely change your view on me. But you can't help me as this has nothing to do with musser or Teshuvah. Thanks for listening"?
 


     

 

It's hard to say without knowing he is, but I'd take my chances that he's qualified.

The one thing that is guaranteed to make an addiction worse is secrecy.  Telling someone, be it a rebbi, therapist, relative or friend can be a big help.  Only you can decide who to trust.  Advice is just advice.  At the end of the day, you have to decide to listen or not to listen.  Some therapists are good, some are not.  Some rabbeim are good at dealing with these issues, some are not.

I'm sorry I don't remember your story, but I just looked back at the beginning of this thread, and you seem to have enough issues to justify seeing a therapist without having anything to do with acting out.  I'm sorry I can't give any advice as far as money goes.

Thanks Cords and Gibbor.. Haven't had a chance to respond. Will IyH do that tomorrow.
so will just check in for now and nothing else to say but that I'm still trucking.

gibbor120 wrote:


As far as trust goes, I trusted my Rebbi with everything until now, and he knows just about everything about my life besides this prat. He has helped me on numerous accounts.
In regards to advice, I just was pretty sure I saw a theme about addiction being different than other issues in life. But perhaps I was mistaken. Also I hear what you are saying that don't need to do anything based on advice. But I'm just being cautious. 
As far as isolation goes. I can't know as never disclosed to anyone I personally know, but the concept makes sense and I trust you guys. 
What's the worse that could come out of it? Him not respecting me and being disgusted with me? My suffering ego?
What's the best that can happen? Helping me attain a normal life? That's my thoughts for now.. But might change tomorrow. This is so tough.

In regards to therapy, I have gone to therapy in the past. I have learnt how to address many issues in my life B"H Bl'iH through therapy, my Rebbe, tons of contemplation, and hard work on myself. I would NOT of gotten married if that wasn't so. Even though I have realized that I am not free from life stresses and still need to be aware that they potentially may lead to acting out, the last few times I acted out wasn't from life issues as an escape because 1) as I said, I believe that I have learnt healthy ways to address them(albeit it being hard at times and still learning and growing), and 2) I have a wonderful life and a lot to be grateful for. I have an incredible wife who I don't know why I'm zoche to be married to and a lot of other things to be grateful for. Also, the faint yet present feeling of pleasure of porn that I needed to distinguish from happiness on Sunday isn't due to me lacking pleasure in my life. I have a lot of it. 

In regards to money.. I am very disappointed Gibbor in your lack of financial expertise. 

Based on your own description of you rebbi, he sounds like a good person to tell ("he has helped me on numerous accounts").  We are all afraid of what a Rav or Rebbi will think of us, but generally, they actually admire us for having the courage to confront such a difficult and embarrasing issue.  Put yourself in his shoes for a minute.  Would you not be impressed if someone opened up asking for help?

He may or may not have the right advice, but just being able to opne up and share may help.  Who knows, maybe he can help.  Maybe he knows something about addictions, or can refer you to someone who does.

Bottom line, what have you got to lose?

I guess my ego, but it probably needs the pucturing. 

Also 

We do a lot of lusting in our head
Also we do a lot of imaginations
How do you know what your Rebbi's thinking

I shared with mine a few months back. He was very accepting and understanding

The impression he may very well have gotten is "Such a choshuva Yungerman... I guess even big people struggle with porn addiction"

I've said this before..,
If your Rebbi is not understanding and is derisive, just Keep on Trucking to someone sensible, but as Gibbor says, it's worth the try

GUYS GIVE A HONK FOR SHEMIRAS!!!!

Meant to say this yesterday: I am past my 50 day mark, so I think I should get a big hearty mazal Tov for being sober TODAY. Today was a wonderful day because not only have I been sober(it's not over yet but at least of what's of it) but i am living life, thankful that I am not in that stagnic lusting life I was in so long ago. Living a meaningful life. Not easy in every regard but meaningful. I realize that I have gotten to this stage in the past and its not over. It's far from over. Not even past 90 days. I have no right to be smug. Hashem let me be sober today and I'm thankful for that.

Wanted to say that the title of today's GYE email struck a cord: 
Keep calm, breathe,  and live one day at a time.

I will keep that in mind Bli Neder for the rest of my life. Thanks GYE.

Ouch!

 

Mark

Karl Marx wrote on 22 Jun 2016 17:10:

I was walking home from shul this morning and this guy in a big truck was honking like a meshigene for blocks at the car in front of him because he didn't start moving 3 seconds before the light turned green.